#cryingcritter

When I would gain back after doing insane crash d1etș or things I knew were wrong, I would get irrationally angry, but it was all from the disorder. It would go away as I began to recover.

But this feels entirely different. I've never felt so defeated and disappointed in myself. I spent way, way too much time strengthening my body and learning to enjoy excercise and finding truly healthy eating habits to just... give up and slip back into old habits for the sake of comfort. I know when you're juggling a lot with a chronic illness some ball has to drop, but jesus christ does it always have to be my body? Does it always have to be the one thing I can't just get over?

I have a week long lake trip coming up at the beginning of September to celebrate by 21st birthday. My family and partner will all be staying in a cabin with me. I'm super excited! But man. I had plans. Outfits to wear, visions of getting blitzed and having fun and knowing i would bounce back after. But I'm having a terrible flare up that's left me tired, in pain, covered in psoriasis patches and back up to my starting weight from January of 2025. It's exhausting and I'm heartbroken.

I'd even been patient. Didn't buy new clothes until I had maintained the lower w31ght for a month or two. Only for it to aaaall come crashing down and leave me right back where I started, in clothes that don't fit and skin that feels wrong on my body.

I know I can get back to where I was, with healthier habits that will not only help my w3ight but are HUGELY helpful in managing my psoriatic arthritis. The medditeranean style dïêt I was doing + working out 3-5 times a week FINALLY had me feeling the way I believe normal, well people feel. And I threw it away because I wanted to binge and drink and muffle the stress in my brain.

My partner and I have decided that we're going to put off looking for a house until we feel like we will still have a savings cushion post down-payment. It's given me some clarity and room to breath. Having a house would not be worth it if we are then stressing about money constantly and living on a painfully strict budget to reinstate our savings.

Blah. I'm just complaining. It was going okay but I was kayaking on the river with my family this past weekend and there were so many lovely fit girls with pretty thigh gaps and toned tummies and tanned skin and I just felt like this fat pale blob covered in nasty red flaky skin patches and greasy half grown out dyed hair. It's so humiliating to look back and know, 100%, that I was miles more beautiful when I was 16/17 than I am at 20, despite having significantly better access to better skincare, haircare, makeup, clothes... everything i need and yet here I am, looking like I've already given up because aparently my general quality of life is not as important to me as three glasses of wine and a pint of ice cream.

I ordered a new swimsuit for the lake trip, because the one I have it better for lounging than really swimming. I started out good this morning and have been slowly getting back into a better excercise routine, though its only been about twice a week during May. I'm going to do my best and hope I can lose 10-15 lbs in the next two months. I can do that on a reasonably strict d1êt without... y'know.

FUCK that man he SUCKED why on earth would you give me the nice parts??? "Hey remember when-" NO. I DO NOT WANT TO REMEMBER. HELLO????

WELCOME TO THE

☆CRITTERAGE!☆

A little about me:

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A little bit about me: