#de:code:sep20

it’s oddly not that difficult to train his eyes to catch the camera.  

at this point, hongjoong knows all too well that de:code won’t be getting their first win with can you feel it.  it doesn’t really hurt his feelings; they managed to come far and place second on a music show and for him, that’s growth.  the ending stages of music shows still hold meaning  -  just because they aren’t in the limelight while the top contenders for the win are announced, doesn’t mean that the cameras aren’t on them.  today, hongjoong’s expression is just for the fans  -  at least, until he hears that convex has had their third win with don’t wanna cry.

his attention immediately turns to the group and he can’t help the smile that radiates from his expression.  hyun looks baffled this time, and hongjoong has to hold a snort back.  at this point, it should be expected  -  convex is rather popular, and don’t wanna cry is an amazing song.  what it must feel like to win.  

as the song begins to play, marking the beginning of convex’s encore, hongjoong makes a move to follow the rest of de:code off the stage.  he isn’t expecting, though, the tug on his arm and he almost trips over his own feet when he looks at hyun incredulously.  hongjoong knows he probably shouldn’t ask him what the hell he’s doing, but being dragged back to the stage is more than a little confusing.

he decides to go with it.

after all, they finally got to a point in both of their careers that they can actually stand on the same stage together  -  even if it’s not as part of the same group.  they can both have a little fun, can’t they? hongjoong doesn’t think there’s any harm in it.

when the note marking the point dance sounds, he falls in line with hyun to dance along to their choreography.  he’s been fascinated by the complicated motions and the way they stay in sync, and he’s even more surprised that he’s actually keeping up with the others in spite of never practicing with them to begin with.  hyun looks surprised  -  probably an act, considering he knows hongjoong’s dancing history.  he sticks his tongue out and bites down on it gently, as if he’s the winner of this little challenge.

part of him wonders if he should stay, but hyun doesn’t let him leave, even when they’re no longer dancing.  he keeps his arm locked tight around hongjoong’s shoulders, and hongjoong just sways in time with hyun’s beat.  this is what they’ve been working towards.  this is how far they’ve come.

there’s more riding on this pitch than just potential embarrassment in front of his fans.

when he heard about the opportunity, the first thing he did was text his father to check on his schedule.  he didn’t let on about his opportunity, wanting his dad instead to be surprised when he realized it was his son throwing the first pitch of the evening.  hongjoong wanted him to be proud that he was popular enough to even make it there, he wanted him to be proud when he saw him pitch and perform and announce his own son’s name at the game.

it’s not just his pride as an idol on the line, riding on this pitch.  it’s his pride as a son, too.

thankfully, hongjoong doesn’t find himself too nervous.  after all, his father basically made him hold a baseball the minute he could even grip his hand around one and although the sport wasn’t really his thing  -  throwing the ball was something he got pretty good at.  especially because it was a way for him to spend time with his dad, when he was often working with his older sister instead.

today, he just wants to make him proud.  today, he wants to know that his father is sitting in the commentator’s box with his voice swelling with pride for the son he saw on the field.  hongjoong isn’t exactly blind.  he knows that his father would have wanted at least one of his kids to play baseball.

it’s something that he always felt bad about.

when he’s on the mound, he stares down the line at the umpire and the catcher, eyes narrowed in concentration.  from this point, the distance seems long but hongjoong has at least a little bit of confidence in himself.  he’s his father’s son, after all.  he always said his dad was the best at baseball  -  for a minute, he can be, too.  at least enough to throw a pitch.

with that thought, he winds up with a deep breath.  the posture seems familiar and as the ball releases from his fingers, he wills it to reach the catcher’s mitt.  the crack of the leather tells him that he’s done it, and his eyes immediately find the commentator’s box above the stands.

every stage to perform on, was a special stage. even now, that they have been able to collect some experience on different stages, kang joon still liked the rush of adrenaline in his body, shortly before entering the stage. he liked how his whole body and his mind was only focused on what was bound to happen next and even the hard pumping of the heart in his chest wouldn't take him off it. it was an exhilarating feeling, nothing else felt the same, felt more right, made him conscious about how alive he was right now. despite all the hardships they went through every day, the busy schedule or the hard training and practices, everything vanished within seconds, as soon as he was up there.

