#danate

At first glance after having kissed Dan, he had thought he was going to resent Milo. Surely now that Dan had a child, Nate's timing was off and Dan would give him a sad "sorry, but..." He starts to until the second Milo cries for a bottle but Dan can't quite make it one handedly in the wake of Georgina's very recent departure and so Nate is handed the baby once again.

He fumbles for the words to tell Dan to wait, he'll make the bottle, he's bad with kids-- but then Milo stops crying the second Nate turns him around and offers a panicked smile.

Dan backs out of the kitchen immediately. "Do that again."

"What, smile?" Nate asked incredulously.

"Whatever you just did," Dan repeats so desperately it's almost comical.

So he does it again, and when Milo gives the sweetest laugh only a baby can give, Nate's heart melts.

Finally , he thinks to himself before he can review the implications later that night before falling asleep. Finally something meaningful I'm good at . Dan is ecstatic that the cure to Milo's colic seems to be Nate comforting his son (if not only for sleep) and Milo is the child who depends on Nate's smile in such an innocent way. How had his mother and family expected him to use a fake smile for cameras and politics when the only one who truly cared about the way his lips curled could be cradled in two arms?

The first time he picks Milo up correctly on instinct he feels like he's five again, showing off to his mother that he can ride without training wheels. "Dan. Dan! Look!"

Said brunette gave him a quizzical look at first, in the middle of folding laundry, but then laughs freely upon realizing. "Finally."

Milo coos at the sound laughter like always, and Nate's smile grows even further.

….

When Dan & Blair first accidentally meet at some film showing at the forum that Nate was more than happy to babysit Milo for than attend, Nate hears all night about how Blair's opinions on the entire movie are either spot on or completely ridiculous. The volley back and forth as Dan describes them to him in turn, "I don't get how she can agree with that when…", "Can you believe she…" makes him raise an eyebrow, but he lets the passionate rant subside and instead orders dinner. Something light for the summer. More movies are seen, sometimes with Nate attending as well when Rufus can babysit. Blair insists on sitting in the very middle of the seating so she can be dead straight to the screen, and then steals Nate or Dan’s popcorn even when they try to get her one of her own. Summer turns out better than expected like this.

Then Dan complains about Blair almost every night the first week of interning at W Magazine, and Nate has to remind him repeatedly that they're friends now. Dan needs the opportunity to intern so he'll have a passing job soon to afford Milo, though, so the pleas go unheard. When Nate bothers to drop in on Blair and ask her to create some peace treaty, it’s useless. Dan pulls a Blair and Blair pulls a Dan, but in the end it’s clear that their budding friendship is heading into better territory than it ever had been.

It's a long year of Dan & Nate trying desperately to avoid the schemes of their friends, taking in turns who had to babysit Milo. By the end of spring, Blair is engaged to a prince and Nate almost feels relieved. He'd never say so to Dan.

The engagement doesn't last anyway. Blair is pregnant and scared, and by the end of the month when Blair finds out that the baby is Chuck’s, she moves into the Brooklyn loft and away from the Upper East Side at Dan’s request. Nate can’t get the image of a broken window and Blair fleeing after the attack at the penthouse out of his mind.

….

“Are we sure murder isn’t on the table?” Dan asks angrily, staring down at the computer Jenny is working on beside Blair. The two women’s apologies and forgiveness had been strained and their being in the same room without killing each other was tenuous, but in the end they were both victims of Chuck and that bonded them more than split them up when all was brought to light.

That, and Dan refused to let Blair continue to hide in the Brooklyn loft without a full confrontation about Jenny.

“Dan.” Nate chastises, head pointing to Blair. With a small sigh, he apologizes, but he doesn’t look any less moody. There had never been good blood between Dan and Chuck, for good reason, but now that he had found out that Chuck had yet again assaulted someone, and  Blair at that, he was vengeful. Luckily, Dan wasn’t the kind to hire a hitman.

He was the type to request help with a takedown from Jenny, though, the second Chuck tried to go after Blair legally over a child that’s not even born.

Milo seems to be the one who wins over Jenny for the takedown, because when the blonde looks over at Blair and her swollen stomach and sorrowful face, she cracks. “I can file charges against him, but we have to do this together, Blair. I’m serious.”

