#day708

So 3 days ago my closest “friends” from college posted yet another picture of the absolutely amazing time they’re having hanging out together. I shouldn’t be so bitter about it. They’re my friends and they’re having a great time. How cool. So where’s the problem?

Well.

I wasn’t invited.

I am never invited to anything.

We spent all last year saying we all should go to this beautiful place that isn’t even that far away because we never spent time together beside our time in college and we planned it but it never happened because schedules just didn’t work for us.

And guess what? The first fucking thing I saw when I opened the Instagram app yesterday was a picture of them hanging out at this place. Without me. Without even telling me that they were going.

The thing is, I’m not talking to one of them anymore. We stopped talking last year. To be honest, I’m not even sure why, I just know that one day our relationship was awkward and tense and we stopped talking. I don’t know what the hell happened but I don’t give a shit anyway. She’s always fighting with someone so whatever. What pisses me off though is the fact that apparently all of our other mutual friends decided that I’m not worth shit so they’re all siding with her now. They’re taking her side on a fight that I don’t even know why is happening. And suddenly I’m nothing. I never existed for them.

So when I opened the Instagram app and I saw the picture I was completely shocked. And when I found out they were not the only ones there, they were having breakfast with the family of one of them - which, by the way, always used to invite me to every family meeting before - and I was not invited once again, I got angry. And I got angry because I was hurt because I care because apparently I am the only one who still gives a shit.

And because I’m not good with emotions, I began to shake. Shiver, more like. My whole body was shivering. My arms, my legs, my fucking teeth, everything. And I began to sweat. Like, a lot.

I was so hurt and so angry that I opened all of my apps and social networks and deleted them of all of them. They don’t give a shit about me anyway so they win. And then, when one of them noticed that I had deleted them from everywhere, she asked her best friend to follow me on instagram. It’s private though so I just declined her friend request. And then I got even angrier because what the fuck? Why do people only care when you stop giving a fuck about them? I’m so damn angry right now.

And the worst thing is, I’m as hurt as I’m angry. I’m hurt because we’ve been friends for over 5 fucking years and they just threw me away like I’m nothing. Like I never existed. Like they didn’t tell me that they loved me like a million times before. Like my family wasn’t like a family to all of them. It hurts because I feel disposable and used. It hurts because I never took sides when two of them (same one who’s fighting with me right now may I say) stopped talking for a whole year and made it awkward for the rest of us. It hurts because I don’t know what I did to deserve this. It hurts because I care and they don’t.