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Looks, Women And Life: Lessons Learned Going From “Ugly” To Attractive
I cringe every time I see someone saying “your looks don’t matter” – obviously that someone, whether it’s a man or a woman has never been through a significant physical transformation, never went from the side of the spectrum where you’re considered by most “unattractive” to constantly hearing comments, remarks and compliments about “how good you look”.
I cringe because over the years I have been on both sides of this spectrum.
But first, let’s go back to those, who say that looks don’t matter.
I understand what they actually mean – you can be physically unattractive and still achieve great things, have sex with beautiful women (feels a bit weird writing those two points right next to each other) and live an overall happy life.
In that sense they are absolutely correct but please don’t believe for a moment that changing your appearance doesn’t change things. Not just dealing with women but pretty much everything that includes social interactions.
This long post (no TL;DR;) is here because after working with men’s style for dating and meeting women for nearly two years now, it pains me to see how many men (and women) are struggling with appearance and physical attractiveness – physical insecurities, self-perception that stems from unhealthy beliefs about appearance, cynicism and victims mentality about “being ugly” and “you’re XZY, you have it easy”, ignorant denial “looks don’t matter”, “she should like me for who I am”, pedestaling “she’s a 9.5!!!”, etc., etc.
What I’m about to share is a personal experience and I’m sure that there are others, whose experience might or might not be somewhat different. I’m not an extreme case – I never had some deformities or been morbidly obese, nor am I a “perfect 10” right now (hopefully by the end of this post we can all stop using that hideous term). There are women, whose type I am and there are women whose type I’m not.
Also, I’ll try to share the unpolished, unbiased truth the way I see/remember it but it doesn't make it an absolute truth, I’m not the guy with the answers, just observations – take everything in with a grain of salt.
And now, time to set the tone with the before – after.
BEFORE: http://sexystyleforjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/IMG_9486-e1435679461926.jpg
AFTER: http://sexystyleforjoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/IGP9001-e1435679431377.jpg
I know, I know – you probably expected a shirtless After photo with six-pack abs and physique that would put Adonis to shame – I guess the best marketing trick ever pulled off by the fitness industry is that we associate appearance transformation almost exclusively with physique transformation.
So even though I do have leaner torso and broader shoulders in the After photo, the major changes are from style (clothes), grooming and skin care. And the only six-pack I have is the one waiting in the fridge until I finish writing this post.
Now, time for the first piece of honesty – both photos are, in a sense, staged. The Before photo was taken two years ago. As a promotion for my website’s launch I did experiment where I completely ignored my grooming for a month and found some of my old clothes, then went to see how long it would take to get back to my looking like my normal self at a time.
But do not dismiss it just yet – those old clothes were actually mine and there was a time when I really had grooming habits of a lazy chimpanzee and as friend remarked after seeing that photo “yeah, I remember seeing you like that…”
The second photo was taken for my book and actually later was used on the cover. Even though as far as I’m aware there were no major photoshop alterations (at least that’s what I asked from the photographer), I can’t say for certain (don’t care that much to be honest). It was taken by a semi-professional and the quality of photo of course comes into play too.
But even with that in mind, I’m sure you can see that the difference is truly significant and I can tell you that in many ways going through those changes did indeed change my life. Not to mention profession as my degree is in computer science, not fashion.
Lesson 1. – Looks Matter But There’s An Ugly Side To It
Let’s start with the obvious, the way you look truly changes your interaction with people, especially meeting women.
I could tell you some anecdotal cases how I got approached in a bar or the street, how a woman put her phone number on a piece of paper in the back pocket of my jeans simply after exchanging glances in the bar, unsolicited messages on online dating sites, random booty calls – all of which are true, those situations happened and keep happening.
But this would create an illusion that it’s somehow the standard on a day-to-day basis and it’s not. It’s not a magic bullet and women don’t just start jumping on you the moment you leave the apartment.
It also would ignore the context – the way I felt about myself when those situations happened and the way those women felt about themselves too. It’s never correct to simplify human interactions to a single dimension and as much as we’d like to pretend that we know the causes that lead to a particular outcome in most cases we’re just scratching the surface.
But one thing is clear for certain – those very enjoyable outcomes noted above never happened when I looked like in the before photo. They just didn’t.
Still, a more significant change is one that you do experience on a day-to-day basis.
