#dear bee

And if I have, and I get confronted with doing that? Yeah, I acknowledge that I was indeed the asshole. I know that you can’t hold something over someone’s head, or hold something against someone if you never properly communicated that there was a problem/that you had an issue with them. Communicating stuff like that is hard, I’ve gone my whole life intentionally avoiding conflict with others, but if I’m hurt by someone, and I hold onto that without letting them know? It’s far worse than if I just tell them outright and possibly make them upset temporarily.

Anyways, I’m glad you’re doing better and that you say you have better friends. I know there’s been a disconnect between me, and him, and the rest of us and you for a while now. That you tried to leave years ago, but we tried to get you to stay, because we weren’t ready to lose you as a friend yet. I kinda wish I hadn’t tried to make you stay that day, maybe you could’ve just gone silently without inflicting so much pain on us with how you left…

We did love you, and we did care about you, and we fought hard to try and help you feel a sense of belonging, and inclusion. But after many many of those attempts being met with “oh I’m busy but maybe next time” or “oh it’s just not a priority for me right now”, we just kinda stopped trying.

I’m sorry I never really reached out to you one-on-one. I’ve always been an introvert, and I’ve always been far more comfortable communicating with people in group settings. I was active in the server constantly, we all were, all you had to do was participate… but you didn’t. You distanced yourself from us and then got upset that we had no idea what was going on in your life, that you were seriously struggling for a time there. And let me tell you, NONE of us would’ve made fun of you or mocked you for your struggles. That isn’t the kind of people we are…

Sure, sometimes we didn’t respond to Bee’s vents, but not because we didn’t care about them… Sometimes you just don’t know how to respond with words when someone is struggling. And, if you do respond, it can inflict more pain on them… I tried to reach out once, but I did it wrong and I hurt them… they didn’t tell me that I hurt them either, so I had to find out from someone else and that really sucked… so, I thought to myself, never again.

Anyways. Sometimes the best you can do is just ask if there’s anything you can do to help them, or try and include them in things. Which is what we tried to do with you. Inviting you to movie nights (oh, I’m busy, maybe next time though - it was always maybe next time…), inviting you to a silly little cat roleplay (your writing is amazing, and we love your characters and thought it’d be fun to include you here, but no, it just wasn’t a priority for you), or when we’d try to hang out in person, it was often interrupted by a Certain Someone who you defend with your life even though they seem to make you constantly miserable… you let them walk all over you, pass off their chores and responsibilities onto you because they simply don’t want to do them. You’d often cry with us about them and how they made you feel like you wanted to end it all. And yet, you still defend them and get upset whenever anyone says anything negative about them :/

But those were your choices, so, that’s fine. But don’t you dare go around saying we didn’t care, that we laughed at you when you were miserable, that we tried to instigate fights between you and our other friends - and that we laughed about that too, that we never tried to reach out to you. We did. You just didn’t care, you’d already written us off and were looking for any excuse to just leave. But, you couldn’t just leave quietly. The friendship just grew apart and you wanted to spend time with different people. That would’ve been fine, people change, their interests and desires change. But, you had to inflict the most harm in leaving, didn’t you?

😌 Anywho, I’m going to try my best to stick to my New Year’s resolution of not talking about, or even thinking about you, Pomeranian. And by extension Bee and Fox too.

💜 Coyote and Vampire? Eh, don’t care. They kinda sucked, and said some mean things about me behind my back (stuff I take with pride, so I wouldn’t have cared even if they said it to my face) but having cut ties with Fox now too, I’m guessing they realized they were wrong.

💛 Fox isn’t my biggest issue either, he only affects me with how he’s affected Wolf. He’s mostly just in my brain to make jokes about. Yeah, I’ll make jokes about him because he actually sucked and tried to ruin Wolf’s life, so I can make a joke every once in a while about the color yellow being Fox repellent thank you very much~

💚 Bee… I think out of all of the losses this year, you were the one that hurt the most. I’m sorry that I hurt you when I tried to comfort you that one time. When you got involved in this mess with Pomeranian and Shrimp, I was your biggest defender. I made it clear you did reach out to me after the fact and check in, and once you found out things were better, you backed off. I also made it clear your only two-cents in the inciting incident back in January were just that Shrimp needed to get a job/have his own source of income. Fair enough, you didn’t bash him, you just said something that could’ve helped our situation back then. I’m sorry that you felt alone in the server, that our schedules never seemed to align or that I had a low social battery when you were hanging out alone in vc. I guess I’m sorry about the new people? But, not really… some of those new folks have become quick homies and I thought you were enjoying the company of some of them too… But no, they inevitably made you upset because they’re human, and we all have flaws and say stuff or do things that unintentionally hurt others. But instead of bringing up your issues and talking to the people you had issues with, you just bottled it up and distanced yourself until this meltdown occurred… I’m sorry to hear you’re going through some terrifying medical stuff right now, and if it’s possible, I hope it gets better for you, I really do… But, I must leave you and the memories of you behind in 2025. Goodbye, Bee 🐝

🩷 Pomeranian. You live in my mind rent free, and take up way too much space in both our heads for my liking. There’s so many things I want to say to you, some of which I’ve typed out here, but I know I’ll never get the chance to unless somehow in the future our paths collide again. Sighs, I just need you gone. Working with my therapist to eliminate any and all feelings of sadness and anger I have towards you. I’m tired now, tired just thinking about you. I guess I’m only sorry that the friendship crashed and burned the way it did. But whatever, I just hope someday, we’ll both be able to go our own ways and never think about each other again. I said some mean things here, I’m still frustrated, but there’s no point in posting that el oh el

I was always alone.

I've probably told you so many times already, but I was always alone. Never old enough for the people I looked up to, never young enough to not be relied on. Always too stupid to help but always too strong to show weakness. I was shoved to the side and talked about as if I couldn't hear or understand the words they spoke. Everyone spoke for me. Sometimes it was praise, sometimes complaints, most often it was flat-out dismissive.

I don't know when it began, but I started to disappear. In middle school I was overwhelmed with thoughts of dying. I was filled with so much anger that I destroyed my body in secret, because there was nothing else to break. And in the aftermath I was left with intense longing for something I didn't know.

I always loved art and telling stories, but the passion didn't kick in until high school. It was this gentle undercurrent that maintained me, an escape. I never saw it as important when I was young, just something fun. But the more I grew, the more I realized I couldn't live without it.

My first love was my Muse, like a childhood love I never paid much attention to until she grew into a beautiful woman. She shaped me into someone stronger, she showed me things I never knew I could hold. The real and the unreal, it was like I had discovered color for the first time.

And then I met you.

It was through art that we became close and fell in love. It was a weird dance-- or a threesome-- that we played. It was passionate, exhilarating. I never knew that my skull and ribs could be opened up and entered, dismantled so gently...by someone so soft-spoken. And you took my first love into your hands and devoured her, until you and her were one and the same. At least I thought so.

But the truth is, we are still separate people. My inspiration and you are separate gods. It grew like a slow rot, but the more our visions clashed, the more fear grew inside of me. "Artists should never fall in love," I thought, "You and my Muse can't exist together, I'm too monogamous." But even when I admitted this to you, you wouldn't let go.

The truth is, I don't feel invisible when you look straight into my eyes. I never feel alone anymore. And it actually scares me. But I want this, and I'll try again.