#day747

Darkshore Cub - Progress

This is a hobby and all fan art are just for fun.

Hi.

I’ve had a couple of difficult days.

I haven’t relapsed, not with trich at least, but I’ve been finding it harder to stop scratching and rubbing at the skin on the tip of my nose. My tangle toy, stress ball and fidget cube help a lot, but it’s not enough.

Yesterday night I felt so hopeless. I was lying down on my bed and texting and a strand of hair fell on my face and when I went to take it off, I accidentally touched my nose with my finger and I froze. I froze because it felt so good and I’ve been forcing myself to stop these days and I had to force myself again by hiding my hand under my back until the urge to scratch disappeared. It gave me so much anxiety. I thought I was going to have a panic attack, I wasn’t breathing fine and I was shaking.

It sucks so much.

I feel like there is somebody else living inside of me and making me do things with my body that I don’t want to do and it’s so tiring. This week has been so damn tiring. I’ve had to remind myself don’t do it don’t do it don’t do it when I feel the need to scratch my nose. It happens everyday all the time and I’m so fucking frustrated.

I feel so out of control and I hate it. What’s worse is, I don’t think I’ll ever stop. When I was like 10-11 years old I used to bite my bottom lip compulsively. I squeezed it with my fingers and then bit it. Sometimes it bled and it hurt but I still did it anyway. I stopped and then came the compulsive blinking. I got glasses because I thought the light was making me blink so much. Deep down I knew it wasn’t it, but I still did it because thinking about other possibilities was scary as fuck. Luckily, it didn’t last long and I stopped. And then, I began with trich. Trich has been the worst since it’s been present since I was 14 and honestly I don’t think it’s going to stop any time soon. Probably never. I’ve been pull free for 634 days but I still fear that I’ll relapse soon. For me, every relapse is worse than the last and harder to control. I live with the fear of relapsing every day that I don’t pull. It sucks but now, I have another problem to worry about, which is this stupid necessity to rub and scratch the skin on my nose. I mean, where the hell did it even come from? The lip and nose thing kind of make me think that maybe I’ve been showing symptoms of dermatillomania since I was a kid but I honestly don’t want to call it that. Trich is undeniable, obviously, but I don’t want this to be another disorder I need to worry about.

I seriously hate how fucked up my mind is. And I absolutely hate my stupid tendency to develop compulsive behaviors. I’m so fucking angry at myself right now.

And well, I can’t cry. I don’t know why but I can’t cry anymore. I used to cry for everything and now I can’t cry for anything. It’s so fucking annoying. Yet another thing that’s fucked up in me! YAY!

siggggggggggggggggggh