#dad!tan

The hour was late, and outside of his studio window, the lights of Seoul hid all but the brightest of stars. From this far away, and the quiet of his home and his family around him, Yoongi had a hard time connecting this life to the one that he had in Seoul. Of course, they were the same thing. When he was home though, it was like releasing a breath he had been holding. The longer this went on, the more he longed for a different balance, more time at home. He wasn’t quite ready to give up the stage, but the thought danced around his head.

The ending of the track he had been working on brought him out of his thoughts, and he looked at the screen. The hours of work he had put in had stalled out, and he felt the heaviness in his eyes. He should go to bed soon and crawl into the soft sheets behind his partner, breathe in the smell of her shampoo, and press a kiss to the back of her neck before giving in to dreams. 

The studio door swung open without noise, but the rush of air that came in from the hallway was cooler than the still air of his room. He turned, looking at the small figure in the doorway. Her soft hair was sticking up in all directions, and she clutched a worn rabbit plushie in one hand, and dragged a blanket behind her in the other.

“Appa.” Her voice was shaking, adding to the sad expression on her face. Already red and blotchy from crying. 

“Awake still, sweet girl?” Yoongi motioned for her to come in, and he settled into the chair, waiting for Ari to climb up into his lap. 

“Had a bad dream.” She was awkward in getting up, wanting to try for herself before Yoongi assisted a little. “I can do it!”

Yoongi smiled, “Of course.” 

When she's finally settled, she leaned against his chest, her little body already relaxing when she listens to his heartbeat. 

“Music?” She turns her face up to him, and he melts all over again. He smoothed down her hair, and rubbed her back, the soft fleece of her pajamas radiating the warmth of her body. 

“Okay.” He turns back to his desk, and the screens above it. He was used to working like this now. In the past, he would have laughed. Of course no one would be in the studio with him when he worked. Absolutely not allowed. Now though, Ari seemed to be the only one that escaped his annoyance when he was interrupted. 

In a few clicks, the sounds of an old familiar song fill the room. It is Jungkook's voice that flows from the speakers, but Yoongi sings along. The rumble of his voice adding to the soothing sounds as Ari stills and her sniffling fades away to steady breathing. 

It’s a far cry from the usual lullabies that her little night light would play, but these were songs that she heard while in the womb, and the songs that she grew up listening to. For Ari, it meant that her dad and her family were nearby. 

By the time the song ends, she’s fighting to keep her eyes open, and there's no resistance when Yoongi stands, adjusting to hold her easier as he turns off his equipment. The studio fell silent and he turned the lights off and closed the door behind him. 

He still hummed the melody of the song as he walked through the quiet house to Ari’s room. Her nightlight still projected the soft splotches of color onto the ceiling, and he set her down onto her bed. She only complained for a moment, but when he tucked the blanket over her, and kissed the top of her head, she settled back into sleep. 

“Goodnight, sweet girl.” 

It was hard to believe that the life he had known for years was changing. He had put it off for too long. But now at least, he had a family. And not just BTS and ARMY, but a partner and a daughter. 

Jin considered himself lucky. More so than most, and that was the reason that for so long, his personal life had been concealed from the public eye, and only shared with the people he loved most. 

Yuri had grown so much over the years, and he had many pictures and videos in his phone, on his computer, that were cherished memories. Each one of them he could remember clearly. Her first steps. When she was learning to speak. Her first day of school. When each of his brothers held her for the first time. The way she would light up when she got excited. All of them, precious memories as she grew and changed. 

Together, he and his partner had decided that it would be up to her, once she was old enough to understand what it meant, whether she appeared on camera to the public. 

While he was working, she approached him quietly. Bowing politely when she realized that he was on a video call and excused herself to wait outside of the office. When Jin called her back in, she looked towards the webcam perched between his monitors, noting that the little green light wasn’t on. 

“Appa,” she began as she approached and twisted her fingers into the hem of Jin’s sweater. She looked down shyly waiting for his attention.

“Can I be in a video?” 

Jin was a little surprised. Yuri had been content thus far remaining out of the spotlight. Even in photos, she shied away from the camera. He recalled the day at the beach, just the three of them. She had been glued to his side, but when the camera came out, she darted away. 

He never admitted that it hurt a little every time she did that, but it was her decision. Asking to be in a video was like a balm to his aching heart. 

----------

Social media blew up in an instant. The theories and speculation. What could the song mean? Was it about ARMY? No, it's about BTS. Others suggested he was married and had kids, but it was always a joke. Because the others had said as much, of course Jin would say outright for something this important. 

It was when the making of the video appeared on youtube that he made a post. From the set, the photographer had captured the moment when he was pushing Yuri on a bike, seeing her off down the road. His hand rested gently on her back, a gold band glinting on his ring finger. 

And in the video, Yuri perched on his knee, laughing as they watched something not visible off of the screen. The comment with the post; “So proud of the person she's becoming. I am honored.”

