#daisyith

Alex turned over in his bed, moving so that his back faced the intruding sunlight so that it could no longer uninvitingly disturb him from his sleep. At the sudden movement, Alex was made aware of the thumping sensation at the sides of his head, the one that moved in time with his heartbeat and made him just want to curl into a ball at the side of the room. It was a familiar pain, one that he had experienced on a daily basis over the last few weeks but despite its regular appearance, the sheer pain it caused him was still unexpected. Accompanying the pounding was a disgusting taste in his mouth, one that left his tongue with a furry texture that stuck to the roof of the mouth. This again was a familiar sensation, one that he knew was the effect of alcohol the previous evening. He peeled his eyes open one by one, wincing at the bright light of the room that he was suddenly met with. He blinked quickly, letting his eyes slowly adjust before he peered at his bedside table, desperately trying to locate the clock through his sleep-hazed vision. With difficulty, Alex made the time out to be 14:30.

He inhaled deeply, trying to will away the headache that was on the verge of becoming a migraine when he was met with the overwhelming scent of bacon rising from the kitchen downstairs. It clung to his nostrils and made the headache turn to nausea. He staggered out of bed, clutching desperately to the wall as he used it as guide to travel down the hallway. He pushed through the bathroom door and fell to his knees before the toilet, just in time to empty his system of the remaining alcohol. Alex drew back from the toilet bowl, closing the lid before resting his sweaty forehead against it, relishing in the coolness of the ceramic. He felt appalling, worried that if he moved even an inch then he would need to open the toilet again. He closed his eyes, experiencing temporary relief as the headache was halted for just a moment.

He was unsure as to how long he had been in that position but a while later, he heard the padding of footsteps that belonged to one of two men. He felt the body kneel down beside his tired one and felt one hand rest gently against the small of his back, rubbing clockwise in a comforting motion. The hand felt small and delicate, one that he knew could only belong to Chris. This was confirmed when the body spoke,

“How’re you feeling Smith?” Chris asked, his voice full of concern.

Alex opened his mouth but found himself unable to speak, his voice hoarse and his throat hurting. Instead, he shook his head in the slightest of movement, not wanting to worsen the pain in his temples.

Chris sighed, looking at the redhead sympathetically. Although he was used to Smith being hungover after a typical night of drinking, it was never to this extent. Over the last three weeks, he had never drunk this much in one evening and so it was understandable that the effects would be worse. He had seen the empty bottles littering the floor, the half-empty whiskey bottle knocked to the floor. And he had been the one to clear up the mess. Chris thrust a clear glass towards Alex, one that he had brought in with him alongside two painkillers,

“Here, this’ll take away the pain.” He then stood up and left the room, leaving Alex to gratefully take the glass of water and tablets. He took a sip of water, swirling it around his mouth before spitting it back out into the toilet. It was slightly better, removing the foul taste of stale alcohol that had more recently combined with a more powerful taste of vomit. He took another sip, this time swallowing before repeating the action but placing one of the small tablets against his tongue. He knew it would take a while for the pain to be relieved but the water alone had made him feel slightly better. He placed the now empty glass on the floor beside him as Chris entered the room again, this time with a damp flannel in hand. Chris sat back down next to the redhead and placed a hand against his paled forehead, sweeping the mess of curls to one side,

“You’re boiling Alex.” Chris murmured, placing the flannel against Alex’s forehead, where his hand had been just moments ago. He watched as Alex’s eyes fluttered closed in relief. Chris knew this was more than a bit of drinking, this was serious problem and he decided he had to do something. But for now, he had to look after his best friend, “Do you think you could stand up?” Alex nodded. With one hand holding the flannel against Alex’s head, the other slid down to clutch against his waist, Chris helped the taller man to stand upright. Together, they stumbled back towards Alex’s bedroom and Chris couldn’t help the feeling of Deja Vu that washed over him, these events following a similar pattern as the ones of the previous night. It took longer than it should have done but with most of Alex’s weight resting on Chris,the smaller man was having difficulty moving along the hallway. Eventually, they made it into his room and Chris helped Alex to lay back on the bed where he covered him with the duvet again. He then moved to the window and closed the curtains, smiling slightly at the visible sign of relief that spread over Alex’s face.

Chris moved to sit on the bed next to Alex, the bed dipping under his weight, “Do you remember what happened last night?” He asked curiously, wondering whether Alex had remembered his confession of love in the early hours of the morning.

“No, did I do something?” He asked, speaking for the first time that morning and Chris could hear the pain and discomfort that Alex was experiencing. He reached over and swept the stray strands of hair that had fallen into his eyes, pushing them back to where they belonged. He looked so peaceful there, his eyes closed but Chris didn’t know whether Alex was truthful in his words last night. Did he actually mean what he said? There was only one to know, he had to tell Alex what had happened,

“A’right mate?” Smith slurred, a grin spreading on his face as he spotted the familiar face of his friend, Chris walking towards him, “How’s my little walrus?”

