Me: Hey why aren't you wearing a shirt?

BlackDude: I'm a TaeBo fighter. I just got out of training.

and I just got out of the coffee shop, but you don't see me naked.

Me: Wait, isn't Tae Bo that exercise video stuff?

BlackDude: Nooooooo (slow decrescendo) It's underground no holds barred fighting. Like MMA, but there's no ref, one 30 minute round, fight only ends by tap out. I'm BD.

Me: I'm Ruan. I was looking to get back into that stuff. You train around here?

BD: Listen man, I grew up fighting on the street. I've been fighting underground for 4 years and I'm undefeated. People know me. Training with me ain't for anybody.

Me: Er, I used to box and wrestle (many years and many pounds ago)

BD: Hey if you're free in 2 hours I'm about to train again by the East River. If you can handle this workout, you might be able to handle TaeBo.

Me: Ok I'm in.

I go home with my heart pounding. I gotta stretch! I gotta hydrate! I gotta pop some steroids! Should I tell him about my arthritis? This is definitely out of my league. I can't let my new black friend know I'm soft. What is it about black people that makes everyone try so hard to impress them?

[By text, a few minutes later...]

Me: Hey this is Ruan. Meet on 1st ave at 5?

BD: Oh hay!

I didn't know black dudes said "hay." It must be some sort of ghetto fab that I'm not hip to yet.

BD: i thimk i seem u be for

Pretty sure that translates to "I think I've seen you before." I'll keep my response vague enough so he won't suspect that all my friends are white.

Me: yeah?

BD: wait are you gsy or by

Goddammit, why do all my adventures end this way? At least my pants are on this time.

Me: Nope

BD: well, i thimk u cute. any way im in a fite nite show show coming soon

Me: Thanks but I'm all straight. Still interested in the fighting part though.

BD: oh ok [I can feel the dissapointment on the other side of the phone]

On second thought, it's probably not the right move to work out with a guy who wants to fuck me AND is big enough to rape me. On the bright side, this was the first time I've been hit on in awhile. Oh hay!

RR: Everyone in your life is there for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. Like you and me are friends for a lifetime. We'll be friends till one of us dies.

Me: Till when YOU die, I'm going to live forever.

RR: Like this last girl, she was only supposed to be in my life for a season. Man for a midwestern white girl, she had a black girls ass...marrrron. A-HA! Fake tits. Fake tan. It was too much really. But for all her looks, let me tell you, she was ugly as hell on the inside. Satan's niece. HA!

Me: Booty is in the behind of the beholder.

RR: Listen to me, this girl would take out all her anger from her prick ex-boyfriends out on me. However many years of prick boyfriends turned her into the bitch she is today. So it made me think, am I just string of all the women I've been with?

Me: All we are is a conglomerate of the books we read the and people we talk to.

RR: This is what I did. I listed out every single woman I've ever been with. All my quirks and kinks and craziness comes from this list of women. Your list is just starting to grow, I have a twenty plus years of shit on you. You're still clean. You haven't been fucked up yet. You're just in your twenties. Women your age don't yet know how powerful they are. When they get to my age, they do the whole "independent woman" thing. They realize all they need is a dildo, so what do they need you for?

Me: For when they run out of batteries.

RR: They say "Men want to be loved, women want to be needed."

Me: Louis CK says "the worst a man will do is steal your money or break your arm. A woman will take a shit in your soul."

RR: Anyway, I'm gonna write a story for every woman on my list. I'm gonna publish it as a book, "To All the Women I've... Liked."

Me: Catchy. You should write a blog.

Me: So I thought I was polyamorous. At least that's what I've been telling all the girls I've been sleeping with. It's been easy because I really enjoy these women but I'm not attached. But then this one girl came along and I already feel attached and jealous. What's worse, is guys keep hitting on her and she hooked up with someone else last night. I can't help feeling jealous, yet I also feel guilty about being jealous.

Doc: Before I comment on your issue, I have a question. What's your big goal, in life?

Me: To be in a state of Perpetual Orgasm, and teach how others can do the same as my means of living.

Doc: That's a beautiful, and extremely large goal. How do you think this situation can support your big goal?

