#day fifty-five

Wail of longing finding the lonesome shepherd

Tune of sorrow whistled in response to the wolf

OH MY GOODNESS ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL YOU’RE HOME

okay so obviously i did something i shouldn’t have today. you know it’s always been so strange to me that i can love partaking in something that ultimately causes the rift between us. but dr. t helped me see that it’s not the substance that i hate necessarily -- it’s the way you treat me while you’re under that substance. the lack of respect and the distance and the appearance that you don’t care about how i feel. i don’t know. i guess i just realized that today. also, i apologize in advance for that REALLY long text post i wrote you, and for all the typos it included (especially parts that don’t even make any sense at all). but i’m so proud of myself because i managed to stay awake and finish my ib theatre collaborative project, which is due tomorrow. and it’s so pretty! kinda kick ass if i do say so myself.

i had a good day today. driving to school today was fun, and second period i finished my essay and studied for my physics test (3rd period ss) and mostly just talked to ryan, lina, and cole. during sixth period we learned the LAST new material we’re ever going to learn for ib psych. isn’t that crazy? abnormal psych ended and now our next exam is on monday. after that, it’s only six days of studying until our official ib psych exam. hooooooly shit. i’m so unprepared for that. whoops.

i drove to target after school to buy a new lightning cable, colored notecards for psych, and little jars to keep my savings for concerts, piercings, and rainy days in. and then i danced around for a little bit and smoked out of my window (while my mom was home?). and then i spent about an hour crafting you that hideous text post and then i watched freaks & geeks with my mom, which i started watching because it reminds me of the time of year where we started dating. then i had dinner and started my collaborative project, which i just finished a little bit ago. it’s shit but it’s pretty shit so it’ll be okay.

tomorrow is a really busy day for me, and i’m sorry this letter wasn’t interesting but i know that other text post really makes up for my current boringness. so goodnight my sweetheart. tomorrow it’ll be less than a week! just think of it(:

What even was today? What did I do? How long was I awake? Forever or just a couple hours? When I stop and make myself think about it, I can come up with a rational response, but my perception is mush. I hope a change of scenery for a few days will help.

So you know how I’ve been trying not to worry about moving back into the House and how that’s not working? Yeah, today I got the pre-moving-in booklet in the mail. I looked for Matt’s name among the guys. I looked at the welcome week schedule and all I could think of was my freshman year meeting him at those events. There were people around, so I set the booklet down and tried not think about it as much... but it somehow got more real today. and I don’t know if i mean his death or the fact that I’m going back.

I listened to the first sermon from this summer’s Colorado LT. As I was listening it occurred to me that this is the longest I’ve gone without hearing Pastor John speak regularly. Because of LT last summer, I heard him most weeks for nearly two years. Listening felt familiar and like home. I’ve really missed his teaching and way of speaking.

I find myself frequently wishing that there was a way to shut my brain off. Watching stuff works to a point. Sleeping is great, except for the fear of sad dreams, and how do you sleep when you’re not physically tired at all. I’m just tired of the pain, the anxiety, and the thinking about the pain and the anxiety.