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Anyone care to get dressed up fancy and dance? • • • • #waltz #dancinginspace #spacewalk #spacewaltz #photoshop #illust #collage_guild #illustration #collage #digitalcollage #prattinstitute #pratt #prattmwp #artschool #artstudent #art_collective #art_emotion #art_collage # (at Black Hole - The Mystery of Universe)
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Sixflags today! <3
For some reason, I feel like screaming. I want to just go in the middle of time square and scream or go on top of a rooftop and scream my lungs out. Why can't my life be like in movies? where for some reason even teenagers have access to rooftops (or have a magical key that opens all doors). I want to do something, just anything because this feeling of complacency is killing me. Realizing this, kinda makes me dread this summer because two of my bestfriends are going out of the country. Being by myself, makes me think, and me thinking makes me remember, and there's stuff that I'd really rather put behind me.
I can honestly say that there are some things I've done that makes me realize how horrible of a person I am. I do this, I do that, I do whatever I want without a care in the world. I disrespect my parents, I hate my mom, and sometimes just my whole family. It all started with 'why can't you understand' and just ended with 'you just don't understand'. I'm supposed to be a christian, but there are so many things I've done that are wrong, but I still do it. It used to break my heart because I was straying so far away from my faith and God, and in the end I just hardened my heart from it. I just went with whatever and told myself, 'what the hell, I don't give a damn anymore'. It's like I'm waiting for something or someone to catch me in the act, or call me out and tell that no, you shouldn't be doing that cause that's wrong and that's not what God would want for us. My friends from church sometimes ask me for personal help, or advice and I just feel so hypocritical whenever I answer them because no, I don't follow what I preach. I used to feel disgusted with myself, because last summer I thought that I was saved and I finally realized who God truly was, what he meant to me. But I ended up taking one step forward and two steps back. I had so many chances to repair my relationship with God, but I blew it all.
Whenever I hear my friend talk about God, and how she wants to go back to our christian retreat because that was where she was saved. I'm jealous with her relationship with God, and how sure she is of his love. She can stand tall because she knows that God is with her. I just wish that I can have that same kind of relationship. I threw away my faith for worldly things and that was something I shouldn't have done.She makes me want to be a better person, for God, for myself, for my family, and my friends. And I want to try and be a better christian, to actually be able to call myself a christian and not feel like a hypocrite. I want to just find true genuine happiness in God, from serving and loving him, and being loved in return. I know that I'll stumble, still, that I'm still going to make mistakes. But I'm just going to try my best, step by step.
Im taking the sats in like 2 hours, Im so scared. I hope I don't do badly.
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I am currently downloading the hetaoni english version. I am.. asdffgdslgsa;gs gushing over it <333 hehe. Every hetalia fan should know about hetaoni cause you know, HETAONI, which includes some BAMF!ness for some characters and a totally awesome hetaoni douga song. It is awesome and ugh I'm drooling just thinking about playing it, but I can't play it yet cause life sucks, school sucks, they're out to get my soul. They're whipping my butt so I can't do anything fun. But yeah, if you're my friend and you don't know what hetaoni is, I will come hunt you down and force you to watch all 17 parts on youtube..AT NIGHT. I'll make you get nightmares about steve :D
...I want some takoyaki
I should be studying for the SATs, but I am in a writing kind of mood. Not like 'leme go write some fanfiction which I will never finish', but in a 'lets rip my heart out and talk about personal stuff' lol....haha I'm so corny. Guys, friends who I know in real life skip over this. yeah.
Sometimes I feel like I have nothing to put in this tumblr anymore. Before, I did, I was sad, just frighteningly sad. I wanted to freaking stab myself (metaphorically of course) because it hurt too much and still the world went on as if nothing was happening. One of the most painful things a person can go through is having to smile when all you want to do is curl up in your bed and cry yourself to sleep. It's like realizing that when you say that you're tired, you don't just mean it physically, but in every sense of the word and in every kind of way that hurts. It just hurts.
But I'm not sad anymore, not really. I can smile and not think to the back of my head how disgusting it is to have to fake being happy. I'm the happiest when I'm with my friends. And the only fear, I get now really is fear for the future. What I will be, who I will be. But then again who doesn't fear the what the future brings.
I really need to post more happy stuff on my tumblr, more stuff that I write that isn't depressing. Like for example I bought a jacket at a flea market for a dollar, I had a moment when I first saw it from the rack (meaning I practically hyperventilated and told my mom I gotta have it cause you know STARS AND STRIPES FTW). It's basically the american flag in jacket form. The jacket is sickeningly patriotic...I LOVE IT. Totally wearing it to July 4, and to comic con to show my love for America aka Alfred F. Jones. *cough hetalia FTW
now I'm off to watch hikaru no go- after rereading my favorite fanfictions I've rediscovered my love for my 7th grade anime obsession.
I think one of my friends might like me, which would be kinda weird to be honest. He's one of my good friends and hopefully I'm just over-reacting to normal friends acting friends kinda stuff. I'm a bit oblivious when it comes to these things and sometimes I don't realize that there' something going on until it hits me right in the face like a flying pan or something. I'm probably over thinking though.
Also, this one guy in my art class. I guess I considered him a friend before, but after er- a bunch of stuff I just see him as a pervert now. Like if you hug someone, you let go when they ask you to let go and you definitely don't touch their butt even though you're just being playful. There's been times when he's lifted me up and told me to let go of his neck even though I told him to let go of me and that if I do that my shirt would go up. Just- no, if you're going to be my friend then you have to learn to respect me when I ask you nicely to put me down. I don't understand why some people need to be cursed at to finally understand that you're not playing around anymore.
You'd think he'd understand by now that no, I'm not gonna hug you anymore because I stay away from you then I give you a second chance thinking you understood that I'm fine being friends- just don't touch me inappropriately. Don't be pissy at me either because I probably was not the first person to call you a pervert.
