That is what happened to me only half an hour ago, half a  varga  since we’re still in space. I'm just there in the room with the paladins of Voltron and rebels while trying to calm myself from the adrenaline rush. I don’t think nobody knows what almost happened except for maybe Matt, who keeps looking at me. I try to pay attention to  Kolivan , I really do try, but my mind is running at a mile per minute about how I  almost died.  

I shouldn’t be feeling like this. I mean I have almost died several times, and it’s not me being dramatic. I'm in a war, I put my life on the line so others don’t have to. This one though, this one was like facing death head on whereas the other times I didn’t care how close to death I really was. I would have gone through with the act, would have rammed my ship into the  shield  to save the coalition.  

The mission before the individual.  

That’s the Blades’ way.  

Thank goodness Lotor was there, but even  then,  that act alone leads me to wanting answers for my millions of questions I have for the prince. Why help us? Why go against your own empire? Why now decide to join the fight? What did he do to want to switch side from being the enemy, to being the ally? What will he gain?  

So many confusing questions that I can feel them behind my eyelids. I shake out of my thoughts in time to see Shiro and  Kolivan  nod before everybody starts to exit the room.  

I quickly get out of my seat and leave the room, but not before I hear  Kolivan  call out, “We’ll be leaving in a varga,”  

I nod my head, knowing he probably won’t see it, but it’s still the action of doing it. I don’t really know what to do. Everybody is busy, I don’t think I could really go to my old room, and I doubt I can go to the training deck.  Kolivan  has already warned me beforehand that if he catches me on the training deck here, he will make me do drills for five  vargas  straight. I may have great stamina, but  Kolivan’s  drill is a nightmare.  

I just start to walk over to the kitchen to grab a water, my throat dry, before I see a shadow start to follow me, then a hand lands on my shoulder and before I can process whoever it is, my instincts take over. I grab the hand and twist it before I turn around, about to kick the offender’s leg out of them-  

“Woah there Keith. It’s me. It's your second unofficially adopted older brother,” Matt quickly shouts with wide eyes.  

I let go of his hand as I take a step back, “Sorry,” I apologized. I try to get away because I know why Matt is here and not with his sister, and I don’t want to talk about it but-  

“Ah Kogane, I should know better than to startle a Samurai ninja like that after an almost death experience,” He says.  

“First, I'm not a ninja  samurai -”  

“ Yes  you are-”  

“Samurai are nobles that decided to be warriors in ancient Japanese, whereas ninjas are just normal people in Japan who are spies, and assassins, and last I checked, I'm not a noble,” I blurt out.  

“Well sorry that I don’t keep useless information on these types of things,” I just shrug as I start to walk away.  

“Bye Matt,” I wave and I start to speed walk away.  

“Nope, no you don’t. You don’t get to walk off like that after you did a kamikaze move like that.” he grabs my shoulder to turn me around so I could face him, “I thought the Japanese did that in World War ||, and you are Korean, it’s not like it’s in your blood or anything,”  

“I didn’t go through with it, Lotor shot down the shield in time, so I'm fine,”  

“You almost died and you are going to just walk off like that,” we start walking to an unknown destination.  

“We almost die all the time-”  

“But nobody goes running head first into a forcefield, you’re lucky Lotor was there,” and I sigh because he’s right about both statement he made. I was lucky, very lucky.  

“I know Matt, but if one life needs to be  sacrificed  for  tens  of millions of people, then I will do it again,” we turn a corner, and it feels like I'm leading, but I'm still a little to shaken up to really care.  

“But that’s just it Keith, you think nobody will miss you if you exploded into little Keith bits?” we round another corner, and we are before the door that leads to the lions, specifically the Black Lion.  

“Matt, what are we doing here?” I ask as I cross my arms in front of my chest.  

“You think I brought you here? Nope, you did, I let you lead, you’re the one who started to walk around, not me,” and at this I tilt my head in thought before I walk in.  

“Okay, I'm really glad you walked over here because we need to talk, let’s go near the nice  kitties'  leg so the barrier can come down and we can talk about you sacrificing without saying goodbye and how you think you are nothing,” I just nod because nothing much I can actually do.  

So, we walk behind the lion’s leg and the particle barrier come up, surprising me with how it actually listened to me.  

“So, first of all, you DON’T go SACRIFICING yourself!” he shouts at me, startling me, “I know the whole Blades motto is ‘the mission before the individual’ and all that,” he quoted the motto with his fingers, “But if you would not have been so stupidly hotheaded, we could have made another plan,”  

“But there wasn’t time to make any other PLAN!” I shouted back before I took a deep breath, “Matt, tens of thousands of lives were at stake, I couldn’t let my measly life be the reason why families died, and if Lotor wasn’t there, and I didn’t ram my shop, I would have died either way,” I tried to reason.  

“ You  stupid idiotic imbecile!” he shouted, “You are Keith  quiznacking  Kogane! You are not  some type  of worthless person who will not be missed if you died.”  

“Matt-”  

“No, you are not listening!” he stopped for a second before he took a deep breath, “I will now list your accomplishment in no particular order,” he calmy said  

“M-”  

“And if you  interrupt,  I will hit you so hard with my staff that you wish you  kamikazed;  you understand?”  

I nod as I cross my arms.  

“You, Keith Akira Kogane, have accomplished a lot of things even with the universe going against you. You have beaten Shiro’s record back at Garrison. It wasn’t just one, not two, not even five, but all of them before the age of eighteen,” he pauses for effect, “rescued Shiro from the Garrison, found carvings to find the blue lion, became the red lion’s pilot, a paladin of Voltron, fought  Zarkon  head on and survived, survived the trials of Marmora that Shiro has said looked hard, awakened your blade, became the black lion’s paladin, led Voltron, then turned into a space ninja,” Matt quickly took a huge gulp of air.  

I just raised my eyebrow, waiting for him to tell me he was done.  

“Now then Kogane, I know you like being Mr. Macho and everything, but it’s okay to not be okay,” he says.  

“I am okay,” I insist.  

“No, you are not Keith, I saw you during the meeting. You were bouncing your leg, a nervous tick you subconsciously do, and glaring at the table as if it ate Shiro or something. You are not okay,” Matt takes a big breath, “Keith, you are like a younger brother I never have, sure I have Ka-Pidge, but she’ll always be my sister, I can’t lose you to this war. I already lost dad, and I know he’s still alive, but I can’t actually lose you and there is no way to get you back,” Matt says seriously.  

I don’t know what to say. It's war. That's life. Many people need to make sacrifices because it can be the cause for millions of people.  

“What do you want me to say? It’s war, I can’t guarantee that I'll survive,” I whisper.  

Matt holds onto my shoulder before he pulls me into a hug.  

“Just try to stay alive, that’ll be enough,” I nod my head, “besides, who’s going keep giving Shiro white hair, or keep scaring me to death, huh?” we both laugh until we pull apart.  

I quickly wipe the few tears that were staining my  cheeks .  

“Thanks Matt,” I whispered.  

“Anytime,” he had tear tracks too, but didn’t make any move.  

“I should go make sure I'm not late,” I start to walk away when Matt calls out.  

“Keith, you are my little brother, just like Pidge is my little sister, we’re family,” and I nod my head.