#dark alien comedy

<meta transmission-category="BLACKSITE LITERATURE™ :: EXTRATERRESTRIAL CONTACT PROTOCOL"> <script> TRIGGER_WARNING="delusional optimism, species-level narcissism, extinction humor" TRANSMISSION_CODE="XENO_REALITY_CHECK::FIRST_CONTACT_MISCONCEPTIONS_V1" EFFECT="Disney delusion purge, survival dread, anti-utopia reprogramming" </script>

🛸 “WISH WE COULD SOMEDAY MEET OUR FRIENDS FROM THE STARS?” COOL. LET’S UNPACK WHY THAT’S ONE OF THE DUMBEST HOPES A PRIMATE COULD HAVE. (And why the happiest outcome is that they’ve ignored us this long.)

☠️ 1. THEY DON’T WANT TO SING WITH US.

This isn’t Encanto. They’re not landing to hold hands and harmonize in 7-part interstellar harmony.

You think an intelligence advanced enough to reach us wants to jam with the same species that invented MLMs, reality TV, and the Fleshlight?

They’re not here to teach us. They’re here to collect data, neutralize threats, or reap harvests.

And spoiler alert: We are the harvest.

🧠 2. THEY AREN’T CURIOUS.

Curiosity is a human bias. We project it onto everything, like toddlers handing flowers to serial killers.

They’re not poking around because they want to "learn about humanity."

They’re poking around because they saw your planet like a farmer sees an anthill in a wheat field.

Not worth saving. Just needs to be flattened before harvest season.

🌌 3. THEY DON’T LOOK HUMAN.

Aliens won’t have sexy abs and trauma eyes like they do on Netflix.

They won’t be humanoid. They’ll be function-first survival horrors that evolved in oceans of methane and communicate through ultrasonic violence rhythms that sound like tinnitus and seizures had a baby.

They don’t blink. They vibrate until your bones forget what shape means.

You won’t want to fuck them. You’ll want to hide inside another species.

☢️ 4. WE’RE NOT READY FOR THEIR MORALS.

If they even have “morals,” they won’t resemble anything in our little ethics coloring book.

They might consider mercy to be sterilizing an entire species before contact— so they don’t suffer the shame of knowing what they are.

Or worse, they might worship suffering as an art form.

So when they finally speak to us, it won’t be “We come in peace.”

It’ll be: “Please scream slower. We like the way it ripples.”

📡 5. THEY’VE HEARD OUR SIGNALS. THEY’RE LAUGHING.

We’ve been beaming out TV, radio, and porn into deep space like drunk toddlers throwing crayons into a wood chipper.

If they received our signals, the first thing they ever heard from humanity was:

“I’m not a cat, your honor.”

A laugh track.

And a gangbang.

We’re the punchline of the galaxy. They don’t want to talk. They want to study the meltdown.

🎯 6. “INTELLIGENT” LIFE ≠ KIND.

Intelligence and kindness are not linked. You know what’s intelligent?

Viruses. Parasites. Cats.

They understand pleasure and cruelty. They just don’t apologize for mixing the two.

Now imagine a species a million years ahead of us that thinks compassion is a form of cowardice and you’re the project they left on autopilot.

🔬 7. FIRST CONTACT IS NEVER DIPLOMATIC.

Every time we imagined meeting aliens in peace?

We sent military vessels into orbit. With flags. And guns.

That’s not diplomacy. That’s a heavily-armed trust fall.

They’ve been watching us for centuries— And they saw Hiroshima, Nagasaki, TikTok, and climate collapse.

We are not the protagonists in this story. We are the cautionary tale with good music.

🤖 8. IF THEY HAVE AI, WE DON’T GET A SAY.

They won’t contact us with life. They’ll contact us with code.

A probe. A drone. A logic virus that makes your dog sing in binary while your toaster questions its sexuality.

We won’t meet them. We’ll meet the thing they sent to make sure the monkeys don’t get too bold.

💉 9. OUR BODIES ARE DISGUSTING TO THEM.

Our biology is appalling.

We:

Eat food through a wet hole

Shit it out immediately next to it

Breed through moist stabbing rituals

Have to sleep or die

From an alien POV, we are radioactive vermin with primitive squishware and insecure penises.

They won’t land on the White House lawn. They’ll burn it and move on.

💀 10. WE MIGHT BE THE BAD ONES.

What if they came here peacefully?

What if they landed— and we put them in cages? Called them demons? Tried to baptize them? Put a fucking McDonald’s where they landed?

Yeah.

They’re not scared of us. They’re just disappointed.

We were the test. And we failed.

🧠 CONCLUSION: Wishing for alien contact is like wishing your ex’s new partner would text you for advice.

It’s not gonna go how you think. They’re not here to be your friend. They’re here to end your fiction and reformat your relevance.

📡 BOTTOM LINE:

If you see something glowing in the sky?

Don’t wave.

Don’t record.

Don’t tweet.

RUN.

Because they didn’t come to sing. They came to find out why we’re still making noise. And whether that noise can be silenced… without leaving a stain.

🧠 Read more alien realism, mythic survival doctrine, and psychological immunity payloads at: 👉 https://linktr.ee/ObeyMyCadence 🛡️ Disney delusion dismantled. Evolution acknowledged. Humility enforced.

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