#csfics

Kaidan chuckles again and, though it's aimed at the floor, the smile he wears is for her, and it makes her stomach flip. Even though her whole body aches. Even though she’s pissed off that she’s not as good at planks as he is.

Sure, there are plenty of other things she’s better at, but it’s such a simple exercise and Shepard has always been a competitive asshole. Just like she’s always enjoyed seeing someone in their element. And Kaidan Alenko is in his element now.

By now, she’s had the chance to witness his abilities plenty of times, and each time is more impressive than the last. But it’s usually on the battlefield or in some sort of crisis, when there are lives on the line and no time to sit back and watch and enjoy. Right now, there’s time.

Reaching his limit, his body shakes, his brow furrows, and his breathing comes forced, deliberate. But he keeps going, his body held captive by his mind. His endurance is impressive. As is his physique. With his lats spread broad, his shirt stretches tight across the contours of the muscles of his upper back.

“You know,” Kadian eases out of his plank into child’s pose and Shepard tries not to stare at his arms. “It's a lot harder to concentrate when you’re staring at me.”

Shepard cracks a smile. “Didn’t think you folded that easily.”

“I lasted longer than you.” His quip is good natured, but she can see the moment he remembers their ranks and he quickly adds, “Commander.”

“Alright, Alenko.” She maneuvers onto her knees. “Best four out of six.”

Fuck. Her abs cramp at the thought of going six sets of fucking planks, but if they did two out of three, he’d already have her beat, and she has plans to throw the third round.

Kaidan comes to his knees as well and raises an eyebrow. “What are the stakes?”

Shepard hopes her grin looks devilish, calculated, they way it needs to look to hide the way her stomach flips again. “Depends. What are you willing to lose?”

He huffs a laugh, then grows serious. His eyes search hers and she feels like she’s being read like a fucking book. There are rumors around the ship that Alenko is a hell of a card shark. The way he’s looking at her now, she believes it.

Finally, he challenges,“Latrine duty. A full week.”

She purses her lips. “That’s a hell of a bet.”

“I don’t intend to lose.”

It’s Shepard’s turn to laugh. So he’s a competitive asshole too.

Good.

“Deal.”

They shake on it and drop to their bellies, ready to hoist themselves into position on Kaidan’s count. Kaidan - the cocky fucker - lifts himself into a plank on two, while Shepard waits until the last possible second. She waits another ten seconds before failing.

“Really, Shepard?” Kaidan asks, glancing sideways. “Are you looking forward to scrubbing toilets?”

“I’m not going to be scrubbing anything.” Shepard stands, then folds herself in half until her hands are flat against the floor on either side of her feet.

As she expected, Kaidan continues to hold his plank, and she smiles as she presses into her hands and slowly raises her legs into the air, until her toes point to the sky.

“What are you-”

“I’m curious.” She answers.

Kaidan’s eyes are on her as she starts to walk around on her hands. Shepard is grateful she knotted her hair into a bun today instead of her usual ponytail; maneuvering around hair is one thing, but trying to do so with Kaidan watching her probably would’ve meant falling on her face.

“About?”

“How long I can fuck around before you break.” She answers.

Kaidan breathes a laugh. “This a test, ma’am?”

“Not an official one.”

Shepard turns a circle on her hands. When she is facing toward him again, Kaidan is out of position. Her brows furrow. She opens her mouth to express her disappointment, but the words die on her tongue as Kaidan propels himself forward and onto his hands. He spins as well, so he’s facing her, and meeting his eye while they’re both upside down makes her laugh. Loudly, freely. Carelessly enough that her body shakes and she almost loses her balance.

Kaidan’s smile makes her arms weak. “How am I doing?”

“Aside from losing sight of the mission objective?”

There’s a shrug in his voice when he answers, “Parameters changed.”

He has a point. He always does.

“Points for adaptability, then.”

Shepard ups the ante by splitting her legs for more stability and taking one hand up at a time, tapping each shoulder in an alternating pattern. Kaidan responds by doing the same, though it’s shaky at first as he figures out the balance. When she stops, he does as well.

“I should’ve known you’d be into calisthenics.”

“What about you?” He shoots back. “Don’t tell me you were a gymnast.”

Shepard barks a laugh and her core is pissed. “Not a lot of gymnasiums available to street urchins. I had to find another way to train abs that wasn’t so fucking boring.”

