#cwac

Soundtrack for this chapter: The Luckiest 

Barely two weeks into the new year and he’s almost over it already. His dad makes it out of the ICU but then spends another week in rehab because of the residual numbness in his hand and big holes in his memory from the brain hypoxia. There were moderate changes to his dad’s personality too, it waxes and wanes depending on the day but at least that unpredictability is something they were all used to.

Hanbyul deals with everything better than expected. She was scared of the IV lines and cardiac monitors for the first few days but by the end of the week, she’d taken to hospital life like a duck to water. It was unexpected but he’s relieved, feeling maybe slightly guilty for ever underestimating her resilience.

He deals with things as best as he can: with fake resolve on the surface but anxiety deep down in his gut. His mom carries on with quiet eloquence and a bulletproof grace that he just didn’t inherit.

They stop allowing Jiwon to come, despite his protests, because the BeatBox schedules started early and even though it was only preliminary meetings to discuss concepts and finalise the recording team, he didn’t want Jiwon to miss any of it. Jiwon’s life had to move forward. One of them had to have the better future. They had fought over it but eventually, Jiwon surrendered when he realised that maybe this wasn’t the best time for Hanbyul to meet a strange new face.

And really.

It’s fine.

It’s okay.

He waits for the World to come crashing down again but it doesn’t.

Things settle down.

They get into a routine.

They wake up, pick a cereal, he nags Jiwon to add fruit, Jiwon nags him to eat more, they call a truce and leave separately, only reuniting again at the end of the day for a late supper unless he’s having it with his family or Jiwon has a dinner meeting with BeatBox.

But it’s good.

It’s good.

He’s thankful his dad survived with only a few residual deficits. He’s grateful there’s still a chance to prove himself, to fix the family, to show his parents that Jiwon’s existence doesn’t mean the end of any dreams they had for him. Yeah, there’s nothing like the threat of death to help you sort out your priorities. When you almost died, surely having a gay son is now the Second Worst Thing in the world. Surely.

“When are you back at work?” His dad’s question cuts through his inner thoughts.

“Oh, um next week.”

“Why do you insist on doing that job Hanbin? At least negotiate a raise. You’ve been there for years.”

It’s a Thursday. His old dad was back. But this time, instead of arguing and defending himself, he finds he can’t exactly disagree.

“Maybe I will, I’ll think about when I get back.”

“Good.”

The answer seems to satisfy his dad for now. It’s weird not to argue, like hearing a new language or eating something you’ve never tried before. This must be what it’s like to have a normal conversation with your parents. If only it was always like this.

“What did you get up to on your break from work? Don’t tell me you’ve been here the whole time?”

He shakes his head even though it’s the truth. “We did a few things but we just like staying home mostly.”

It’s only after the words leave his mouth that he realises his mistake.

We.

Not I.

Or she.

Or me.

We.

Post stroke or not, his dad doesn’t miss it.

“We? Who is this we?” The question is directed at him but his dad turns to his mom, confused. “Do you know anything about this? Did he get engaged while I’ve been under? Or is this another hole in my memory?”

“I’m not engaged dad.” He says with a weary sigh because some things never change.

“Oh. So who is this We you’re talking about? Not Hyungwon’s daughter is it? She seems a little bit bland for you Hanbin. Bit low on the IQ front.”

The irony of their conversation makes him want to laugh out loud. “No, dad. It’s not Eunji. She’s nice though. I thought you liked her.”

“I said nothing of the sort.” His dad sniffs. “So who is it? What’s her name?”

He looks cautiously at his mother but all she does is give him a small shrug, neither of them knowing how to broach the topic at a time like this.

“Um, it’s Jiwon. Kim Jiwon.”

He gets the name out. Then holds his breath.

His dad looks squarely into his eyes, intense as he is during a board meeting or the business end of a long scolding session. For a few seconds he thinks that this might be it, this might be the time that his dad remembers who Kim Jiwon might be…

…but he doesn’t.

“Kim Jiwon? Oh. Like that actress your mother likes. What show was it…..we watched it but I can’t remember it now. What was it again?” His dad asks, face grimacing in frustration when he can’t find the memory he is searching for.

The doctors had told them to let his dad try to remember things on his own but that’s easier said than done, the reality of it is watching a brilliant mind fighting itself because there are so many holes in its memory. They let it go for too long today and his dad is already sitting forward in bed, distressed by something that seems so trivial.

“What’s that show? You’ve both watched it! What is it? What is it?!! What’s the show?! You watched it!”

His mom places a tentative hand on his dad’s shoulder, alleviating some of the distress but not the deep frustrated frown.

“Yes, I watched it.” His mom says patiently and gently. “It was Descendants of the Sun.”

“Oh! Descendants of the Sun!” His dad says victoriously, relief spreading on his face as the tension leaves his shoulders is one fast swoop. “Has she come to visit here?”

“The actress?”

“No, silly boy. Not that Kim Jiwon, your Kim Jiwon.”

Your Kim Jiwon.

It’s only a small thing, and he knows it’s because his dad’s personality and mind are both a little erratic right now, but it makes him smile anyway.

“No, Jiwon hasn’t come to visit you yet. We weren’t sure if you’d be okay with it.”

“What does she do?”

“Jiwon….is a musician.” He replies, trying to keep his panicked nausea at bay.

“A musician? Still committed to those starving artist types are you?” His dad asks with a resigned sigh. “Maybe your mother and I should set you-”

“No, dad. Not again! Those don’t work. They think I’m too weird.”

“Weird? Who said that? Which ones?”

And so it goes, back and forth, for days on end. Some days his dad remembers Jiwon and some days he doesn’t. Some days he is questioned about his orientation, some days he isn’t. It’s all over the place.

Some days they talk business and his mom has to repeat her speech about how a deputy manager has been assigned to his dad’s position now but the company are prepared to accept him back once he’s well. It won’t be the same job anymore though. He still remembers the first time they had to break the bad news; his dad took it badly, lashing out, ranting furiously, wanting to make bitter phone calls “to those ungrateful bastards” but after awhile, a long long while, anger eventually gave way to a reluctant kind of acceptance.

It happened sooner than he expected. His old dad, pre-heart attack, would’ve made those bitter phone calls and threatening demands. His new dad, post-heart attack, was a walking contradiction: less angry but also more blunt. Complete acceptance of the whole situation hasn’t happened yet but progress is progress and they’ll take any small victory at this point.

Maybe there’s a special place in hell for him for thinking this way; as if he’s happy that his dad suffered a major neurological event that changed some aspects of his personality. His dad was the same but different. They all had to show more patience but somehow, everything was also a whole lot easier to deal with.

The last few weeks is the most time he’s spent with his family, especially his dad, for years. It’s the most they’ve talked without arguing. In the worst of settings, it’s the happiest he’s seen his sister in a long time and he knows that’s because they’ve haven’t really been a family like this since he moved out of home.

So yeah, he’s probably going to hell and satan will ask him why he’s okay with the fact that his dad suffered two major health events on the same day. He’s going to hell and he’ll just reply that there’s a price to pay for everything. This was the Universes way of recalibrating their family and of forcibly stopping his dad from killing himself due to overworking and bad dieting. It’s the Universe’s way of forcing the entire family to glue itself together again.

Ahh yeah, nothing like the threat of death to sort out your priorities.

He’ll go to hell for this and he doesn’t care. It might be worth it. If the entire family is happier, was it really all a bad thing?

“You’re in a good mood today, things going pretty well with your dad huh?” Jiwon asks later in bed. It’s nearly midnight, he stayed up answering work emails as Jiwon abandoned his BeatBox homework to read the rest of Life of Pi.

“Yeah, they’re alright. He’s better and the physio was happy with him this afternoon. He’s got a bit of minor weakness in a few fingers but it’s nothing he can’t deal with.”

“Oh, good. That’s good.” Jiwon says with a grin. “What about…”

“His head?”

“Yeah.”

He sends the last email to Donghyuk then slides his laptop onto the bedside table to shut down.

“Well. He’s a little erratic, some days he’s the same dad I had growing up, some days his behaviour is completely different. There are huge holes in his memory but sometimes he can remember ridiculous details about the most specific things. He doesn’t remember you but he’s remembering your name now.”

“My name?”

“Yeah, Kim Jiwon from Descendants of the Sun.” He replies with a sheepish smile that slowly fades into a frown. “I….I didn’t tell him you were a guy. I didn’t know how to and I didn’t know if it’d set him off, so-”

“No, it’s okay.”

“Well, it’s not really.” He says with a sigh. “I told myself that the whole near-death thing was a wake-up call. That I should stop being so scared of him but he’s just gone through rehab, so now I don’t know if it’s selfish or-”

“It’s not. You dating a dude is not exactly gonna help his recovery. He literally just got over his heart attack.”

“Yeah I know but it’s like I keep waiting to introduce you to him and it never happens.”

Jiwon pats his leg under the blanket, eyes already back on the book. “It’ll happen when it happens. Don’t worry so much about that.”

He flops down on his pillow in a frustrated and dramatic huff. The sudden puff of air ruffling Jiwon’s hair and a few pages on Life of Pi.

“Why are you so chill about this? Doesn’t it bother you that my dad still doesn’t really know you?”

Jiwon sighs, dog-ears the page he’s reading then drops the book onto their bedside table. That’s his chance to snuggle right up against one of those hard muscled arms, hiding his face in the sleeve of Jiwon’s t-shirt until some firm fingers coaxes his jaw away.

“It doesn’t bother me. I’m fine with it. Don’t worry about us, worry about your dad. We’ll meet when the time is right.”

The fingers against his jaw slacken and move up his cheek in a soft gentle caress. Sometimes Jiwon’s sweet, rational pragmatism infuriates him, it’s in a good way but it’s still infuriating.

He pushes the hand away and buries his face back against Jiwon’s arm. “You’re supposed to be irrational with me! How am I supposed to be pissed off when you’re being all nice and chill? It’s annoying.”

Jiwon rolls his eyes. “Oh you want me to be irrational with you? Okay, how’s this: I can’t believe I still haven’t met your dad! I can’t believe he hates me! I can’t believe he hates the gays. How will we move on from this? I guess we’ll just pretend I’m a girl forever and be miserable until we die.”

He kicks at Jiwon’s ankles but he’s laughing too. “Don’t make fun of my problems!”

“You’re laughing!”

“I’m not!” He giggles.

“Come here, loser.” Jiwon says, enveloping him so completely and securely in those strong arms that it feels like the World will never touch him. “You’re a big ridiculous baby with big ridiculous problems.”

There’s a wet kiss on his cheek that makes him squirm.

