#cw integration

i guess it was the way the beginning let me think it was going to end in nondisordered multiplicity, combined with the way it seemed to present singlethood as the only valid way to be a complete person despite that, that just kind of hit me in the chest.

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Okay things are weird rn. We may have fused? Or at the very least we’re combined in some long-term way. We tend to be a bit cyclical from what I can tell, separating when stressed and eventually returning back to a cohesive identity after a long enough period of time.

We have definitely been plural in some way for a while. Melody was our first host and she left after we got out of the traumatic situation we were in. We’ve had the typical disordered system things— persecutors, trauma holders, even some instances of memory fuckery of various kinds. Nix has clearly been around since middle school, Melody and I since elementary, etc. This isn’t a matter of “realized we were a singlet” because, and I cannot stress this enough, we weren’t.

We’ve recently picked a metaphor for our existence. When you wade at the beach, your footsteps kick clouds of sand into the water. We’re the individual grains of sand, floating separately as a result of disturbance. Eventually, we sink back down and return to a singular cohesive identity. We’ve had what, in hindsight, seem to be several instances of this, particularly in moving through the education system. It was going to uni that actually revealed this pattern of scattering and settling. Some of our chronologically older members (such as Melody) simply could not return to the “ground” because of the trauma. In these past few months, we’ve been working together and healing as a group, and I think that must have been what allowed us all to reach this sort-of-fused state now. I have a feeling that any other major stressor would set us back into separateness.

So, this blog will be a little quieter now. I plan on still using it— we were never out as a system anywhere but here and a few discord servers, and we need some outlet for the last five months.

Or more like. Ra.ido is still There apparently but it seems to be the only sysmember still in existance and the rest (me rn?) Is just....... Brain Soup. Then again i'm starting to be a consistent soup. It's less of a "idk who i am 24/7" and more of a "i Am the soup" thing ???? At least rn i sort of think i might be "the same" as yesterday evening.

We'd integrated before for a few months (and split again bc of stressors) and that was like the exact opposite experience because it was like a fusing of stable identities to create a new identity containing the old ones.

This? This is like all the old identities are fading away until theres nothing left and we are in a constant state of Identity Void. Until the void starts to become it's own thing, I guess.

My friend suggested it might be related to bpd identity confusion.

My therapist suggested allowing it to happen. I don't rly have a choice anyway so I'm trying to just,, observe. This has been going on for a few weeks or months now.