#crumbsofme

to be human is to be guilty.

god first, parents second. where do i fall on the list of ones to love?

i wanted to be a nun, once, but nuns can't be mommies, too.

i wanted to be my mom for a good few years. convinced myself my favorite color was hers. it took me years to figure out what my real favorite color was (green but not lime green or neon green and orange i love rust i love burnt orange and brown those are my top three).

i don't really have many favorites, though. too indecisive. dropped out of high school because of it. the anxiety. of not knowing what to do with myself, my future. not knowing what i wanted.

still don't.

i think i just have perpetual guilt. that's my biggest fight. fighting myself to be able to fight for myself. currently losing but bitch am i trying. a little. i need to try harder.

need to face the scary the uncomfortable the bad

i need to care for me. i need to care about me. i need to ask myself

what do i want how do i get it what am i going to do about it

and fucking go for it fucking try fuck failure fuck rejection just live and cry and try again who cares carly who cares and

i destroy myself for not being able to save the world. i'm scared of phone calls still. i sent a few emails and received either no response or pathetic infuriating "war is bad but allies good!!".

i donated a 1000 dollars to a family over a few months and am currently avoiding insta messages because i need to save up and i need to care for myself and to prioritize me and my own needs is a shameful thing too and i avoid i avoid shame i avoid feeling bad and all that avoidance makes me feel bad anyway

i wish i had a different brain i wish my parents parented differently i wish my siblings were my friends growing up or now and i wish i cared for myself more. i wish i knew what i want. i wish i wasnt afraid of life. i wish i could care for myself without feeling guilty that other people don't have the means or safety to do the same.

i punish myself for my luckiness. i don't enjoy my luck. i don't think i deserve good things. i think im the worst person in all of humanity history the fucking universe and how sad

how sad am i how pathetic and how lame

and how sad pathetic lame of me to say that write that think that

about myself