“You are the most pessimistic person I know. You didn’t think we’d work out and we did. You thought your mom would hate me and she doesn’t. You thought your dad wouldn’t make it and he did.”

“What’s your point?”

Jiwon kisses his other cheek. “My point is that whatever happens, we’ll deal with it. I mean, if nothing else works out, what we got so far is pretty good don’t you think?”

He looks up at the earnest face above him. There are replies that float around his mind and his mouth opens and closes so many times that Jiwon gives him a curious look. In the end, he just hooks a finger into the collar of Jiwon’s t-shirt and tugs it downwards so their lips are just touching.

“Yeah, this is pretty good.”

****

“I just realised something else.” Hanbin says at breakfast the next day.

“What?”

“You still haven’t met Hanbyul either.”

“There’s plenty of time for that, let your old man settle at home first.” He says, going back to his berry waffles.

“Maybe we should have a dinner and you can meet them both at the same-”

“No.”

“Why not!” Hanbin cries indignantly.

He doesn’t like to do it a lot but sometimes he just has to put his foot down.

“Hanbin. Baby. I love you. I do. But I’m not meeting them when your dad has barely gotten out of hospital. It’s too much and too soon. You know it. This should be a time for you and your family.”

“Not 3 months ago and you said that you were my family so-”

He gives Hanbin a withering look. “Are you really calling me out on a technicality? Really?”

Hanbin has the decency to hide sheepishly behind his morning cup of tea. “I’m just saying that I don’t want to waste any more time. Who knows how long we’ve got with him. Did you know the that chances of having another heart attack is-”

“Not this again. It’s too early for this.” He groans, looking at the clock on the wall and getting up to wash their plates and mug. He doesn’t exactly respond to Hanbin’s morning rants, because it’s almost identical to the one yesterday and the one last week, but he knows not to interrupt either.

Hanbin follows him from room to room and they fall into a rhythm getting ready beside each other.

“Maybe we can take Hanbyul out for lunch or something. So she’s not around my parents when she meets you. She’ll probably act more like herself without them hovering.” Hanbin muses at the sink as they brush their teeth.

“Uh-huh.” He responds casually, sometimes it’s just easier to agree and let Hanbin talk it all out. He read that in a book once.

“It’ll be good for her to do something besides being in the hospital.”

“Yeah.”

“And maybe when dad’s better, you can come over. Then at least we’ll know if he likes you or not.”

“Sure thing.”

“Are you even listening to me?”

He laughs and ruffles Hanbin’s hair on the way out of the bathroom. “Always.”

They kiss at the front door and he’s glad that the ribs under his fingers don’t stick out as much as they did before and the bony hips are a little less bony now.

“He’s coming home today so I’ll be having dinner at the house again.” Hanbin says when they pull away. “What time do you think you’ll be done tonight?”

He adjusts the zipper on his jacket and shrugs. “It’s another long ass meeting about my demos so it might run late. I’ll get dinner with the team, don’t worry about it.”

“One day, we should actually have dinner with each other. Last time I checked, you were still my boyfriend.” Hanbin says, fixing the collar of his jacket with a soft dimple smile. That one gets him every single time.

“Whatever you want baby.” He smiles, leaning in for another kiss that they definitely don’t have time for. It’s always like this, he knows. He gets into certain moods where he can’t let Hanbin go.

“Don’t you have a meeting to get to?”

“No.” He replies right into Hanbin’s mouth.

There’s a laugh right back into his and then it’s followed by a soft push against his chest. “Go to work. I’ll see you tonight.”

“But I could just see you right now.” He murmurs against Hanbin’s ear and can feel the way the smaller body shivers against him. It’s not so one-sided after all.

“Okay, no!” Hanbin replies in exasperation. “We really don’t have time for that.”

He’s not proud to say that he might have pouted and whined like a kicked puppy but it’s been so long since they’ve done anything remotely nasty and he’s been so patient. He wonders if his wounded puppy look still works on Hanbin but as soon as he turns it on, there’s a hand pushing his face away.

“Don’t even try it! You are not screwing up your career again because you want to get laid.”

“My career will be fine.” He says, dragging Hanbin’s body even closer. “It can wait.”

Hanbin grabs his wrist and holds up the Winnie The Pooh watch. “No it can’t. Winnie says it’s 5 past 8. You have to drive through peak hour traffic.”

He groans dramatically in frustration because it always seems to make Hanbin laugh. “Fine! Fine! I’ll go to my meeting but I just want you to know that I’ll probably be hard and thinking about your mouth-”

“Oh my god! Get out!” Hanbin screeches and laughs at the same time. “Get out of here!”

He doesn’t actually make it that far outside the door before a hand grabs his jacket and pulls him back with surprising strength. Before he can think, Hanbin’s mouth is on him again. It’s not really a kiss, it’s more like a punch in the face; deep, insistent, hard and fast. It’s the kind of kiss that knocks the air out of him. It’s the kind of kiss where he can taste everything Hanbin wants to say.

Listen to yourself, you’re a godamm poet at 8 in the morning.

When Hanbin lets him go, they’re both a little breathless and pink in the face.

“Have a good day at work?” Hanbin says, voice quieter and a little shy all the sudden. It’s something he’ll never understand; how Hanbin can go from this sweet awkward guy to a hungry animal. It gives him whiplash every time.

“Yeah, I will. You have a good day too okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Bye loser.”

“Bye Bambi.”

There’s a bright laugh and two deep dimples on Hanbin’s face.

He’s lucky. He knows he is. Even if nothing else works out, this is enough. More than enough. It was enough from the day they got together. It’s these kinds of thoughts that always gets him out of bed in the morning when he really doesn’t want to. And it’s these kinds of thoughts that makes him want to succeed and work hard at his new career. It’s these kinds of thoughts that makes him want to be a better person.

“So. The team likes the Trap-Rap from the demo tape.” Tablo says as soon as the BeatBox meeting starts. “It’s a bit rough and raw but it’s different. The backing needs some work but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. I’ve got some ideas on how to clean it up.”

Jin is sitting beside him, sipping on his coffee and watching everything with eagle-eye vigilance. He used to find it so off-putting and claustrophobic but now, after a Japan trip and countless meetings, he barely notices it. Jin might be the world’s smallest bulldog but man, he’s grateful the bulldog is in his corner.

“The Bonnie and Clyde revision is what management want you to release first, it’s more typical and radio friendly so it’ll be easier to promote. Needs some work with the verses though and we need to rethink some of the lyrics.”

“Okay.” He nods, even though he’s always been proud of those verses and getting him to change the lyrics will probably end up in an argument. He wrote some of those lyrics for Hanbin, BeatBox can change the lyrics over his dead body.  

“As for the Beethoven,” Tablo starts ominously, “We’re not really sure what to do with that one. Personally, I like it. I think it has a lot of potential and the sampling and looping is refreshing and different. Management think it’s a bit of a gamble. I know it’s something of a love song, maybe we can make it a B side or something to rework and release later once you get some traction in the industry.”

He opens his mouth to ask a question, but then realising how rude it must sound, closes it quickly again. Jin raises an eyebrow. That guy never misses anything.

“What it is?”

“Nothing….it’s just that, well. I don’t mean to offend anyone but if BeatBox is an independent label then why are the releases controlled by GlobalKore’s management?”

Tablo sighs and Jin closes his eyes briefly before answering. “Because you’re still a rookie. GlobalKore controls all new releases but as long as we can demonstrate that we’re making feasible business decisions with our artists after debut they’ll get off our backs about the creative side of things.”

Feasible business decisions?

Those words have no place in music at all but at the same time he tells himself to stop being so naive. Of course it has its place. Music is a business. He is in the music business. And it’s all a necessary evil. You need both aspects to survive, as much as he’d like see it differently. His first advance paycheck won’t be for another fortnight but that money has to come from somewhere and he needs to be smart about what he says or else he’s gonna lose more than just one paycheck. There’s a game to play. That’s what Hanbin had said so it’s probably the right thing to do.

“Well, I’d rather save Beethoven till later. Till the album.” He says, voice uneven because he has no idea how decisions like these really get made and if he has any say in it at all. “I think I kinda agree about Bonnie and Clyde. That’s my most developed track and the easiest to perform live. So yeah, I don’t really have a problem with that being the first release.”

He feels completely out of his depth, not knowing if he should be this frank or not. God, where was Hanbin when you needed him.

“Excellent!” Tablo exclaims suddenly, reaching over to thump his back heartily a few times. “Glad we don’t have to spend the next 2 hours convincing you of the game plan. So we’ll go ahead with Bonnie and Clyde as the title track and the Trap-Rap as a B side. Save Beethoven and the rest for the album. Doc McKinney won’t be free until the later half of the year anyhow.”

He nods. Jin nods.

That’s good, right?

That everyone agrees?

Is everyone supposed to agree? Is it supposed to be this straight forward?

Jin must sense his unease and reaches over to tell him that he can speak up at any time because BeatBox “aren’t really in the business of keeping unhappy artists on their roster.”

He takes the advice, chiming in whenever he can but holding back that 1% that might get him fired. The rest of the meeting isn’t as difficult now that they’ve made clear decisions on what they’re all doing. They begin to discuss aspects of the song, what to change, what to keep. They like some of the lyrics but not everything. He asks them if he can look at it again and “revise” the rhymes. There will have to be a compromise, he can see it coming, but he doesn’t really want to argue about it today. Not when everything was going so well.

The rest of the day is spent going through his proposed schedule for the year. It’s long, tedious and incredibly boring. They barely need his input but as Jin puts it sympathetically, “legally you have to sit there and agree to it.”

It’s past 8pm by the time they wrap up another day, this time with pizza because they all suddenly had a hankering for cheese. There’s only one item left on the agenda: contract negotiations. He saw it written there and wondered why there needed to be negotiations at all. Hanbin had read and gone through the requests already. The contract had already been signed.

He swallows the lump in his throat as Jin opens his mouth to speak.  

“One last thing Jiwon, GlobalKore decided to revise your contract. There are minor changes to the terms and touring obligations. I marked out the changes but I suggest you take the time to go through it all just to be sure.”

There are yellow Post-It notes sticking out of the familiar looking contract document. He tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his gut but what if they make him tour forever after all? Maybe 7 months ago it would’ve sounded like the dream job but well, his life is different now and he needs to think about that.

“Don’t look so pale Jiwon.” Jin says reassuringly. “It’s nothing you can’t handle. Go through it with someone, a lawyer if you need to, and we’ll talk more next Tuesday. I want you to be happy about it. Nobody puts in their best work under duress.”