“I am too.” Blair says, tears in her eyes as she holds her belly tight. “I have to be.”

Jenny nods. They speak to the lawyers and detectives in secret. Even Serena adds to the charges, an unknown attempt until the chefs at the hotel back her up as witnesses. Nate has to hold Dan back, remind him that he could lose Milo to Georgina if he does something stupid, but Nate has to admit he wants to punch Chuck bloody himself after reading the full testimonies from the women he was closest to.

He had known Chuck was a mess. He hadn’t realized how many messes he had made, and for that Nate hated himself. Surely he could have stopped some of these. He should have held his once best friend accountable so much earlier, could have thrown away some childhood crush. Nate is complicit in ways he thinks Dan should hate him for. Dan only shakes his head and mentions that he was the one who told Jenny not to press charges against the kid of a millionaire who would get off in seconds when they were all so young. Nate pretends he isn’t crying later that night and Dan does the same.

When Chuck is put into prison, Nate isn’t naive enough to breathe in relief, but he gets close.

….

"It's poetic." Blair is smiling softly at him in a way she hasn't since they were young and she thought he could save her from their parents. "You being so good with him."

Nate raises an eyebrow as he rockets Milo, but he thinks he knows what she means, and after all these years of knowing her, he's right.

"After everything your father put you through… you just shine at being one despite him." Blair offered. "Humphrey had love and a mother who couldn't hire nannies, he was born for this. But you…" She trails off after waving a hand at all of him and the way Milo is sleeping so softly on his chest.

"Thanks, Blair." He tells her, hoping his voice sounds even.

Dan has said as much to him, as had Rufus, Jenny who was back in the city to be a happy aunt, and Lily. The compliments from those three were lovely and meant the world, but they didn't carry the same weight that Blair's did.

Blair, who had been there in the lows of his father's then secret drug addiction and seen the way "The Captain" yelled at Nate in emotional tirades. She'd seen the aftermath of physical confrontations, however subtle. A bruised wrist from being dragged out of a room or a bruised arm from being hit when found smoking weed. Blair, who had all the love of an Upper East Side father and the crashing realization when that wasn't enough.

Biting his lip, because if he lets the worried sigh drag out of him he might wake up Milo, he says, "I still have 18 years and more to mess up with a kid of my own."

"You won't," she says, without the kind tone that Dan had used when saying the same thing. This was bossy, hard, certain. "You'll refuse to as much as I'll refuse to let you. We promised that, remember?"

And they had, once, on the tail end of fourteen when Serena's father had left again, Blair had been throwing up food for what would then be the first time, and Nate tired from having stayed up all night comforting his mother Anne. We'll never be them. We'll warn each other the second we have to.

But who had thought they would need a warning before their thirties had even begun?

"Yeah. I remember."

She gives him another quick smile, one to hide what was now pain and worry coming up as she stared down at her unborn child.

"You won't be your mother either, Blair," he tells her. Trying to get her to smile, he added, "Eleanor would never do something like step in Brooklyn."

"I don't know," she says, her lips curling mischievously for a second. "I'm also not living with straight men."

He laughs and so does she, and they keep the worry about Chuck wrapped away.

…

"Will you stop leaving the shower like that?" Dan snaps at Blair one of the mornings that Nate has slept over (more and more living here like a step-parent, but that was a different conversation). "How many times do we have to tell you we aren't gay and it is inappropriate."

"I thought you said you wanted me to be comfortable here, Humphrey." Blair replies with an all too silky tone. Nate rolls his eyes at them from the comfortable pillow for not the first time and gets out of bed to stop the impending fight that will likely wake Milo up, right as Blair adds, "If it makes you uncomfortable maybe that's a problem for you and Nate, not me."

"Blair, I swear to God--,"

"Dan. Chill." Nate interrupts. They both turn to see him in the doorway, Dan looking chastised and a rather naked Blair failing at looking guilty. "And Blair, come on. You know what you're doing. Either stop or be honest."

The fake sheepish expression on her face gives way to pursed lips and a dainty glare. "I don't know what you're talking about. Regardless, I'm late to classes. See you both later." And she leaves the living room to get dressed with Dan glaring fiercely at her back and Nate wanting to throw a pillow at him.

Mumbling something about checking on Milo, Dan leaves the room also and Nate wonders how on earth he can force the two to sit down and talk without one of them bolting. How on earth did Serena put up with them?

….

He manages to pin Blair down first, which quite possibly was a miracle with how desperately she had been avoiding him. They’re both at a party Dan hadn’t wanted to attend and he catches her in a side room where she had run away from Serena. Nate wasn’t quite sure what their drama was, but he didn’t care to ask.

“Blair, we need to talk.”

“Now?” she asks, pouting. She’s sitting on a chair and rubbing her ankles, looking very much pregnant. “Can’t it wait when I’m at home and out of these heels? My feet are absolutely disgusting right now.”

“Now,” he reaffirms. “Admit you’re attracted to Dan and not just trying to find someone safe like I’m sure you’ve convinced yourself is all you’re doing.”

Her entire demeanor changes immediately. “Excuse me?”

“You heard what I said.” Nate says. “Dropping towels, leaving out lingerie, your usual scheming.”

“Dan loves you,” she says softly in return, shaking her head. “I’m just a pregnant single mother in my twenties who wants to feel sexy.”

…

One night, in the chaos of their soap-opera worthy lives, Nate comes home to the loft-- which is such a weird thing to think of as his home-- and sees Dan and Blair perfectly cuddling against each other on the couch asleep. There’s something innocent about it, tissue box near as if Blair had been crying, but both of them had little time to rest between Milo and Blair’s complaints that sleeping with a pregnant belly was impossible at third trimester. Nate doesn’t want to think on the feelings rising up in him at this sight-- there’s too much to even find a place to start-- so he thinks of how they’d react to seeing themselves so vulnerable with each other. Likely Nate will have a wholesome picture that he can pretend is only blackmail and not, in fact, a picture of his entire world with only one baby missing.

Snapping the picture with flash on wakes the two up, but is completely worth it as they groggily catch sight of him and jump apart from each other.

“ Nathaniel Fitzwilliam Archibald ,” Blair angrily snaps, “Delete that now .”

Dan starts laughing and Blair turns on him. “You want that leaked to Gossip Girl?”

“Nate has never sent in a thing.” Dan replies, chuckling in between his response. “I’m just amused you went full on Waldorf mother mode.”

Blair’s glare is fantastic as she gasps, causing Nate to laugh even harder.

“I did not .”

“I’m sorry, did you or did you not just use his full name?” Dan laughs, an eyebrow raised. His challenge seems to make her furious, so very temperamental lately.

“It was an instinct brought on by the delirium of waking up next to you,” she argues huffily, and Dan rolls his eyes in a way that makes Nate crack.

“God, just kiss.”

All three of them still. Nothing can be heard except for the classical music coming from the nursery in the other room. Nate tries to berate himself when he sees Dan’s face fall into guilt and hurt. Nate tries to make up for it. “I didn’t mean it like that, I love you--,” worst time to admit it “--but you clearly love Blair too.”

“I--,” Dan falters, caught blank at the attention. “Nate, that’s not what’s going on. I love you--,”

“I know.” Nate replies, all too aware of how Blair looks ready to run.

Dan is still fumbling, turning to Blair with a lost expression that turns firm as he says, “Look, you deserve someone whose sole attention is you, Blair. I don’t fit that. I don’t want you to feel like you’re in some position that your mother--,”

“Humphrey, shut up,” Blair demands. “I get to decide what I deserve and want, no one else. You should have learned that by now. You too, Nate.”

Which he should have, of course, because now Blair is sitting up straight and in command of the entire room like she’s the royalty she almost became. Nate nods and wonders what the hell Blair was going to say now.

“I’ll admit that I have been incredibly blessed to have both of you in my life, but I am not going to come between--,”

“You won’t,” Nate announces. “If you want this, all of this, you won’t be in between anything.”

Staring straight at him, there’s a searching expression in Dan’s narrowed brown eyes and furrowed brow. Nate knows he can spot appreciation and relief, but he also knows that the writer will definitely overthink this for the next month or so. Still, when Blair hesitantly looks to Dan, the brunette nods.