maybe kang joon was still blinded by the fact that he indeed reached his dream, when for the longest part of his life, he was wondering what he was actually good for. maybe his feelings would change over the time, when they stopped being rookies, when they started to adapt well into the business and became big names after all. but for now, all the blood, sweat and tears they have put into their dreams had been absolutely worth, as soon as he heard the cheers, the glittering eyes at their sight and the big smiles on everyone's lips, wherever he looked.

his vlive this time seems to be going well.  “ mm .. what?”  his eyes scan the comments quickly, tilting his head.  “ what do you mean there’s someone behind me?” hongjoong pretends to play along, eyes wide as he turns his head from one side to the other, but he gives away his lack of fear when he starts to laugh with a too - wide grin.  “ are you playing tricks on me? you know i don’t scare easily ...”  his smile turns mischievous and the comments are coming at a faster rate.  “ you’re going to have to try a little harder than that.”

playing around with the fans like this just because he has a little bit of spare time is exhilarating.  it’s nice to be able to just talk, to answer questions, to be the idol that they want him to be.  “ show you my nails?” his eyes pick up on a question, and he lifts up his pinkie.  that’s all he has painted for today, an orange that matches the colour of his hair.  “ what do you think -?”

the comments are all so rapid fire though, that hongjoong can’t realistically keep up with everything.  especially not when he wants to talk on his own, aside from picking out some fan requests and questions.  today, he puts on music and it just so happens that someone else asked him what he’s listening to lately.  “ i really like don’t wanna cry lately ~~” he hums along with the beat and at one particular part, he drops to his knees on the floor and does the complicated searching motion with his hands.  “ did you know? hyun told me that he calls this the ‘ searching for glasses’ move -” at this, hongjoong laughs, brushing his hand through his hair as he stands back up with a little hop.  “ oh.  yeah, hyun and i have been best friends for years -”

when the questions start taking a turn, hongjoong wags his finger.  “ hey, hey.  i can’t tell you all my secrets  -  let’s get to know each other slowly, okay?”

september 29th, 2020: ‘can you feel it?’ last stage at mtv the show.

it’s cliché to say but it feels like it’s all over far too quickly. it’s probably the almost zero sleep and the constant driving from schedule to schedule, but the month blurs into one long day before his eyes. september might have been merely a week and he wouldn’t have noticed, though it hardly matters. it’s good to be back promoting, and it’s good to finish at some point because, as much as he loves performing, it’s healthy for the body and the mind to take breaks. 

( besides, surely everyone would get sick of them being on their televisions constantly all year round, too. ) 

september 13th, 2020: performing at a baseball game.

truthfully, won has no interest in the sport. basketball in high school was probably the full distance won could stretch to, given that his boyfriend was his star player. baseball, however, he doesn’t know a thing about, but to be here feels strangely like an honour, so he’ll continue to believe it to feed his pride for the group. if he can say de:code performed at a baseball game with enough conviction, maybe he’ll make it sound impressive all on his own. 

september 5th, 2020: de:code at cultwo show.

if won had to choose, of all the extra activities they do for promotions, radio shows are his favourite. at first, he’d seen them as an added worry — you’re relying so hard on the things you say to be entertaining and draw listeners in. however, as they visit a wider variety of shows, radio and television, he realises that the former is the least undignified of them all. 

september 2nd, 2020: de:code’s first comeback stage. ‘new world’ & ‘can you feel it?’ at mbc show champion.

it feels good to be promoting again. he thinks himself silly when he looks back on it, but in the month or two after their debut promotions ended, he almost worried de:code wouldn’t do anything again. their first mini album had been well received and their performances full of fans’ cheers, but the almost radio silence afterwards made his stomach churn. standing just off stage waiting to go on isn’t a guarantee that they’ll continue to be active like this in the future, but it’s a little more reassurance that it’s more likely than not. each comeback sets the tone for royal’s approach to the next — what works for them they’ll try again, what doesn’t they won’t, if they receive a lot of love they’ll return faster to capitalise on it, and if they don’t, maybe royal will lock them away until it feels profitable again. so, he works hard to make of it what he can. if he knows he’s put his all in, no matter the outcome, he can be proud of what he’s done. 

( though that is awfully hard to remember when he’s stumbling out of bed at around 5:30am wondering why he didn’t just get a normal nine-to-five job like everyone else. )