He trusts Jin to manage him but BeatBox is still part to GlobalKore and at the end of the day, Jin still works for them. The financial backing and power of GlobalKore can’t be denied. The creative meddling and scheduling conflicts are slightly harder to get used to.

He comes home to an empty apartment, knowing that Hanbin will probably stay late to help settle his dad back home. The revised contract feels heavy in his hands, maybe heavier than it did before, but he knows that’s just some crazy psychology messing with his head.

There are proposed changes to the touring section. He will be expected to participate in group tours as part of promotions. It’s just around South Korea so that’s not so bad. There are some changes to his album cuts and the percentages he’ll take. Those revisions are a little harder to make sense of so he’ll have to go through it all with Hanbin at some point this weekend.

He spends the rest of the night going through the Bonnie and Clyde rap lyrics, giving up some time after 10pm because no, he doesn’t want to change anything at all. Why do compromises have to come from him and not Management?

Hanbin comes home just before 10:30pm, looking exhausted but smiling. That’s always a good sign.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

Hanbin flops down next to him on the couch and snuggles against his arm. “Good day?”

“Yeah, pretty good.” He replies, cradling Hanbin’s head so he can place a kiss against his temple. “Gonna start recording soon.”

“Really? Already?”

“Yeah, they got this crazy schedule planned and they want to get the music recorded early.”

“Well, that’s good, I guess.” Hanbin muses, before sitting upright again, lines of concern on his face now. “It’s so weird that it’s starting so soon.”

“I know.”

He can feel it, the beginnings of Hanbin’s anxieties rolling in like a storm in the distance. But he knows how to handle these things by now. He read about that in a book too.

“So hey, how was your day? Your dad settle at home okay?”

There’s subtle waves of worry on Hanbin’s face but at the change in topic, they’re abruptly diverted and transform into a hopeful smile. It’ll only be a temporary fix, he knows this, but temporary fixes get them through the day.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. He’s doing fine. Complained a lot about the fact we’ve only got salt-reduced soy sauce in the house and substitute butter. I just hope he doesn’t drive mom and Hanbyul crazy.”

“Salt-reduced soy sauce is not real soy sauce and fake butter sounds nasty.”

Hanbin turns to him with a look of betrayal. “Don’t you start with that! Whose side are you on? You sound just like him.”

“I do not.”

“You do!”

“Whatever.”

“Anyways, he asked about you today. Well, the girl Kim Jiwon he thinks I’m dating.” Hanbin says with a weary sigh. “I haven’t told him yet and now it’s too late to correct him and I knew I should’ve just done it the first time he got it wrong.”

“Well, it’s not like you lied.” He points out, trying to be helpful. “You just didn’t correct him. Maybe I don’t like pronouns? You never know.”

Hanbin shoots him the same withering look that he remembers giving this morning. “If I’m not allowed to catch you out on a technicality then you can’t use that either.”

“It’s all gonna turn out fine.” He declares.

“You always just say that.” Hanbin grumbles. “Do you even believe it?”

“One of us should.” He stands up and hold his hand out. “So are you gonna mope out here or come shower with me?”

Hanbin’s misery fades at the suggestion, a small smirk taking it’s place and eventually he lets himself be lead to the bathroom. “Are we saving water again?”

“Yep.”

“You just like the economics of it right?”

He laughs, spinning Hanbin around to pin him against the wall. “Yeah I love the economics of saving water. The hot wet naked guy is okay too I guess.”

“Oh really? Just okay?”

“Yeah, I mean, I wouldn’t write a song for him or anything but he’s alright.”

Hanbin leans forward to kiss him. “But you did write a song for me.”

“Yeah I did and they’re gonna release it one day.”

Hanbin’s eyes widen like well, like Bambi in headlights. “Seriously?”

“Yep.” He kisses the prominent nose in front of him, then each dimpled cheek. Bambi is still there when he looks up again. “Why are you so shocked? What do you think I write about? Cars, money and girls?”

“And getting gold teeth.”

“And you.”

“You need more hobbies.” Hanbin says gravely.

It always makes him laugh, the way their weird conversations go but he doesn’t mind being the punchline if it means his neurotically anxious boyfriend gets through the day in one piece.

“Come on.” He says, letting go to Hanbin’s wrists. “Shower time. Then sleep. I’m so fucking tired.”

Hanbin eyes the Winnie The Pooh watch on his wrist before taking it off. “Winnie says it’s 1050 pm. You’re officially geriatric if you’re ready for bed now.”

“We’ve been up since 7am. I don’t care what you wanna call me. Sleep is more important than life right now.” He says, leaning into the shower to turn on the water. “Sleep is more important that you right now. Don’t mess with my sleep.”

He moves to take off his shirt and jeans and by the time he turns back, Hanbin is already shouldering past him into the shower. It’s a little cold but he finds himself just standing there watching the warm streams of water run down Hanbin’s skin, from his long neck down past the Pi tattoo on his chest and over all the ridges of his ribs.

Yep, saving water is the best idea he’s had all day.

“Stop staring like a creep and get in here.”

When he says this is the best idea, he really means that it’s the worst idea. Maybe they take turns washing their hair and rinsing out the conditioner but when it comes time for the rest of it, he realises that they’re not going to be saving water at all.  

He scrubs Hanbin’s back, listening to the soft satisfied noises and trying not to let it get to him. No such luck because he’s got a primitive brain when he’s tired. All the noises get to him. In one specific place.

“Here, turn around. I’ll do your back.” Hanbin says.

Firm fingers knead the tension out of his muscles and fuck, it feels so amazing. Why don’t they do this every night? They’ve wasted so many showers not doing this.

“You are so good at that.” He murmurs, mostly to himself but Hanbin hears it in the small confines of their bathroom. “That’s so nice.”

“Better than sleep?”

“Nothing’s better than sleep.” He replies, just to be annoying.

The hands on shoulders slide down the front of his chest, not stopping until they rest on the lowest groove of his hip. He’s already half hard from all the noises Hanbin was making before but by the time those fingers curl around him, he just gives up trying to restrain himself.

“What about this?” Hanbin says softly into his ear. “Is this better than sleep?”

“Mhhhhhmmm, maybe…”He replies, already leaning back into the body behind him and just wanting to focus on how Hanbin’s fingers glide slowly up and down the length of his cock.

It’s too slow and too perfect, slightly tighter grip than usual, which is how he likes it. He wants Hanbin to go faster but at the same time, he doesn’t want it to end.

“Wait, wait…I wanna see you.” He gasps, turning around and wasting no time connecting their mouths in a rush of heat, spit and water. Hanbin whines against him, tongue sliding so heavily against his that a growl escapes from somewhere deep in his throat. There’s a surprised gasp when he takes Hanbin into his hand and starts stroking at the same time.

“Cum with me, I want to hear you.” He says against Hanbin’s swollen lips.

The slick and wet sounds echoes even louder in their bathroom and soon there are no words, just water hitting the tiles, skin on skin and desperate whimpers next to his own heavy breathing.

Hanbin cums first, all long drawn out moans and teeth digging into his bottom lip. He loves that sounds, it goes straight to this cock and a few seconds later, he spills over Hanbin’s fingers with a blissful laugh.

“Ah, fuck.”

It’s silent after that, just breathing and water again. He presses tiny kisses against a wet shoulder and waits for them both to come down from the high.

“You know this was a total waste of water right?” Hanbin says eventually, now leaning heavily against his body like a dead weight.

“Worth it.” He shrugs, feeling lethargic and floaty at the same time.

Hanbin hums some kind of sleepy response and yawns. “I’m tired.”

“Me too. Waters getting cold. Let’s get you outta here and into bed.” He nudges at the body slumped all over him and it takes about three attempts before Hanbin grumbles, rinses the mess off and makes his way out of the shower.

They dry off quickly and don’t bother to get dressed before crashing into bed. He’s two seconds from falling asleep when Hanbin reaches over and touches his arm.

“You’re right though, sleep is more important than everything.”

He chuckles into the pillow. “Night, Bambi.”

“Night, Loser.”

****

It’s a Saturday the next day. Thank God.

There’s a chill beyond the sheets but underneath it he’s warm, toasty and never wants to leave. It takes him a few moments to realise that: he’s awake, it’s probably early and his phone is buzzing at him. The panic kicks in a few seconds later.

“Mom? What is it? Is something wrong?”

Jiwon shifts beside him, waking up at the worried tone in his voice.

“No, no. Everything’s fine.” She reassures him. “Sorry that I woke you so early but can you pick Hanbyul up from her classes this afternoon? My car is still getting serviced and dad’s car suddenly decided not to start this morning. Mrs Lee next door was kind enough to drive her there.”

He breathes out the anxiety.

“Yeah yeah, I can pick her up.” He replies, rubbing Jiwon’s arm softly to let him know everything’s okay and to go back to sleep. “You could’ve called me earlier. I could’ve taken her this morning.”

“We were already late. She went with the Lee kids, you remember them? The really noisy ones who do taekwondo.” His mom says with a chuckle. It’s good to hear her laugh now and he tries not to think of how long it’s been.

“Yeah, I haven’t seen them for awhile.” He smiles into the phone. He hated those kids growing up, they were always so loud with their backyard basketball and soccer games. He’s not exactly proud to admit that he refused to return one of their balls that flew over the fence but in his defence, he was 14 and trying to study for a science test dammit.

It’s good that Hanbyul has kids her own age to hang out with in the neighbourhood though. And he never actually failed a single test at school so those Lee kids can be forgiven.

“It’s only temporary. The garage says it won’t take more than 2 days.”

“Wait, so you have no car right now? What happened to dad’s? Why didn’t Lexus give you a rental?

“I didn’t take it though because we had your father’s car. I have no idea why it didn’t start this morning. I’m waiting for the weekend mechanics to open so they can take a look at it.”

“Well, you need to have a car, just in case something happens. Do you want to just take mine?”

“What are you going to drive?”

“We’ve got Jiwon’s car. It’s fine.”

He misses his mom’s replies because there’s a persistent tap against his arm. Jiwon looks at him blearily, not fully asleep but not fully awake either.

“Does she want me to come look at it?”

“What?”

“They got a car that’s not working? Want me to look at it?”

He can hear his mom saying his name through the phone.

“No mom, I’m still here. Sorry. Um….Jiwon wants to know if you want him to come over to look at dad’s car? Figure out what’s wrong with it?”

“Oh, that’s right. He was a mechanic in a previous life wasn’t he?”

“Yeah. So do you want him to? I mean, we don’t have to say anything to dad if you think it’s too soon…” He trails off, feeling guilty Jiwon has to hear that when he just offered to help his parents out.