Nate is glad the classical music covers the sounds the happy three of them make that night.

Nate had expected things to be both more simple and fast than they were. While he was good enough at foreplay with women, he’d been told it was required by Victor in instances like this. Not that he’s complaining, but it does happen to relate to the fact that he feels more comfortable staying in the bed for a moment in the afterglow of the climax

“I’m not gay, you know.” Nate says slowly, staring at the ceiling. “Not that there’s anything wrong with-- I just mean I really enjoy sex with women and--,”

“Do you think your friend is gay?” Victor asks, an odd expression on his face.

“Chuck?” Nate laughs. “God, no. He’s just-- I mean he’s just Chuck. Pleasure-seeking doesn’t exactly have limits with him.”

Looking for an answer he can’t seem to find, Victor shrugs. “Maybe you’re just seeking pleasure too.”

Confusion is key to Serena Vanderwoodsen breakups, so who was he to say Victor is wrong? Hadn’t he already upped his body count by well more than a dozen in said name of pleasure seeking? According to Serena’s brother Eric, gaydar was a thing and both he and Victor would know well more than Nate about this.

 Lamely, he tries to agree. “Yeah. Yeah, that’s it. Just trying things out.”

Victor gives him a discerning look that makes Nate jump out of bed in a way he pretended was nonchalant. Nate gives the same easy laugh and pretty smile he gave to all the people who try to claim he’s deeper than a pretty face and left the building feeling more brooding than he had before entering. A little bitterly, he had notes he hadn’t even made it through the alphabet in Chuck’s book and was already a different person like Chuck had unknowingly promised. 

-----------

Juliet Sharp comes as a happy surprise to Nate, an interruption to the increasing craziness he had gotten himself into by worrying too much about his own sexuality. Hard to get like Blair, a coy smile like Serena, and an interesting twist of not being a part of the Gossip Girl elite like usual. When in doubt, let a bossy woman figure it out.

The problem, it turns out, is that she wants to take Dan out from the running for Serena’s heart and while Nate had to admit it would serve Dan a little right after the kiss he doesn’t want to do it. Not really. Still, he lets himself listen to her as easy as if he was listening to Blair back at St. Jude’s. Things are simpler that way, aren’t they? If loving someone as free and accepting as Serena had gotten him cheated on with someone like Dan who knew his own purpose in life so easily, fuck it. Maybe meddling would help.

Seeing Dan is much different than talking on the phone, though. Especially with the singing the Brooklyn guy must take after his mother for. While Dan is no lyricist when it comes to lullabies it seems, he is quite possibly the most adorable thing Nate had seen in awhile and he laughs in a free and familiar way that surprised him after a summer of escaping all family and friends.

Offered Milo, Nate panics. Is he supposed to know what to do with an actual baby? Is he holding him correctly? Sure, he had been around infant cousins before, but those were ones taken care of by nannies just like he was. How was Dan doing this, Georgina? Did that crazy woman even have a maternal bone in her body?

When Juliet takes Milo and Nate gets the chance to be alone with Dan for the first time since they shared a living space, it’s now there. That horribly familiar tug that made Nate nervous every time he felt it. Once upon a time he had felt it when trying desperately not to love Serena the almost entirety of being with Blair, and also now, faced with the one person who had been the ruin of him and Serena in the first place.

After living with Dan he knows things about the “lonely boy” one might miss. That he always wore plaid when he was especially stressed, as if it was a comfort blanket after years in Brooklyn. That if you unplugged his laptop from his charger for any reason he would immediately be angry that it might die and unsave his already thrice saved writing. That he especially hated the Italian place on the corner of his actual favorite spot because they had been racist to Vanessa. That he would normally have dark circles under his eyes after writing too long through the night on black coffee. 

Most of all, he notices that all those things are currently at odds, unplugged charger and all, and that Dan was drowning in the midst of Nate thinking that his newly activated sex life was demanding.

“Are you okay?” he asks, knowing the answer. “I mean--,”

“Oh, this?” Dan laughs sarcastically now that Juliet is out of sight. “Absolutely not. But you know, what other choice do I have?”