“How much have you had to drink Alex?” Chris asked, concern filling his voice as he adopted the position of the worrisome mother.

“Only a little…”

“Do you even remember?”

Alex’s eyes widened slightly as he began to recall how many times he’d topped up his glass that evening but somewhere along the line, he found his mind wandering to something completely irrelevant, something about how he thought Chris looked cute with that little worry line on his forehead.

“Well?” Chris demanded, bringing Alex back to reality, his previous thoughts slipping from his mind as he shrugged in answer to Chris’ question. The brunette sighed as he glanced at his watch, reading 4am. Alex was clearly drunk but it wasn’t an unusual sight, it was actually something that had become something of a normal occurrence. For the majority of the last three weeks or so, Chris had awoken in the middle of the night to the sounds of drunken laughter, loud television and the stumbling of the redhead as he finally brought himself to bed. But tonight when Chris had heard all but the last, he began to worry and felt he had to intervene.

“Mate you’ve really got to stop drinking, it’s not good for you to do it every single night.”

“Can’t stop me.”

“I can’t you’re right but I think you might have a problem.” Chris answered, his hand falling to point at the empty whiskey bottle beside Alex and the new one that had just been started. But looking at the stubborn face on the taller man, Chris decided to drop the subject, at least for now.

“We’ll talk about it in the morning. Let’s get you to bed Smith.” Chris said, extending his hands in front of him, offering them to Alex who took them, relying on the smaller man to take his weight and with his clumsy movements, he stumbled before standing up. Chris then took one of Alex’s hands, entwining his fingers with his friends as one hand moved to the small of Alex’s back as he guided his drunken friend up the stairs towards his bedroom. It was mostly successful, Alex was just capable of putting one foot in front of the other and together, they made it to Alex’s room. Chris pushed open the door before pushing Alex through. He staggered through the tight doorframe, almost bashing his arm against it before he made his way to his bed, collapsing face down on the soft material, burying his face in the pillow, content and not wanting to move. But Chris didn’t care, with skilled hands  he turned the man over and began to help undressing him, removing his shoes and his jeans, leaving him in only his hoodie and underwear. Chris then pulled the duvet from beneath the redhead before placing it over him, ensuring he was warm.

As this was being done, Alex noticed for the first time that Chris was only wearing a pair of crumpled pyjama trousers, his black rimmed glasses sitting upon his nose and his hair tousled from sleep and his earlier thoughts came flooding back to him, Chris looked cute. And once this thought had entered his mind, he couldn’t make it leave and he knew he had to do something about it. So with one hand, he reached out in search of the body of the other and eventually it came in contact with Chris’ arm which Alex gently pulled, bringing the brunette towards him until he stopped just above Alex with a confused expression on his face.

Alex murmured “Thank you” before leaning from his position to place his lips against Chris’. The brunette’s eyes widened in surprise, unsure of what to do, it was something that had been the subject of his fantasies for as long as he could remember and here he was, Alex’s lips pressed against his but it was nothing like he’d imagined. Alex was sloppy, his lips moving in clumsy movements, his breath smelling strongly of the consumed alcohol and the sudden remembrance that Alex was beyond drunk filled Chris’ mind. He froze, pushing Alex away from him as he asked,

“W-What are you doing?"

“Haven’t you seen the way I look at you Chrissy. I love you.” Alex stated matter-of-factly and Chris was suddenly thankful for the dark room as a warm, embarrassed blush crept over his cheeks. “I can’t stop staring. I can’t stop laughing at your jokes even when they don’t make sense. And I love it when I talk to you or sing to you.

“T-T-That’s not true.” Chris stuttered, knowing fully well that that didn’t sound convincing, not even to him.

“It is. I can’t stop thinking about you Chrissy.”

“Alex you’re drunk, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I know how I feel.”

——-

Alex wanted to forget the way Chris’ laugh sounded, the way it resonated around the room in an angelic tone. He wanted to remove the sound from his memory, stop it from playing over and over and over again. There was one memory in particular he wanted gone:

He wanted to forget when in the spur of the moment, he began humming the tune to his favourite song, hoping he would get one of Chris’ smiles in return. Although he was singing the song with a smirk on his face and a tease in his voice, Alex was meaning each word that passed through his lips. He was imaging how it would feel with Chris between his arms, how it really would feel like heaven. It was stupid, meant as just a joke but Alex couldn’t help the meaning behind the song, the feeling of warmth that spread over his chest.

“Baby, you’re all that I want

When you’re lyin’ here in my arms

I’m findin’ it hard to believe

We’re in heaven

And love is all that I need

And I found it there in your heart

It isn’t too hard to see

We’re in heaven”

As he came to the end of the chorus, he could see the way Chris’ lips turned up at the corners, a laugh escaping from his lips as he said,

“We’re gonna bang tonight.”

