TEXT FROM MOM: Hey Honey, we were thinking about you. Talk sometime soon? We’d love to have you for dinner some night.

DARK HOG TEXT SUMMARY: Mom wants night honey for dinner.

[MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY is dressed as a poor farmer, knee deep in pig sh*t]

MCCONAUGHEY: Are you tired of third party vendors claiming that their DHT technologies perform higher on NLI, BLEURT and MLUU benchmarks compared to their competitors, all while failing to provide UX on their front end to increase consumer usability and scaling so that your small to medium sized business can achieve maximum profitability over the long term? I know I am.

[WOODY HARRELSON is dressed as a late 19th century robber-baron. He’s driving past on a nearby road in a 1928 Ford Model T. A certain Dark Hog is sitting in the passenger's seat, wearing a monocle and smoking a long cigarette]

HARRELSON: Should have used Dark Hog!

TRUMP: [at a press conference, bored monotone, squinting] Which is we're announcing a 500% tariff on all Chinese dark hog technology so that we may strengthen and protect our precious... American Dark Hog Technology and seize the future [raising Inflection as though answering a question] for American Industry. [back to monotone] By feeding and fattening this critical resource we can finally, finally, ensure our inheritance and build a new glorious future.

VAN JONES: [Crying] today is the day Trump became President

NYT: That Viral Video of Van Jones Praising Trump Was A Deep Hog Fake. Here’s Why That Doesn’t Matter

POPE BODY ON DISPLAY: ………..

DARK HOG RUDE MODE: Strap in and buckle up bucko because you've just activated Dark Hog Rude Mode. Let's delve tf in to some humorous responses to your prompts.

REGULAR YOUTUBER: But before we get to that. You all know that I only let brands sponsor my show if I actually use them, which is why I'm absolutely over the moon to announce that today's episode is sponsored by Dark Hog Tech and NordVPN

DEEP HOG COSTELLO HOLOGRAM: [tap dancing, about to blow his top] I’m feelin’ the evil!

INBOX: ESPN Bet Is Now DARK HOG BET. Get $100 Added To Your Trough When You….

KEVIN HARLAN: And we’ve got a foul and a couple of free throws here to put Luka at the line, taking us to a brief word from our sponsor for tonight's programming: DARK HOG BET. DARK HOG BET: Bring Home The Bacon.

REGGIE MILLER: Did you make that up? That’s a good one [Luka misses free throw]

KEVIN HARLAN: I did not. I just. I just read what it says on the card.

[The Taco Bell Chihuahua is back. He’s 34 years old, sleeping on a small velvet pillow. He’s toothless and brittle. Suddenly, a bright spotlight shines on him. Disoriented, he slowly begins to awaken and feebly stares directly into the camera]

TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA: [weakly] Yo Quiero Dark Hog Coin.