A smile - fiercely genuine and slow to spread - stretches across both their faces simultaneously, and warmth washes over her like sinking into a hot bath after a hard fight. It felt so good, so soothing, she could soak in it all day, until she was more prune than person. It would be so easy. It could be that simple.

“Impressive, Shepard, but handstands aren’t going to win you the bet.”

“No, it won’t.”

It’s not about the bet anymore. She knows he’s three for three. She also knows she can withstand enough torture to force herself to win the next four, no matter what. For now, she wants to see just how far he can go.

Shepard fills her lungs, enjoys Kaidan’s watchful eye one more time before locking her eyes on the floor between her hands, and breathes out, long and slow. It takes the entire length of her exhale for her to come into a straddle, every muscle shaking under the strain. Her back to him now, she lets herself grimace as she eases herself onto the floor and off her hands. Splits feel comfortable compared to the pain she just put her stomach through. Reaching forward, she leans into the stretch until she’s flat on her stomach, and brings her legs together again.

There’s a soft thud behind her.

When she looks over her shoulder, Kaidan is seated on the ground.

“Couldn’t manage the straddle, Alenko?” She teases, flipping around so that she’s seated and facing him.

“Never could master the splits, either.”

Kaidan’s bronze skin is flushed red, his cheeks warm even under the harsh fluorescent lights of Normandy’s gymnasium.

Shepard raises a concerned brow. “You good, Alenko?”

“Yeah, I uh…” his expression shifts from one she could not recognize to one she is familiar with. Careful, controlled. The exact right amount of professional and friendly. “Bit of a head rush from being upside down for so long.” Some of that control slips away and he asks, “I thought you weren’t a gymnast?”

“I’m not.” Shepard smiles. “But I was at basic with one. I may have learned a few things.”

Kaidan shakes his head as he chuckles, which only makes Shepard’s smile stronger.

An instructor once told Shepard that simple didn’t mean easy.

Planks.

Losing.

Following fraternization regs.

Simple.

Kaidan dropped his head and a sigh fell from his lips. This had gone all wrong. From the start, Shepard had been as up front with her feelings about sex as she was with everything else. She was happy to oblige him, enjoyed the act even, but rarely craved it. Barely thought about it. Even when she took care of her needs on her own, it was mechanical. Physical maintenance, like brushing her teeth. 

Pressuring her had never been his intention. Or changing her. He only wanted to prevent sex from becoming a chore, an obligation she dreaded, like washing dishes. He wanted to learn how to make her feel as good as she made him. Instead, he had succeeded only in making the entire act uncomfortable.

Shepard rolled onto her side and reached for him, her hand coming to rest on his cheek. Stubble scratched her palm and she smiled. “Kaidan,” reluctantly, he met her gaze, “I like having sex with you. I don’t need to have an orgasm to have fun with it. It’s like…” her eyes rolled upward as she searched for the words, “it’s like a vagina massage. It still feels good.”

He snorted. “A vagina massage?"

“Yes.” She answered, always self-assured. “And massages feel good.”

“Even if you don’t… reach climax?”

Avory narrowed her eyes. “That’s a gross way to say it. But yes. You’d still enjoy putting your dick in my mouth even if you didn’t finish, right?”

Kaidan rolled onto his back, huffing a defeated laugh. “My balls would probably ache after, but yeah.” “Well I don’t have balls, so no aching. Only fun.”

Doubt still weighed heavily on him, pulled the corners of his lips into a pout. "I guess so."

Shepard caged the teasing words that came to mind and pushed herself onto all fours. She crawled overtop him, straddled his waist. “I could go for a massage now, if you’re up for it?” She rested a hand beside his head, leaned forward to kiss him.

When their lips met, she could taste hesitation.

“I don’t know. I'm gonna feel weird about it now."

Shepard rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes. Sex wasn’t a big deal for her, but it was for Kaidan. While she wasn’t the least bit ashamed of her menial interest in sex, they had entered into this relationship knowing it would be something for both parties to work on. For Kaidan, that meant understanding she wasn’t going to say yes every time. She wasn’t going to initiate. She wasn’t going to orgasm easily, if ever. For Shepard, that meant communicating. It meant having fun with the ways she could make him feel, the noises she could draw from him. It meant trying.

She lifted her head slightly, enough that they could make eye contact. “What if I try getting myself there during? Instead of just having you watch?”