“Tell your dad and Lily like I said.” Nate repeats, trying to give the good advice no one ever took him seriously for. Then, with a charming smile: “Afford a babysitter, or even a maid,  every now and then.”

“Thanks,” is the flat response, but Dan’s lips had fought a smile for a second.

Nate smiles further, pulling the same response out of Dan slowly but surely. “Come on, man. You should know after years of Gossip Girl secrets always add badly. Especially the ones involving Georgina of all people.”

“Yeah, I know.” Dan nods, sounding so tired. “But right now I can live in my bubble where I just take care of Milo and have Georgina barking orders at me and no one else can tell me what a mess I’ve made.”

“Did that sound already as bad to you as it did to me out loud?” Nate asks.

Dan did laugh this time. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I mean Milo isn’t the mess, don’t get me wrong, it’s just I didn’t exactly envision this as my life. I was at least supposed to finish my second year of college.”

“I know.” Nate said, and he did. Because while Dan had the privilege of connections to so much wealth and ease of life, he’d never take them anymore than Nate would want to. They both had the same pride and respect for work each other did, Nate admits, it was just that Dan followed through while Nate tended to flounder. 

“Have you spoken to Serena?”

Looking surprised at the mention of the name, Dan shakes his head. “We haven’t talked all summer, she’s doing her Paris thing and I didn’t want her to hear Milo in the background. Why? Did she talk to you?”

“No,” Nate says. He’d hoped the one thing that had always kept them at odds would still be available to push him further yet again. “No, she didn’t. I just wondered. Gossip Girl said she was coming back to go to Columbia.”

“Oh wow.” Dan considers, looking less hurt than the guy who had kissed said girl should have. “That’s-- I don’t know, that’s weird. Shouldn’t she have said something to either of us?”

Nate shrugs. “I don’t know, it’s Serena.”

With an agreeing nod, Dan answers Juliet’s call for yet another diaper change-- how often did babies really need to be changed?-- and the all too pretty girl came in to see him spy on Dan’s phone and spot the text from Serena. 

For Serena and I, he tells himself as he lets Juliet begin a Blair-worthy scheme, but reality has never let him lie to himself for long.

The moment he sees Vanessa cuddle up to Dan like they’re married and Milo is their perfect newborn baby, he can’t help but stop pretending. As observant as Juliet is, she doesn’t know Nate, not really. All she can see is an archetype that she wants to believe in after knowing him for less than even a week. It’s all too easy to let her and pretend that his brooding glare at them is nothing more than anger at Dan for Serena, at least until Juliet’s lie involves Vanessa being shoved at Dan. Telling Juliet to stop, that he isn’t willing that will break hearts isn’t a lie.

… But maybe it was easier to pretend he was having a noble change of heart than to admit how completely jealous he didn't want to be. 

So when Juliet says that Vanessa and Dan had been a great couple, Nate forces himself to admit that of all the former couples on the Upper East Side-- or ones by extension-- Dan and Vanessa had always made the most sense. Grounded Brooklyn loner thing aside, she still had more in common with him than Nate could ever hope to, so if Juliet thought Dan could be happier with her then who was he to stop them?

--------------

When Dan texts him I know what you told Vanessa, he leaves Juliet waiting without a thought. On the limo ride over, all he can think is how to explain things, what to say, anything to try and figure out how he absolutely could tell Dan that he was sorry without explaining the true reason he did things. Serena, he reminded himself. Just use Serena.

“Let me explain,” he opens with to Dan the second he enters the apartment and can see Dan’s characteristically judging glare, trying, “You two spent the whole day alone together and seemed like you were connecting--,”

“We weren’t alone, we were with you and Juliet.” Dan argues in a whisper.

“Why are we whispering?”

“Milo is sleeping for once. Why did you lie about me?”

Nate tries not to let his stomach drop as he directly asks. “Was it a lie?”

Surely he didn’t have to go through this again, right? Nate has tried desperately to sleep through Manhattan and still have good karma-- his expenses on every one night stand’s breakfast proved so in his opinion-- but here he is, dreading the one word that Dan says next.

