#deaf shit

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

uhhhh i pulled my back muscles which which is shit, so i have to go to a chiropractor soon, to make sure i haven’t fucked up my spine. 

1) Thinking about HRT/transition-related stuff. I'm scared. I'm scared that, in ten years, I'm going to wake up and realize it was all a mistake. I'm scared that, if I don't do this, I'm not going to live much longer. And that's something that's hard for me to say--for the first time in my life, the last year, has been the least self-destructive I've ever been. I'm making plans, I'm taking on new responsibility, I'm excited for the future. But I'm also afraid. As a 20 year old, I don't think it's reasonable for me to look twenty years in the future and know whether I'll be happy with the choices I'm making now-- it's impossible. I can't imagine trying to live as a woman, but I also don't know what it would mean to "live as a man," with the exception of, with starting hormones, maybe minimizing some dysphoria. It's hard, because on the days that I'm functional, awake in daylight hours, showered, binding, whatever... I feel decent. On the days that I'm sleeping all day, waking up at 6 pm, unshowered, not binding because I'm not showered... I feel depressed. And I feel depressed because I AM depressed. And THAT is something I definitely don't want to still be feeling in twenty years. I think I need to stop putting it in boxes--what it comes down to is how I feel. I feel good when I "pass" as a guy--I feel like a human being. When I know I'm being gendered as female, I feel weird moving in my own body, and I want to leave and hide in my rooms. I feel better when I'm binding my chest-- I can pretend it's not there. Even laying in bed, I lay on my stomach and it makes me feel a tiny, tiny fraction better. 

I'm also afraid of what going on hormones brings. Obviously, coming out to my parents. I think they'll be OK. I think they'll understand or WORK on understanding it. I don't think it'll be easy, or fast. It'll either be a lot easier or a lot harder with my being at college--they won't see me very often, so some changes might seem abrupt. Similarly, because they don't see me, they might have time to process, understand, and talk about it while emotionally and physically separate from me. I'm afraid of what it'll mean emotionally--how will I deal with being angry, or upset? Will it make me feel these things less, or will it mean I won't be able to express it? Will I lose my off-campus job? I know my on-campus job doesn't care--they're supportive. But my off-campus... These are little things, in the face of becoming comfortable in my self and my body. 

2) I'm afraid of my student debt. My parents and I are conflicting--it's clear they don't want me to worry about money right now; my mom is paying my loan interest. My dad isn't monetarily invested in my college education. My mom is tight on money--she's been paying my older brother's college loan interest, will be paying my little brother's college loan interest. She pays her bills, my dad pays his bills. But my mom spends stupidly--she dropped $300 on shoes last semester, and didn't have the money, so she called me to loan her cash. I did. I haven't made super-smart decisions either: spending money on a hookah, buying her the incubator with my older brother. It's frustrating--she doesn't want my help, but I know she can't do it herself. 

I have a job at home, that's waiting for me to get done my college class. Do I want to go back to it? I don't know. Realistically, I don't. My boss can be horrendous, he still owes me around $200 from when I worked for him over winter break. It's cleaning up dog shit all day, every day, no breaks, no life. The good thing is I make money and don't have time to spend it. The bad thing is.. I don't get a life. At all. I waver, about whether I'll go back to it. I don't know.

I have my two jobs at school. I got promoted, which is nice, and throws me an extra dollar an hour. I'm excited. A little nervous for my crazy schedule, but still. My off-campus might have me working 8 hour days on Fridays, at 10$/hr, so that'd be awesome, and just one Friday would pay for my groceries for a month or so. That means that the rest of my cash would go to saving up for paying off loans, and maybe saving up some money to throw to my mom so she can pay off my college interest. 

I'm really in no place to give up work--it's hard to get a job, period. It's hard to get a job when you're dependent on speechreading. It's hard to get a job when looking for a safe workplace as a queer person.

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