#dadniall

When Niall arrived home that evening he was disappointed to find the house dark, except for the light at the end of the hall, their bedroom. 

 “Lovey,” he called, continuing his steps into their bedroom. He found her seated in their master bath, their rescue pup, Rosa Barks at her feet. She was staring into space, but met his eyes when he stepped into her space. 

 Niall, hi,” she forced a smile, as he took a seat next to her, scratching behind Rosa’s ears, “How was the meeting?” 

 “Just finalizing album artwork, sorry I had to go,” he nudged her shoulder with his, “Why’d you move in here?” When he left she had requested alone time in bed. He had checked on her a few different times, bringing snacks, water, and coffee, which was the only thing she didn’t refuse.  Never once had he found her doing anything but writing in the journal he’d bought her a year ago. It was a grey leather bound book with a silver heart in the corner. It currently holds more used than blank pages. They weren't the best at talking things through with each other at the moment, so he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about the words in there. He was hoping that one day she’d tell him all about it, maybe let him read some of it, but he wasn’t holding his breath. 

 “Change of scenery,” she stated with a shrug, refocusing her gaze in front of her. On the other side of her, he saw 2 items. One was her journal, the other a baby onesie. He felt a sense of panic inside of him. It became obvious that he had not succeeded in the hunt to clear the house of any mention of a baby. Their baby. 

 “What have you got there, lovey?” he asked, grabbing her hand. She did not return the embrace, and he quickly let it go feeling silly at the unreturned exchange. He felt another feeling rise inside of him, frustration. They had been doing so well. 

 “Do you ever think about the baby? “ she asked.   

 Her question made Niall wish he was anywhere but here at the moment. Not because he didn’t want to comfort her, but because he feared being honest with her at this moment. He thought of the baby frequently, but not in the same way that she did. Both of them were sad, but she harbored guilt over the fact that her body had betrayed her. It was something she carried alone, because she wouldn’t let him carry it with her. 

 At the time of her pregnancy test, she had been getting ready to start her own marketing company and had been vomiting at nearly the same time every morning. At first she thought it was nerves, until she had confided in her mom who teased her about being pregnant, which sparked an internal countdown to her last period, which she realized was late. 

 She had taken the test alone, and only waited hours to share the news with Niall. She had feared how he would react, but if he was freaked out, he wasn’t letting on. He had immediately gone out, and bought the unborn baby a set of golf clubs, and a guitar. She remembered teasing him that their child might not want to participate in the same hobbies, she remembered when he smiled back, “They won’t have a choice.” 

 An accidental pregnancy is a weird thing between two people, who love each other, especially as you realize how much you truly want it. She remembers the first 3 weeks after finding out she was pregnant, and all the plans they made for baby Horan, and her upcoming pregnancy. He was excited to learn of her cravings, and to be there anytime she needed him, after he finished his last leg of the tour. She loved that the two shared this super intimate thing between the two of them which resulted in a lot of sex, followed by a lot of time in bed. By week 8, the pair frequently caught the other in daydreams about what he or she would be like, look like, sound like. By week 9, he was leaving for a 13 show tour, with promises of Facetime, belly time, and lots of visits. By week 12, she was calling Niall from the hospital, sobbing about not being pregnant anymore. As quickly as they had dreamt it, it was gone. That was the hardest part for Niall, not being there when she needed him the most, which was why he was choosing to keep her close now. 

 At the end of week 13, she couldn’t talk about the baby without crying, but found solace in the fact that Niall couldn’t either. By week 17 , Niall had stopped bringing the entire thing up for fear of making her cry, which made him cry. She took this as a sign that he didn’t want to talk about it at all, so she began retreating to the bathroom where she cried alone. Niall took note of this, and would hover outside the door with their pup, Rosa any chance he got. By week 20, Niall  had thought his girl was back, but a birthday party in week 22 made her fall apart all over again at the sight of her baby brother’s baby. For week 25, Niall surprised her with a 3 week trip to Hawaii which she accepted, and he could have sworn that he saw the light return to her eyes when she smiled at him and said, “Some time away will be good for me.” During that vacation, he believed she was back, and he found himself hopeful that things were going to be ok, which is why he chose to travel to New York come week 29. Things were not ok though, and week 30 through 39 were spent with her going through the motions of life, crying alone in the bathroom, only this time around she was really good at hiding it. Week 40 brings us to the bathroom floor where Niall and she are sitting. The due date. 

 Remembering her question, he bumps her shoulder as a playful gesture, trying to engage her physically, “Of course I do, Lovey. You know that,” he smiles at her, and prays that tears don’t fall from her baby blues. 

 “We don’t talk about it.” She mentions in a very matter of fact tone, she does not engage him physically, she doesn't even look at him as she says, “I’ve cried in this bathroom almost every day for 40 weeks.” 

 He was confused, he knew she had cried quite a bit at first, but it had all stopped after Hawaii. Hadn’t it? She didn’t allow him time to question, instead stating, “I had a dream.” She was sprouting so many things off, he did not know which one to bite on to, but again she did not give him a chance to offer any feedback, she just continued, “The baby was there. A baby girl.” She took this chance to look at him, which helped him to gauge how she was emotionally, she was lit up, and then started crying suddenly, “She had your nose, and my lips, our eyes. She was the perfect mix of both of us, and it was all so sad, Niall.” She leaned into his side, as he placed an arm around her, stroking her long dark hair. 

 “Oh lovey, why didn’t you say anything?” He cooed. As her cries continued, he shed a few tears of his own. She didn’t answer his question, instead saying, “I thought about dying today. I think about dying a lot,” she paused, moving away from him as if he was a hot stove top. 

Niall’s face softened. Had he been so naïve to think she was fine after everything that had happened? It hurt to hear that she thought of dying so much, he was speechless, which allowed her to continue. 

 “I’m mad, and sad, and still grieving. I don’t know how to get over this, and it feels like I never will,” she was in hysterics at this point, “I never talk about it. I never told anyone.” He knew that to be true. It was something she had requested of him. The only people who knew she had a miscarriage were the people who knew she was pregnant: Niall and She. She continued crying, and he wasn’t sure what to do, so he did the only thing he could. He held her, rubbing circles in her exposed flesh. He was hoping she would focus on anything, but how she was feeling. He believed it was working, because her cries got softer. What felt like hours was really ten minutes, and Niall decided it time to speak up. 

 “I’m not much of a talker, darlin’. When we first came home, and had to deal with the weight of it all, I didn’t know how to talk about it without crying, and my crying made you cry, so I decided to be strong for the both of us.”