#deadbedroom

Note: this post was originally published on /r/DeadBedrooms

Today, I realized I'm falling in love a lot. It might be a waitress, a barista, or someone I see walking by. These women aren't necessarily provocatively dressed, they don't exude sexual energy or some other magical thing.

They just seem nice.

And as I sat here in a coffee shop trying not to follow the nice-seeming barista around the store with my eyes as she went about her duties, it occurred to me just how pathetic this is. I feel like that socially-awkward, hopeless guy that we all knew in high school—the one that you just knew would never get a date, because he'd never have the courage to ask for one.

Only for me it isn't a lack of courage. It's that I'm married to someone whom I love dearly, but from whom I no longer receive any affection.

She'd kill me if she saw me looking at other women. She'd be devastated if she knew how often I find my heart beating a little faster when someone who happens to be female shows me the least big of basic human kindness. A smile, a funny remark. A little cheerful banter.

Why does all of this affect me this way? Because I haven't felt it from or for my wife in... much longer than I care to admit.

Sure—we still exchange "I love yous" every day. I do everything I can to make her life easier. I help around the house. I offer to do school drop-offs and pick-ups. I help with homework. I also work endless hours in the business we've built together and carry far more of the weight than I should, or that's even close to sustainable. For her, we're better off financially than we've been in years. But I'm the one handling all the stress of the money and daily juggling all the pressures to make sure she doesn't have to handle the difficult stuff.

And we have sex once or twice a month. I almost never initiate anymore because it feels to her like I'm pressuring her. We've talked. We've had something similar to "the talk." She's going to work on it, she really is. But things have been hard. Transitions in parenting. Transitions in hormones. Being sick. Being busy. Extra stuff on the plate.

It all adds up. But what it adds up to is, "I don't matter." My feelings don't matter. The fact that I feel unloved doesn't matter. The fact that nothing I've done (including creating more financial stability) makes her want to be affectionate towards me—not to mention have sex with me—tells me that she really is the self-centered person I always told myself she wasn't. I made all the excuses for her. I've listened empathetically as she's told me tales of trauma as a young woman at the hands of guys who were abusive—verbally and emotionally, at least. I've tried to help nurture her and encourage her through body image issues (she's always been beautiful and desirable to me and she has heard this from me for 20 years now), eating disorders, depression, parenting difficulties... you name it.

I've tried desperately to not be selfish. Don't be "that guy." You know—the one that only cares about himself. The one that treats women like shit. The one that doesn't respect the effort and hardships that come with being a woman in today's society, being a Mom, being uniquely female. I respect all of that. I've always treated her right.

Until lately. Oh sure, I still treat her right. But inside I'm dying. I'm looking for love. I'm looking for affection, for attention. I crave basic human contact. Hugs (which I get from her, but not often), kisses, affection, making out. What would it be like to be kissed passionately?

And that's what I wonder when I meet a nice female. Do they know that inside I'm dying? That I want to be with them? Not to use them lustfully or just get off over their physical attributes. But to feel connected. To kiss. To love.

We've got a list of marriage counselors. With no insurance, some of these prices seem staggering. Is it worth it for me to go to sessions with a therapist and pay all the money when I feel like I've lost hope that any of this will ever change?

Should I just accept that we have a business relationship? A domestic arrangement? At least until we're empty nesters and I don't feel the need to keep a stable household like a good father? But by then will I have any desirability left at all for any woman I meet? Old and used up? My best years wasted on someone who just didn't have it in her—not maliciously, but just as a deficiency—to love me, desire me, make me feel loved?

In caae you don’t know what a dead bedroom really is, this would help you.

A dead bedroom is a situation in which a married coiple or a living together couple doesn’t have a healthy sexual life. Sometimes they don’t have sex because one of them doesn’t want it anymore and in some rare cases, both of them don’t want to have sex.

In my case its my wife who doesn’t want sex. But she knows I want it and she used to pretend to like sex and we used to have it. But still the frequency of our sex was too less to consider it a healthy sexual life. We used to have once in a month or once in 2 months. That is nowhere near close to what I actually wanted. Add to the fact that, what I was getting was pity sex which is one of the worst kind of sex there is. I want both of us to enjoy sex, but here that was not the case. So I told here I will never initiate sex any more and if she wants it, as in really wants it, she can initiate. We haven’t had sex after that.

How much longer can you tell me you want me and do nothing about it?

Signed,

The closest we got to intimacy this weekend? She gave me a bare-breasted hug last night.

I was exhausted after a long day. I’m tired a lot these days, so that’s not unusual.

She’s going through a very difficult situation that’s really affecting her emotionally right now, so things are worse than usual. (The situation has nothing to do with me.)

But yesterday (which was a Sunday), when she got out of bed wearing only a pair of panties and my eyes followed her (probably hungrily), she said, “We’ll have sex today.”

And of course we didn’t.

Last night, she even announced that she had been in the mood Saturday night, but she fell asleep.

“That probably doesn’t help you,” she’d added.

No. It doesn’t. And I said so.

So... I woke up today horny as fuck. I got up before anyone else, made coffee, and read a bunch of stuff on reddit, including lots of posts by beautiful ladies of all ages. I wanted to masturbate so badly, but there wasn’t a good opportunity to do so without being discovered.

And so, I’m in my office trying to concentrate on work (which I can’t really do at the moment), and I’m really hurting.

Sure... I want sex. I want to be loved. I want to give love. I want an orgasm, and I want to give some orgasms. I want to kiss. I want to touch. I want to caress. I want to lick. I want to be intimate on every level.

Today, I was breezing through posts on reddit. I have several throwaway accounts, and via those I’m subscribed to a number of sexy subreddits (mostly trying to find girls that remind me of my wife... so... I’ve found places where girls over 30 and over 40 post, where curvy girls post... I’m not interested in the kind of stuff that gets to the top of the main “gonewild” subreddit, because those tend to be super young stick figures who don’t remind me of my wife).

Anyway, some of the women whose posts show up in my reddit feed at least portray themselves as horny. They dress up in lingerie, or they masturbate, or they show off their bodies in really sexy ways. I’m aware enough to know that some of that is just because they know that guys on reddit will respond to them portraying themselves that way, and they get upvotes and positive comments and probably tons of PMs that hopefully ends up giving them some affirmation.

But some of the posts are just everyday stuff.

And even though I probably should just quit looking at this stuff (I go through phases where I don’t look for weeks or months, and then phases like I’m in right now where I’m in there often), today it really struck me that I’ve missed out on all sorts of fun stuff in my life.

Things like

getting a sexy text with a boob flash

hanging around naked

going places just to have sex

trying out adventurous sexy things

using sex toys

randomly making out

having my wife show up in my office just to kiss me

making out in the back of a movie theater

taking pics of her trying sexy things on in stores

having her send me a fun selfie of her ass

I dunno.

I probably sound like the most self-absorbed asshole of a guy that ever lived. But I truly am not that way. It’s just that today all this stuff has kinda caught up with me and made me feel sad.

As I’ve written previously, it’s about more than just sex.

But damn. My libido is off the charts. At work, in meetings, seeing random strangers, wherever I may be, it’s difficult to not have raging desire.

I’m not a crazy perv who just stares at people, but I do sneak juicy glances at ladies who cross my field of vision. Catching a luscious set of curves in a tight dress or yoga pants or a low-cut top is literally driving me wild.

I’ve never had a problem controlling my behavior around other people. My wife doesn’t suspect me (any more) of desiring every female that walks by. But with sexual contact, loving affection, and other aspects of what I feel I want (and even need) out of a relationship now lacking more than ever, I do sometimes feel like these lovely ladies I see are just stoking my desire like never before.

And it’s not that they have to be a certain size or shape. I’m attracted to all sorts of body types. Curves definitely catch my eye, of course, but they can be any kind of curves (as much as I love breasts, it’s truly not about breast size for me).

And what’s even more alarming is when I see a loving face. Someone who looks caring or has smiling eyes (or both)? Then I’m really in trouble -- no matter what her other physical characteristics.

It’s weird to feel this kind of desire. Is it just raw lust?

No.