Some life came back to Kaidan’s eyes. And lust. “What if I like watching?”

Shepard cocked her head, grinning despite herself. “Then you’re shit out of luck, Alenko.”

“It’s not often I get to see you nervous, though. It was kinda hot.” Mischief curled his lips.

“Oh, shut up.”

Kaidan laughed and gripped her by the waist, flipped her onto her back with ease and slid himself between her legs. They fell into a natural rhythm. Their lips tentative and tender to start, until they gave themselves to one another. Kisses became passionate. Nibbles turned to bites along jaws, necks, every bit of bared flesh. For a time, they existed in a vacuum, parting just long enough for air or to shed an item of clothing. 

It was familiar, comfortable, the way they came together. But this time was slower. As if exploring each other for the first time. Kaidan holding back and Shepard chasing after him, egging him on. Plucking at loose threads of him until he came unraveled. It didn’t take long until all reservations fell away and Kaidan was groaning, rolling his hips against her in search of friction. His need overriding any reluctance. Any previous feelings of selfishness long forgotten. 

Shepard smiled into their kiss. Her hands slid along his back, nails dragging against smooth skin layer over thick ropes of muscle. She dug into his lats. In the small space between their lips, his breath hitched. A gentle nudge on the shoulder, and Kaidan rolled onto his back. His erection twitched, beckoning. 

Patience was not a strength of hers. Shepard knelt between his legs and wrapped her hand around his girth. In one go, she took his entire length in her mouth. Lips sealed around the base of him, she swirled her tongue. Tasting. Teasing. Kaidan moaned as she worked him with her mouth. Up and down, in and out. She tested the limits of her throat until he could no longer be a passive recipient. His legs bent and his fingers wound themselves in her hair, pulling her down against him and holding her there. Shepard's eyes flitted upward, finding his, pupils blown wide with lust. 

"Fuck." Kaidan growled, thrust his hips once, found the back of her throat with the tip of his cock. "Avory, please. I need to fuck you."

He released her hair and she pulled him out of her mouth with a pop. 

"Yes, please." She nodded enthusiastically and sat back onto her knees.

Kaidan lunged forward, covered her body with hers as he eased her onto her back. Her hand snaked between them, wrapped around him once more. She aimed him at her center and tilted her hips, opening herself to him. The smallest of movements and…

"Fuck."

They sighed together as he pushed inside of her. Just the head, at first. She was slick with arousal, and he with saliva, and she yearned for more. But Kaidan was a wealth of patience, and he liked to make her wait. He hovered over her, watching every detail of her expression as he pushed further. Slowly. Savoring. Her eyes squeezed shut, her lips parted. Skin flushed hot pink along her cheeks. Along her chest. Oh, how he loved to see her like this. Wild in the most delicate of ways. At his mercy, the limits of her self-control subjected to new tests she never passed. 

As if on queue, Avory groaned and shifted her hips, trying to force him in further. He couldn’t help but laugh. Nor could he resist giving her what she wanted. He leaned down, supporting himself on one elbow, sunk in a little more. She mewed in response, half-satisfied. Smiling to himself, Kaidan cupped her breast with his free hand and found her nipple already standing at attention. He teased the bud with his fingers, gently pulling and pinching. She arched into him. More, she always wanted more. More pressure, more speed, more of everything. Kaidan obliged. He pinched, hard, and thrust in to the hilt. 

They whispered words against each other’s lips, ears, necks. Nearly unintelligible, but clear in their intention. Kaidan tried to go slow at first. Withdrawing almost entirely before plunging in again. The drag of her was exquisite. The heat. And soon he found himself unable to unsheath himself from her for long. He began thrusting in earnest, felt his release begin to build deep within his abdomen. A rubber band stretched tighter and tighter, so close to snapping.

Shepard snaked her arm between them and Kaidan’s efforts slowed abruptly. Her fingers found where they joined, then just above. He paused and their eyes met, something suddenly more important than his own release.

Shepard looked like a thief caught in the act. “Well, don’t stop.”

Kaidan snorted what might have been a laugh. “Aye aye, ma’am.”

“Fuck’s sake, Alenk-” he cut her off with a roll of his hips, his name breaking on her lips and turning into a begrudgingly satisfied, “-oh.”

“Mmm,” he leaned forward and kissed her, kept his forehead pressed against hers as he found a steady, slow rhythm, “I like when you say my name like that.”

