#crazykeeping

gender is stressful. my dad doesn't like coffee so growing up in my family coffee was feminine-coded and now i'm convinced everyone will know i'm Not Cis bc i'm holding a coffee cup. like not that i have longish hair and no facial hair and pink glasses and i'm not binding

i know i'm doing worse bc i'm doing that thing where if someone is being bothered by something i respond like "ok but i would just Not Be Bothered" bc my brain is in the mode where it does an automatic [bounces off any bothersome content it encounters and refuses to absorb it] so like Why Would You!!!

i guess the antipsych posts i see about scrupulosity seem to presume that it’s a mental process that WOULD make people more ethical agents — i.e., accurately attuned to their moral position in the world as a whole, albeit perhaps debilitatingly aware of it — if they just allowed it to run unfettered. and maybe that’s true like 10% of the time? but if it were just ‘existential hyper-awareness’ i wouldn’t even like, complain about having this disorder or call it one! in my experience the worst things about it are: (1) makes it extremely difficult to tell whether i am responsible for literally anything that has happened or will happen, ever; (2) collapses the intensity of all actions so they all hold the exact same moral weight, e.g., liking the wrong post is exactly as bad as killing a person; (3) prevents me from taking almost any meaningful action because i am convinced that anything i do down to breathing is going to hurt or kill someone. This is very different from like, understanding how supply chains work and the role my consumption of coffee plays in global inequalities; my ocd makes it *much harder* for me to think clearly about things like that.

omg ok currently hanging on to reality by my fingertips