#crisismode

Whether it’s a bachelor party prank or a just-in-case travel stash, the Emergency Underpants bring both laughs and logic. You never know when you’ll need a fresh pair! 👉 Check out how they work (and why they’re real): https://omgthingz.com/emergency-underpants

Its been awhile, but im still here. Just...

Life has been anything but cruisy. On the outside we would seem like a happy little family who has it all. The reality is, I'm worse than ever before. I thought I would get stronger since trying to heal myself but I feel like I'm only making it worse. Surely there is a bright side to all this darkness. I've lost myself completely and despite having the most beautiful girls ,I cant stop the thoughts of just succumbing.

I nearly lost one parent to a monster who tried to take their life and leave them with scars they will never heal from. Jumping from one lover to the next in hopes of filling the space that they was meant to fill themselves. God, that sounds dirty, its not intended that way i can assure you.

The other parent is stuck in their old ways. Too dependent on making sure their partner is happy to make themself happy. Looking in from the outside, it would seem that they don't care, the new family is all that matters now. I know that to not be true but it still stings when I'm the one constantly making the effort to avoid a war of words. My siblings are their own worst enemies. One is identical to our mother, who plays the victim and relies on the need to feel loved by others. The other craves love but on their own terms. Believing that they are not good enough to attract the right person. And here I am, trying to get through it day by day, no support apart from my best friend who also shares similar struggles. We share common pain and I believe that's why we care so much for each other. We understand. I'm in a loveless marriage, my husband gets his thrills from sneaking around my back and if, what I think is going on is truly happening, he may be fathering an additional child that sure as hell isn't with me. We're pretty much just room mates at this stage. We barely talk or touch and I snap at him at the drop of a hat. He makes me feel like what I do is never good enough, he's very manipulative and patronising, gaslighting me at any opportunity. I'm not sure if it truly is him or if its a cycle of paranoia that my childhood trauma has caused me to have. Either way, it sucks balls. Add in a large amount of debt, trying to run multiple businesses and keep everyone alive, its truly a recipe for disaster. My resentment towards him for my misery is growing everyday, yet I still cant leave. I'm not ready yet.

My girls are incredible, I feel so bad for them however. I yell at them all the time and get so irritated with them. But I know that's not their fault, they are children who need to be taught how to love and heal themselves from any trauma I may leave them. I'm trying my hardest not to but the world is not perfect and I'm far from it. So polite, well behaved and smart. I cant handle the thought of being the one to ruin that for them.

I've been to a doctor to for some help, apparently all I need is to schedule some time for some self care. That could well just be the answer, but its not that easy when your whole world relies on you. Plus, if I got some self care, do you really think I'd need the fucking doctor? I'm sure there's something physical going on, ADHD, hormonal imbalance, low cortisol. Maybe my mental health is manifesting physically. I don't know, I'm not the doctor here. All I do know is something ain't right and no matter what I do, I cant get the help I need.

It seems like I only ever post here when shit gets rough. Well, its never been rougher and this ship is sinking fast. Until the next crisis...