(AO3 version)
Based entirely on this post
Jack woke up to the same sound he’d heard every day since he’d lost his leg in the stretch of desert that still populated a good portion of his dreams: a faint ringing that muffled a whole lot of not much.
He took a deep breath, feeling his chest expand until it burned a bit with the effort, before letting out a heavy sigh that whooshed through his chest and throat. He could almost hear it, but the sound was was muted, like it was both underwater and a long way off. Jack reached up and rubbed at his concha cavus, the little divot where the silicon earmold of his hearing aid usually sat. Despite the fact that they were custom, formed to the contours of his ear, they still chafed after a long shift. And they were all long shifts.
Jack’s alarm, snoozed so that he could have a few moments to slowly blink awake and orient himself, vibrated again beneath his pillow as a dim light flashed to ensure he actually woke up when he was supposed to. He groaned as he smacked the control box to turn it off and then peeled himself up so he could swing his legs off the bed.
The rebellious part of Jack had loathed the mundane conformity of the Army, bucked against it when he could get away with it, but unfortunately, routine in his day was the only thing keeping his tenuous grasp on sanity as steady as it could be. Which was how he found himself bypassing the drying station on his bedside table so that he could head to the kitchen for a cup of coffee like he did every morning. Coffee first, to knock the cobwebs off, before he fixed his breakfast and lunch at the same time, ate and did the breakfast dishes, went through his bathroom routine before putting his leg on and getting dressed, and then- waiting until the last possible moment- he fit the sleek black hearing aids into his ears.
There was a rush of sound that made him wince despite the fact that his home was quiet since he was alone and he knew what to expect since it happened the same way every day. Jack took a deep breath, listening to the encroaching hush of traffic as the early-morning crowd started their commutes to work.
Once he felt steady, grounded, he fixed his thermos of coffee and swung his bag onto his shoulder. It was a nice day so he figured he could walk into work. He’d get some exercise and acclimate himself slowly with the noise of the city before diving into the chaos of the Pitt.
He fidgeted with his hair a little as he made the last turn towards PTMC. A nervous tick that his therapist said was an attempt to hide a part of himself that he was still uncomfortable with, a theory that Jack had met with a scornful sort of cynicism. If he was remembering correctly, he was pretty sure he’d said that she could shove that theory up her ass because he wasn’t insecure. Camille had only snorted and made a note on her legal pad.
In his defense, he’d been feeling a little raw that day and hadn’t exactly been at his best.
Jack shook that off as he slipped through the doors of the ambulance bay and made a bee-line for the central hub. Dana was already flicking through a tablet and comparing whatever was on it to the board. “Mornin’, Trouble,” Jack said and swooped in to brush a playful kiss against her cheek. She let out a sharp bark of laughter and shoved at his chest.
“One of these days my husband is gonna catch you at your games and lay you out,” Dana said with a spark of mischief in her eyes as her mouth twisted up into a grin. “I look forward to that day.”
“Benji would never. He’s a marshmallow,” Jack waved his hand dismissively. Dana’s husband had always been very sweet to Jack when they’d met one another in passing. “Besides, you love me,” Jack winked at her as he ducked to slide his backpack in the spot beneath the desk that she kept open just for him and Robby.
“My mother always said my taste in men was questionable,” Dana shot back flatly.
Jack snorted and leaned his hip against the desk as he took a sip out of his thermos. “Speaking of questionable men,” Jack started with a sly grin shot Dana’s way, “you seen Robby yet?”
She rolled her eyes before going back to her tablet like she was going to ignore him. “Think he’s talkin’ shop with the boss.” Jack hummed, nodding for a moment before he took another long draw from his thermos and then capped it so he could leave it at his work station for later.
“More like shootin’ the shit.” Dana flashed him a quick, amused smile before going back to her tablet. “Think I’m gonna take a lap, see what’s going on around here.” Jack nodded over his shoulder and she shot him a thumbs up to let him know she’d heard. It was another way he could give himself a moment to adjust to the noise of the ED before he was in the middle of it with no way out.
Since he was early, the residents and med students were still working on their patients, though a few were getting a jump on their charting before it was time to start hand-off. He glanced into a few curtain areas whenever he caught the skittish, overwrought look of a med student that felt like they were in over their head, but he didn’t see anything that he thought needed his intervention.