First off, getting groomed and dressed up in the morning or before going out at night does feel like putting on your superhero costume – you look in the mirror and really like what you see, you feel truly as an attractive man and as a result you just feel more confident leaving the apartment. It’s hard not smile when you feel like a million bucks.
As a result of that (when it comes to outcomes it’s difficult to distinguish between how you look and how you feel), on a daily basis I’ve noticed that people are just straight-up nicer, friendlier. Quite often a clerk at a store or barista at a coffee shop will smile and initiate a friendly/flirty banter – in time you actually start to expect these things and when once, after getting a cup of coffee, an acquaintance remarked “do they always get so chatty with you?” all I could answer “I guess so, it’s kind of their job, isn’t?”
But looking back no, it wasn’t always the case, at least not when I dressed and groomed as in the before photo.
But there’s a dark side to this too.
This validation is addictive and I now truly understand women, who dress up for nights out even when they decided before-hand they are not out to get laid that night. And when you don’t get your fix you instantly start thinking that something is wrong “I’ve been taking a walk through city center for half an hour now and I haven’t exchanged a single smile/flirty glance with a cute woman – what’s wrong? Is my hair messed up? This style must not be working…”
As petty and insecure as it sounds I did have those thoughts more than I’d like to admit during this long journey. During this time it really was an emotional roller-coaster when your self-esteem seems to solely depend on how many times you’ve been checked out, flirted with a cute girl or got complimented.
So even though changing your looks is a great way to get your self-esteem going, changing your interactions and the feedback you’re getting in the long-run you do need something more substantial to build yourself up and stay grounded.
Which conveniently takes us to the next lesson…
(Side note: if you want a more scientific explanation of why looks matter check out "Looks: Why They Matter More Than You Ever Imagined" by Gordon Patzer – but be warned, it will be disillusioning.)
Lesson 2. Becoming Good Looking Won’t Make You Happy, But It Can Make You Unhappy If You’re Not Careful
I’d like to think that my biggest win in the genetic lottery is my natural resting happiness level – despite ups and downs, even short streaks of feeling depressed, I’ve always considered myself to be a happy person, at least in general.
I think if this wasn’t the case two things would’ve happened over the years:
I’d probably be in a much better shape/be better looking than I am right now
Likely I’d have serious obsessions with my own appearance bordering a personality disorder
"Ignorance is bliss" very much applies to your appearance too. Most people, who fall into the “unattractive” category are not there because they have some deformities or serious physical conditions – oh no, the absolute majority, and I was in that boat too, are there because they are oblivious to the habits that over the years end up making someone good looking, attractive – exercising and active lifestyle, taking care of your skin/hair, developing an eye for style and good looking clothes.
Truly, excluding serious medical conditions nearly anyone can have those parts handled and over time end up being considered good looking.
Now, here’s the problem – when you start consciously working on those habits a whole new world opens up – one, where there’s always more to achieve.
To illustrate, let’s take an example that many of you might be familiar with – did you notice that it feels like you’re seeing more epic physiques everywhere you look after to start hitting the gym?
I mean, almost the instant you start working out, eating smarter and start getting results it seems the world conspires to show how much more you have to achieve (and how insignificant your current achievements are) by showing posts on Facebook with people, who have better physiques, every TV show suddenly features a ripped guy – something you haven’t noticed before that.
Same happens when you start working on getting rid of acne – damn it, why all of the sudden you start noticing every person with a perfect skin.
Of course, the world doesn’t conspire (it couldn’t give two shits about you or me deciding “once and for all” get the physique handled), it’s simply our brains noticing something that we are actively focusing on in life.
And there’s always more to achieve, improve, to fix…
So here’s the deal – if you’re reading this and think that “if only I had six pack abs like Tom” I will be happy, I have bad news, chances are that no, you won’t. After the moment of glory when you first take a photo of your abs in the gym, you will get back to being as happy as you are right now.
The only difference is that you will then find yourself thinking “I’d be happy if only I had broad shoulders like John” or whatever. Unfortunately, this often doesn’t stop there and is complemented by “and hands like Brad, and a cool short beard like Jay, oh – and that biker leather jacket I saw on Twitter…”
In many ways this gets back to the feeling of inadequacy and having a big part of your self-esteem riding on your appearance. Becoming better looking won’t make your life more fulfilling in general. It will change things, but whether you’ll appreciate them and celebrate those victories or blindly rush for the next thing “to fix” will depend on what else you have going for you.