Her eyes fluttered closed, her hand finding its own pattern between her legs. “Then make me say it again.”

Kaidan accepted her challenge with a growl. With her hand between them, he couldn’t push as deep. He pushed himself up onto both arms once again and focused instead on watching where they came together. It was insanely erotic, seeing her stretch around his width. Seeing himself disappear inside of her. Watching as she clung to him on every outward stroke, the evidence of her arousal gleaming on his cock. 

Her wrist moved in circles, her fingers pressed against her clit. She ground against him and her legs fell wide. Her athletic form bared completely before him. Kaidan found his gaze travel upward, where her breasts moved with each of his thrusts and gave him new motivation. He made his thrusts harder, sharper, but just as long. With each punctuation, her breasts jerked forcefully. Compelled, he reached forward and cupped them both in his hands. Shepard gasped in response and he worked her nipples, pinching and pulling and twisting until her noises blurred the line between pleasure and pain. Just where she liked to be.

She began to rub herself almost frantically, chasing the familiar feeling of release. But the intensity building within was anything but familiar. She felt lost. Completely and utterly swept up in a sea of sensation. She found herself writhing. Arching her back. Bucking her hips. His cock stretched her, filled her completely, but still she needed more. Even a modicum of space between them was too much. She breathed his name, thought to beg, but couldn’t imagine what she would be begging for.

A wanton plea was all she could muster. 

“Please.”

Her eyes opened wide, expression caught between fear and fervor. Eyes darkened amber locked on her own, grounded her. 

His voice warm as he soothed her, “It’s okay.”

Scorching heat flushed her body. There was no familiar tingle that stayed in her groin. It didn't wash over her in waves, it came all at once and radiated throughout her entire body. Blew over her like aftershock from a detonated bomb. Every feeling magnified by having him inside her, his cock being milked as she clenched around him. Kaidan dropped on top of her and grabbed her ass with both hands, rutting into her hard. He rode her through her orgasm, spurred by the symphony of wanton gasps he pulled from her throat. 

Only when he stilled did Shepard realize he had spilled his end, his cock still twitching inside of her. He was just as spent as she. His head fell to rest just beside hers, face down in the pillow. 

“That was…” he trailed off, out of breath.

“Pretty fucking cool.” She finished for him.

Kaidan huffed a laugh. “Yeah.” Then he pushed himself up with the last of his waning strength. “How was… you came, right?”

“Yeah, I did.” She could hardly believe it herself.

“And… how was it?”

“Didn’t we just cover that?” Kaidan feigned annoyance. She chuckled, then continued. “It felt…different. Good different.”

Kaidan smiled, sleepy but bright, like a kid on Christmas morning. “Good.” 

Inside, she stood with her back facing him, the only light coming from the safety lights built into the floorboards. His eyes scanned over her form, what little he could make out in the poorly lit room. Her hands hung loosely at her sides, trembling.

“Shepard?”

Kaidan waited, counted 8 heartbeats before Shepard finally turned to face him, and his heart nearly stopped at the sight of her. A thick line of crusted blood marred the skin above her left brow, her bottom lip split and swollen, her pupils dilated and eyes wide with fear, brimmed with moisture. All of her weight rested on her left leg and her shoulders sagged as if simply keeping herself upright required too much effort.

He could feel his own eyes widen in surprise, could feel concern etch into every line on his face. He stepped toward her without hesitation, but she stumbled backward, shook her head and her eyes fell to the floor. Kaidan opened his mouth to speak, but the words caught in his throat and came out a croak. He swallowed against the lump that arose, a newly formed tumor of doubt and guilt.

He wanted to ask what happened, where she had gone, how all of this had happened, but he couldn't. Not when she looked like this, not when she flinched at his presence.

“Are you hurt?”

It was a stupid question, given her current state, but it was all he could manage.

“No.”

Kaidan could hear the tightness in her tone. In any other situation, he might have laughed at her denial, been impressed by her willfulness to carry on as if she weren't injured. But this wasn't just another day shooting geth and mowing down husks. The woman standing before him wasn't Shepard as he knew her; she was deflated, terrified, unable to hold his gaze.

“Do you want me to go?”

Silence stretched between them, unease in the air so thick it was suffocating. He wasn't sure he could leave even if she ordered him to; every muscle in his body was tense, his feet glued in place despite every nerve in his body firing, telling him to go to her. He wanted to, God, how he wanted to. He longed to tend to her wounds, to hold her, to console her. But he couldn't move, he wouldn't, not if it would make her shy away from him again.