He rounded out his walk to end back up at the central hub. Just in time for Adamson and Robby to meet him there. “Abbot,” Adamson said and gave him an easy, paternal smile. He turned more towards Jack, angling himself away from where he’d been facing Robby so that Jack could see his face more clearly. He was the only person that Jack had told about his hearing loss. “Ready to start the day?”
“Always, boss,” Jack said breezily and tucked his hands into his pockets. If it was to hide the slightly twitchy impulse to tap his finger against his thigh to alleviate the slightly mortifying sensation of being pandered to, no matter how well-meaning, that was his own business. Logically, he knew that Adamson would never share that information with anyone without asking Jack first, but the possession of the knowledge itself still chafed at him.
“Good,” Adamson said easily. “I have some meetings that I’ve been putting off for far too long, so I will leave the department in both your capable hands.” He nodded at Jack and gave Robby a short pat on the shoulder as he passed to head back towards the tiny closet that was his office.
“Div- an- c-er?”
Jack blinked as his hearing aid seemed to blip on him a little. “What?” He turned back around from watching Adamson go so he could see Robby’s face and read his lips.
Robby’s brow furrowed in confusion but he didn’t ask, just repeated himself. “Divide and conquer?” His mouth twitched down and Jack forced down his reflexive grimace as he flicked his eyes back up to Robby’s.
“Yeah. Sounds good.” It came out shorter than he meant it to, but he hated when he needed to have things repeated because he hadn’t heard them properly. His hands itched to reach up and mess with his hearing aids but he forced the impulse down. It was a momentary thing, probably just a little static at an inopportune moment. It would be fine. He didn’t need to bring any attention to it.
Before anyone could try to ask him any questions, he grabbed a tablet from the charging station and made his way over to where Dr. Ballard, the night shift attending, had started to come over to pass off her patients.
…..
Jack was leaning against the desk as he tapped some notes into his last patient’s chart- a cut and dry case of mono in a teenager whose mother was less than thrilled about that particular diagnosis- when Dana came over, laying her hand on the desk in front of him to get his attention. “Got an stabbin’ comin’ in hot, kid,” she said and grimaced to let him know that it was going to be a messy one.
“I’ll meet them at the door,” Jack said and abandoned his tablet in favor of grabbing some gloves as he wove his way around the bustle to step outside into the ambulance bay. He snapped his gloves into place as a gentle, cool breeze made its pleasant way to him.
It was the calm before the storm.
Jack heard the warbling cry of the sirens before the ambulance came around the corner. It slid to a smooth, practiced stop and Jack braced as the doors swung open and the chaos began.
“What’ve we got?” Jack asked and stepped up so he could angle himself to see Pearce properly as she jumped right in to giving Jack the patient’s status.
“Alvaro Velazquez, 54 year old male with a stab wound to the lower right quadrant. Tachy at 120, pulse ox steady at 99 on room air with good breath sounds bilaterally, LOC during transport.”
“Could have vagaled from the pain, could be blood loss,” Jack said and looked over his shoulder towards Dana. “What’s open?”
She held up two fingers. “Trauma Two!”
Jack put a hand on the gurney to steer it in the right direction. “Wharton, Webb, with me,” he said and waved over Gabriel Wharton, an intern, and Nakendra Webb, an MS4. There was the typical flutter of activity as they got the gurney in place in the trauma bay, transferred Mr. Velazquez, and then Sophie got started with the monitor leads and Jesse cut the rest of Mr. Velazquez’s clothes off for better access.
Jack peeled back the packing and grimaced in sympathy at the slightly curved, deep lac beneath it. Luckily, the blood that started to well up without the pressure didn’t look arterial. A small miracle since a few inches closer to the midline could have had him bleeding out before he’d even reached the hospital.
Gabriel was just about to start on the E-FAST when suddenly everything cut out. Jack sucked in a sharp breath from where he’d been reapplying pressure to the wound as the noise of the ER just… stopped. Jack was left with nothing but the dreaded ringing in his ears that overshadowed the muffled sound of his residual hearing.
“Page surgery,” Jack said and from the startled looks that he got from nearly everyone in the room, he was probably shouting. He couldn’t regulate his volume if he couldn’t hear how fucking loud he was. Cold sweat broke out all along his back and beneath his arms. “Just-” Jack reached out and took the ultrasound wand from Gabriel with a slightly shaky hand.
