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This has languished in my inbox for far too long. Quite honestly I was gonna try to come up with some sort of funny meme answer to this and drew up completely blank so instead I'm gonna do sincerity,

It's... it's bad but I still kinda love it? In a weird way? These movies give me weird emotions because I did genuinely enjoy watching them but I'm also very aware that there's... Stuff going on. I've definitely taken my fair share of pot shots at these movies in the past because it's funny, But after seeing this behind the scenes video I do think there's something kind of interesting to talk about; how much thought went into this... for it to still come out pretty mid. Which probably sounds a little mean, and not for nothing I do commend the crews insistence on using a practical set and effects where they could because honestly yeah, it does look awesome. And overall I do think the movies have pretty impressive visuals and the action sequences are a lot of fun but I don't think those things can really save these movies from the weaknesses that just come out of the script itself.

Now I'm not gonna lie it's been a hot minute since I watched these movies so I'm kinda going off my memory here. Could I have taken the time to rewatch them before answering this? Probably. But I didn't so here we go.

The Turtles:

I actually don't really hate their designs? I have a very vivid memory of people making a big stink about how they looked when the first movie came out back in 2014, although back then I wasn't a fan so it all just kinda went over my head. I'm still not a fan of them having lips as opposed to beaks but that's really the only part where I kinda draw the line. I weirdly kinda liked that they tower over all the humans and that their physicality matches just how strong they are in this movie. Their first fight scene is so chaotic because you can't see them yet (again, their ability to sneak around so effectively in spite of their size also adds to the impression they make) but enemies are just flying. Karai is quickly losing control of the situation, Foot Clan grunts are getting thrown into the walls and cracking the subway tile with the force with which they're thrown. The way the scene builds the anticipation for the reveal is really well done in my opinion. Do the turtles look like teenagers? No. Absolutely not. And admittedly this did give me a little bit of cognitive dissonance because I kinda kept forgetting that they are kids with the exception of a few scenes. But they do look like mutants so points for that I guess. And it's pretty cool to see what elements from these turtles seemed to end up carrying over to Rise and Mutant Mayhem. Stuff like the tech on Donnie's shell and his glasses. Raph's bandana, and the turtles wearing more clothes overall. The fact that they're purpose made science experiments this time rather than the result of an accident. Like as much as Bayverse gets kinda treated like the black sheep of the turtle iterations it would be unfair to say it had zero influence on what came after.

These turtles in particular are also really riding the coattails of the superhero movie genre back before we all got tired of it. I feel like unlike a lot of the other iterations-- and while TMNT does kinda fall under the superhero umbrella from their comic origins they also kind of originated their own specific subgenre within that that has a very specific... TMNT-ness to it if you know what I mean (i.e. street sharks, battle toads, gargoyles if you really squint)-- these versions of the turtles are more like straight up superheroes than any other version. They're literally bulletproof, they have super strength, speed, and agility. They can survive in hostile environments that would otherwise kill normal humans- really they might as well have slapped capes on them. There's also this weird cartoony-ness to them. Like they specifically operate on cartoon logic while the rest of the world still operates on regular real world logic. It does take me out of it a bit when it does happen.

As far as personalities go (and this is where my memory gets a bit foggy so bear with me here) Raph and Donnie stand out to me the most and I think that's because they both end up being really empathetic characters. The first movie actually kinda becomes Raph's movie and he gets a lot of screentime and character development. The second movie is definitely a bit more Leo focused but I think it's split a little more evenly overall between all of them. But Raph and Donnie are definitely my favorites in this version. Leo is a bit bland in my opinion. At least compared with other versions I've seen. Maybe on another rewatch I would reassess that but for now he just seems like he's kinda there. He's the leader and that's his job. (Again, the BTS video does more to explore his personality than I think the movies really do, so it's like, how did all this thought go into this for it to still not show through?) I feel like the writers just didn't know what to do with Mikey. He gets a bit more development and character in the second movie (the line delivery on the "we aren't monsters" scene comes to mind. Real gut punch every time) but in the first one he's unfortunately just kind of annoying.

Master Splinter:

Oh is Splinter here? Coulda fooled me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, his one purpose is to provide exposition and then exit the plot as quickly as possible when he is no longer useful. Yes he gets critically injured in the first movie and I feel like it's supposed to raise the stakes- it does not. I do not care about him even a little.