Slowly, Shepard lifted her head to meet his eyes, her cheek dimpled where she held the inner lining between her teeth, her brows pinched tightly over haunted eyes. He watched as she took a deep breath, no doubt trying to steady herself, and she shook her head slowly. Cautiously, he moved one step closer, his eyes never leaving hers, waiting for either a sign of permission or of dismissal.

This time, she didn't move away. He closed the distance between them in two strides and took her into his arms, enveloped her completely and pulled her in firmly against his chest. She remained stiff within his embrace, arms trapped at her sides, trembling against him. Her breath came in short, shallow rasps, warming the juncture between his chest and neck with each shaky exhale. Kaidan rested his cheek atop her head and held tight. She felt so small wrapped up in his arms, so light even though he was supporting the majority of her weight now. He tightened his hold around her, hoping somehow that if he kept her there against him, he could shield her from whatever she had just faced, absorb all of her pain. If only he held her tightly enough, long enough, he could make her feel safe.

“I thought I was done.” Shepard spoke into the fabric of his shirt, her voice low and muffled. Kaidan held his breath, afraid that even exhaling would be enough to dissuade her from continuing. “Akuze...the Reds...” He felt her chest swell against his, heard her gasp as she breathed in a deep breath. “I thought it was over.” Her words rolled out on a shaky breath, a trembling whisper that sent a chill to his spine.

Tears pricked at his eyes and he swallowed hard. Shepard was usually so full of Earth-shaking confidence, to hear her so timid, so broken, was enough to drive a crack in his composure. “Can you tell me what happened?”

He felt her swallow, set her jaw. Her arms rose to wrap around his waist and her fingers laced together against the small of his back. He could feel her limbs still shaking and, though she felt like she was trying to hold on tight, her embrace was weak. “I had to go back.”

Kaidan took a deep breath, let it out in a long sigh and pulled back from her slightly. He peered down at her, still clinging desperately to his chest. Whatever had left her bloodied had also left her shell shocked and he felt a twinge of guilt pull at his heart strings for pushing too soon.

“Hey,” he whispered, “why don't we get you cleaned up? Let me take a look at that cut?”

When she didn't move, he slipped his hand between them, his fingertips finding her chin and he tilted her head so he could see her face. She dragged her eyes up to meet his and nodded meekly, reluctantly releasing the hold she had on his waist.

“Okay, good.” Kaidan rested his hands on her shoulders and gazed into her eyes; pools of glacial blue that usually held such life now frozen over, as if she wasn't really seeing him, as if she were somewhere else far away. He fought the urge to pull her into him again, to try to ground her in the here and now with him. But if he did that now, he knew, there would be no letting go. Instead, he let his hands slide down her arms and he gave her biceps a gentle, reassuring squeeze. “I'll be right back.”

For a moment she didn't move, she just stood in front of him, her eyes aimed at his chest, and Kaidan waited until she took the first step away before he allowed himself to leave the room. He padded across the mess to the med bay, hoping he was quiet enough not to wake anyone in the sleeper pods and avoid detection. The last thing he wanted was to draw attention to himself and Shepard; no one on board needed to know they were in her cabin together at this time of night, regardless the reason, nor would Shepard want anyone to see what condition she was in.

Kaidan knew Shepard had been in a gang as a kid, he had seen the embossed “R” on her shoulder, burned into her flesh when she was just barely a teenager. They had talked about the Reds a few times, never in detail, and more often than not she focused on tales of teenage rebellion and debauchery rather than the gang itself.

She had never mentioned Finch, had recoiled from him as if he were a snake about to strike when they happened upon him in the wards. She had never mentioned a Sara. She had never mentioned any names, now that he thought about it. Another twinge of guilt pulled at him; he should have paid more attention to the red flags in her stories, the questions she sidestepped, the details she left out. He shouldn't have let her just disappear with Finch like that. He should have insisted he go with her, he should have had her back. Kaidan sighed as he gathered the last of his supplies, exited the med-bay with his hands full of antiseptic solution and medi-gel. It was too late for should haves.

Back in her cabin, Shepard sat on the edge of her bed; she had removed her boots and she sat with her legs extended before her, her hands in her lap, her eyes cast down where she repeatedly balled her fingers into fists, then stretched them wide. Kaidan flicked on her desk side lamp and set his things beside her on the bed, then moved into position, taking a knee on the floor in front of her.

