Dark Asylum (2001)
It’s only logical that a dreadful movie like Dark Asylum be forgotten. No Wikipedia page or DVD release and every bit of information about it was hard to confirm. Is my big box of VHS tapes going to be nothing but endless vomit-worthy science fiction and horror films?
A prolific serial killer nicknamed “The Trasher” (Larry Drake) has finally been apprehended after killing over 30 people. After his arrest, he’s brought to a psychological hospital that is about to close down for the night and manages to escape from his restraints. Psychologist Maggie (Paulina Porizkova) and a mental patient she befriends named Quitz (Judd Nelson) must face off against the madman as the building goes into lockdown.
I can’t believe this movie was made in 2001. I would've expected this out of the ’80s, not the 21st Century! Devoid of any scares, with cheap special effects (when there are any) and featuring characters so inhumanely stupid that by the end of it, you’ll be tempted to cheer for the killer. I almost applaud the film for jumping through the hoops it does to make its story happen. See, The Thrasher a unique modus operandi. He kills people randomly and takes the bodies with him. He then bleeds them dry THEN brings them to (and I’m not making this up) his hidden underground sewer lair, complete with candles and a library!
It takes years to become a mental doctor. Unfortunately, the curriculum doesn't include street smarts. The mental patient who's only been outside the asylum twice in 16 years has more survival instincts than Maggie. If she isn't wasting her bullets trying to break down a window, she’s accidentally (and sometimes purposefully) giving up her position to The Trasher while hiding from him. When she gains the upper hand against the killer, she screws it up by forgetting to double-tap. Keep in mind, this isn’t some regular, run-of-the-mill murderer. This is a man who smashes through glass head-first without suffering any injury, plows through more doors than he opens, strangles people with his bare hands as a hobby, and considers bullet wounds inconveniences.
Writer/Director Gregory Gieras must be a fan of Home Alone. Maggie, Quitz, and The Trasher all Maguyver complex mechanisms from junk they find. At one point each tries to electrocute, blow up, or otherwise harm their opponents. It’s almost enough to distract you from the agonizing performances. Larry Drake is easily the best actor in Dark Asylum and most of his lines consist of grunts as he manages to escape from his restraints using only his teeth and the power of stock sounds effects while standing perfectly still.
Even the sound is bad, most notably when Maggie’s daughter is on-screen. I swear her lines were added in post-production by someone reading the script for the first time. In this arena of shoddiness, everyone is right at home: even the police officers are so brainless they just barely manage not to kill each other.
I can’t help but laugh thinking back at the climax. I’m fairly certain that a) sewer pipes vary in size and many would be far too small for a human to pass through b) they twist in all kinds of different ways and would be difficult to navigate, particularly in the dark c) are not labeled in a way that makes it easy to identify. At one point, The Thrasher decides he wants to get revenge on Maggie for thwarting his escape plans and begins making his way towards her home address via the sewers. He navigates the underground like a Ninja Turtle, surprising and killing police officers (off-screen). Maggie has only the slimmest chance of catching up. She pursues him on foot and makes it there just a few minutes after he does. It’s impossible but could have been avoided completely if the story had her do something logical like you know… DRIVE HER CAR!
I get excited watching movies. Even bad ones can be great fun, and even if it’s total, absolute junk it makes for great writing material. I certainly have a lot to say but actually viewing Dark Asylum was exhausting. This film royally sucks. Anyone who says otherwise must be insane. (On VHS, November 19, 2015)
