#crumbling-feather

I’ve been staring at strawberries recently

Looking from afar

I got that urge to eat and I slowly

Grabbed onto the bowl of fruit on my lap

I’m learning to chew

I’m learning to digest

I’m learning to eat again

Although I never really knew

I’m ready to learn for you even though I barely know

You

I smell like rotten fruit but at least

The vomit on the floor has been cleaned by me

I stand carefully next to the toilets

I bite onto the strawberry and it tastes good

Maybe have I always liked them after all ;

The fear causing me to imagine disgust

My stomach hurts but it is bearable

And even if I puke there is always a bowl

unamed

Bleat

Reeking Perfume

Human

Flower

A Bowl of fruit on my lap

do you hear it too?

the tape

its reaching

its screeching

in the quiet night, when breathing is audible

the tape. i tape it to my thigh. i pull it slowly but still

it cries it cries it cries

I'll continue to bleat

Even in the dark of my room, under my fluorescent cover

I've never felt pure enough for our God

Which is why it's not mine anymore.

My perfume smells like mint, with an underlying smell of vomit

Scars permanently etched onto the skin of my fingers

From when I scratched so deeply in my throat

Crawling at this cave trying to empty it of its oil

The flavor of rotten food lingers

My body will always know what I did

Selfishness is intrinsical to the human species

We dismember flowers to keep their beauty ours

We condemn birds from flying in the sky, jealous of their wings

I was jealous of yours

You flew so grandly, despite being in my cage

You chanted so freely, to stop my cries

When I freed you, you begged to stay

After so many years, you finally opened your wings to fly away

As tears ran down my cheeks, you flew over the wind

You were the flower in my vase

Dying in front of me

I was the spider

You were the caterpillar stuck in my web

When I let go you became a magnificent butterfly

And I deserve the pain you never afflicted

And I wish I, for once, could be the bug in your web

And perhaps am I untrustworthy, things are all mixed up

I may be a liar, but that's not intentional, for it hurts me too

I am so very grateful for you existance

Yet, I ruined you

Guilt is rotting my damned soul

I don't want to ever be forgiven

For I will never be deserving of such a merciful act

And I hope that, from above, watching my raw skin get burned in hell will calm all of your pains

Selfishness is intrinsic to human nature

Rose, sunflower, dandelion

Any kind

Violet, belladonna

I’ll wait for it to grow

After planting the seed. But

I’ll refuse to water it

Sitting cross-legged in front of

The clay pot

Admire the green of its leaf

How could it photosynthetize without water ?

I’ll wait for it to grow. But

The petals are falling to my feet

And the tears running down my cheeks are

Just enough to keep it alive

Empty vase on my desk

Full watering can on the floor

Trembling hands as I grab onto it

And I collapse to the ground

Wet flooring, wet clothes, wet eyes

Drowing, the flower is rotting

The pot breaks from my resonance.

All is left is echo. And

Laying on my couch, a bowl of fruit on my lap

I realize something, I don’t like stawberries

I always thought I did, everyone else does

But eating a strawberry’s useless, an emotionally wrecking trap

It tastes good, but the feeling doesn’t last

I only end up yearning more. Vomiting in the middle of digestion

Bits and chews on the floor

An heterogeneous stew. pink, green, yellow

liquid, solid. small, big

It’s a dangerous mix, it burns the skin

I lick it off the floor, my tongue is melting

I apologize to the strawberry, it didn’t deserve this

I sweep the floor, no traces left. I grab my bowl and pick another one

It’s red, standing ripe and proud

I carefully lead it to my mouth, gently biting down on it

Everything is good. It is so very tasty

The strawberry slides down my throat, dives down my stomach

A few moments later, I collapse to the ground. The same scene

Repeating over and over again

I just want one single strawberry ; but my body refuses me

I ruin every strawberry I touch. Yet I still crave more

I pick one up from the bowl. Maybe is it the one ?

And the cycle goes round and round

It never stops. Strawberry after strawberry

More vomit on the floor. Gastric liquid everywhere

I should go see a doctor. My stomach can’t support strawberries anymore

It never did. I have to be honest

My body hates strawberries, yet it craves it so much,

I realize. But can you realize something