Want to know how happy you will be after getting something? Grab a beer and ask someone, who already got what you want. (Ref: “Stumbling on Happiness” by Daniel Gilbert)
Lesson 3. Becoming Attractive Will Take Time And It Will Take Effort
When marketing what I do, I often write that your new look can be achieved in an afternoon shopping trip and an appointment with a hairstylist – and it’s technically true.
For example, six months ago with a few friends we did an experiment – how much changing my clothes will affect my perceived height and attractiveness (ref: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZyKy3opNe4&f ) and in ~10-15 minutes that it took me to go home and change clothes, I’ve managed to “grow” by 5 cm and go from 6 to 8 on an attractiveness scale.
But it’s only true with one assumption – you know what you’re doing.
Let’s take a completely different situation let’s say your computer stopped working (nothing major) – if you’re familiar with how computers work it won’t take you long to identify the issue and fix it (maybe you’ll need to wait until a new piece of hardware is shipped).
But damn if you don’t – if you have no clue what’s wrong with it, other than it’s not working and never tried fixing a computer before (and don’t know that you can google pretty much anything), it will take tremendous time and effort to fix it yourself. Chances are you’ll make it worse before you’ll make it better.
It’s the same with looks,
When you’re starting alone on this path I can guarantee you – it will take time and it will take effort. Over the years as I polished my style to suit my needs I’ve made pretty much every mistake in the book, I bought clothes that I had to give away because they were unwearable, I’ve wasted years experimenting with various shortcuts to get a better physique and indeed some of my choices down the road made my overall appearance worse before it became better.
The part that’s tricky about changing your appearance is that different from fixing a computer, you usually don’t know if it’s working or not the moment you implement something: developing a clear skin will take time and improving your physique will definitely take time (I’m still paying dues in those departments). The exceptions could be style and grooming but even then, before you develop an eye for this stuff or have a friend, who knows what he/she is talking about, it will be very much guesswork.
The best thing I can recommend to help you stick with it is to learn to love the process and celebrate your small wins.
The irony is, no matter how much effort and time you will put in, you’ll have to face the next lesson.
Lesson 4. You’ll Never Be Perfect And That’s Liberating
Let’s call this “SHB10 fallacy” – I noticed long ago that when I spotted a beautiful woman I would often feel intimidated by her beauty and avoid actually, truly looking at her. Not in a way that I would avert my gaze or avoid eye contact, but it felt as if looking at her would be like touching a piece of art in a gallery – something that’s very tempting to do, but something that is “not allowed”, so you’re just stealing glances.
As a result, I would only see the facade that this women prepared with her image and in turn feel that a truly beautiful woman was physically perfect.
But as I worked on my own appearance and over time learned how to visually camouflage or emphasize certain physical features, as I staged photos for various experiments, as I was noticing the ever-increasing positive feedback from women, while at the same time still noticing every little imperfection in my own looks, something started to change.
First, that feeling of being intimidated by her beauty subsided. Secondly, I became very curious at truly noticing those beautiful women – every little detail beyond make up, pretty hair and tight sundress.
They all have imperfections! Women that are considered “SHB” are generally better at masking them but they are there. This doesn’t make them any less attractive (personally, those little details just made me desire them more) but it did change something in the way I view them and myself.
She was no longer someone flawless, someone that walked straight out of my dreams and fantasies. No, she was just another girl, who wakes up with a morning breath, takes a dump, then grooms herself, dresses up and then looks stunningly.
And if we’re being pragmatic about it, her beauty in most cases is a result a pretty good draw in the gene lottery, great habits that over the years made her so attractive and mad skills at presenting herself to further emphasize this attractiveness.
I mean it should be obvious, it’s not like it’s some hidden ancient wisdom, but in a way, in my mind it made it okay for me to imperfect too without feeling like I need to prove that I’m worthy of her or try to impress her.
The funny thing is, she likely notices her every imperfection too and is probably insecure about some of them just as you and me are about some of our flaws.
One thing I would like to add here is that if you do have trouble looking past simple physical imperfections in women you might want to experiment with cutting down (off) porn.
Oh yeah, and I hope this goes without saying – neither me nor you are ever going to be perfect either. So how about we cut the crap with the terms like “SHB”, “HB10” and similar, because they are damaging to us all…
Lesson 5. The 1 – 10 Scale Is Complete Crap
At this point I’m pretty sure that using terms like HB7.5, SHB, evaluating your own looks on an artificial scale just might be one of the most damaging things that ever happened in the seduction community.
