#daddyisues

i kind of started this blog as kind of a memory marker or vent kinda thing, something i can read back on n see my progress and such but for a while now, it’s something that people can read if i committee suicide. i don't wanna write one long letter or multiple long letters when or if this happens bc thats too time consuming and before death, my mind probably would be all over the place so i wrote this so people can read abt my mind n life n stuff which probably isn't helpful if i don't update much. here’s whats happened so far. every since my suspension with IUP I've kinda dwindled into depression again to the point where I'm self harming and made little suicide attempts but not enough. 

today, my dad called me out to the kitchen to talk with me and basically just shit on me. he said that i brought dishonor to my family and that he had such high hopes for me but when he read my letter from iup he dropped from heaven all the way to hell emphasizing that it wasn't just the ground but all the way down to hell. my dad has always been this type of person so u can see why i am the way i am. my dads rly abusive emotionally n sometimes physically although now that I'm older it’s more emotional which doesn't make it any better. it just makes me feel like such shit to see how low my dad thinks of me. it’s not even just shitting on my self esteem like that, it’s thinking that I'm some incompetent teen who doesn't know what she's doing. i mean I'm not 100% sure what i’m doing but i’m still aware of my surroundings. he just constantly brings up the same shit about me getting kicked out of school which isn't the case, about drugs, about how hard him and my mom work which i fucking understand. almost everything that comes out of his fucking mouth i already know. he's such an ignorant ass i can't fucking stand it. I've had this same fucking problem ever since middle school and you'd think that our relationship wouldn't be the same but it is. bc thats who he is. he's not willing to change, he says he will but he won't. he won’t listen unless its his opinion and if anything goes the way he doesnt want it too, he gets pissed.

he just doesn't know how to handle things or hell handle it the wrong way. last year during senior year, my parents found out i was cutting. they asked why & i said bc i was sad & my dad asks me what can i possibly be sad about then he lectured me then that was it. thats all i got to say about that. no taking me to get help, to comforting me, no support nothing. 

i’m not saying he's a total shit show. i mean i know he cares and i know he loves me but thats not enough. all the emotional abuse and everything else doesn't even out with the love stuff. i remember more bad stuff than good stuff and its not bc i have selective memory. its like the good stuff will be mediocre but the bad stuff is just so bad. 

i’m constantly on the verge of killing myself and i'm so sick of it. if u ask lucy raymond or adara ramos I'm sure they can explain more. that’s just in case i can't though. i’m gonna try to update this blog more bc i don't want anything unanswered if this suicide thing is a go. as of right now, i’m planning on drinks 1 &  3/4 gallons of water because ur nervous system will shut down after that. if that fails then i’m not gonna sleep until i sleep forever. i have a lot of methods. so if one fails, we’ll give another one a chance.