Me: Perpetual Orgasm requires me to be at peace with all happenings. I'm torn because I certainly am jealous and I don't want her to hook up with other men, but at the same time I want her to be able to fulfill her desires the way that I do.

Doc: And what is it about this one girl that is such a big deal?

Me: I could list all the things I love about her, but that wouldn't explain it. It's that every desire I have with her, she also desires. There's no friction between desire and fulfillment because we're always in sync.

Doc: Ah, your desire co-arises. I see why you are attached to her. She's pulling out all the sensations you don't normally feel or deal with. She will be your crucible. She's going to force you to face your demons.

Me: Yes my jealousy demon is out. What can I do about it?

Doc: This situation has two options. You can compete with the other man, or you can support him.

Me: Support him? Like in fucking my girl?

Doc: Yes. It's tough man. You would have to get to know this guy, befriend him, see what it is about him that your girl is interested in. In this way you are making the girl's orgasm and happiness the biggest priority, even over your own. You will be doing something for her that no man has ever done. If she sees that, she will want you more than ever.

Me: and if she doesn't?

Doc: Then she doesn't.

Me: But it's not even her fucking another guy. I can get over that. It's the fear that she might like him better than me, the fear that she leaves him for me.

Doc: If you make this play, you have to be able to accept that. It's hard, but it's also the play that supports your ultimate goal. It's the play that will make you an infinite player, rather than a finite player. I can see you have the potential to be an infinite player.

Me: By "infinite player" you mean someone who views the world in abundance, right? An infinite game is one that is repeated over and over forever so you are never stuck with the consequences. A finite game is one that ends a some point with permanent consequences.

Doc: Yes if you can see this girl situation with this girl as one that will repeat over and over, I'll be able to risk losing for the sake of the big win.

Me: But what if a girl like her only comes around once a decade? That's not very infinite.

Doc: A man has two paths to mastery. Either he can experience many different women, or he can experience one woman very deeply. Honestly, I see the first path for you.

Me: I'd agree with you till last month. All my sexual relationships are devoid of attachment. But then this one came along. This sensation doesn't happen for me very often.

Doc: I think it's much more available to you than you think.

Me: And that's another thing about this polyamorous thing. If I am really feeling for this one, should I end my other flings? I mean, I've always felt that as long as I'm honest and transparent I can't be a fault. It's her responsibility to handle herself.

Doc: Yes, you're not at fault. But you're also just doing the minimum. The minimum is fine. You can carry on in this way, and have a great sex life without anyone blaming you for anyone, but that's just the minimum.

Me: What's the maximum?

Doc: To not just take responsibility for your actions, but her actions as well; also her thoughts, feelings, vulnerabilities, and personality.

Me: So basically do a better job of holding her space?

Doc: Yes. Again, it's not something you have to do, it's a much bigger play. But if you want to achieve the big win that you want, you need to be the bigger player in every relationship.

Me: I want to be the play big.

Doc: What would that look like?

Me: Maybe instead of retreating from sensation or pondering jealousy, I can become more immersed in my interactions so I can embrace that love is transient and we should just appreciate the moments we have with each other.

Doc: One part of what you just said didn't land well with me. "Love is transient" didn't feel right.

Me: What then?

Her: It takes a lot of courage to be a human.

Me: What do you mean by that?

Her: As a human you have to face the world and it's uncertainty.

Me: You mean consciousness is a burden. Animals don't perceive time, so they can't fear the future. To be anxious or fearful of the future, one must be able to distinguish future from present on a cognitive level. The only planning animals do is on the intuitive level. A beaver doesn't know why he builds a dam, he just does it and can enjoy having it as shelter.

Her: Yeah, I guess. Like, we have to choose between entering the world and retreating from it. It's so tempting to retreat. Like when you close your eyes to shut off your visual sense, you're taking in less of the world if what you see is something you can't handle.

Me: Do you think that's why kids hide under a blanket when they are scared? Even though they know a blanket can't protect them from the boogey man, what they are really doing is disabling one source of stimuli.

Her: I still hide under the covers sometimes, like when the world becomes too much and I just need to escape.

Me: But that's the opposite of immersion isn't it? To shut off any of the fives senses, to limit our perception is to take in less of the universe. To retreat is to numb our ability to feel. To retreat is to hinder life. So why do we do it?