His eyes flickered over the image intently as he scanned through the chest and upper abdomen before angling down towards where the wound actually was. His brow was furrowed in concentration but his focus was pulled away by the press of too many bodies. Too many concerned looks. Too many mouths trying to ask him too many questions. “Give me some space!” Jack snapped, uncharacteristically angry and territorial.
It was like all the air had been sucked out of the room and Jack knew it was his fault. But he couldn't hear. He couldn't hear and the thought of him missing something because he hadn’t heard Gabriel or Nakendra or Sophie or Jesse had him flying through all the steps he knew by heart rather than giving the younger ones the chance to try and learn. He nodded grimly to himself as he caught a small- for the moment- pocket of blood around the small bowel.
Despite the adrenaline that was rocking his system, Jack’s hands were steady as he reached for a scalpel to open for access to find the bleeder and plug it until surgery could get down to take Mr. Velazquez up for a proper repair. He didn’t ask for anyone’s help as he opened, suctioned, sutured, and then packed the wound. No one stepped into Jack’s space to try and offer help or to hand him any of the supplies that he needed.
When Miller finally stepped into the room, Jack immediately launched into his findings and what he’d done- startling the man both with the lack of niceties as well as, Jack suspected, his volume- before stepping away from the side of the bed to rip his gloves off. It wasn’t until he was trashing them, Mr. Velazquez already being wheeled out for surgery, that he noticed Robby was lingering at the edges of the room. He must have slipped in after Jack’s hearing aids had gone out.
Jack’s face burned as he ducked his head and all but fled from the trauma room. He needed to get his stupid fucking hearing aids sorted out before Robby tried to grab him and realized that Jack couldn't hear a word he was saying. But navigating the ED without being able to hear, on legs that felt like Jell-O as his adrenaline crashed, was a lot harder than he anticipated. He nearly stumbled into the bank of lockers as he tried to come to a stop in front of his, his palm slapping against the metal the only thing that kept him from knocking himself out. He could feel the vibration under his stinging palm and he just knew that the slam he’d made had to have been loud.
His hands were shaking so badly that he was barely able to yank open the zippered case where he kept his spare batteries, the packaging fighting him as he tried to rip open the plastic to get at them.
Jack fumbled off one hearing aid and then the other, lining them up on the edge of his locker as he forced himself to steady his hands so he could replace the batteries without dropping them. If he did, he’d probably never find the damn things again they were so goddamn small. Jack closed the battery doors once the fresh batteries were secured before he quickly looped them back over his ears.
Sound flooded back in sharp enough to made Jack flinch.
His breathing was too quick, ragged, and he forced himself to take a deep breath. He closed his locker door carefully before leaning his forehead against the cool metal.
“Jack?” Robby’s voice was careful and Jack couldn’t help the way he grimaced down at his boots.
"Yeah.” Jack sounded exhausted and he felt a pit form in his stomach as he prepared himself for the conversation that was, at that point, unavoidable. Robby was quiet for long enough that Jack’s skin was starting to itch from something other than the leftover traces of sweat. “Look, I know I fucked up-” Jack started and turned so that he and Robby were looking at each other.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Robby asked with a furrow between his brows. “The whole time we’ve known each other and…” His voice faltered and a wounded expression flashed over Robby’s features before he schooled it into something neutral. “I could have helped.”
Jack let out a raspy bark of humorless laughter. “Look, I’ll apologize to Wharton, Webb, and the nurses, okay? You can tell everyone that you gave me my well-deserved spanking,” Jack shook his head, something acidic and angry boiling in his stomach. “But spare me the fucking pity, Robby. I don’t need it.”
“That’s what you think this is?” Robby asked, a spark of irritation lighting up his face. “That I feel sorry for you?” Robby scoffed and his jaw clenched tight as he looked away from Jack, eyes fixed on the bulletin board on the wall without really seeing it. He said something, a low mutter that since he wasn’t looking at Jack was hard to parse even with his hearing aids in and working.
“What?” Jack asked, face scrunching a little as he tried to piece it together.
“I said it’s because I care! About you, Jack!” Robby burst out, his cheeks flushed pink with both indignation and self-consciousness at having to say it again.