You didn’t cry often, and when you did, it was when your emotions became too much. When they threatened to pull you into and underneath their strong currents. It was when you felt so lost and you would momentarily lose sight of yourself. 

You hadn’t cried as much as you did the night you found out she had died. For that you were grateful. You had someone to keep you busy and your focus was entirely on taking care of Hana, and rearranging your life to make room for her. Lately, when you did cry, it was in the small and quiet moments and in the unexpected that would remind you of Ramona. You would close your eyes and breathe deeply before the tears came. Quietly and rolling down your cheeks. 

It has been a month, and the ache that you felt didn’t go away, but it became part of you. You realized that there was no part of you that would ever not miss her, but each day it became easier. Until it wasn’t. 

You were preparing for dinner. Something that you looked forward to when you were with Your parents and Ramona. You were methodically washing vegetables, inspecting them and setting them aside to wait for the next step. In a moment, you turned to look for Ramonas help, and were suddenly confused. Why wasn’t she there to start chopping? 

You felt the tightness in your chest so suddenly and you gasped. There was no build up to the tears, and in a moment, you were drowning. 

You must have sunk down to the floor and pressed yourself into the cabinet, seeking out something solid while you cried. You didn’t hear the singing that got louder as Jungkook entered the kitchen. When he didn’t see you at the sink, he stopped singing and looked around the large island to see you curled up on the floor. 

“Oh! Jagiya…” he knelt on the floor beside you, his hands gentle and sure as he rubbed your arms and your back. “Hey baby, I’m here.” 

Time passed and he sat with you through the worst of your sobs. When you started to hyperventilate, he held your face in his hands. 

“Baby, I need you to take a deep breath.”

You look at him through tears and short gasps. With effort, and being able to focus on him and the deep breaths he takes with you, your emotions finally start to settle. The flow of them slowing into something more predictable and manageable. Jungkook breathes with you. 

“Yes, that's good. Deep slow breaths. I’ve got you.”

You sniffle and nod. You wipe your eyes, and you use your sleeve to start to wipe your nose. He stops you though, and leaves you just for a moment to get some paper towels for you. 

“Sorry they aren't soft.” He smiles gently, and brushes your hair away from your face. 

“It's fine,” you say a little wetly. “Thank you.”

You blow your nose, wipe at the tears that still leak out of your eyes, but you feel better. Raw still, but it’s better. 

“Of course Jagiya. I’m here for you, okay?” Jungkook leans in to kiss your forehead, and you lean into his solid body. His arms wrap around you and you feel safe. You knew that he would do whatever he could for you, when he could. But he wouldn't always be just down the hall. He would always be able to answer the phone. Work at some point, would mean he couldn't.

As if he could read your mind, he hums. “I’m here for you no matter what. I’ll drop everything for you and Hana. I hope you know that.” 

After the long day you had, coming home to a calm and quiet house was a soothing balm to your weary mind and body. Long gone were the typical queasy mornings that you knew to expect, only replaced by the intense fatigue as you worked to create and support the small spark of life within your belly.

Jungkook was ecstatic. The boyish wonder that lit up his handsome face when the news of your pregnancy was fresh made you grin, and had your heart soaring. Although there wasn't even a hint of a bump, he still liked to gently place his hands across your stomach, so sure that he could feel what your love had created.

In the quiet evening, after dinner, you two had settled into the sofa to watch a favorite movie. Your head in your husband's lap as he gently carded his fingers through your hair. You hummed and sighed happily. Eyes closed and just content to listen to the well known words and your husband's sweet gentle voice as he sang along with the music.

In that moment of peace, a strange sensation from your stomach caused your eyes to fly open. You cautiously and gently pressed your hand to your rounded stomach, wondering if perhaps dinner didn't agree with you.

And it happened again. That was most certainly not dinner. You rolled into your back carefully and looked up at your husband.

"Hey, bun..."

He hummed without looking down at you, and you pulled his hand down from your hair to your stomach.

"I think it's starting to move."

You stayed still, hoping that it would happen again with his hand still there.

"What?"

You most certainly had his attention now, the movie easily forgotten. You smiled fondly at him as his eyes grew wide, now eagerly waiting to feel something.

"I am like, 85 percent sure, that it- the baby, move."

You were so scared that talking, or even breathing would make it not happen again. But Jungkook shifted, and now both hands were splayed across your stomach, waiting. Until he gasped.

"I felt it!"

His voice was soft and filled with awe. Up until now, it didn't quite feel real. Though you had the images, that yes, there most certainly was a baby, you both felt it. You felt the hot sting of tears welling in your eyes, and before one had a chance to roll down your cheek, he brushed it away gently with his thumb.

"That's our baby."

“You made a person, baby,” he said softly, looking back at you. “She's so small. So perfect.” He couldn’t look away for too long, and already you knew as he cradled her in big arms against a strong and solid chest, that another girl had him wrapped around her little finger. And you were perfectly okay with that.