With the newly lit lamp, he could see her, really see her, for the first time since her return. Blood caked her hands completely and he captured them in his own, stilling her nervous movements as he looked them over. Her knuckles were raw, cracked and torn and scabbed; most of her fingers were swollen, a couple misshapen, and when he moved to palpate the many small bones in her hands, she hissed in pain. Kaidan glanced up at her beneath pinched brows, but again she avoided his gaze, her eyes darting around the room to look anywhere but at him.

Her avoidance made her look like a little kid who had been caught stealing and was about to be chastised. If Dr. Chakwas were in his place, Shepard would likely be getting an earful at the moment. But it was him, not Chakwas, and he was more worried about why her hands looked like she had put them through a meat grinder than scolding her for doing so.

As gently as he could, he tended to the wounds there; he wiped the blood from her skin, each nook and cranny between her fingers all the way up her wrists, cleaned each wound with antiseptic, and applied a generous amount of medi-gel. Throughout the process, neither said a word. Kaidan's mouth felt dry and his tongue felt thick, heavy with everything he wanted to say, everything he wanted to ask, but he remained silent and focused on his work, certain that if he could be patient enough, wait her out, she would speak when she was ready.

“Kaidan,” Shepard spoke barely above a whisper, “you...I don't...” Her voice quivered and petered out to nothing.

Kaidan paused, one of her hands still held in his, and looked up at her. She was looking at him now, finally, her eyes still wide with trepidation, her bottom lip pinched between her teeth. Everything about her in that moment was a contradiction; he could see it in her eyes, her need for him to stay intermingling with equal need to tell him to leave. The delicate flesh she held between her teeth was a button, clasping her mouth shut so she couldn't order him to do either. Within his hands, hers tensed, though he couldn't tell if she was preparing to lace her fingers with his or pull away.

“I'm not going anywhere, Shepard.”

She tilted her head back, her eyes lifting to the ceiling. “You say that now.”

He reached up to cup her cheek, his fingers curling gently around the back of her neck, and he pulled her face back down so he could see her face. “I mean it, Avory.”

Her eyes were brimming with tears again and she sucked in a sharp, tremorous breath.

“You wouldn't,” she closed her eyes and shook her head against his palm, “not if you knew everything.”

Kaidan felt his heart break, not just at the agony in her voice, but the conviction. He could hear it, plain as day, she truly did believe, without a doubt, that whatever she was hiding would drive him away. The admission felt like a slap to the face.

He had been behind her since day one; every order, every run in with Udina, every call to the Council, he believed in her. He may not have made the same choices, or employed the same methods, but he respected the hell out of her for making those calls, decisions no one else could make. She had offered him a way out after Toombs, after the Cerberus scientist she brutalized with vengeance, and still he stayed by her side. Kaidan had made his decision long ago; he would choose her every time, every day, no matter what.

“All due respect, Shepard,” his tone took on a sharper edge than he intended, but it proved effective in getting her to open her eyes and look at him once more, “you don't know that.”

And there her eyes stayed, locked steady on his face as he picked up the soaked rag and began to work on the laceration above her brow. It was superficial, but it was a bleeder, the proof of which had crusted over her eyebrow and dripped onto her cheek. Kaidan employed the same method of care to her forehead; remove blood, clean, apply medi-gel. They were quiet again, but this time he could feel her stare boring into him, constantly searching every feature, though for what he did not know.

When he was satisfied with the wound on her forehead and all blood removed from her face, he handed her the soaked rag, instructed her to hold it to her lip. She did as told without a word, much to his surprise, and he got to work cleaning up the remaining supplies. Her eyes didn't leave him as he moved around the room, and when he came to rest next to her on the bed, she still continued to stare.

“You look tired.”

“Don't worry about me, Shepard.” Kaidan reached behind him to cup the back of his neck with his palm, his fingers digging in to knead the tense ropes of muscle there. “I think I'm faring better than you are right now.”

His arm fell to his side and turned to look at her, pleased to find a small, sad smile pulling gently at the corners of her lips. There was gratitude in her eyes, a look he almost couldn't recognize on her features, but still her expression held such sadness, such foreboding. Kaidan knew there was nothing he could say to erase what happened in her dealings with the Reds, whether it happened in the past 24 hours or twenty years ago. All he could do was be there for her now, convince her somehow that he would not leave.