Jack swallowed thickly, suddenly feeling wrong-footed and embarrassed as all the anger seemed to drain out of him. “Oh,” Jack said awkwardly. He shifted between his feet while trying to come up with something he could say to that, but he didn’t manage it.
“Yeah,” Robby sighed heavily and shot Jack a tired-looking smile. “Oh.”
Jack’s brain seemed to be whirring but he found that the overwhelming sensation he felt was a flicker of warmth in his chest. “Robby-”
“We can talk about it later,” Robby said, his whole face still flushed pink as he reached up to rub at the nape of his neck. A nervous tell. “I’ll swing by your place after shift?”
Jack nodded, desperately grasping at the obvious olive branch. “Yeah, I’ll make dinner.” Robby’s mouth quirked up at the corner before he flicked a thumb over his shoulder. But he pointedly didn’t turn his body away.
“Go make your apology tour so we can get back to work,” Robby joked, coaxing a laugh out of Jack as he shook his head and started out into the rest of the ED. Robby’s hand landed on Jack’s shoulder as he passed, heavy and warm. The familiar gestures helped the line of Jack’s shoulders to finally come down and relax.
…..
Jack and Robby had agreed to meet up at Jack’s at eight for dinner. It gave them both time to shower and get into something other than scrubs and for Jack to actually do something about making them the dinner he’d promised.
Thank god for meal-prepping.
Jack’s phone flashed at him and he moved to turn the timer off before pulling the two baking dishes- one with roasted sweet potatoes, onions, broccoli, and carrots while the other had a halved chicken breast- out of the oven. He let his mouth lift in a pleased little smile as he divided each dish and plated up their dinner before setting it into the oven to keep warm. His phone flashed again and he felt his heart pick up a little as he flipped it over to read the text from Robby saying that he was at the door.
Jack hooked his hearing aids back over his ears, grimacing a little at the raw, gummy feeling as he settled the earmolds properly, before he pulled open the door. Robby was standing there with a six pack in his hand. “Hey,” Jack said and he felt a flicker of warmth in his chest. There and gone before he could name it properly.
“Hey,” Robby said and one side of his mouth lifted into a wry smile. They stood there for a moment just smiling at each other before Robby pointed over Jack’s shoulder. “Gonna let me in?”
“Right, yeah, of course.” Jack’s cheeks burned a little as he scrambled out of the doorway so Robby could step inside. It was a little stupid. It wasn’t like it was the first time that Robby had been over to Jack’s place, but he found a low-level buzz of nerves thrumming through him regardless.
“Smells good,” Robby said as he pulled two beers out of the pack, uncapped them, and then let them on the kitchen island so he could place the rest of the pack in the fridge.
“Thanks,” Jack said a bit distractedly as he reached up to adjust the hearing aid in his left ear. There was that staticky sort of feeling prickling over the skin that was always a harbinger of an itching jag. The kind that seemed to bore all the way into his skull and that he had to forcefully breathe through so he didn’t shred the delicate skin in and around his ear. “Just, uh, grab a chair. Food’s already good to go.” Jack just needed to get the plates out of the oven and scrounge up some forks and knives.
“You need some help?” There was a little furrow in Robby’s brow. The same one from when Jack’s hearing aid had skipped out on him and Robby had had to repeat himself.
“Nah,” Jack waved off as he grabbed the cutlery, set it out on his rickety little dining table, and then rounded back to grab their plates. “It’s nothing special, but it’s better than cafeteria food or whatever you’d have gotten out of the vending machine.” Jack narrowed his eyes at Robby. He knew for a fact that Robby could cook- his Eastern European bubbe had made sure of that- but that he routinely chose not to.
Robby rolled his eyes as he took a swig from his beer. “I’m going to be nice and ignore that jab,” Robby said and he took the plates from Jack’s hands so he could settle them onto the table, “because this does look great. When you said that you were going to make dinner, I thought you mean order something in. Not actually making dinner.” There was a faint flush across Robby’s cheeks as he took in the meal in front of them.
Jack snorted as he sat down, stretching his prosthetic out in front of him to ease the tension in his thigh. “Man, you must be really hard-up for a home-cooked meal if this has you that impressed.”
