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Saja boys (showing their true colours/patterns)

Associações pedem que servidores do MP tenham direito a advogar

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“Dynamite Shovel” by the Wonder Years

I just finished taking a quiz in math, My math class is a little different than most because you can take most quizzes with a partner. I’m sitting here listening to the two guys behind me who are taking the quiz together and one of them goes “Yeah, I’m super republican” followed by the kid next to him saying, “I don’t really like your guys’ policies because you guys think that you’re always right” and the first guy says, “that’s because we are always right”.

Fuck that guy. I’m putting my headphones in.

“Rock Bottom” by Modern Baseball

Throughout my life, I have never been good at talking to people. I’ve accepted that I will most likely never be good at talking to people. Now, when we add the idea “hey let’s get together outside of school or this activity that we do so that we can get to know each other to possibly have sex” to the equation I miraculously get worse at speaking to other humans. What I’m trying to say is that I’m fucking terrible at talking to people I like. 

Sophomore year of high school I liked this girl, let’s call her Jenny. Now, Jenny and I had to be together a lot because we were on the speech team at our high school and I was absolutely in love with her. The problem was that she was very not in love with me. She did not think of me when I wasn’t around. That’s the worst kind of problem, it’s the kind where you acknowledge the it and understand it but there’s not a fucking thing that you can do about it. It’s like Romeo said or some shit. He’s like “I’m out of love” and Benvolio is all, “what” and Romeo is like “I love someone who doesn’t love me back” (although using Romeo and Juliet to look at romance is fucking terrible). The point is that like Romeo I loved someone who didn’t love me back. Am I really using fucking Romeo and Juliet to talk about my love life?

The situation regarding Jenny and I was a little complicated. She had gotten out of a relationship with my best friend at the time (remember Paul from the other story? It’s that guy) and wasn’t looking to date anyone else. So...I guess it’s actually not complicated at all.

But after a week or two thinking about what I should do and if I should ask her out, I decided to just do it. What’s the worst thing that could happen, right? Well, I’ll fucking tell you. The two of us were at a speech tournament and when we had a little bit of down time in between rounds, I went up to her and said: “You know what I could use? A pizza date. We should go get pizza sometime.” and to my disbelief she told me that it sounded like fun. In a few seconds I had gone from being certain that I was going to be completely shot down to being ecstatic about my date. 

That state of euphoria lasted for maybe an hour or so.

When the tournament was coming to an end she came up to me and said, and I quote, “You weren’t serious about that pizza date thing, were you?”. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Are you kidding me? She thought I was joking. She thought I was nothing more than a fragile attempt at humor because someone like me would not dare ask her out. How could I? I was a single dim star in the night sky and she was the moon. I was a single drop of rain and she was an entire thunderstorm.

I decided to play it off like she though it was going down. “Pshhhhh, no of course not! We’re friends. We’re just friends”. “Okay cool, good!”. And then we didn’t talk for the rest of the day. I was going to try again in a week or so but within the next two weeks she started dating Paul again. But hey, what’s the worst thing that could happen, right? What’s the worst fucking thing that could happen?

“There, There” by the Wonder Years

Of all of the stories that I’m going to write, the lyric that goes with it will never fit as well as this lyric fits this story. I’m the kind of person who would much rather laugh than cry and I usually laugh during uncomfortable moments because it’s a way for me to cope with the awkward that is always surrounding me. 

It was Christmas-time in 2012 and the previous summer my older brother and I spent some time in Germany with some family friends who live there. They would send us Christmas cards every single year for as long as I can remember and this year was no exception. My family always gets together when we get them so that they can be read out loud and so we can all enjoy their letters. Well, that Christmas I was chosen to read the letter out loud.

Let me just say right now that I in ABSOLUTELY NO WAY think that terminal illness is funny. It’s tragic and horrific and so painful for everyone involved, especially with an illness such as cancer. But let me spoil the story a little bit and inform you that it all turns out okay. Here’s another spoiler: I’M A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK OF A PERSON (that’s not really a spoiler but whatever, man). So that being said, just remember that I’m terrible and that everything is cool now. Here we go.

So, we had just gotten the letter from our friends and my entire family is standing in our kitchen as we look at the red envelope. My mother instructs me to read it out loud because I had stayed with them in the summer. Bad move mom, haven’t you ever met me? There is absolutely no way that I’m not going to fuck this up. Anyways, I open the letter and pull out the reflective, glossy, plastic sheet that is inside the envelope. It’s pretty cute, a picture of the entire family wearing Santa hats. Like I said, cute.

I begin to read the letter. It starts off like most Christmas cards do, with a “Greetings from the _______ family! It’s been a great year and blah blah blah”. So it’s going well, nothing weird has happened and this quickly changes as I start to read some bad news that’s on the page. The mother in this family found out that she has a brain tumor. If you, reader, have a brain capable of predicting what is about to happen then you know what I’m doing. I’m fucking laughing. The human reaction that occurs when we find something humorous is taking over my body. I have no idea how to stop and my family is finding the situation less funny than I am.

I finally get through the rest of the letter, suppressing my giggles extremely poorly, unable to even look at my family. If my brain was a stereotypical sports coach and my body was his player, my brain would’ve been like “What the fuck was that?” and my body would’ve flinched and responded “Hey man, I’m trying my best”. My family then all dispersed, with the reassuring knowledge that they could fuck up everything in their life and yet, me laughing during that was still a bigger fuck up.