A red, warm feeling spread over Alex’s cheeks in embarrassment as he spluttered in surprise at Chris’ words. He wondered whether he had heard the brunette correctly before realising it wouldn’t matter, it was only a joke, a laugh for the fans. It would never be a reality. He forced  smile on his own face and let out a shaky laugh, “Name the time and place, Trotty2Hotty…”

Alex took a sip straight from the bottle, smiling as the memory was cast aside, even just for a moment.

————

Alex wanted to forget the way Chris hugged when he was happy. The way he would step forwards, having to stand on his tiptoes before he could sling his arms around Alex’s neck. The way Alex’s rough skin was a nice contrast to the smoothness of Chris’ when his hands instinctively splayed across the strip of bare skin on Chris’ hips where his t-shirt had ridden up.  The way Chris would bury his head slightly into Alex’s neck and collarbone, resting it there as his eyes fluttered shut. His eyes traced Chris’ features, internalising each freckle that splattered his cheek, each curve of his rounded face, each eyelash that fluttered gently against his cheekbone. But most of all Alex wanted to forget the scent of ginger and lemon that filled his nostrils as he couldn’t help but smell the top of the brunette’s hair, smelling the same scent that came from the shampoo bottle, the one that had been ingrained in his memory. Another swig of alcohol, his emotions dulled a little more.

__________

Alex wanted to forget Chris’ plump lips and the way they moved in a delicate fashion. He had spent many an hour dreaming about what they would feel like pressed against his own, moving in perfect unison. He had often dreamt about what they would feel like pressed elsewhere, nipping at his neck or gently against his ear, sometimes even surrounding an area much lower. He imagined what they would taste like, whether there would be a hint of coffee or chocolate if he was to run his tongue across them. He loved the way they moved when he spoke, often Alex would find himself zoning out in their conversations, not because he wasn’t interested in what Chris had to say but rather his eyes were drawn to Chris’ lips. For Alex, the best time was when they spoke one word “Alex.”. When Chris called him by his first name, Alex would always feel a flutter in his heart and excitement in his chest like a teenager in love.

Looking back at the photograph, Chris could see the way each of their mouths curved upwards into a genuine smile that reached up to their eyes. He could see the way they were both happy and as the memories of the moment before the camera was clicked filled his brain, he knew why. It was a photograph taken before everything went wrong, when it was still a time of enjoyment. It was the day their YouTube channel had reached 1 million subscribers, the three of them having gone out to celebrate in style with a few drinks down the local pub. It had been a brilliant evening, made only better when after finding the confidence to do so from the alcohol coursing through his blood, Alex had confessed how he really felt about Chris. That evening had left him with a warm, satisfied feeling running through him but now as he relived the memories, it left him feeling as though his heart had been torn from his chest. It had hurt when it had first happened, but now almost a week later, it had begun to become reality that they would never be together. And every time he thought about the redhead he loved, his eyes welled with tears.

Chris sought his boyfriend to query about the events planned for that evening where the whole of the company had planned to have a night out together to relieve some stress created from their job.

“Chris, stop talking. I’m not going with you.” Alex said almost as soon as Chris opened his mouth to talk.

Chris paused for a moment, his brow furrowing in confusion, “What do you mean? We’re going together aren’t we?”

“We were. But I can’t anymore, I can’t do this…”

Chris felt his heart skip a beat as shock and worry filled his body, “Y-You’re leaving me?!” He queried, unsure as to whether he wanted the answer or not.

“That’s right.” Alex nodded, “You, Me – We weren’t working, I’m sorry Chris.” He started to turn and paused briefly as though he had momentarily changed his mind. Chris saw his hand flicker and for an instant, he truly believed he was about to reach out and entwine their fingers together. But instead, he withdrew his hand, turned on the spot and headed out the door, leaving the brunette alone in their shared house.

Chris, unsure of what to do now, slumped against the wall he had been standing beside, “That’s it? That’s how you’re going to leave it? You’re just going to walk away?” He shouted but it was useless, the door had already closed behind the redhead without him even turning back. “You’re just going to walk away…” He whispered, hanging his head as he clutched it between his fingers.

He was told that it keeps getting easier, it’ll take time but eventually the pain becomes bearable enough that it almost just disappears. But so far, it was impossible to believe. Living in a house he previously brought with his boyfriend made every living moment difficult. Walking around the house, there were pictures of the two of them, in the kitchen there were his mugs, his cereal, his milk and in the bed, his side still had the faint smell of coffee always associated with the redhead. Awake or asleep, Chris couldn’t get the other man out of his head.