“Who are you right now?” Robby laughed and nudged Jack’s foot with his own good-naturedly. “Never seen you dodge a compliment before.” His eyes were bright, his smile edged with teasing that made Jack’s stomach swoop a little. Intensifying the need to demure and deflect. Robby’s blatant admiration was too much even as Jack readily soaked it up.
“You don’t know everything. I contain multitudes,” Jack sniffed loftily before he reached out for the beer that Robby had set on the table for him.
Robby hummed, conceding the point, as his eyes flicked to Jack’s ear. “Yeah, you do.” Jack tamped down the surge of self-consciousness, rerouting that nervous energy into picking up his fork and starting in on his food.
They ate in the relative quiet of two people that were comfortable enough with each other that they didn’t feel the need to fill every moment of silence. But Jack knew it was only a matter of time before Robby finally broke down and asked. It was the reason that Robby was there in the first place, to get an explanation, so it didn’t come as a shock when Robby spoke up as they were side-by-side at the sink. “I’m probably going to sound really fucking ignorant, so I’m just going to cover my ass and give you a blanket apology now.”
Jack huffed out a laugh as he handed over the plate he’d just finished washing so Robby could dry it. “Self-awareness is a good start,” he said and nudged Robby’s arm with his elbow. “I accept your pre-emptive apology but if you really cross the line, I won’t answer and you know that I’m gonna let you know.” Timidity had never been a problem that Jack had struggled with. A fact that Robby was perfectly aware of.
“Fair enough.” Robby said and pressed his arm against Jack’s. He paused for a moment before he finally seemed to buck up the courage to actually start asking his questions. “I’m going to assume you weren’t born deaf, so… how did it happen?” It was a softball but a reasonable place to start.
“No, I wasn’t,” Jack confirmed as a way to stall. Other than Adamson, his audiologist, and his therapist, he’d never really told anyone the story about how he’d lost his hearing. “It was when I was in Iraq. Same mission where I lost my leg.” Jack’s mouth twisted slightly and he shifted between his feet. He ducked his head as he took a deep breath, letting it out in a slow, controlled whoosh before he continued. “We were transporting some of the worst of our wounded at the field hospital. They were going home.” Jack’s brows twitched together before he smoothed his features out. “I was transferring a patient out of the Humvee. Then-” Jack cleared his throat. “There was an explosion. My memories are pretty fuzzy, of course. Had a pretty rough concussion.” Jack shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, but they were both doctors and were aware of the seriousness of what Jack’s body had to have gone through. “Woke up a few days later in a hospital in Germany to find out that the concussion was the least of my problems. The blast left me with a double compound fracture at my ankle, a partially shattered shin, and two ruptured eardrums.”
“Jesus, Jack,” Robby said lowly. A dawning horror crossed his face as his medical mind starting turning all of the pieces over.
“But hey, no scorched lungs, so there’s that,” Jack joked dryly. It was something he’d learned to have at least a little bit of humor about. Laugh or cry, and he’d spent enough time feeling sorry for himself about everything that he’d been through to know which was one the worse option.
“Not funny,” Robby muttered and shook his head.
“Maybe not.” Jack hummed and passed off the last of the cutlery for Robby to dry. “There wasn’t any way to predict how extensive the damage to my hearing would be once everything was healed. So it was a lot of waiting and hoping and running tests until… yeah.” Jack made a noncommittal noise. “I have some residual hearing, hence the hearing aids, but when they’re out… it’s mostly tinnitus.”
“So today, in the trauma?” Robby asked cautiously.
“Couldn’t hear a thing,” Jack said and forced his voice to come out cool and flippant. “It was why I didn’t want to let Wharton and Webb step up. I get by alright with lip-reading when it’s calm or one-on-one, but in the chaos of a trauma… if they’d tried to ask questions, confer, even just relay information,” Jack blew out a breath, “I wouldn’t have been able to keep up and it would have impacted patient care.”
Robby nodded, clearly absorbing that information. “Who else knows?” Robby asked as he tossed the dish towel over his shoulder and leaned back against the counter.
“I’ve only told Doc Adamson,” Jack said and then cracked a small smile. “But since Dana is our all-knowing deity, I’m sure she’s figured it out by now.” Robby let out a full, genuine laugh at that before he hummed his agreement. “It wasn’t personal to keep it from you. My, uh, my therapist thinks I’ve internalized something about it but…” Jack shrugged but it was a jerky, defensive motion, “I dunno.”