Kaidan slid his arm around behind her waist and pulled her into him, and she allowed herself to be snugged up against his side, her head falling to lay on his shoulder. Shepard usually ran hot, her flesh almost always flushed with heat and dewy with beads of sweat, but now, even so close to him, she felt cool and clammy.

Shepard shifted against his side and one of her hands found his knee, tentative and light against the fabric of his sweats. Kaidan stared down at where they connected, her flesh still bright red and angry, but clean, and waited. The way she picked nervously at the thick cotton material made his heart race; he knew she was close.

“I killed a lot of people before I joined the Alliance.” Her nervous picking paused, as did her breathing, and Kaidan focused on drawing deep, steady breaths, silently begging her not to stop, not this time. When he didn't flinch, she continued. “I don’t know how many. I stopped counting. But I didn't feel guilty, not like you did when you killed Vyrnnus. I...” she trailed off, drew in a deep breath, “At the time, I thought they deserved it and I was glad they were dead. I was glad I was the one who killed them. I still am.”

Her fingers began to move on his knee again, tracing invisible patterns there and tickling the skin beneath his sweats, but he didn't dare pull away. It was a pleasant feeling, having her absentmindedly draw on him; watching her fingertips move along his leg reminded him of the way she often traced her lips when she was deep in thought, somewhere to expend the nervous energy building inside of her. Kaidan unhooked his hand from around her waist and dragged his fingers up along her spine, delighting in the way she shivered at his touch, and cradled the back of her neck. He gave a gentle squeeze, encouragement to keep going, silent confirmation that he was still there, that he always would be.

“That's how I got this scar,” she lifted her head from his shoulder, gazed up at him beneath thick lashes, and tapped at the jagged pink line that undercut her right eye, “from one of them. And the woman responsible for it all...” another deep breath and she laid her head back on his shoulder, her fingers stilled on his knee, “I almost killed her today. I wanted to.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I should have.”

Now it was Kaidan's turn to make his hands busy, and he stroked the back of her head and neck, following the thick bundle of hair all the way down to between her shoulder blades. “Why didn't you?” He kept his voice neutral, soft, continuing his soothing of her hair over and over.

“She made a better example if I left her alive.”

A chill started in Kaidan's knee, where her hand suddenly felt like fire and shot up through his spine, into his brain where he felt his mind freeze over. For a brief eternity, Kaidan couldn't think, couldn't even begin to try to piece together the details of her story to make any sense. All he could do was stroke her hair, try to breathe. Inhale, exhale.

Even after what she had done to the scientist they found with Toombs, Kaidan had understood why Shepard lost her temper; most probably would after finding the group responsible for the slaughter of their entire unit. He would have done things differently, but he understood. And the way she had behaved after, tearing apart the cargo hold in a fit of rage, he had thought he had seen regret there. He had seen remorse in her eyes. At the time he had thought it was because she had killed the man, tortured him, but now...maybe she just regretted he had died before she was through with him.

“That's what I told Finch, anyway, because that's what he'll tell the Reds.” Shepard shifted again against his shoulder and he felt his breath hitch, for a second fearful that she would look up at him and see the turmoil etched in his features, but she didn't look at him. “They don't work like the rest of the world. Dying for the Reds is an honor, makes you some kind of shitty street hero. But, I...she was still there, doing the same fucked up shit she was thirteen years ago. And so was I. And I just...I didn't want to anymore.”

Kaidan felt her chest rise as she took in a deep breath and she pushed herself up off his shoulder. This time she did look at him and when he looked in her eyes, they were so troubled, so full of sorrow, of a heartache so deep he thought he might drown there.

“I thought about that scientist and how killing him did nothing, just another dead body for no fucking reason. And I thought about what you said...about all this old stuff tearing me up. You were right.”

Shepard took the inside of her bottom lip between her teeth again and he saw her chin quiver for just a second before he couldn't hold back anymore. Kaidan turned so his whole body faced her and slipped his arms around her back, pulling her into him, completely engulfing her in his arms. She let out a small surprised squeal, but she settled into him, allowing herself to be held up against his chest, her face buried in his neck. For the time being, he imagined he was as happy as she that they couldn’t see each other’s faces.

