#dear f

On some days and even more nights I catch myself considering reaching out again. I keep asking myself if it’s worth keeping my distance if my thoughts keep coming back to you anyway. Even if I don’t think about you consciously, my subconsciousness brings you back in my dreams regularly.

Walking down the street nobody quite fits the comparison I automatically draw. No eyes are ever deep enough, no voice ever calming like yours and no appearance ever as charming as you were.

I knew it would need time to stop hoping to see you around every corner I turn, but instead of a slowly fading memory the pull to walk our old paths grows stronger.

Maybe one day I will stop seeing your ghost everywhere I go and with every step I take, but I’m not yet there. I have still a long way to go.

Love,

I finally found someone who makes me feel almost as safe as you did, but I can’t stop comparing them to you. I know very well that you two are from different stars and that no one will make me feel just as you did, but the similarity in the intensity makes me loose my breath.

While I feel so very at home with them, I start missing you even more. I see your smile wherever I look and hear your voice in every word I hear. I have never felt so at peace and so at home at the same time. There is no way to describe this confusion with words.

They are not you, you are not them and I am neither complete without the memory of you, nor without their presence.

Yours,

It’s been more than nine months since we have spoken and I still end up thinking about you no matter what I do. Your attraction keeps pulling me back in whenever I try to move forward even the tiniest bit.

You might think I wouldn’t want to let go in the first place as I did before, yet I put all the power I own into resisting the urge to get in touch and even on days when it seems impossible to accomplish, I still manage to get through the day without having addessed a word towards you. I feel like the burden of missing someone as much as I do never really disappears, no matter how long it might take and how much time is supposed to heal. The best deal I can think of is missing you less and handling missing you better than I do nowadays.

Some days I do not feel you below my skin any longer, I do not hear your voice echoeing through my head and I do not see you whenever I close my eyes, yet these days are rarities compared to the ones I share with our memories on the surface of my consciousness.

It has been more than nine months since we have spoken. It has been more than seven months since our paths have crossed. It has been ages since we shared our dreams and hopes and still my only desire appears to be you as I used to know you, without any pressure and expectations from each other. I miss you more than I could have ever imagined, but sometimes the pain is what it needs to learn rather than to heal.

Dear F,

It took me nothig less than almost four years to realize I am, and this time I am sure, ready to let go.

We were inseparable, we couldn't be in one room and we found our way back every time - just to try again and part again.

We had relationships with others while one of us knew the only realtionship worth giving a try would be ours. But it never happened. And it won't ever happen.

Ending it all of a sudden years ago costed me a lot of courage I do not have today, yet I am tired of being the only one trying. Every time I stop myself from texting you, we drift apart a tiny little further and you don't even seem to realize. Or you just don't care. I wish you did.

It took a long time for me to realize and accept that the point at which I need to stop trying arrived a while ago and that this time I cannot give in when you come back.

Love

You might have moved away, but it doesn’t make me miss you less. The growing distance between us doesn’t mean I don’t miss the effortless conversations we had at all times of the day. It doesn’t make me forget how at peace you seemed when you could forget the world around you when it was just us. But most importantly it doesn’t make the beat of my heart calm down when I think about you.

You might have moved away, but I will always carry you with me.

It‘s been seven years since I told you you were more than just a friend to me for the first time and it was more than a year since I have seen your face for the last time as well. Our last goodbye was more than two years ago and it still echoes through my head and I can still see you let go of me and leave my front steps for the last time.

On most days I manage to distract myself from the empty spot you left behind. There‘s people who I care about enough to let them close to that very spot but nobody fits it quiet like you did.

On some days playing songs that remind me of you helps enough to ease the pain of that empty spot, on others I wake up feeling like that spot is sucking me in and I am paralysed. You still visit me in my dreams—some of them are good, others are not. Although, I am not sure which kind is worse. The good dreams leave me ache for more new memories, for more time spent together and more things I could connect with you. The bad dreams on the other hand remind me of how deeply we were hurting each other by being close to one another. The closer we were, the more we were hurt by the other, though we had the best intentions all along.

No matter how much time passes, I will always miss you dearly. I do know that keeping a distance is the best we can do, yet it is the hardest thing I have to face every day. I miss your voice and your laugh. I miss your warmth and your calm. I miss everything I ever got to know and everything I saw in you that you didn’t.

Ahead of me lies an important decision and I wish I could talk to you about it. In fact, I was close to calling you today but couldn’t dial when it came down to it. I haven’t been so close to calling you since the last time we spoke and the invisible wall between us felt just wrong.

I miss everything about you, but missing the dear friend you were to me is the worst part of it all. I always knew I could count on you and tell you everything about anything and you would listen to what I had to say. Dialling your number felt so natural back then, as simple as spelling my name. But today I couldn’t have carried the weight of bothering you. Your voice would have been all I needed to feel safe, but at the same time all the hurting would have thrown me back to where I started.

I needed your advice more than ever today, but my pride kept me from going back. Or maybe it was strength, I can’t really tell. My friends will say I was strong not to call, but was the awful feeling of distance really worth all my energy? Somehow I doubt that. All I realised was that I miss you in my life more than I knew, not as a lover, but as the friend you once were. The person I could call anytime and feel understood even when I barely understood myself.

The days will pass and eventually I will be okay with missing you again, but today I am not. I am not okay with forcing myself to stay away from you even though I know I have to.

I miss you so much. Every single day.

Love,

I have heard time is supposed to heal all wounds so many times by now that it feels more like an everyday saying rather than an allegedly wise thing to say to someone hurting. Still, I do not feel any better with the months rushing by, although I try to move on.

You haunt my mind, my dreams and daydreams just as often as you did a year ago and I still wish I could hold your hand again. I can not seem to forget the look on your face when we saw each other or forget how your voice sounds when you open up about anything you are truly passionate about. How do I make these memories disappear and stop hurting me without forgetting you and what you mean to me? I’m not entirely sure that is even possible.

Though you are just a few steps away on the screen, I feel like we are ages apart. We could be on different ends of the world and you would not feel any further than you are just now. Yet I watch the little ‘add’ sign next to your name and force myself to abandon the thought of actually pressing that button. We both know we would end up hurting each other just one more time if we did let our paths cross again, but it feels just as wrong to stay away from you when you feel so right next to me.

Why is it we always want what we can’t have? Or in this case, who we can’t have. I never knew what it felt like to be openly desired by you, and yet I know it wouldn’t change a thing about how much I ached for you next to me. Each time our eyes met, I was speechless by the feeling it caused inside my chest. Every time your skin touched mine I was paralysed by how much such a delicate act of kindness made me feel at once and how long that feeling lasted even after you let go of me.

I might have to forget all of that one day but there will never be a single person in this lifetime to make me forget you. We lost the other one somewhere along the way to finding ourselves, yet I will never lose anything of what you taught me about myself and about how such a strong sentiment as I felt for you can make the world a little brighter and grey days a little less monochrome by simply relying on you being there when I needed you.

Without you there I tend to sink because of the weight of my own mind every day instead of drowning in the blue of your eyes and being so okay with it, I should have been worried. You made me feel safe whenever you were there, and now I am lost and being washed around the water without an anchor to keep me where I am supposed to be.

Love,