#d:1

“Chosen a side, wolf?” the witch asked, his voice scraping down Conall’s spine tripping over each vertebrae. 

Maybe Conall took too long to answer or maybe the witch just didn’t care but the blast came out of nowhere, slamming the beta into a far wall. Wincing, he managed to stand and wrapped a hand around his ribs as he glared at the other man. 

“This isn’t right!” he hissed, eyes going bleary for a moment before the was movement to his right. Whatever it was, it distracted the witch and the adrenaline kicked into high gear. Now was his chance. 

The flesh in his arm was still raw and visible, skin missing and blood coagulating around the thick opened cut, but he folded a bandage - the first thing he found - in a sloppy way around it and grabbed the wooden bow he was unable to spot earlier but found it from first try the second time around. It didn’t mean it hurt less, but at least the pain had meaning. He could ignore it in favor of better activities. Of course, losing the blood - or perhaps just the sight of it - was making Felix dizzy, but he couldn’t afford moments of losing his focus. The arrows he had to leave the roofed portion of Cornucopia for, but luckily, nobody was fighting over them and they were easy access. He wasn’t sure if he could deal with another direct fight, considering his state, but there was something he could do to make up for the disgrace he brought on the District One reputation even if temporarily. The canons were coloring the background noises of fights between inexperienced children whose drive was to kill mindlessly, and he was worried about the chances of them belonging to people he didn’t want dead - Marcia and Cerise, for starters, because he needed his allies and would have hated to spend time in the Cornucopia so alone. He didn’t enjoy the idea of dying without anybody by his side. It made him feel lonely, but those were thoughts he had to block out. 

First, as he set his arrow into place, he looked for the young female tribute who injured him, to get his revenge. He wasn’t a vengeful spirit, but he knew it was expected of him and he didn’t want to let down any supporters or district citizens. Or his trainer back at the Academy, who had always been so coherent and practical in her instructions. She didn’t deserve an unworthy pupil and he didn’t want to be remember as one. Yet, Avamaria and her blonde curls were nowhere to be found, along his dignity and pride. He groaned with frustration, sadness playing in his eyes as he realized there was nothing he could do to fix his image and change the public opinion on him now that a little girl took him out and made his left arm tremble and spit blood. 

But, of course, there was something that he could do. He thought of his mother, the way he still remembered her, with the straightened back and a solemn look - her face, too, drained of disappoint and failure. Felix never once blamed his mother, however, and he didn’t even see the parallel between them now as he was holding his bow and not knowing where to shoot, but he did feel guilty for letting her down and making a joke out of her legacy. The thought itself brought tears in his eyes, but he told himself again that that was no time for thinking. When he pulled the string to shoot at a random child running scared in the opposite direction, his arm shivered under the pain, but as much as the tears in his eyes turned into ones that mourned his pain rather than commemorated his mother, he shot a perfect shot and the arrow penetrated the boy’s skull, causing another canon on spot and making Felix feel surprisingly good about himself. His arm was weeping blood and his grin was staying proud and childish on his face, as if it was the most beautiful day of his life and not the last chapter of it. 

The parachute landed on the ground before he even got to it. In all honesty, he wasn’t expecting a present from the sponsors just yet - especially since his performance in the arena hadn’t been stunning the way at least his trainer from the Academy would have expected. He even got injured because of a little girl from a lesser district. It was embarrassing, even if he did better afterwards and was part of the Career pack - so respected and well seen at least in One that he knew his grandmother was proud to walk down the district’s streets if she dared to step away from the television. But she probably dared. She usually did. Yet, he was the one to go pick up the silver box, even if it was for somebody else - he reckoned Cerise, considering how blindingly charming she had been - and he was the one to suffer the initial shock of realizing it was his gift. His very own first gift from people who were rooting for him. His ego was in a rocket launched to the sky and suddenly, he wondered if it was really that impossible for him to get used to these sweet forms of flattery. Yes, he left his district picturing his death and already planning an escape from his life, but would a new beginning really hurt? What if winning was going to change everything? The thought gave him chills. 