April O'Neil:

Okay I'm conflicted because I love Megan Fox and I really think she tried her best with what she was given to work with. The movie almost did a good- there was kind of a weird but self aware joke about April wanting to be a real journalist and pursue more hard hitting stories but the news network very obviously hired her to put her on television to objectify her and have her do puff pieces and boost their ratings because she's attractive. And I'm like "wow that's actually some really self aware commentary on how Megan Fox has been treated by the industry and by Michael Bay in particular it's really cool that they put that in a movie produced by him- oh nevermind there it is they're objectifying her for the rest of the movie." Which is really unfortunate because the way she plays this kind of more manic and slightly unhinged version of April who is maybe not super socially aware is very funny (cue April slapping a conspiracy board and presenting it as serious evidence to her boss). I think her having a connection to the turtles pre-mutation is a pretty cool play on their origin since usually after being dropped in the sewer they cease to have any connection to the kid that bought them from the pet store. But having April and the turtles remember each other is honestly kinda sweet. (Along with the fact that she gave them their names.)

Casey Jones;

Fuck that guy. That's not Casey Jones because Casey Jones is not a goddamn cop.

Vern:

Exists.

The Bad Guys:

Eric Sacks: Okay I haven't seen anyone else point this out but it's driving me nuts. Has anyone else noticed that this guy's origin story is just The Karate Kid but if he turned out evil? Like he tells the story and I literally had to pause the movie because it blew my mind that they just Did That. I was just going "that's just the plot of The Karate Kid. He just explained the plot of The Karate Kid in this movie as his origin story, they just stole it. AND IT"S THE FUCKING JAIDEN SMITH VERSION NO LESS WTF???" Like is it just me? Am I crazy? They fucking did this earnestly and it's driving me up the goddamn wall.

The Shredder: Motivations, what are those? Crime? Money? I guess? If someone could tell me what the hell this man's actual motivations and goals were in this movie I'd appreciate it because I have no idea. This character has zero personality, I can remember zero of his lines, his costume is dope as hell. I don't understand why he's here except that maybe the writers were contractually obligated to put him in the movie. He's literally The bad guy in all the turtleverse how is he so goddamn unmemorable in this movie??? And in the second one? Sir I feel like you should have more of a reaction to finding out extradimensional aliens are real than going "Okay we work for this guy now." and then proceed to tear apart the fabric of reality for him based on like a two minute conversation. What were you hoping to get out of this arrangement, I know the movie probably said it but like everything else that has to do with the antagonists I cannot remember.

Karai: Is here. I guess. Also just way too cool with learning that mutants and aliens are a thing, never reacts to anything. I'm sure she has lines in these movies, could I tell you anything she said or anything she did that would be indicitave of her having a character or a personality? Nope. She exists to be a henchwoman and that's about it.

Bebop and Rocksteady: Probably the only memorable villains in all of these movies, and that's only because they're funny.

General Krang: Why did they even bother dude. Disappointment.

Honestly after writing this I might go rewatch these movies, because this has just reminded me that their whole deal is kind of wild to be honest. And I probably could go on even more but this has already gotten pretty long. Thanks for the ask and I'm sorry it took so so long. But it was fun to do this kind of break down, and I kinda wanna do more in the future with other tmnt stuff, idk I'll see where that goes or not.

I'm sorry to tell you there was not a single lie in that, those are all things that genuinely happened on a major network tv show. people were paid to write that. actors were paid to perform it. I didn't even strip that much context out

riverdale plots feel like they paid one person to write a soap opera, and one person to write a supernatural spin off, and then they heavily drugged both writers and made them try and remember what they'd written, and then smashed those recollections together and called it a script, and despite that description it's actually not badly written

the character work isn't revolutionary, but it's solid. the relationships are mostly believable and fairly well handled. the writers are perfectly capable of being coherant when they feel like it, but instead they choose to create neon fever dreams where a character can reveal an ability to psychically control bees and it doesn't even feel out of place. a character's previously-dead mother is revealed to be living in the walls of her house. the majority of main cast members have burned down their own childhood homes at least once. betty is related to at least 4 serial killers (i mean, whether you count chick is debatable, he was revealed to be her brother, then retconned to not be her brother, but then he married her actual brother, so I'm choosing to count him as a member of her family). jason blosson dying is the starting point of the entire show and at this point every season has featured his corpse in a major plot point at least once. riverdale is sealed off from the rest of the USA and left to become a lawless wasteland in one epsiode but in the next episode that's just retconned in the opening narration. in the most recent episode the show's omnipotent narrator is not only confirmed to physically exist, he gets murdered. And then comes back to life now possessing the knowledge needed to save the world because heaven in this universe turns out to be a comic book store where you can read every archie comic ever written including comics based on the tv show riverdale.

the actor for reggie changed between season 1 & 2, and in season 6 they bring back the original actor and have him and the current reggie fight one another to the death over who gets to be the main reggie, and that's not even considered important enough to be a major plot point.

Omg thanks Dab!!! It’s this stuffed animal bean