#dance for canswer

In 2006, I was told 3 terrifying words that no one should ever have to hear: "You have cancer."  8 years later, I am thankful to be alive, but still haunted by those words. Recently, I was told 4 words that are even more frightening than before: "You have cancer... again."

My doctor’s assistant called me on Christmas Eve just after 5pm. I was on my way home from the local market picking up last minute Christmas party groceries. I took shelter from the icy Astoria breeze in a pay phone booth on Steinway Street as she spoke more in depth about the results. I begin to hear everything she said in chunks because I was in shock. Cancer.... Thryoid.... Treatment. I thought to myself, “Is this really happening right now?” Thyroidectomy... Radioactive... Cancer.... The chances were so small of my lump being a follicular carcinoma. My doctor even allowed me to head back to New York because he was so confident that it was “nothing.” That this lumpy “thyroid nodule” was only a little bump in the road, and that I could be back to my life in New York in no time.

But we were all wrong. Life is just not that easy. And, I guess, I am just not that normal…?

It is so easy to get caught up in the “what ifs” and the worries of it all….  What if it had spread to other parts of my body? What if there are complications with my next surgery? What if my body reacts all crazy when the rest of my thyroid is removed? My scar is gonna freak people out… How is this treatment going to affect my long-term health? This cancer most likely occurred due to the high dose of radiation I received to my chest to treat my first cancer. I will most likely get breast cancer by the time I am 30… or maybe lung cancer by the time I am 40 because there is so much second hand smoke in New York…. 

The voice inside my head overwhelms me like a spinning wheel that can never stop...

But I am learning to let ALL of that go. All of it. For it does not serve me now. and it never will. What serves me is being powerful in facing my biggest fears.

This world can be a cold, unfair, insane, and unpredictably sucky place. However, I’ve grown to be accepting of it, and I find peace and beauty in its crazy moments. Like now! There is so much junk going on that is completely out of our control, but we must fight to live the life we want to live. I cannot control the fact that I have cancer again. It is a super crappy and inconvenient situation because it is my dream to be dancing in New York City, and this silly cancer is kinda putting that on hold for a while. I could get angry at the world. I could be scared about death. I could be pessimistic about my health. But those emotions do not serve me, nor do they help me propel me forward to the high places that I dream about. The only thing I can control in my life right now is how I choose to be. and so...

I choose to be strong. I choose to be brave. I choose to be inspiring. I choose to be positive. I choose to be bigger than my fears. 

When I started calling myself a cancer survivor, the 1 thing I feared most in life was relapse or a reoccurrence of cancer in my body. For every CT Scan, blood test, MRI, or X-ray, I literally crossed my fingers, toes, and eyes for good luck. No joke.

Presently, my biggest fear in life has become my reality. But surprisingly, I am okay. In fact, I feel great! I feel physically and mentally stronger, as if I have discovered a new source of inner power that I did not even know I had. A power that can empower and inspire others to do what they love to make a difference in the world. So while I may be “sick” in the eyes of my doctors, I feel more powerful than ever before. It is such a strange concept... 

So, yes- life is sometimes crappy. and yes- we can never get what we want. and yes- everything can spin out of our control. But the beautiful part is that you can control you. Choose to be something. Anything.

Fill in this blank.  Today, I choose to be _________.

Today, I am choosing to go bigger- to face my biggest fears with power and a positive mind.

We'll see how this little journey of mine goes... 

DANCE FOR CANSWER is coming to New York! Register here.

Carlo Darang invites you to Dance for Canswer

On Saturday, February 9th, the Dance for Canswer Workshop Series was graced by the presence of internationally-known choreographer, Gigi Torres, at the Danzhaus in San Francisco, CA. The most inspirational D4C workshop yet, Gigi Torres brought a whole new perspective to the way we look at dance and what it truly means to live a purposeful life.

As tradition, everyone their Notes for Canswer, post-its on the mirror with messages of who and what they were dancing for to keep in mind throughout the workshop. Our mission moment was delivered by Brianna Mercado, a cancer survivor of five years; looking around the room to see all who came out for such a great cause gave her chills. Gigi taught a brand new piece to Goapele's "Breakthrough" and facilitated a learning experience unlike any other workshop anyone had ever taken. Not only did we reflect on the motivations and core reasons of why we dance, Gigi challenged us to think critically about how we could use what we love to go bigger-- to be a leader in driving positive change and to do everything we do with purpose.

For the second part of the workshop, Gigi (with the assistance of Seth Swartz) blocked the class into groups for her self-directed concept video. As one whole, we were able to take what we had just learned and create a visual message of support for all those who have been affected by cancer and who are still fighting that battle today.

This was definitely a day to remember for everyone. The atmosphere of the room was full of positivity and there was an evident sense of community. Gigi not only inspired us through her movement but inspired us through her wise words, lessons learned, and creative challenges. She showed us what it meant to speak through our passion for dance and to use dance as a powerful outlet-- as our voice in standing up for what we believe in.

We thank you, Gigi Torres, for taking the mission of Dance for Canswer and bringing a whole new light to what it means to "go bigger." 100% of proceeds from the workshop were matched by Big or Bigger and donated to Stand Up to Cancer. Check out the recap video filmed and edited by the talented John Asilo and stay tuned for more D4C opportunities where you can dance with a purpose:

DANCE FOR CANSWER- STACKS CLASS |Brianna Mercado

THANK YOU to Main Stacks for hosting another successful Dance for Canswer workshop! Many of us from Big or Bigger staff started out together in Main Stacks. It's great to see our relationship last throughout these years. And because you can never say it too many times... HAPPY CANCERPALOOZA, BRI!

You inspire us :)

Master Class with Emerson Aquino

Emerson Aquino- Hip Hop

Saturday , January 28th  @ Starting Arts Studio  (3340 Montgomery Dr, Santa Clara, CA 95054)

Beginning Class- 10:00-11:30am Inter./Advanced Class- 12:00-1:30pm

Co-Founder and Executive Artistic Director of Funkanometry SF Dance Company. Emerson has trained and danced with groups such as 220, Anarchy, and Culture Shock Oakland.