I can honestly say that there are some things I've done that makes me realize how horrible of a person I am. I do this, I do that, I do whatever I want without a care in the world. I disrespect my parents, I hate my mom, and sometimes just my whole family. It all started with 'why can't you understand' and just ended with 'you just don't understand'. I'm supposed to be a christian, but there are so many things I've done that are wrong, but I still do it. It used to break my heart because I was straying so far away from my faith and God, and in the end I just hardened my heart from it. I just went with whatever and told myself, 'what the hell, I don't give a damn anymore'. It's like I'm waiting for something or someone to catch me in the act, or call me out and tell that no, you shouldn't be doing that cause that's wrong and that's not what God would want for us. My friends from church sometimes ask me for personal help, or advice and I just feel so hypocritical whenever I answer them because no, I don't follow what I preach. I used to feel disgusted with myself, because last summer I thought that I was saved and I finally realized who God truly was, what he meant to me. But I ended up taking one step forward and two steps back. I had so many chances to repair my relationship with God, but I blew it all.
Whenever I hear my friend talk about God, and how she wants to go back to our christian retreat because that was where she was saved. I'm jealous with her relationship with God, and how sure she is of his love. She can stand tall because she knows that God is with her. I just wish that I can have that same kind of relationship. I threw away my faith for worldly things and that was something I shouldn't have done.She makes me want to be a better person, for God, for myself, for my family, and my friends. And I want to try and be a better christian, to actually be able to call myself a christian and not feel like a hypocrite. I want to just find true genuine happiness in God, from serving and loving him, and being loved in return. I know that I'll stumble, still, that I'm still going to make mistakes. But I'm just going to try my best, step by step.