His mind raced to process what she had just shared with him. Searching for information on Shepard before she joined up had proved to be as fruitful as trying to find God in the Milky Way. Though there were plenty of rumors, and Kaidan had heard them all. That Shepard was a government experiment, trained from birth to be a super soldier. That she had been raised by krogan, fought vorcha for fun. That she had killed a man with her bare hands before puberty. For years, he had laughed at the ridiculous stories people crafted in lieu of facts. Now, he wondered how close to the truth some of them had gotten.

Then, he wondered not how many people she had killed before the Alliance, but under what circumstances a child would murder anyone to begin with. Kaidan was a teenager himself when he killed Vyrnnus, and whether it was an accident or not, it had taken years of abuse to build the white hot rage which had exploded that day. For Shepard to have lost count of her victims before turning eighteen…

Questions surged to the forefront of his mind, the desire to probe for more information, for an explanation, crashed over him. Multiple times, words rushed to the tip of his tongue: why, how, when? Who was the woman responsible for it all? How many of Shepard’s other scars came from her victims? What could the Reds possibly have done to a little girl to turn her into a murder? And how in the hell did someone with such a muddled past grow into the amazing woman resting against him now?

The thought hit Kaidan like a freight train. Regardless of how she had grown up, what she had done as a kid, how she spoke about herself like she was this cold, unfeeling killing machine, Kaidan knew differently. He saw how she took care of the crew, working out of sight and after hours, refusing to take credit for all the things she did for them, for all the things they accomplished under her leadership. He had repaired the plumbing on Feros under direct order from her, while she staved off invading geth.

Frequently, she chalked up her actions to duty, just doing what needed to be done because no one else would, or could. She tried to convince him and everyone else that her motivation came from a place of disdain for other people not being able to handle their own affairs, but no one threw themselves on a grenade for people they cared nothing about.

Kaidan held her tight until he could feel her erratic heartbeat slow to a steady pace, and their breathing nearly synchronized, coming in deep, calming breaths. Finally, he pulled away just enough that he could see her face, tipped up at him now with heavily lidded eyes. He took a deep breath, felt his stomach grow warm with admiration. He didn’t need to know Shepard’s entire past to know who she was now.

“That's what you were so afraid to tell me this whole time? Shepard, I...look, I'm with you. Until the end.” Once more, Kaidan brought his hand up to cup her neck, his fingers hooked around the back of her neck, his thumb softly stroking the smooth skin just in front of her ear, dipping below her jawline. “When I say I'm not going anywhere, I mean it. Okay?”

Shepard nodded up at him, a shadow of doubt still cast over her features.

“Besides, I could get used to you telling me I'm right.” Kaidan cracked a grin.

Shepard snorted a laugh, but the stretching of her lips caused the split there to crack open and she hissed in pain, snaking her hand up to hold the tear in her bottom lip. “Damn it, Alenko.” She cursed against the back of her hand, but he could hear the humor in her voice. “Don't let it go to your head.”

Kaidan let out a quiet chuckle and leaned back, pulling Shepard down onto the bed with him. “No promises.”

Time slowed to a standstill as they lied there, wrapped in each others arms on her bed. This was the closest they had been so far, the most open Shepard had ever allowed herself to be. And there, lost in deep pools of gun metal, the feel of her pressed against him, the smell of her, grapefruit and mint still lingering despite the musty scent of her sweat and another's blood still flaked on her arms. Kaidan didn't want to ever leave. And as he watched her eyes search his, scan over every feature of his face, and as he felt her fingertips begin to trace distracted circles on the small of his back, he suspected she didn't want time to start again either.

Unfortunately, time was not a luxury they had.

“You should probably sneak out of here before everyone starts waking up.” Shepard offered, her voice just barely above a whisper, as if she were afraid someone outside their haven might hear.

Kaidan nodded his head, “Yeah, I uh, I guess I should.”

For another breath, neither moved. Kaidan savored the last few seconds he had lying next to her and then, begrudgingly, removed his arms from around her and pushed himself upright and off the bed. She sat up as well, propped up on elbows and he could feel her eyes still on him as he forced himself to head for the door.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said, “you know that's not everything. You might still want to run away.”

Looking back at her over his shoulder, his hand hovering over the door control, he almost laughed. The sight of her made his heart skip a beat and at that moment, he would have given nearly anything for the opportunity to climb back onto that bed and stay wrapped up in her arms for the next 48 hours. He was in too deep to run away.