Dear Future Boyfriend â Are You in My Dating Range?
There is an age range that every person has that is acceptable for them to date in.  Itâs an unspoken rule, but everyone sort of knows the boundaries. When youâre in elementary school, youâre a baby to the middle schoolers. When youâre in middle school youâre a child to the high schoolers. And when youâre in high school youâre jail bait to the adults⊠unless youâre R Kelly. And in that case, heâs asking you to stop by after trigonometry with the young girl you baby sit on the weekdays. He has an extra happy meal for you both, orange Hi-C, light ice, to not water it down, just the way you like it⊠ Oh, too soon???  Stop it, he pissed on someone like twelve years ago. A 12-year-old. Itâs time to stop stepping in the name of love guys. Pick another family reunion song already.  Anyhow, when youâre a man I understand the dating range is scrutinized. You never want to be the dirty old man hitting on young girls at the bar. But surprisingly they do exist mainly because most dirty old men are highly unaware. Youâd think when they are getting dressed in their matching Nike track suit or age inappropriate cut out jeans with the coordinating football jersey, some bell would ring. â Hey, youâre old dude. No one under the age 35 dresses like that.  But no, these guys confidently make their way to every 20/30-something bar, club, party (who is inviting them btw) so they can find some unsuspected soul, usually a young lady who has managed to wander away from her friends to go to her bathroom, or because she spoke to someone she knew a fraction of a second too long and now sheâs isolated, fair game to be harassed for the remainder of the night. Â
Future Boyfriend, good for you Iâm not a dirty old man, but what if Iâm a dirty old woman, Eartha Kitt style in Boomerang â Maaaarcus darlingâŠ.  Okay, thatâs extreme, but I am a lady who has no idea what my dating range is. Somewhere along the line while celebrating my 26thbirthday â repeatedly, I got older. Not quite sure when, but apparently, I aged⊠no I matured. Aging means I look old, unless Iâm wine, but Iâm not and I donât, so consider yourself lucky. But I am more mature. Things I once thought was tolerable, I have zero patience for. Like living for today. Youâre not Drake, #YOLO is over, so whatâs your game plan. Iâm not interested in living check to check in a one-bedroom apartment with your Jordan collectionđ. Grow up.  Also, get a grip of your emotions. You like me or you donât. Iâm not interested in little mind games. Three days with zero communication, and itâs like baseball â Youâre Out!  Between the two above infractions and a few others: 1 â You still call your mom, âmommyâ.  2 â You think Taco Bell is an acceptable first date.  3 â Youâre on a shared Netflix account with 10 other people, so weâre never able to watch a movie. And 4 â You think a $10 glass of wine is steep. Generation Z isnât for me.  These guys are still trying to find themselves. And even if they are cute, fun and filled with the promise of amazing sex, I have to say ânoâ. Weâre not on the same page and youâll probably mess up my credit anyhow. So Future Boyfriend, maybe youâre an older man. They do say women mature faster than men so perhaps I need to stop looking and the youngins and start talking to their pops. In theory it sounds great.  Older guys are established in their career so thatâs one step closer to retirement, pension and social security.  Oh and a golf cart. I always wanted one of those things to ride around my suburban community doing a royalty wave. I donât know if I pictured you alongside me, but I guess I could use a driver. Score!  Also, most older guys are one or two times divorced. Thatâs perfect, he ironed out all of the kinks on his practice wives. But the down side is when we go out, people will ask me, âHow long is your father in town visiting.â â Tragic!  Not to mention, every time you nod off during a conversation Iâm going to think youâve died. And that kind of inconsistency just isnât fairâŠ. For my golf cart dream.  So Future Boyfriend I believe youâre sitting right in the sweet spot: Somewhere between 35 and 45⊠no a 45-year-old goes to bed at 8:30 - pass.  Okay, maybe itâs between 25 and 35⊠no a 25-year-old is too close to my nephewâs age. I canât date his friends, theyâre going to call me Auntie Cougar.  What about between 30 and 40⊠hold up, a 30-year-old is practically a 20-year-old. Iâm going to have to help him build a vision board to figure out his dreams.  Too much!  Looks like we have a dilemma Future Boyfriend. I donât know my dating range, but I do know for you to hang with me you need the energy of a 20-year-old without the stupidity, the forward thinking of a 30-year-old without the baggage, and the practicality of a 40-year-old without the narcolepsy.  So, how about you just dress age appropriately and weâll figure out the rest. Because the best thing about me is Iâm ageless⊠so I blend in with everyone.
Xo,
Mix