“Well, it would be helpful, as long as it won’t inconvenience him?”

“It’s fine mom. We’ll come over after breakfast?”

“Alright. I’ll prepare you father.” His mom chuckles again, the nerves can be heard in her voice but well, if they’re all going to finally meet, it’s a good thing that she’s already half on Jiwon’s side. “See you soon.”

“Okay, bye.”

He drops his phone back on the bedside table and sighs into the pillow.

“So, we going over there?” Jiwon asks, voice still rough from sleep.

“Yes.” He mumbles into the sheets. “Do you feel like meeting my dad today?”

“Sure, why not.” Jiwon replies with faux over-enthusiasm. “I’ll fix his car and he’ll tell me to fix the gay and leave you the hell alone”

He looks over but Jiwon isn’t angry. He’s smiling dopily, still not fully awake yet. Some higher being put this guy on the Earth just for him. He knows it. People like this don’t exist in real life.

“What if he does though? What if he remembers everything about my fight with him? What if he still hates that I’m gay? What if-”

“Are you planning on breaking up with me?” Jiwon interrupts.

“What? No?”

“Good. Then don’t worry about it. We’ll deal with it like we deal with everything else, I guess.” Jiwon replies with a yawn, eyes already closing again. “Can I sleep for 5 more minutes though?”

I love you.

I love you and that’s all.

He leans down to press a kiss against Jiwon’s cheek. “Yeah, I’ll wake you up in half an hour.”

****

He doesn’t breathe the whole time they’re at his parent’s house.

His dad’s memory might be glitchy but his brain was functioning as usual.

It was fine at first; they pull up, his mom handed over the car keys and they leave Jiwon to try and work out what was wrong with his dad’s C200. It’s nice watching Jiwon work again, not just with music and lyrics but physically and with his hands. A small part of him misses the time when they were just writer-Hanbin and mechanic-Jiwon, that’s the first Jiwon he fell in love with and no matter where Jiwon ends up, nothing will ever change that fact.

His dad shuffles out after awhile wearing his thick dressing gown even though there’s only a slight breeze, it’s no doubt enforced by the vigilant woman beside him.

His heart is in his throat as he watches the two men talk to each other.

“Good morning.”

“Oh, good…good morning Mr Kim, sir.” Jiwon stutters, nervously bowing too many times for good measure.

“You’re the mechanic?”

“Um, yes sir.”

“What’s your name?”

“Jiwon.”

“Alright, so Jiwon, what do you think is wrong with it today?”

There’s no recognition in his dad’s face but then again, why would there be? He’s never met Jiwon. The only thing that might trigger anything is the name but there’s not much of a reaction after that either. He can see Jiwon trying to school his nervous face and can only shrug helplessly whenever those eyes flick his way. What can he even do anyway? Anything he says will make it worse.

But he underestimates Jiwon’s abilities.

He overhypes him and underestimates him at the same time.

“Well, um. I think it’s just a dead battery because one of your doors doesn’t lock properly anymore. I’ve seen it happen with similar models before.” Jiwon says, voice more confident when he can talk about something he’s well versed in. “The central locking doesn’t work on the passenger side door so it’s sending out alerts on your dashboard and that really draining your battery every time.”

“Oh.” His dad nods, clearly expecting something more convoluted and harder to understand. “Can you fix it?”

Jiwon wipes his hands on his jeans and nods. “I can recharge your battery now but the central locking is going to take a few hours. I don’t have all the right equipment with me today if you want a full check up, it’ll be better to take your car to the garage for that.”

And then.

Weirdly enough.

That’s that.

There’s some hesitation but eventually, Jiwon rolls up his sleeves (revealing all the tattoos with it) and recharges the battery. Then he’s kneeling somewhere under the steering wheel to poke at some wiring, hair a bit of a mess, face dead serious in concentration and teeth biting that pouty bottom lip.

There he is. The teenage dream.

Mechanic-Jiwon is everything he’s ever had a crush on, past, present and probably future.

There’s a tug on his sleeve which drags him back to reality, it’s his mom’s subtle way of trying to lead him inside the house but there’s no way he’s leaving Jiwon and his dad out here unsupervised. She sighs and lets him be.

It’s surreal watching the scene in front of him: both of the men in his life are now standing in front of the car, the hood is propped open and for whatever reason, his dad is asking Jiwon so many questions about oil changes, unleaded petrol and grit in the carburettors. He has no idea what any of it means but at least Jiwon does. Thank God he does.

“No Mr Kim. Spending the extra money on that isn’t worth it. Personally, I think you’re just paying for a brand name with no added benefits. My garage used to fit the generic brands and they’re still holding on after 3-4 years. The engine is where your money should be going if you want longevity and performance.”

“I knew it! We’ve been swindled for years!” His dad mutters bitterly, looking every bit like a cartoon in his bright orange dressing gown.

His mom comes back out and rolls her eyes when she notices that he hasn’t moved from the position she left him in before. “Come help me with the morning snacks, Hanbin. You can leave them for five minutes.”

“No, I really can’t.”

“Darling, you’re going to have to trust him at some point.”

“It’s not Jiwon I can’t trust. It’s dad.”

“Hanbin.”

It’s that stern Mom-Voice. He hates that voice. It almost always works. Dammit.

“Alright alright….” He grumbles, rising from the planter box and following his mom back inside the house. He looks over his shoulder, Jiwon has a smear of grease across his check and his dad still looks ridiculous in his orange dressing gown. But they’re not arguing, so there’s that.

There’s coffee to prepare, some fresh fruit and a yellow cake he’s never seen his mom make before.

“What’s that?”

“Oh, it’s a semolina cake. The nurses gave me the recipe. It’s a little healthier than regular cake but it’s still a cake so your father will hopefully complain less.”

“Is he allowed to drink coffee?”

“It’s decaf.”

He laughs. “He’s going to hate the next few months isn’t he?”

His mom purses her lips, clearly in restraint. “He will just have to deal with it won’t he? He’s had his chance. Now he eats healthy and he’ll learn that fruit won’t kill him.”

He doesn’t believe it but if there’s anyone who can sort out his dad, it’s her.

There’s a comfortable silence as they gather the plates and cups but he notices his mom is watching him closely out the corner of her eyes.

“What?”

“He’s….a nice boy. I’m not sure about those tattoos though.”

Warmth explodes inside his chest, it’s followed quickly by the feeling of overwhelming pride and then, finally, relief. Long overdue relief. The smile on his mom’s face might be a little strained but it’s a smile and it’s a compliment and at the end of the day, those are the facts. He knew she tolerated Jiwon but he never expected her to like him, not for a long time anyway.

“He must really care about you to do this.” His mom says with a serious but soft expression.

“Do what?”

“Meet your father unprepared.”

“That’s a bit dramatic, Mom.” He replies, not missing the irony of his statement at all.

“You know what your father is like. He wants facts and honesty and 10 year management plans. He’ll see through anyone remotely fake.”

He frowns deeply and stares at the floor. “I don’t think he realises who Jiwon is yet.”

“Oh, you didn’t introduce them?”

“No, I didn’t have the chance.”

That’s a lie. He did but he paused for so long that his dad just shuffled past and ignored the silence.

“I don’t even know what to say.” He mutters miserably. “I can’t just drop the bomb on him now. What if he gets another heart attack?”

“Oh rubbish!” His mom scoffs daintily. “There’s no need to treat him with kid gloves Hanbin. You keep forgetting who he is and what he’s been through in his business life. He might not remember all of it but he’s dealt with much worse than all this.”

He blinks at his mom, finding it surreal that they were even having this conversation at all. He never thought he’d get here. Ever.

“So. Do you think I should tell him? About me and Jiwon?”

“I can’t make that decision for you.” His mom replies. “But I might suggest that you just let it happen naturally. If it comes out in conversation then so be it. He’ll come to whichever conclusion he will. Some things are out of your hands and you’ve got to learn to deal with it”

He sighs and stares even harder at the floor.

“Oh, don’t look so pale. Have faith in him, Hanbin. In them.” His mom squeezes his shoulder before picking up a tray and motioning him to do the same. “Come on, it’s time to give Jiwon a break now.”

It’s weird. Strange. Bizaare. Completely uncomfortable. One minute they’re pouring decaf coffee and the next, he realises that they’re all sitting around the planter boxes and eating healthy cake. There’s small talk but it’s mostly his dad grilling Jiwon about all the other ways luxury car garages scam people into paying for things they don’t need. For a few blissful moments he thinks this is probably what it’d be like if his dad ever accepted his relationship with Jiwon. Maybe they could be this kind of family one day and sit around other tables, drinking fake coffee and eating fake cake…but with the truth all out in the open.

It’d be nice.

It is nice.

He wishes it could last longer but they need to leave to pick up Hanbyul. His dad’s car might be working now but he insists on doing his big brother duties. So caught up in the weird events of the day, he hadn’t actually prepared for how they were going to say goodbye.

“We better get going-” He starts, dusting off his pants and motioning Jiwon towards their car.

“Wait a minute, what do we owe you Jiwon? Do you take cheque or-”

“Oh it’s okay, Mr Kim. It’s fine.” Jiwon stammers uncomfortably, realising that this is the part where the truth might actually come out.

“What do you mean it’s fine? Of course we’ll pay you! Don’t be silly.”

“It’s really okay. I’m happy to help out.”

There’s a tense silence as his dad looks between them. “Help out?”

“Don’t worry about it, dad. I’ll take care of it.” He interjects quickly, unable to hold back any longer.

“But this is ridiculous.” His dad turns to his mom, confused as ever and not used to having mechanics giving him a discount. “What’s he talking about?”

It can’t come out like this. Not now. It feels forced and wrong. Jiwon and his mom were right and all he can think to do is send her pleading looks to help bail them out of this awkward situation.

“Let Hanbin sort this out.” His mom says, already gently guiding his dad back inside. “They’ve got to go pick up Hanbyul anyhow. You know how she is when she has to wait too long.”

“Right right.” His dad nods, skepticism still all over his face but not arguing (a miracle in itself). “Well, thank you for your help then Jiwon. My wife and I appreciate you coming over.”

“It’s no trouble Mr Kim.”

“Okay, we really need to get going now.” He says, hurrying things along. There are too many opportunities for questions and they’re pathetically unprepared.

Safely inside Jiwon’s BMW, they just sit in silence for a few moments.

“That was…..”

“…weird.”

“Yeah.”

“You okay?”

“Well, I stopped breathing 2 hours ago.”

Jiwon laughs and starts the engine. “Let’s get outta here. They might be watching from the windows.”

