When I made it I was in an incredibly negative headspace. For months I've been carrying guilt and shame for what I did to Mana and "Datamined". I've been trying to distract myself all this time, focusing on other things, but that had always been at the back of my mind. Then a bunch of incidents being topped by another stupid, insensitive thing I did elsewhere just caused it all to bubble out.

When I saw that only my one Showtime post that was just a silly observation was getting a lot of activity when everything else was ignored, I snapped. I was expressing my worries about the racism issue in the "Amazing Digital Circus" fandom and how that could potentially affect "The Last Act". I pushed through the anxiety I felt opening up my askbox and even publicly announcing it so that I could try to shift my focus away to talk about other topics. And yet this one dumb comment I made is what gets all the attention?

That's not an excuse for my behavior though. I was ingrateful and let my emotions get the better of me, and as such I let myself flagrantly express agitation, the last thing I ever want to do. I recognize my mistake, and fully-own and apologize for that.

Awhile after what I did to Mana I thought that maybe I could try being a bit more active here on tumblr, with the intention of starting over. Opening the askbox was part of that. But I got nervous, and stalled doing so for months. Then when I finally went ahead and did it, just as a way to calm down after ranting about the "Amazing Digital Circus" fandom...no response. It made me feel insignificant. Like I wasn't interesting enough for others to want to talk to, like I had nothing meaningful to give other people. These were just feelings exemplified from other interactions I've had on Social Media over the years.

Now I'm going to talk about something that's hard to mention; When I made that post, I wrote it with the intent of it being the last post I made before taking my life. The only reason I'm confessing to this now is because I don't know if anyone caught onto those implications, but if anyone did I didn't want to leave any implications that I was doing the asshole thing of lying about it to fish for sympathy and followers. No, I made that post fully intending to end myself. I couldn't go through with it, and I'm not going to now...yet at the same time, a part of me wishes that I did.

I just can't forgive myself for what I did to "Datamined". For all these past months I've been enraged with myself for what I did to Mana, dealing with these turbulent feelings all this time. I've had the desire to punish myself because of these feelings, so I was planning my end for a long time. Part of that is because I still love "Datamined", I still love Mana and her work, and I want to share it with other people. But after what I did, it feels wrong to want that.

In trying to share "Datamined" with others, I made a fanmade Archive Masterpost and reposted it on my account. I promoted her plushie campaign constantly, and then tried to fully-fund it myself when I saw that it was making no progress. All this, on top of a bunch of other over-dramatic things I did for her as a fan, freaked her out and destroyed her spirit. And after she blocked me on Twitter for what I did, confirming to me that she hates me and never wants to see me again, I now fear what would happen if I publicly admitted I still love "Datamined".

I'm scared that if I try to discuss it or make any fan-content for it, she and her friends and fans will get angry at me for it. Because I've already crossed the line with her, and I don't want to make it worse. But I SO BADLY want to share "Datamined" and talk about it with other people. I want to talk about the characters, how much work Mana put into it, create superfluous headcannons and AUs and such for it just for fun. I would love if me sharing it with others would peak anyone else's interest in it so that they can check it out for themselves. But because I've alienated Mana's entire community, I'm scared of what could happen if they found out I was drawing attention to her work. What should be recognized as her work and hers alone.

I can't talk about Mana with anyone. Everytime I bring her up with my friends and family, it always ends at the same point that I should let her go and move on. And look, I recognize that that is solid advice and see why it would be suggested to me. But I've tried "moving on" from her for years, and it never worked. I've always thought about it, everyday. And it's not just some hopeless crush and me being a lovesick puppy, it's much, much deeper than that.

Mana inspires me heavily. She's like the type of woman I've always wanted to be; Creative, strong-willed, and inspiring to a lot of people. As someone who used to dream about being an entertainment entrepreneur, Mana was someone who gave me a sense of hope. Because I was questioning my dream at the time, in her I still saw myself and the passion I had and struggles I went through. So I figured even if I can't make my dream come true, I should at least put in the effort to help out someone like me. That's why I decided to support her.

But I'm not Mana. I never was, and I'll never be like her. I'm not influential enough to lead a following like Mana does, and even when I do bring people together it's always because I did something wrong. That's why I've been having these feelings of making myself pay after what I did to Mana. Why should I try to move on after I've made her suffer? Why should I make my dream come true after I ruined hers? Why do I deserve a happily ever after when I shoved her into the mud.

And again, I get why everyone tells me to forget her and move on but...I can't. And I don't want to. I don't want to forget all of the positive things I got from my experience with Mana. I don't want to forget how her work made me feel. I don't want to forget "Datamined". Even if tainted with bad memories, I don't want to toss away the good memories from it all too.

But I have to accept reality. I ruined Mana's life, I destroyed "Datamined", she hates me and has every right too. I got blocked by her and I fully deserve it. I want to be respectful of her boundaries and not bother her anymore. But I also want to talk about and share her webcomic with everyone, and the fact that I still feel this way is why I feel like the only way Mana can be truly happy is if I am gone for good period, not just from her accounts.

I know I shouldn't be talking about any of this to a bunch of strangers on a Social Media Website. I know that doing so is a terrible idea.