“Is this about Serena?” Dan asks, looking confused. “It is, isn’t it.”

“I wouldn’t have even said anything if you hadn’t lied about getting that text from her!” Nate sidesteps.

Dan blinks at him, brow furrowed. “What text?”

“I-- When was the last time you checked your phone?”

God, everyone is right. I am an idiot. Nate thinks harshly at himself. Of course Dan hadn’t done literally anything normal when he was so wrapped up in Milo, takeout, and the disturbing Georgina.

With a glare, Dan snaps, “Obviously not as recently as you have.”

“I’m sorry, Dan. I saw the text and I--,”

Rolling his eyes and putting his phone back in his pocket, Dan sighs. “You’re sorry. I know.”

“Honestly, I don’t even know how I feel about Serena, I just--,” Nate fumbles, still feeling ashamed and embarrassed.

“You don’t have to say it.”

The forgiveness is so ready and kind that Nate has to admit he’s a little taken aback. He isn’t sure when he and Dan had reached that point, the kind where the tension of competition could ease back into friendship. Once Nate had thought he had that with Chuck before he’d really taken a look at who his friend had become. Even then, though, the tension had never been quite the same. “I think I do. You’ve been there for me through all of last year, and--,”

“And I kissed Serena when you two were dating. I honestly probably deserved something.” Dan offers. “Look, if anyone understands the craziness involved with having feelings for her it’s me.”

“That’s not what it was about.” Nate huffs before catching himself, unable to take back the words now they’re in the air. He’d been so frustrated with the situation, with his life, with who he was both becoming yet wanted to be that he had slipped. “I mean--,”

“What was it then, Georgina?”

“No, of course not!”

“Then what, Nate?”

Dan’s brow is furrowed in the way he doesn’t realize is attractive, and in the midst of the quiet argument they had become closer in the necessity of hearing each other, but still not close enough to bridge the gap Nate is terrified of. Praying that Milo wakes up doesn’t work, and he’s worried that if he walks out now it will seem like even more of a big thing than he wants to pretend it isn’t. 

A charming smile won’t work this time. Even as he tries the casual shrug, he can see Dan begin to give a condescending glare to try and pull the truth out. Nate sighs and looks at the ceiling. “Can we just pretend I said nothing and I’ll owe you a favor?”

“Do I look like Blair Waldorf?” Dan scoffs. “Nate, whatever it is just tell me. Nothing’s going to be crazier than finding out Georgina and I made a child together.”

“Wanna bet?” Nate half-laughs.

The confusion dramatically turns to concern at that, and before the brunette could think he had another horrible secret hanging over him, Nate throws it all to hell and kisses him. It isn’t like he expects Dan to kiss back, it’s just the easiest way to explain something that felt impossible to-- well, explain.

Dan does pull back expectedly looking shocked, but he hasn’t completely pulled away from Nate’s orbit who’s a little intoxicated by that detail. “Nate... I’m pretty sure I’m not in Chuck’s book either.”

“Not quite.” Nate manages to get out, having to clear his throat a bit to even do so, nerves about to murder him. “Also, before you try and say it again, this isn’t about Serena.”

“I think I know you better than that.” Dan says softly, nodding. “And I know you well enough to know you’re too good at being a chameleon to your surroundings. I just didn’t know--,”

“This?” Nate offers. “Yeah, me either.”

Nodding, Dan pauses the conversation, eyes lowering with consideration. For a moment Nate thinks he might initiate another kiss but he doesn’t, instead asking quizzically, “Why me?”

“Because you’re the kind of man who would drop everything he wanted in life just to take care of a child you never expected.” Nate replies maybe too easily, gesturing around the messy apartment. “Because even the Upper East Side couldn’t change that when it really came down to it, you were a good person. You care about people and you prove it.”

“Nothing about my charming good looks?” Dan replies with a rather large smile and a casual shrug that Nate hadn’t quite realized he’d learned from him over the years.

Now Nate can’t help but laugh in return, only half hating the fact that he still hasn’t heard anything in response as long as they have this. “Come on, seriously--,”

“I guess we can try serious.” Dan says smoothly, and then they’re kissing again.