He realized then that he didn’t even have to stick around his grandmother and remain tied to her, the bad news, the terror of a woman who wasn’t even planning on slowly killing everybody she loved and made him feel weak and worthless just with a glance. The realization stinged the way the bees did too earlier. Suddenly, winning didn’t feel like such a burden. Reading Glitter’s note, a smile tried him. They had water, but the canteen was unarguably better. He appreciated even the seemingly useless gift and it wasn’t it, but the symbol it represented that drove him further. Felix felt powerful and closer to a victory he hadn’t even imagined before. 

Overwhelmed by the attractive look of the arena - so child-like and at the same time clicking perfectly with him and the true colors of his heart - he was running to the center of the Cornucopia to get himself the weapon he needed for survival - preferably, a bow and some silver arrows. He couldn’t spot one anywhere at first sight, in spite of the fact that the existing bow they have strategically placed was meant to launch him into a fight with the District Eight tribute that he didn’t care about was meters away, and reached for an axe instead. Not his first, second or third choice, but neither was a premature death. He promised not to fail his district and upbringing. 

If anyone has any mystical, magical cures for waking up at 3:30, I would very much appreciate a hand in making it stop. And, before anyone suggests it, yes, I’ve tried warm milk and a rocking charm on the bed. If anything, that makes it worse. You’d think after five months, things would get a little easier.

Do not fall asleep on the subway home. Weird things happen.

Instead of being all anti-relationship, step back for a second. Are you stepping back? Good. My next tiny offer of advice? Don't date someone you don't know anything about. So simple, yet so deep.

Derrik and I hung out as friends a lot.. some people do.. but you know what else we did before we dated? Talked for almost three hours before we even decided. What did we talk about? Life. Goals. Ideas. Things that would either make us or break us. He told me about his life and I told him about mine. From there, we decided. Don't waste time -- that should be the goal. If you want to date them for a month? Okay, make that clear. A lifetime? Well, I'd make that even MORE clear. Not everything is going to work out, no, but having a clear idea might help. Things to talk about? Career goals. Where you'd like to be or live in five, ten years. Views on children, on religion, on dreams. Talk about struggles in life. Talk about loss. Talk about gain. About heartache and heartbreak. Talk about parents and silly things that might matter, but really, probably won't. Talk about everything and anything you can. A lot of it will come in time, but just starting is the main thing.

Another thing I told him was that I wasn't to be cheated on. Okay, that sounds weird out of context, but I made it clear as well as he did. I told him up-front that I didn't have time for temptation or wasting time. I just didn't. And from how we'd talked in the past, I knew he didn't either. I was blunt about it too.

I let him know: I didn't need him. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? But it's true. I don't need him. I don't rely on him for my happiness and my well-being. I rely on God for those things. But I told him this also: I have more respect for God and more respect for myself.. If you think we'll ever have any problems with wandering eyes or hands in the future, then we don't need to waste any more time together. My plans are lifetime plans. My plans don't end when we get middle-aged and seemingly bored. (I don't plan on ever staying bored, so there's that.. but you know what I mean.) I just let him know that God would have someone else out there for me if he wasn't it. But, I'm lucky in the fact that I have someone who is on my level and understands. Who agrees, and wants the same for himself now.

Life is extremely scary and if you're going to be happy, being up-front about your wants and needs are. Don't settle because you're single or think you're the last one of your friends left without a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife.

Derrik is my first boyfriend so.. I have this awful habit and awareness of trying not to be controlling, so I step back and apologize for seeming demanding (I'm actually not). I was told that I needed to stop and I needed to stand firm in what makes me comfortable and uncomfortable. So, I've done so since then. I'm honest and he is too. He can't read my mind, so being vocal isn't a bad thing.

What I'm saying is.. All good things come to those who wait. Find someone compatible enough with your weird and crazy. Don't jump the gun because you're afraid of being left behind. You'll never be left behind.. God knows your life. He has great plans for you.