#cvq

I remember being sent videos of people preaching “in the name of Christ” basically calling queer people demons and freaks, disgusting etc.

My heart started to ache. I felt physically ill. I can’t even remember the last time I had an anxiety attack, but in that moment one was creeping up on me.

There’s a difference between leading someone to Christ and just trying to flat out shame and condemn them. The greatest gift from God is love. We can be telling the most accurate truth, and without love it will do no good to our neighbor. That’s a violation of the law right there in itself.

So are Christians keeping each other accountable of such a sin as hate, as much as they desire to point out the speck in other people’s eyes? I’ve honestly found so much kindness from people who do not know Christ, and the people who are suppose to be filled with The Holy Spirit, have been some of the worst.

I’m not going to hide that fact at all. I want to be real here.

The thing is, that hasn’t turned me away from Christ. He reached out and saved me from myself, I was digging such a deep grave for my dead self and He brought me to life. I was born sinful, in need to be born again by His Spirit, and He showed me that I could for good put my sinful self to death with Him on the cross and be raised to have eternal life because of the blood He shed.

He alone gave me faith. No nasty preaching about what an abomination I was, brought me to Him. It was the love from His servants. They gave me opportunities to serve and search for Him and He came to me, with open arms, forgiving me for my sins. I fell before Him and died.

Of what it was like to be living a “queer” life and understanding my faith.

Only a handful of people were supportive in the church. I felt so alone.

I also felt uncomfortable because my life was just so inconsistent. I opened the bible and read how Jesus said that lust is adultery of the heart and I looked at my social media feeds and my heart wanted to die. The deeper I dug, I realised so much of me had to die.

Finally I came to where being baptized meant I could put it all to death and be completely new.

Completely new? “But I AM making myself new, I am becoming more me!”

It just didn’t feel right. So inconsistent.

Now, am I afraid of my own experience and my own voice? .. kind of? Though I am not ashamed of The Gospel.

I felt confused then, I don’t feel confused now.

And the church? Oh. Still somehow only a handful supportive.

So will I stop looking to man for support and look straight to my risen saviour? I’m learning to grow my faith and confidence in that way. It doesn’t matter what anyone says, only what Elohim says.

Do we know what it means that Christ died for us? He bought us, at the price of His own blood.

1 Peter 1:18-19

God seems silent to me right now, and I know it’s because I haven’t stoooed to listen.

This happens every once in a while that I just feel kind of discouraged? Unwilling?

It’s super frustrating because I feel so alone and ashamed of myself. I stray away from works of righteousness and turn my face from the Son of God.

God, please have mercy! My flesh is weak!

Every time I feel that I’ve so well overcome the pull of my flesh, every time I’m sure that it’s dead, I feel the darkness of the grave come after me, surround me, and most of the time I’m strong.. but this time I feel helpless.

Perhaps I feel like there are close to no people that understand me, and my fleshly desire for human relationships overwhelms me. I know that I can go to Christ, but I miss real fellowship.

I know some Christians but I don’t feel like we can truly relate? As though I can relate to them but they don’t relate to me? Why is that.

I’ve been reading some of my old posts, and my heart is so touched. I remember what it was like to just have no idea what God was doing, but what I did know was that I wanted to go wherever He was taking me.

I still feel that way today. That is still my desire. But there’s something about seeing that in my heart as I was so lost and so confused, I was so scared. I’d never trusted God so much before.

No words can explain what it’s like to be here. I nailed that person, along with my sins to the cross in Jesus. It all died. It’s all gone. I’m forgiven, I’ve been given a new life and a new chance to start fresh. In fact every day, God’s mercies are new on me, and I can start fresh every single day.

I couldn’t say that before. I was worried that I wasn’t really saved and I couldn’t explain why.

I know now that it’s because I never truly turned from my sins. I never truly repented and put my trust in Christ alone.

I know now that I’m saved. I’ve been reborn.