“Getting paranoid?”  

“Yeah, been hanging around this cute neurotic guy for too long.”

It’s not until they’re driving out the neighbourhood that he can finally relax. He knows it must be the same for Jiwon too because the further they get from his parent’s house, the less tense those shoulders are.

“You think he knows?”

“No. I mean, he’ll probably call me later wondering why we came and left in the same car. Or why your name rings a bell. But hey, then again, he didn’t threaten to kill you so he probably still thinks you’re just Jiwon the Friendly Mechanic.”

“Can I say something crazy?”

“What?”

“Maybe we don’t tell him? About you and me, I mean.” Jiwon says cautiously. “He doesn’t hate me as the mechanic. So there’s no real rush to just tell him I’m sleeping with his son right?”

He groans at the choice of words. “Can you not say it like that, geez!”

“How do you want me to say it?” Jiwon cackles. “Hey nice to meet you. I’m banging your only son.”

“Jiwon!” He cringes, blushing bright red instantly.

“You’re fucking adorable! Why are you even blushing?” Jiwon laughs, reaching over to poke at his dimple.

“Just don’t ever say that to them! Or to anyone!”

“Fine fine.” Jiwon smiles, “What about if I just say, “Hi Mr and Mrs Kim, I’m Jiwon and I love you son”. Is that better?”

“NO! That’s even worse!” He scowls.

“How is that worse?!”

“I don’t know! But it’s the same!”

“Oh my god.”

“Stop talking. Just drive.” He pleads.

“Oh hey.” Jiwon says suddenly after a moment, “I’m gonna meet your sister today.”

They’ve been so distracted with his dad they they completely forgot to prepare for that.

Oh.

God.

No.

“Geez, don’t look so sad. Maybe I’ll win her over with my cool big brother jokes. You never know.”

He shakes his head in misery again. This is too much stress for one day and he’s going to get a headache any second now.

“Just don’t….freak her out too much. And don’t get too touchy with me. I don’t really want her telling dad anything.”

As soon as he says it, he feels guilty. Who does he think he is to instruct Jiwon like this? Why does he care? He said he wouldn’t care anymore. Life is short. People can be gay. Who cares?

But he does.

He can’t help it.

“Sorry. I just mean….I’d rather we tell him about us. I don’t want you to keep pretend you’re something you’re not. That’s not how I meant that.” He says. “It’s just that she’s a kid. She’ll say anything and everything to my parents and it might come out all wrong.”

“I know, baby. I get it. It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” He says quietly.

It’s not okay. It won’t be okay until the truth is all out in the open. He just has to hang on till then.

“You wanna go with the roommate story?”

He shakes his head, staring out the window instead of looking inward. “No. Just tell her we’re friends and you’re a mechanic. Maybe she’ll think it’s cool. I mean, she kinda already likes you because of what you got her from Japan.”

“Okay.” Jiwon shrugs, looking frustratingly unbothered by the events of the day.  

“Okay.” He echoes, feeling like he’s about to have a stroke of his own.

Hanbyul has dance in the morning, followed by Saturday school for maths and English. It’s a lot for a 9 year old but he remembers his childhood Saturdays in classrooms too. The only saving grace was the piano lessons afterwards.

When they pull into the parking lot of the school, his anxiety surges up his chest. The whole place was filled with mom and dads in SUVs and family sized sedans. Jiwon’s black BMW isn’t anything to be embarrassed about but it does stick out like a sore thumb. Even if they could sneak into the corner parking spot, the growl and grunt of the engine has everyone turning to look at them.

Jiwon laughs at the curious and mildly disapproving glances, clearly used to the way his car announces his arrival.

“They probably think we’re here to rob them or sell drugs.”

He’s supposed to be nervous but suddenly the thought of Jiwon robbing anyone just makes him chuckle under his breath.

“I’ll go get her.” He says.

“I’ll try not to steal anything.” Jiwon replies.

There are kids everywhere. All sizes, all ages, all really really loud and shrill. There’s a small area near the front entrance where the parents gather to wait and gossip. He wonders if anyone is talking about him.

He waves to a few familiar faces that he recognises from before but it’s a little strange every time he’s standing there. A good kind of strange but strange nonetheless. There’s always a small flicker of paternal pride, of curiosity and wishful thinking that maybe one day he’ll be standing right here picking up his own kids from Saturday school and gossiping with other parents about school fees and unfair soccer referees.

Well. Maybe one day.

He spots his sister, walking out with her spikey backpack, ballet bun neatly pinned on the top of her head and chatting to a few similar looking girls. Seeing her with friends makes him smile, at least she still has some.

When she finally sees him across the parking lot, standing next to all the other parents, her face lights up and there’s a quick “bye guys!” to her friends before she’s running towards him, looking closer to 5 years old than her actual 9.

“Hanbin! Are you picking me up today!?” His sister half-yells in excitement.

“Yep.” He replies, hugging her with one arm because God forbid he embarrasses her by being too affectionate. “Had a good day, Peanut?”

“It was okay. I hate maths.” Hanbyul grimaces.

“Who doesn’t?” He says, patting her sympathetically on the back. “Hey, listen. I’ve got a friend with me. He’s here with his car actually-”

“The big loud one?”

“Oh. You heard that huh?”

Hanbyul rolls her eyes at him in dramatic disappointment. “Everybody heard it, Hanbin! Minhyung said it was a street racing car but he’s stupid.”

“Minhyung? The kid next door? Thought you liked him?”

“NO!” Hanbyul glares at him venomously. “Minhyung is dumb.”

He holds up his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Sorry. You hate him, got it.”

“Is he driving us home?” His sister asks, motioning towards the familiar dirty blonde leaning against the black shiny BMW.

His mouth goes dry. The other parents are definitely seeing and talking about them now. Part of him cares too much what they think. The other part of him doesn’t give a shit because Jiwon….well, when his hair is messy like that and he’s in a loose shirt which engine oil stains on it, just casually leaning against the car, Jiwon is still his Teenage Dream, the type of guy he never thought he’d ever have a chance with.

Hanbyul is pulling at his sleeve now, eyes wide with curiousity. “Hanbin?”

“Yeah yeah, that’s him. Be nice to him okay?” He says in a rushed breath. There must’ve been something on his face and in his voice because his sister doesn’t argue or give him a snotty reply, she just nods and holds his hand like she used to when she was a toddler.

Jiwon breaks out into a grin when he sees them approaching. They should’ve prepared for this. Why didn’t they prepare for this?

Calm down, Hanbin. Calm down.

“Okay, Peanut. This is my friend Jiwon. He’s the one that got you your backpack from Japan.” He says. “Jiwon, this is my sister, Hanbyul.”

“Hey, how are you. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Jiwon says, lifting his hand to do an awkward wave that he’s never seen Jiwon do once in the last 8 months.

To his surprise, his sister mirrors the action and waves back. “Hi.”

“I like your backpack.” Jiwon winks. “Pretty cool, huh?”

Hanbyul is selective in who she will talk to. She’s always been that way since she learned her words and he knows it’s due to the way his own behaviour rubbed off on her growing up. It surprises him that Jiwon gets a reply at all.

“Minhyung said it was spikey so I could put rocks in it and use it as a weapon.” Hanbyul blurts out.

He’s vaguely horrified but Jiwon just laughs. “Who’s Minhyung? Is he your friend? He sounds a bit crazy.”

“He’s SO crazy!” His sister confirms melodramatically. “And he’s NOT my friend!”

“Oh. Okay. Sorry, he’s not your friend.” Jiwon apologises, serious but amused. “Hey, thanks for picking out my watch. How did you know I liked Winnie the Pooh?”

“I like Winnie the Pooh too!”

As soon as Jiwon pulls up his shirt sleeves to reveal the watch, his sister’s eyes double in size. It’s all the ink and colours across Jiwon’s skin that’s shocking to a 9 year old who has probably never seen a tattoo up close before.

“How come you have a tiger drawing?” Hanbyul asks, finger hovering hesitantly over the inky lines on Jiwon’s skin, probably wanting to check if it’ll rub off like a pen mark or if it was there permanently.

“It’s a famous tiger. You should ask your brother to tell you the story one day.”

Shyness takes over and his sister withdraws her hand but he can tell by the wistful look on her face that Jiwon and his tattoos are going to be an endless source of fascination for her.

“It’s cool.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool.”

“Minhyung said he will get drawings too but I think he’s lying.”

“He’s probably a bit too young to get them right now.” Jiwon says in Minhyung’s defence.

“He said he wants to get a Pokemon drawing but that’s lame.”

Jiwon pretends to be offended. “Pokemon are cool though! Pikachu, Evee and Charizard…”

“…and Jigglypuff!”

“Yeah, can’t forget about that guy.” Jiwon laughs.  

He looks at them like they’ve both gone crazy. They’re really going to bond over Winnie the Pooh and Pokemon? Really? What the hell was going on here?

“Come on, let’s get you home.” He says, interrupting the ridiculous conversation.

Jiwon moves to open the back cardoor with a dramatic gesture. “Lady first.”

He can tell by the way his sister giggles that she’s completely won over already. Jesus. His sister rarely opens up to anyone new and this must be some kind of record. Maybe he should be more worried about how good Jiwon is with charming everyone. What if it’s even worse when he’s famous?

“Woah, your car is cool!” Hanbyul gushes in awe. “Jiwon’s car is better than yours, Hanbin.”

“Thanks Peanut.” He replies flatly. “Maybe you can get Jiwon to drive you everywhere then.”

“Yeah!”

“Oh my god.” He mutters under his breath. “I think she just demoted me.”

“Everyone in your family loves my car. Admit it.” Jiwon smirks. “Worked on you too, don’t forget.”

“Yeah Yeah. Just shut up and drive.” He mutters, unable to hide the small smile that sneaks across his face.

The Beast wakes up with another deep menacing growl and he knows Jiwon did that on purpose because Hanbyul’s face is wildly enthusiastic in the rear view mirror.

Everyone in the parking lot is looking at them now.

His parents will hear about this.

So much for being careful and discreet. There’s a small voice inside his head that wants to nag Jiwon for being so reckless and ostentatious and drawing attention to them but his sister is bouncing in her seat and giggling every time Jiwon accelerates on the freeway. If this is what it takes for her to be happy, then who is he to get pissed off about it?

And she is definitely happier now. It just makes him feel more guilty about all those times when he came to the house to visit and she would hide in the corner, a withdrawn and quiet shell of a girl, because all the adults in her life were arguing with each other for the hundredth time.