“Hard to put yourself in a vulnerable position like that,” Robby said. Jack tried not to laugh at the irony of that coming from Robby, but he managed it. It was definitely a close thing though.
“Yeah,” Jack admitted and reached up to rub at his intertragal notch. His hearing aids were definitely starting to irritate his ear but it felt rude to just yank them out in the middle of his conversation with Robby.
But Robby was perceptive. “Are they bothering you?” Robby asked and swayed forward out of doctoral instinct. He caught himself before he actually reached out to tilt Jack’s head and examine his ears.
“Don’t usually wear them this long,” Jack admitted sheepishly.
Robby’s face flushed a little as he picked up what Jack was saying. “I can go if you-”
“No,” Jack waved his hand. “No, it’s not- uh, I could just-” Jack made a flash decision and reached up to flick his hearing aids off. The low ambience of the apartment disappeared into the familiar ringing as he eased them out of his ears and tucked them into his pocket for the moment. He’d set them in their drying station before he went to bed.
Jack’s heart picked up a little in his chest as he stood there, sans hearing aids, in front of Robby. He itched the side of his neck so he could subtly feel the vibrations to regulate his volume before he spoke. “I can read your lips if you keep facing me.”
Robby nodded and there was some hesitation in his posture before he started speaking again. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything,” he said and then paused, waiting to make sure that Jack was keeping up. Jack nodded and Robby flashed him a brief smile before he kept going. “Especially not from me. I want you to be comfortable, Jack.”
Jack’s chest filled with warmth and since they were alone, in Jack’s apartment, he had a second to think about what it was: affection. The realization dawned clear and simple and Jack gave Robby an easy smile before taking a slow step forward, sliding into Robby’s space like he did it every day. Like he belonged there. And with the way Robby’s mouth tugged up in an amused smile, it felt a little like they were on the same page about that.
“I-” Jack’s eyes flicked down to Robby’s lips. But there was a heavier thread of tension between them than when Jack had been looking at them to read Robby’s lips. Jack pulled his gaze back up to Robby’s eyes with his eyebrows lifted slightly. Asking for permission without verbalizing it.
Robby’s pleased little smirk widened into a genuine grin as he finally followed through with his earlier impulse to reach out and fit his thumb in front of Jack’s ear. The rest of his fingers cradled the back of Jack’s head, a careful hold that made Jack feel like they were magnets being pulled into each others’ orbits as he swayed into Robby’s chest. A little spark pricked at Jack’s skin as Robby grazed the raw skin of his ear, his thumb gently massaging a soothing little circle into Jack’s tragus, as Jack leaned in so that he and Robby were only a breath apart. The sharp feeling made him jump, bridging the last of the gap in one clipped movement.
The kiss was careful, exploratory. Jack’s hands twitched at his sides before he grasped at Robby’s waist to keep himself steady. He could feel the low hum of a soft moan- or maybe a mumbled word- against his own lips as Robby made it. The idea of having that sort of effect made a thrill jolt down Jack’s spine.
They parted but didn’t pull away from one another. Just enough space for them both to pull some much-needed air into their lungs. Jack felt the way that Robby’s belly moved with each careful, measured breath and then he broke out into a smile as he felt Robby’s mouth move. He couldn’t read Robby’s lips- their faces were too close together- but he could just make out his own name from the feel as Robby’s mouth brushed against the corner of his own.
Jack let his hand trail up from Robby’s waist, dragging up the middle of his chest so that he could feel the steady thump of Robby’s heart, briefly letting the backs of his fingers brush against the hollow of Robby’s throat as he continued up towards his actual destination. He let his thumb ghost over the curve of Robby’s bottom lip before resting it in the divot of his cupid’s bow so he could feel Robby’s lips beneath the pad of his thumb. And- without saying a word- Robby seemed to intuit what Jack was angling for. He said Jack’s name again and Jack traced over the single syllable, savoring it, before he pushed up into another kiss.
There was a lot that they were going to have to talk through, Jack knew he had a hair-trigger when it came to certain things and that it was like trying to pick through a minefield to avoid all of his idiosyncrasies, but they could table it for another time. Jack was far less interested in talking and a lot more interested in dragging Robby into his bedroom.