The only attractive people I know, who are still using such scale on a regular basis are those, who are working in this industry and are trying to sell you something. Simply because it’s easier to impress someone, who’s just starting out and is insecure about his own value in the sexual market, by saying that “yeah, I used this technique to pick a HB9” than “I hooked up with a hottie”.
A good example is the video reference I made in the Lesson 3. – numbers are all about marketing.
Anyway, at some point something interesting happened,
After reading just another post on a seduction forum about looks and “HBs” I realized that I genuinely have trouble putting a number on a woman (or myself for that matter). Can’t point exactly when this happened but yeah, feels good.
The issue with using any sort of scale is much more than semantics.
When I started out on this path (my first introduction to seduction community, well one of its programs to be more exact, happened nearly a decade ago), I of course used that same scale like everyone else. As a result, few things I can recall about my own behavior:
I would feel intimidated by women, who I would consider 7+ – if she’s an 8 and I’m a 5-6 then she’s obviously bringing more to the table and I surely need to do something special to get her.
I would very much worry about what my friends would think about if I slept with her/introduced her to them – “well, of course I find her very attractive, but objectively maybe she’s a 7, will they think lesser of me because Tom’s GF is an 8?”
I would often wonder why obviously good-looking men with women that I don’t find particularly attractive – “surely they must be settling or have no game!”
But interesting thing happened as I improved my own physical appearance and overcame some of my own insecurities:
Firstly, as mentioned earlier, I genuinely have trouble putting a number on a woman, I mean I obviously can if I need to, but it just feels random – instead it’s along the lines of “I find her attractive and she’s my type”, “I think she’s attractive but not my type”, “I don’t find her attractive”.
As a result, I truly don’t find woman’s beauty that intimidating – if she’s attractive and I’m attractive, we’re good to go in my book. I still feel that slight tension somewhere around the ribs and excitement when I approach a beautiful woman, but it’s not about her looks but simply about the idea of meeting a new person, putting myself out there, being vulnerable (truthfully, as I'm re-reading and formating this before posting a similar feeling is coming up ).
That need for approval, wanting to impress fellow men is still lingering there somewhere – I have to wonder if it ever goes away – but I’ll never let it stand in the way of getting with a woman I find desirable “who gives a shit, if someone thinks she’s a 7 or a 10”.
Lastly, I no longer think that when handsome men are with women I don’t find particularly attractive, they are settling – I know for certain that in most cases these men are very attracted to those women for one reason or the other and I can shove my “you could do better, man” up my ass.
And that’s on top of the obvious that any scale like that will always be subjective – for example, I’m not a “curvy women” guy, big boobs/butts for me are just not as attractive as slender, proportionate physique (catwalk model would be too far the other way.) and I personally know men, who wouldn’t give a girl that is perfectly my type a second glance if there’s a woman with big breasts anywhere near, even if she’s chubbier.
This also applies to us, men, too. Remember the experiment we did mentioned earlier in this post:
In the first set of clothes my attractiveness varied from 2(!) to 8
In the second set of clothes it was from 6 to 9
So the subjectivity is not just about how attractive we find women but also how much it varies from woman to woman how attractive they find us. (And goes to further emphasize the previous lesson.)
I’m not oblivious to the fact that I find some women more attractive than others, even among those I consider to be just my time, and every once in a while you meet someone, who’s just so perfectly YOUR type that your eyes light up just from the thought of getting with her. Those exhilarating moments are truly wonderful.
Which brings me to my last point in this long, long rant.
There’s Something Wonderful And Captivating About Beauty
When you strip insecurities, approval seeking, scarcity, fear, what is left is something truly wonderful. Sometimes just seeing a beautiful, feminine woman can make me happy to be alive. I think knowing how much effort really goes into looking attractive adds a sense of appreciation to all of it.
Right now, I’m extremely happy that some of the seemingly unfortunate and uncomfortable events in my past lead to take on this path and shape my life as it did. It’s not just rainbows and puppies but it was sure as hell worth it and I feel like I’m just picking up the pace.
Doing this introspect, writing this out to share with you does feel a little strange knowing that I’m by no means at the end of my own path, I don’t have it all figured out and I know for certain that I still have some deeper insecurities lingering around. I’m sure that even more lessons await me down this path.
I hope this didn’t came off too preachy and at this point I wonder if anyone will actually bother to read through it. If you did, I’m raising my beer to you.
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