#deadonhoroscopes

Aries: 38% of voters in Florida think Ted Cruz might be the Zodiac Killer.

Taurus: Trump defends penis size in Republican debate.

Gemini: Hillary Clinton barking at a rally.

Cancer: Jeb Bush saying “Please clap” at a rally.

Leo: “A chance to win Netflix and Chill with Senator Cruz”

Virgo: Four words: Bernie Sanders ice cream.

Libra: Ben Carson saying “Can someone please attack me?” at a debate.

Scorpio: The hashtag “#BoobsForBernie”

Sagittarius: Ted Cruz having to swallow what was probably a tonsil stone during the debate.

Capricorn: Bill Clinton campaigning for his wife outside of polling places in Massachusetts.

Aquarius: Whatever led to these people seriously being the potential leader of the goddamned country.

Aries: This awesome dinosaur I made

Taurus: This kiwi

Gemini: This messed up peacock that now looks kinda like a turkey

Cancer: This butterfly garden

Leo: This abstract cat

Virgo: This duck

Libra: This duck that was supposed to be another bird altogether but I somehow messed up the tail enough it became a duck

Scorpio: This X-Wing

Sagittarius: This perky puppy

Capricorn: This goat that kinda looks like a bunny but I like it anyway

Aquarius: This dragon

Pisces: This crumpled piece of paper that was going to be an elephant but then I got frustrated

Yeah. That's the beauty of being able to stalk every Aries in the world. And none of y'all seem to either notice or care. Because...like sometimes it seems like you guys notice but...you just keep going anyway. Do...do you guys LIKE being stalked? I wouldn't put it past you...

So...you might be wondering what happened to us. Or you might not have noticed. Don't worry. We're not offended. But anyway...here's the sitch:

Rissa is moving away (abandoning me. you know, whatever.) so we've been spending the last few weeks getting her ready, panicking and spending quality time. This just didn't lend to horoscoping.

BUT...she moves away on Sunday and then I will start updating again. Alone for a good while so you might have to have some patience with me. Eventually I would like for both of us to horoscope again via google docs but it's all a matter of Rissa getting settled in and getting the things she needs set up.

So that's what's going down. Sorry if you've missed us or sorry to remind you we exist if you'd forgotten us. But we're coming back soon. Promise. Or maybe it's a threat. Either way, it's fucking happening.