He’s deep inside his head but he vaguely registers the animated conversation between Jiwon and his sister. Something about Pikachu, chocolate waffles, this poor Minhyung kid and if she could come over to see their apartment. Jiwon is patient with her. It makes him feel warm and so completely….grateful right now.

When they drop Hanbyul off at home, she hugs him quickly and throws a chirpy “Bye Jiwon!” in their direction before running inside. Their mom is at the front door, slightly surprised by Hanbyul’s cheerfulness.

“Did you buy her ice-cream?” She asks him with a quirk of an eyebrow.

He shakes his head with the same amount of disbelief. “No, I think she just really likes Jiwon.”

“Maybe she’ll be able to sway your father.”

“Maybe.”

There’s some shuffling and soon enough, his dad joins them at the front door with a notepad in his hand.

“Oh is he still out there?”

“Who? Jiwon?”

“Yes, I need to ask him about your mother’s Lexus.”

He gives his dad a confused look. “What? Why? Isn’t it getting serviced right now?”

“They could be ripping us off. I want to know if the recommendations they gave were legitimately or a scam.” His dad replies earnestly and shuffles further out the door and down the driveway towards Jiwon’s BMW.

He watches for a few seconds before turning back to his mom. “What just happened?”

“Perhaps you underestimated him.” His mom replies.

“Who? Dad?”

She shakes her head. “No. Jiwon.”

He watches the scene unfold; his dad shaking Jiwon’s hand, showing him the list on the notepad, pointing to something on the BMW and talking animately about it. Jiwon keeps looking over to him in some silent pleading, “What do I do?!”

But Kim Hanbin is useless. Again. Frozen in his spot and only offering a weak shrug when Jiwon looks at him very pointedly again.

I don’t know what to do.

Eventually, they watch both men walk up the driveway. They’re not exactly arguing, so there’s that, but it does nothing to calm his nerves. When they’re all inside the house, he pulls Jiwon back, whispering a panicked, “What the hell happened?!”

“He told me to stay for lunch.” Jiwon whispers back, a little shellshocked and mystified. “What do we do?!”

He squeezes his eyes shut. The migraine should be hitting any second now. “Just…..just….don’t say anything about us yet. I was thinking….that maybe you’re right. He likes you as a Jiwon the Mechanic so-”

“-so we’ll just pretend we’re friends?”

“Yeah. Let’s just go with that.” He nods, relieved that they’re on the same page about this.

Jiwon looks up and down the empty corridor before lean forward to give him the lightest of kisses on his lips. “Ready?”

He shakes his head.”No.”

“Do it anyway?”

“Yeah.”

****

He’s having lunch with Hanbin’s parents and sister.

It’s unexpected and nerve wracking and just plain weird.

Hanbin’s dad doesn’t actually hate him but then again, he’s probably still Jiwon-The-Friendly-Mechanic-Who-Will-Save-You-From-Scams. Who wouldn’t like that guy?

Hanbin’s mom is sort of nice to him. And Hanbyul, well, she insisted on sitting next to him and asking him 20 questions about Pokemon Go!

It felt too easy. So easy that he’s just waiting for it all to come to a car crash stop any minute now. It’s crazy that he’s been optimistic his whole life but when it comes to Hanbin’s family, all his doubts and insecurities just come out of the woodwork.

It’s easy because it’s a lie.

As he passes the black bean noodles around the table, he can’t help wondering how different this would all be if Hanbin’s dad knew what about the relationship or Hanbyul realised that her brother was gay. What then?

“How long have you been a mechanic Jiwon? You seem to know an awful lot about luxury cars.” Hanbin’s dad asks, regarding him with a look that’s half way between interest and interview. He’s met plenty of parents before and there’s always a point where they stop looking at him like he’s a threat. It’s the moment when they let their guard down and (sometimes relunctantly) allow him to date their son or daughter. But he’s not exactly sure what’s going to happen here.

“Uh, it’s been about 5 years.” He replies truthfully. “I used to work on a lot of the luxury models.”

“Used to? What is your area of expertise now?”

“Uhmm, I like vintage cars actually and some of the Japanese custom builds. They’re more interesting.”

Hanbin’s dad nods a few times and hums like it all makes sense. He has no idea of anyone around the table knows what the hell he’s talking about. He glances quickly in Hanbin’s direction and frowns at how pale and green his boyfriend looks.

Jesus, his anxiety must be off the charts right now.

Right on cue, a hand lands on his leg under the table. He squeezes it tight, knowing they both understand each other.

For the entire day, Hanbin’s dad has never once been suspicious of ‘Mechanic Jiwon’ and his intention. He hasn’t been threatened or treated as something dangerous that has to disappear. But right now, as scrutinising eyes focus on him, he’s wondering if his insanely good luck is finally running out.

“So, how do you know Hanbin?”

The fingers on his leg dig painfully into the flesh. Hanbin is freaking out, maybe not on the outside but definitely in his head. He’s got to fix this and steer the conversation somewhere safer somehow…

“We’re-”

“-he fixed my car.” Hanbin interjects suddenly, voice too loud and too sharp. “We started hanging out after that.”

Hanbyul barely reacts and continues to eat, completely unfazed by the elephant sized drama that’s playing out in front of her.

Hanbin’s mom keeps her poker face but he catches the way those eyes widen with for a split second, as if expecting an entirely different lie.

They must all be holding their breaths because there’s a collective rush of relief when Hanbin’s dad finally speaks again.

“That ridiculous Nissan? Haven’t you thought about upgrading it by now?”

He smiles, not really because anything is funny, but because he’s so fucking relieved for some reason.

“That car is a lost cause.” He says then, earning him a chuckle or two. Well, it’s better than nothing.

“You said you used to work on luxury cars. Have you moved to specialised models or have you moved on from cars altogether?”

There it is. He almost wants to laugh at the question because he was waiting for it, waiting for the moment when Hanbin’s dad would throw him the most perceptive of questions, the stroke and heart attack clearly didn’t do as much damage as everybody thought.

It’s funny really, the way he’s sitting around a table having lunch with all the people that shaped Hanbin. He can see exactly where all his genes and personality came from. He can see how all three of them shaped the guy he’s crazy about. He can’t hate anyone that important, no matter how difficult things have been or will get.

And with that thought, or maybe it’s the misjudged sense of security, he suddenly feels brazen and brave. He suddenly wants to tell the truth but well, he doesn’t want two heart attacks on his hands so he goes for something slightly less reckless.

“I still remember how to fix cars but um, well, lately I’ve been getting into recording music.”

The hand on his leg freezes in shock then digs into his skin again. Okay, so it was still a reckless thing to say. If it all goes to shit, he’ll never hear the end of it but something inside his heart told him to take the gamble.

“Recording music? Like a recording artist or hobby?” Hanbin’s dad asks, always cutting right to the chase.  

“Recording artist.” He can feel Hanbin’s tense stare on his face probably screaming, “shut the hell up!” in silence. But it’s too late to back down now.

“Which company have you signed with? Who represents them?”

Business questions. This is what he wanted. Hanbin had told him that business questions were always somehow neutral grounds for them, even in the heat of an argument.

“It’s BeatBox, a subsidary of GlobalKore. The legal team is from Lee and Koh.”

“Have you signed a contract? Did you get Hanbin to read it?”

“I signed one but they recently revised it so I-”

Hanbin’s dad ignores him for a moment, turning to focus on his son instead.

“Have you read it yet? Make sure you read it. Revisions are almost never a good sign. You know that.” The stern order has Hanbin bristling beside him, the claw on his leg more painful as the seconds tick by before leaving altogether.

“I’ll read it when we get home.” Hanbin replies through gritted teeth. “He only got the revision yesterday.”

Well, shit. He’s mad.  

It’s kinda justified. He forgot to tell Hanbin about the new contract revision. It’s still sitting on the kitchen table.

“Maybe you should bring it over here, Jiwon. I’ll go through it. You’ve saved me some scam money today, the least I can do is return the favour.”

Hanbin exhales beside him. “Dad, I can read it when I get home. It’s fine.”

There’s a (unfairly) disappointed look thrown in Hanbin’s direction, it’s dismissive and patronising and everything he hates in a parent.

“If you had read it properly the first time, maybe there wouldn’t have been a need to revise it.”

Oh. Shit.

No, no no. This is not where this conversation should be going.

“Actually, Mr Kim, the revision is just mainly because I said I wanted to tour as early as possible.” He lies. “The first contract was fine.”

He’s not really sure if anybody is convinced, he’s never been good at lying, and he’s praying to every God who might be listening right now to do him a real solid and salvage this situation.

“Hmm. Well, have Hanbin read it anyway. He might be wasting his potential at that magazine but he’s always had a talent for business law.”

“I will.” He replies. “He’s been a big help with all this.”

“Well, he enjoys the arts.” Hanbin’s dad continues. “I’m not entirely sure whose genetics is responsible for that. It’s definitely not mine. He always used to complain that business ruins art but I say-”

“-it’s a necessary evil.” He finishes.

The table is silent, stunned. It takes him a few seconds to process the nauseating fact that he and Hanbin’s dad just said the exact same thing in unison.

Fuck.

So this must be what Hanbin’s mom meant.

Maybe she was right.

And Hanbin is looking at him like he’s gone crazy now.

“Come now, that’s enough shop talk.” She announces, motioning them all to eat. “Hanbyul wants to say something about school today.”

‘Grateful’ doesn’t begin to explain what he feels towards Hanbin’s mom right at that moment. Sometimes, in his delusions, he thinks she might kinda approve of him. Maybe. A little.

Lunch drags on and on but it’s mostly filled with Hanbyul telling them all kinds of stories that nobody really understands but everybody listens to anyway. He’s beginning to think she has some kind of weird personal vendetta against this poor Minhyung kid from next door.

He fields questions about his tattoos, his career, his car, his family. Nobody asks him about his real relationship with Hanbin but once or twice, when he looked up, Hanbin’s dad was looking straight at his face.

He’s gotta know. How can he not know?

Hanbin is quiet but at some point there’s a hand on his leg again, hopefully to tell him he’s forgiven for being so reckless. All in all, he doesn’t mind any of it. It’s not the worst time he’s ever had. It’s about 101% better than he thought the first in-laws meeting would go.

Fuck. In Laws?! Did I just say that….

Don’t freak out Jiwon, don’t freak out.

It’s 2:30pm when they say all their awkward goodbyes. He doesn’t realise how tense he’d been holding his shoulders until they’re in his car, cruising on the freeway home, that he can finally, finally, let out the longest sigh. Hanbin is silent again, preferring just to sit there and stare out the window.  

“Hey? You okay?” He asks quietly.

