hmm concept, teenage dean starting to Realize things he doesn’t Want to Realize and he panics, he squashes it down, he’s worried people can see it on him, that one day john will look at him and Know, so he starts buying the magazines (and they repulse him, they are grotesque in their over-performance, but he can’t let himself get held up over that or the irony of it, because that’s not the highest stake right now) and then he “accidentally” leaves them in places john might find, begging to be “caught,” and then he is, and john scolds him for wasting money, but it’s playful, and there’s a gleam of something like amusement just to the left of pride in his eyes, and dean feels sick, he’s dizzy, but he did it, he’s safe, he’s a man, and suddenly this becomes his safety blanket for the next twenty odd years so that any time he starts to feel the panic well up, he shoves his “obsession” under the nose of whoever else happens to be in the same room, and he lies for so long that he can almost make himself believe it, but he can’t, he can’t
