#dalal.mem

so it seems that it starts with the bad news first so here it goes

the reversed ten of cards meant that you sacrificed a lot for love but never for yourself

this i already knew to be true. i felt things very intensely, and both romantically and platonically i did things detrimental to my own mental and sometimes physical well-being to be sure that my friends knew i loved them. i never wanted them to feel abandoned or neglected as i did growing up, but at the same time i refused to acknowledge that my childhood was something that made me more fragile or volatile than most people, and thus refused to treat myself well because of it. having people make sacrifices for me or making them for myself only served to raise my anxiety.

this was most prominent when the trolls came to earth and john began taking an interest in being around karkat. it hurt me to no end, but i didn’t bring it up to anyone. i’d rather suffer and see him happy than to make things confusing or complicated or difficult for him.

but the reverse queen of swords shows that you escaped a toxic female figure that held a lot of influence over you

this was the first surprising thing in my reading. i don’t have memories of anything like this thus far, so i’m only left to wonder. is this referring to my mother? or perhaps the condesce, or one of the other trolls who came to earth with karkat. i know that at school and at home, i didn’t really interact with anyone but john, rose, jade, dirk, jane, jake and roxy. despite holding influence over me, it wasn’t negative and none of the four girls were toxic female figures to me. i’m going to think on this a lot and come up with some ideas-- hopefully i’ll get some memories out of it.

so i guess that's your timeline

reverse 6 of pentacles shows that you kept a lot to yourself

i don’t know whether this refers to a literal physical keeping things to myself, an emotional keeping things to myself, or keeping my own company-- however, all are true. i had a complex about sharing things and kept private about a lot of emotions and things happening in my life, even to john, rose and jade. i loved spending time with them, but more often than not i preferred my own company and communicated with them via pesterchum.

but the knight of swords was basically an indicator of your inner and outer strength and willingness to protect the things you believed in

reading this gave me another spark of remembrance about the rebellion, and how hard we all fought for earth’s freedom and each other. in my opinion, i grew a lot as a person during that time; i was still volatile emotionally, there’s no doubt about that, but i grew better at managing my mood swings and my tendency to snap at people. this made me a stronger person, and it gave me more confidence to stand up to hic with my friends for our freedom and the freedom of the earth.

and that was yr personality

the reverse chariot indicates that a lot of things havent changed all that much

this is true as well. i have always had the strongest connection to this dave timeline, and i believe it to be because we are so similar. i have a difficult time opening up about serious things, and being around people exhausts me. i cannot make sacrifices for myself without feeling guilty. i had a neglectful childhood. i have few friends, and a short fuse.

and the 2 of rods shows that there's a way you can change the bad parts of yr timeline in this one

this has to be the most intriguing part of my reading. in what way can i change things that have already happened? is this card meant to signify that i can (not will, but at least have the ability to) find my friends from this timeline and tell them the things i couldn’t before? can i make amends with john? with karkat? can i be more honest about my feelings and tell my friends the things i always wanted to?

or does this instead mean i can change mistakes i’m going to make in this timeline before they happen? again, i’m going to be thinking very hard about this until i come to an answer i’m satisfied with.