Hanbin nods but doesn’t turn to look at him. “Yeah.”

“It didn’t go that badly?”

Hanbin shoots him a dirty look, as if to say, “Are you kidding me?”

He sighs apologetically. “I know I know but you’re always going on about not being scared of saying anything so I kinda thought I should just say it. And if he hates me then he hates me.”

“That’s so not the point.” Hanbin grumbles.

“But it worked out okay didn’t it? Isn’t that what matters?”

Hanbin squeezes his eyes shut in frustration but after a few simmering moments, he nods again. “I know.”

“Sorry I didn’t check it with you first….”

"No….you’re right.” Hanbin concededs, “You needed to say what you did because if it was up to me, we’d be waiting for another 2 years.”

“I think we should just let him believe what he wants to. Maybe he hates scammers more than he hates the gays. At least the gays won’t rob him blind.”

Hanbin laughs despite himself.

“You never know!” He says, they’re at a red light and he can’t help reaching over to run his hand through the soft dark strands of hair. “Maybe this year is gonna surprise you.”

Hanbin captures his fingers and hold them between his smaller hands. “I just want….”

“What do you want, baby?”

“I just want to go home now.”

“Yeah, okay.”

The light turns green and the BMW lets out a menancing growl before speeding ahead.

****

Skin.

Tanned and warm and smooth under his fingertips. It’s perfect skin, interrupted by swirls and lines of dark ink which probably all have a story behind them. It’s embarrassing that he doesn’t even know half of it.

It’s only 9pm and they’ve already showered and gotten into bed like the boring couple they’ve turned into. He secretly loves it, this quiet life. It won’t last much longer, especially now that BeatBox has Jiwon on a tight schedule, but at least the weekends were still free (for now). He has to savour it, remember it, lock all the good memories away in his head and heart incase one day, it won’t be there anymore.

Jiwon is laying on his stomach, re-reading the last chapter of Life of Pi with furrowed brows and confusion on his face.

He tries not to sprawl all over that broad back but how can you not? When it’s right there, unobstructed by a shirt, and flexing every time Jiwon shifts to turn a page. He settles besides the bigger body, fingers lightly tracing over all the inky lines.

There’s small dark cross at the base of Jiwon’s neck, it’s small and almost discreet, a total contradiction to the circular religious words in the centre of Jiwon’s upper back.

Hate Only Sin. Fear Only God.

He traces around the words causing the muscles of Jiwon’s back to shift and flex like shadows and valleys in the Grand Canyon.

“Why did you get this one?” He asks.

Jiwon turns a page but pauses to look over his shoulder. “Huh?”

“This tattoo,” He says, tapping on the religious ink, “why did you get it?”

“Ah, I got that with my dad and brother. They liked it and I kinda went along with it.” Jiwon shrugs at the end and goes back to reading his book.

“Do you really fear God?” His voice sounds weird and he wonders why that is. Maybe he’s still scared of the answer, having never really been very religious at all. It’s a little hard going to Sunday Mass when everything and everyone there makes you feel like a dirty, guilty sinner.

“No. Not really.” Jiwon replies after a long pause. “That tattoo is really about my family and trying to stay clean and not being scared of anything. I mean, there are way worse things to be scared of right now.”

“Like what?”

“Like, if this rap thing doesn’t go that well and I fuck up our future. Or if your dad changes his mind about me. Or….if you change your mind about us.”

Jiwon is still holding the book open in front of him but he’s not reading anything on the page anymore.

“None of those things will happen.” He replies firmly and with as much conviction as he can dreg up at at time like this. “Thought you didn’t care what my dad thought?”

“I kinda don’t but I know you do. So kinda gotta care a bit.” Jiwon chuckles before dropping his book on the bedside table and rolling over onto his back. “What’s with all the tattoo questions right now?”

He sprawls over Jiwon’s abdomen and shrugs. “We just never talk about it. Every time I can see them it’s always too serious or well, we’re kinda…”

“-fucking?” Jiwon smirks.

He rolls his eyes. “You are so uncultured.”

Jiwon laughs and ruffles his hair. “I read Life of Pi for you! I’m getting cultured! What more do you want, geez?!”

“Do you like it? The book?” He asks with a grin. “Because you’ve got like 2 pages left right?”

“No, I finished it last night. I just had to re-read the ending again.”

“So?”

“So what?”

“Did you like it?”

“You want the honest answer?”

He grins again. “Yeah.”

“It’s so fucking weird.” Jiwon grimaces. “Like, the idea of it and what he’s trying to say is better than the actual story? I got so annoyed reading it.”

He kisses the hard wall of Jiwon’s abdominal muscles and laughs, relieved and a little (okay, a lot) proud.

“What’s funny?” Jiwon asks, confused and irritated that he’s being laughed at for getting a book wrong again.

“I don’t really like that book either.” He says, giving Jiwon a big cheeky smile. “What you just said about it is what I think of it too. It’s a good concept and a bad read.”

Jiwon eyes narrow at him and the hands on his shoulder are now pushing him off, like their proximity is suddenly so offensive. “What?!!! You don’t even like it?! Why did you give it to me? Why did you make me read it!?”

“I didn’t make you read it!” He cackles loudly, thinking how good it feels just to laugh like this. “You decided to read it all by yourself!”

“I read it for you!” Jiwon yells back, just as loud. “You said it was gonna tell me about Richard Parker and he’s hardly even in it. It’s bullshit.”

He stops laugh long enough to try and sprawl all over Jiwon’s chest again. “But you did learn about him right?”

Jiwon lays down beside him, head snuggled into his lap in a show of rare and oddly childlike vulnerability. The dirty blonde hair between his fingers is getting so long now and he knows he will miss it when it gets cut.

“Yeah I did. I know why you wanted me to read it though.”

“Why’s that?”

“To figure out why you got your tattoo, right?”

He smiles to himself. “What did you figure out?”

“It was to see if I’d get through the book too right? Even though it’s bad?” Jiwon laughs. “My tiger is Richard Parker. You’re Pi. The tiger isn’t real though is he? Pi made him real but he made Pi sane for long enough to survive the shipwreck.”

Jiwon pauses then, looking up at him with wide earnest eyes. “Is that right? Because if it isn’t then I don’t know what the hell I just read.”

“Yeah, it’s right.” He says softly, awed that Jiwon figured something out so fast, something that took him months to rationalise himself. He cards his fingers through Jiwon’s soft messy hair again, still wondering how any of this was even happening.

“Why did you say you got Pi for the number then?”

“I got it for both reasons.” He says, feeling vulnerable but somehow, not scared about telling the truth. “They’re both about you anyway. You just wanted me to say it.”

Jiwon’s arms come to hug his waist snuggly. “Yeah maybe.”

He can feel the way Jiwon smiles against his skin. He loves that he knows it’s a smile without even looking. He loves that he can say some of these things now.

But…there still are so many other things he wishes he could tell Jiwon. Like wanting to cry when he read that quote in the Japanese notebook. Does Jiwon realise that it’s just a more eloquent summary of Life of Pi?

And how does he tell Jiwon that he’s never taken anyone home to meet his parents before? That today was one of the best days he’s ever had?  Maybe he was nervous and quiet but he just doesn’t know how to say “I’m so glad you’re in my life” in words so he’s writing it all down on paper. Does he tell Jiwon about that?

He knows what he won’t tell Jiwon though. How he used to drive down to the coast every day for a week, just to stand on the cliff and stare into the ocean. Maybe he thought about Richard Parker keeping Pi sane in that split second before he wanted to throw himself into the cold waters. No, Jiwon can never know about that one.

“Do you ever think about what you’d get if I didn’t have Richard Parker on my arm?”

“I’d still get Pi for you. Or you know, your name on my butt.”

“That’s like the nicest fucking thing anyone has ever said about me.” Jiwon laughs and then, without warning, his t-shirt is pulled up and there’s a sloppy wet kiss across his stomach that has him shrieking and scrambling across the bed.

“Argh! Don’t do that! It’s ticklish!”

Jiwon just looks at him coolly. “I know.”

“I hate you.” He sulks.

“Nah, you love me.”

His face heats up again. “You’re annoying.”

“Yeah, I know.” Jiwon shrugs. “So. You wanna get naked now?”

“What? No!”

“Why not?”

“Because! We were having a moment and now you want to just…”

“-fuck?”

“Can’t you be serious for like 5 seconds?!”

Jiwon rolls them over and hugs him from behind, close enough to press his body and his hard cock rightthere.

“Sorry baby. Finish what you were saying.” Jiwon apologises, lips grazing his ear and sending shivers down his spine. That bastard.

“The one time I try to tell you things and you’re thinking about this.” He scowls, not really angry about anything, just thrown off by all the emotions whizzing around his body.

“Uh-huh. Keep going then.” Jiwon encourages in that low gravelly voice that he has never once been able to keep calm over. The hardness grinding against his ass is not helping. At all.

“Well, it’s just that….that…”

“…that what baby?” Jiwon turns his voice all honeyed and mellow, almost silky against his ear. He grinding back, he knows it, it’s almost involuntary, the way his body responds to Jiwon’s existence.

“That….”

He’s so hard now.

Damm this guy.

“Argh! You are so annoying!” He says, pushing the other body away.

“Sorry…” Jiwon says with a smirk.

“You’re not sorry.” He says, hating Jiwon’s arrogance as much as he loves the way it also turns him on.

“I am!”

“What do you want to do to me huh?” He asks, grinding back so hard towards the body behind him that Jiwon makes a noise he’s sure he’s never heard before. “What do you want?”

“Jesus…stop for a second..”Jiwon screws his eyes shut, as if the answer and possibilities are too much to imagine. It must get too overwhelming because there are large hands holding his hips still now and Jiwon is breathing heavily.

“What’s wrong?” He asks innocently. “Don’t you want me anymore?”

Jiwon growls, flipping them over and throwing him back down against the sheets. “You. Are. So. Bad.”

The wet kisses against his neck always make him giggle at the start but the further down they go, the louder his moans get.

“Come on, just do whatever you want Jiwon….just do it…..I don’t care…..” He babbles absentmindedly, lost in the sensation of Jiwon’s mouth on his skin and the hot hard body press down on his. It makes him feel small, precious, wanted….loved.

The kissing stops abruptly then and Jiwon looks at him, worry flitting across his face for a split second. “Wait a sec. Wait a sec. Promise me something?”

“What?”

“Be careful who you say that to. Don’t just say that to anyone.”

He furrows his brows in confusion. “Say what?”

“That you don’t care what they do to you. There are really fucked up people out there who won’t stop when you want them to.”

Oh.