You felt that you had run a marathon. You were exhausted, and every breath was made with effort. You could honestly say, in that moment, this was the worst pain you had felt, and you sobbed as you closed your eyes and felt your husband's hand brush sweaty hair from your eyes.

Your hearing was muffled as you recovered, and the pain ebbing away, and among the sounds of the doctor and nurses, you heard a small gasping breath and a cry that would not stop. You opened your eyes, everything came into sharp focus and you saw as a baby, your baby, was placed on your bare chest and covered in a blanket. You were stunned for a moment, but your arms wrapped around quickly, holding the child tight to your chest. You looked down at the whimpering child and then up to the brown eyes of your husband, smiling so wide, you were sure the dimples would never leave his face.  Namjoon was speechless, as he crouched down to press his forehead to yours, and then placed a kiss on your temple. “You did so good, baby. She’s perfect.” He was gentle as he rubbed soft circles over your child's head, almost afraid that he would somehow break this too. 

The nurses came in, helping clean up both you and your baby, and then the doctor came over carefully instructing Namjoon what to do as he cut the umbilical cord. Soon after, they wicked her away, to measure and wrap, and you still felt like you were soaring. Not yet feeling any of the pain or soreness that you knew was to come. Namjoon had squeezed hsi large body onto the bed next to you, credlign you, rubbing your shoulders, and helping to fix your hair that had fallen out of the ponytail. You just wanted it out of the way. When a nurse came back to the bedside, your baby was wrapped in a soft yellow blanket. A white cap on her head. 

“Here you go, daddy,” she said with a smile. “Support her head,” the bundle was passed off into large hands, and Namjoon was so careful, and his eyes wide. 

Namjoon sat in morning traffic, waiting for the cars ahead of him to creep through the light at a glacial pace. There was one point in his life that he would have been impatient, impulsive even, trying to get places on time. Fighting his way through the near gridlock pattern. But his life had taken a turn. Smoothed over his rough edges. Eroded away the shell that once helped protect his soft heart. 

You were the first person he let in. And then your girls came along. If he was excited by the prospect of having one child, he was over the moon when your first ultrasound revealed two babies in your belly. By the time Iseul and Binna were born, small and fragile, he was planning ahead for the day that they were more than just infants. He wanted so much to see who they would be, and wanted to know how he would fit into their lives. 

Now, in his car, humming along to the music that his girls had picked out. He didn't bother turning it off, instead, the words felt familiar and soothing. He looked back at the empty back seat, his gentle smile fading when he saw two lunch boxes sitting where they had first set them down. Shit, this would throw off his schedule this morning, but he looked around at the cars around him, and turned off onto the next side street to start circling back around. 

He called his TA, relaying that he was going to be late and he should begin class without him. Going back also meant that he would be able to hug his girls one more time, and his heart swelled. 

The front of the school was quiet, now that the morning was on its way. The administration office was busy though, and he politely waited as the receptionist checked him in and handed off his visitor pass. 

The school halls were eerily empty, and his steps echoed around. Somewhere in the building, he heard something drop on the floor. The next classroom he passed by, the kids inside were getting a little rowdy. He smiled, eyes narrowing to slits as he felt the joy radiating out. 

Room 2034. A bright piece of paper has been stuck over the window looking inside, decorated with flowers and trees. He knocked gently, and waited in the hall, looking at the corkboard that had artwork from the students. He found the ones that his daughters worked on. They were stuck together, each of them working on one half of the drawing of their family. 

“Mr Kim! The front office called ahead, come in” 

The cheerful teacher held the door open for him and he felt overwhelmingly large among the class filled with kids. 

“DADDY!” One shout rang out, but both his daughters set aside their school work in a hurry and ran up to the front of the room to latch onto his sides. The kids in the class started whispering. Their murmurs filling out the room and curious eyes looked at him. 

“Binna, why is your dad so big?!”

Namjoon laughed as he was directed over to the cubbies, his girls leading the way, one holding each hand and pulling him along. 

“It’s ‘cause he's a superhero! They are big and strong.” Iseul boasted.

It was still early in the day, and clearly, they had yet to settle enough to focus. Both of them now hung off his arms, demonstrating his strength. 

“Can I take them into the hallway for a minute?” Namjoon smiled at the teacher kindly. His dimples on full display. He might have only three girls in his life, but he knew what the dimples did. They got him anything he asked for. 

“Of course! But we have to get lessons started in 5 minutes.”

In the hall, Namjoon was able to properly give them both hugs again. Squeezed tightly in their arms. If only he could have this all of the time. But for the second time today, he sadly had to send them back off to class. 

“I love you so much, my little stars.” He pressed a kiss to each of their foreheads, and when they went to go back to class, he pulled them both back for one last hug. 

He couldn’t wait till he saw them again after school by the time he returned the visitor pass to the office, and sat down in his car. The all too familiar ache of missing his children set in. It would make their reunion all the sweeter.

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