Over the last week, Chris kept repeating everything that had happened that evening seven days ago when Alex walked out. But each time, the one thing stopping him from understanding what happened was he had been offered no reasoning, no excuse as to why it happened. All he wanted to know was why had it ended like that? And so deciding he needed to know, he took his phone from his pocket, wincing slightly as he noticed the picture on the lock screen matched the one in the frame that his left hand clung tightly to as if letting go would mean admitting to the end of everything. He typed out a text message to Alex:

I’m lonely, I miss you. Can we talk?

His finger hovered over the send button for a few seconds as he wondered if it was the right thing to do. But he knew, he would never be able to move on without knowing the truth about what happened and why it did. He was left, abandoned without a reason. So with a deep breath to steady his hand, he pressed the button and awaited a reply.

A few seconds later, his phone beeped to alert the owner of a text message that read: Are you sure?

With a few texts back and forth between them, they had arranged to meet at a nearby café. Chris pulled himself from where he had been lying on the bed, placing the photograph he had been clutching in his hands back on the bedside table next to him. Next, he took of his pyjamas, instead throwing on the nearest pair of skinny jeans and an oversized t-shirt that he realised only once it was on his frame that it belonged to Alex. He lifted the neckline to his nose, inhaling slightly and smiling when he realised there was the coffee scent attached to it from the last time Alex had worn it. He moved to the bathroom, splashing cold water over his face as he brushed his messy hair into something slightly presentable. The past week had mostly involved wallowing in a bed of self-pity and tears, never once leaving the house to go into public places so this was the first time in a while he was going to be seeing Alex and wanted to try and disguise how he had been feeling. Deeming himself acceptable, he walked out the door and headed on the five minute walk to the café they had arranged to meet in.

Ordering himself a black coffee and a mug of steaming hot tea for Alex, Chris seated himself in the café, choosing a table at the back of the room that they had previously shared during their first date together.

When Alex walked in through the door, Chris could see the way his face mirrored the sleepless eyes, the unshaven beard and the paled skin that he adopted over the last few days. It had been a week since they’d separated but it appeared as though neither were getting much sleep. Feeling slightly awkward, Chris wasn’t sure if he should stand from his seat at the table, wave, go for a hug or to just stay seated and wait for Alex to notice him. He decided to go for the latter. The redhead’s eyes scanned the café, trying to pick out the one person he wanted from the slightly crowded room which as he got to the back of the room, his gaze fell on the brunette and a slight smile fell over his face. Seven days wasn’t exactly a long time but it was the longest time he’d been without Chris since they’d gotten together. But now, they were no longer together and those seven days would just continue to grow until it stretched over an eternity. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked over to the table Chris had chosen, standing slightly embarrassedly at one of the chairs, not knowing whether he should do something or just sit down. He pulled the chair from under the table and sat down before saying,

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

“How are you doing?”

“Not great.”

“Me neither.” The conversation felt stilted and forced, neither man quite sure of what to say in case they confessed to something they shouldn’t.

“Why did you do it? I just want to know why it ended like that. I want to know are we over for good?”

Alex took his face into one of his hands, rubbing his fingers against his tired eyes for a moment, leaving him with a pained expression as he extracted his hand. He placed his hands in his lap, clasping them together as he moved his thumbs against each other. He gaze fell to his hands, giving him a reason to not have to look at the other man as he explained,

“I thought there might be someone else. I thought it would hurt you less if I did that to you now rather than in a few months but I was wrong. I was stupid for hurting you like that, for hurting you at all. If I could turn back time, I’d do anything to go back to before I walked out… I can’t sleep without you next me, I can’t live in a house without you. I just want everything back to normal Trottie.” Alex moved his hand, carelessly wiping away the tears that had begun to spill from his eyes with the back of his burgundy coloured jumper. He wasn’t sure if he should have said that much, he didn’t want Chris to feel guilted into taking him back but there was no way he could bottle it up inside for any longer. He wanted to admit to making a mistake, the stupidest mistake he’d ever made in his life. As he glanced up slightly, he saw the sympathetic expression sitting on Chris’ face, the way he looked at the redhead with such pity made Alex realise how stupid he had actually been. Instead of getting angry and upset over having his boyfriend walk out on him, Chris was clearly more concerned about how the redhead was feeling rather than himself.

“There’s always room in my bed that you’re welcome to?”

Alex nodded, relief washing over him as he knew he hadn’t ruined everything for good. Both men stood from the table, taking a step forwards as they closed the small amount of room between the two of them as they embraced the other into a much needed hug. Chris stood on his tiptoes in order to become level with the taller man before slipping his hands around Alex’s neck while Alex’s hands rested naturally on the slender curve of the smaller man’s waist, his fingers gently tracing shapes against the exposed skin between Chris’ shirt and jeans. It felt like everything had gone back normal, almost as if nothing had happened. He nuzzled his face against Chris’ neck, relishing in the contact of skin against skin that he had missed in the past week before whispering,