“I won’t say it to anyone else. It’s just you….it’s just you.” He whispers breathlessly, pulling Jiwon’s head down for a deep and slow kiss, the type that makes his toes curl and stomach drop.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” He says against Jiwon’s lips, pausing long enough to look into the worried eyes. “It’s just you. I want you. I trust you.”

He’s swallowed back into Jiwon’s mouth with it’s hot tongue and mellow earthy taste. His t-shirt and boxers land on the floor somewhere next to Jiwon’s shorts and he’s turned onto this stomach.

“Tell me to stop. If you don’t want it, just tell me. Okay?”

“Okay.”

There’s a part of him that doesn’t really understand why Jiwon was so worried now. It’s not their first time together, far from it, and even when they get rough (mostly because he asked for it), he’s never once been scared of getting hurt.

Jiwon can be gentle and frustratingly tender with his touches, like the way he is now, just trailing kisses down his spine and kneading his skin softly like they had all the time in the World and everything outside their window was irrelevant.

Sometimes everything is rushed, like a chaotic storm of skin and hands and spit, but sometimes, like right now, everything feels like it happens in slow motion and he doesn’t want any of it to stop.

It starts with a firm hand massaging the skin of his inner thigh before easing them apart, the fingers inching closer and closer towards that spot that makes him whimpers and pleads for more, his legs spreads on their own because whenever they do this, he wants everything.

“Stay still for me okay?” Jiwon says all the sudden, voice hushed but no less commanding.

There’s a flush rising up his chest because he know Jiwon likes looking. He feels exposed, always has and probably always will, no matter how much he wants it. But the silence and waiting stretches on and on….

“Jiwon? Stop looking. Can you just-ughhhhhhh…..” He scrambles up the bed, shocked by the sensation of the heavy warm tongue pressing against his ass. “Oh my god….”

Hands grab at his ankles, gently coaxing him back down the bed until he can feel Jiwon breathing against his skin. He hears his pulse thumping loudly in his ears and the nervous anticipation in the pit of his stomach but as soon as the wetness of a tongue glides across his ass hole again, he slumps down into the sheets, speechless, overwhelmed and a little high.

“Relax babe.” Jiwon murmurs against his skin.

"Okay…okay….” He’s whimpering desperate into the sheets now, hands clenching and unclenching in the sheets, fighting between wanting to get away because it’s Too Much and wanting more more more.  

Jiwon pauses to kiss the soft skin of his inner thigh. “You gonna be a good boy for me today?”

Oh Fuck.

He hates it when Jiwon talks to him like this.

It makes him go crazy and they both know it.

“Answer me, baby.”

“Yes….yes….”

“Okay, turn over. You’re gonna watch me eat you out.”

“What?” He asks, mind reeling and breathless.

There’s a pillow wedged underneath his hips and a hand that pushes him down onto his back.

“Watch me.”

It makes him blush again, the way Jiwon is looking at him and lowering that mouth right down between his legs. The first first glide of tongue across his entrance sends a thousands nerve signals to his brain, like fireworks bursting and setting him on fire over and over again.

“Ahh fuck….I can’t….I can’t….” He cries out, wanting it all to stop but wanting it to never stop.

Fingers dig into his thigh now, lifting his leg up slighting and spreading him out even more. The new angle is even better. He’s moaning all kinds of disgusting words and sounds now, it makes Jiwon smile because he thinks he can feel the way the corners of his mouth curls up against his skin.

But they need to stop.

He’s going to cum in 30 seconds if they keep doing this.

He pushes weakly at Jiwon’s shoulder, almost unable to get his words out.

“Stop, stop. You’re gonna make me cum too fast.”

Jiwon laughs, gets one last taste before lowering his leg back onto the bed. “So you like that huh?”

“Yeah…” It’s the only reply he can manage because the rest of his energy is spent on trying not to cum at the mere thought of Jiwon’s tongue in his ass next time.

“Wanna do the other stuff?”

“Mmmhmm.”

“Be back in a second.”

He’s stares into space and waits until Jiwon comes back to kneel between his legs again, only sighing in relief when he hears a plastic cap being flicked open and then, finally, the more familiar pressure of slick fingers instead.

“Mmmmmmmm.”

“That better?”

“Yeah, that’s so good.”

There’s another kiss against his other thigh as Jiwon adds another finger and then another one. He misses being stretched out like this, just laying on his back and taking all of Jiwon’s fingers, one by one, until he’s just a loud imcomprehensible, demanding mess again.

This is true bliss. He can’t even hear his own thoughts anymore, just the sound of his own whimpering and begging mixed in with Jiwon’s sympathetic groans.

“Fuck, you should see yourself.” Jiwon says in awe. “One day I’m gonna get to all five in.”

“I’m ready….it’s enough…..”

“No, babe. Just a bit more so you can fit me.”

“No! I’m ready now!”

He protests with all the swear words he knows but being in this position, he can’t even reach for any part of Jiwon to grab onto, there’s just sheets and pillows.

“You always think you’re ready when you’re not.” Jiwon teases with an amused chuckle. “Begging for it when you’re still tight around a few fingers.”

“Jiwon…” He moans, repeating it over and over. ‘..please…please…Jiwon now…”

“No. We haven’t done this in weeks. You think I’m gonna rush it? Not a chance baby. You’re gonna fuck my fingers until I tell you you’re ready.”

He hates and loves it when Jiwon gets into these moods because those fingers feel amazing but after 5 long minutes he gets restless and twitchy and closer towards being too sensitive.

“Jiwon….now…” He pants, breathing loudly and shakily. “It’s too much….do it now!”

“No. Five more minutes.”

“NO! NOW! DO IT NOW!” He cries out, “I will never talk to you again if you don’t-”

There’s another kiss against his thighs and a soft laugh as Jiwon shifts and withdraws his fingers, one by one.

“So many threats but you’re still gonna spread your legs for me, aren’t you?”

He does it automatically anyway, self consciousness a distant memory now that he can feel the head of a hard cock against his ass hole.

“Want some dick baby?”

“Yes.”

“How you gonna ask for it?”

“Please fuck me….fuck me….I want you in me….” He pleads, muscles tense and aching from the frustration of having all this delayed for so long. He feels like he’s been wound up too tightly now and if Jiwon draws this out any longer, he’s going to either explode or break something.

“You sound so fucking hot like that.” Jiwon groans, pressing forward just a little bit more, it’s not enough to push inside but just enough to make his toes curl. “Say it again.”

He spreads his legs even further apart and reaches down to feel how much Jiwon’s fingers already stretched him out. It’s not that tight but then again, his fingers are a lot smaller.

“Oh fuck. If you keep doing that, I’m gonna blow my entire load on our sheets.”

“Mmmm,” He lets two of his fingers slip inside, just to be mean. “Then fuck me. I want it. Get in here…”

He stretches himself out a little more and that’s really all it takes for Jiwon to growl at him and push in before he has time to pull out his fingers.

“Ahhh ahhhhh wait-”

“No babe, leave them there, fuck…..fuck!” Jiwon says in a strained voice, holding his wrist in place so he can feel the slide of a hard wet cock along his fingers and all the way inside. If it wasn’t a tight fit before, it’s almost unbearable now, but in that same way his tattoo aches a little….it’s a good kind of ache, a good kind of fullness, a good kind of dirty.

“Ahhhhh babe….babe….yeah, fuck…fuck!”

But they can’t go on like this, he’s going to go insane. He pulls his fingers out and collapses heavily against the sheets, just wanting to feel and remember everything.

He loves all the disgusting sounds they make together, that wet slick noise every time Jiwon pulls out and then slams all the way back in, the low rumble and grunts coming from the back of Jiwon’s throat and the way he just wants to cry out, long and loud and without caring if anyone hears it.

Jiwon smacks his hand away when he tries to stroke himself, leaning down to snarl in his ear. “No hands. You’re gonna cum when I tell you to.”

Jiwon leans down now, licking across his Pi tattoo, hard enough to hurt but soft enough that he wants more. But then, without any warning, Jiwon thrusts back into him so hard that he inches up the bed and has to get dragged back down. There’s no more slow and steady pace, when Jiwon starts grunting like an animal and tensing all his muscles into tight knots, he knows he’s in for something uncontrollable.

The build up is always long and drawn out but the sprint towards the finish line is always a blur. He’s always dizzy, mind spinning out of control and body screaming for release as it free falls down a cliff somewhere.

“Let me cum….let me cum…..” He begs, voice now wrecked and scratchy.

Jiwon’s hands grip at his bony hips to pull him even further into his thrusts and the rhythm gets to the point where he just feels like a rag doll being fucked without mercy.

“Let me…let me!” He cries out again, the tension in his balls aching more and more.

“I love it when you beg.” Jiwon whispers hoarsely against his ear, the gravelly timbre of it goes right to his dick. “Cum in my hand, baby.”

He barely registers the firm grip of Jiwon’s hand before he completely lets go and surrenders to his own piercing release. What happens after that, Jiwon will tell him later.

He thinks he remembers watching Jiwon licking the cum off his hand as he slows the thrusting down to something slow and deep, knowing how oversensitive and prickly his skin always feels afterwards.

“You taste so good, baby. You gonna let me eat you out properly next time?”

“Uh-huh….” He murmurs, just agreeing and trying not to go crazy from the pleasure that’s slowly turning into pain.

“You want me to cum in you again?”

“Yeah, do it. Do it inside me.” He slurs, feeling high and out of sorts.

It always amazes him that Jiwon always cums with a growl instead of a shout. There’s always bites against his neck and the scrape of teeth when he gets careless. And then, there’s always that sudden warm wetness inside him, only this time it he can feel it against his fingers too.

“Mmmmmmmmmmm.”

He loves it. All of it. No matter how oversensitive he gets. He loves it when Jiwon demands all of his thoughts and energy and channels everything into one singular animalistic focus where nothing else matters.

“Holy shit.” Jiwon laughs and slumps down next to him on the bed, breathing heavily. “Holy shit, babe….”

“We need another shower.” He says, squirming and sweaty. “We’re wasting so much water this week.”

“That’s what you’re thinking about right now?”

“No!” He replies defensively. “I’m also kinda thinking about how badly I need to wash these sheets.”

“Hanbin….shut up..”

“Okay.”

“Love you though.” Jiwon slurs, foot nudging at his ankle lazily.

“Love you too.” He kicks back.

“Even if you made me read that fucking book.”

He rolls over and laughs into the pillow. It’s not even that funny but for whatever reason, he just can’t stop laughing at how ridiculously everything turned out.

Yeah.

Maybe we’re going to be okay.