schizoid embolism

stuck with a drive that is adjacent to sex drive but is for sort of being coy and flirtatious and bantering with someone euphemistically in a transatlantic accent. which crucially most of the time i Can Not Do, like when i try it comes out completely insane or like i am being mean or something. i think this is the closest thing i have to a phantom limb transspecies situation but the species is ‘socially skilled human’. and crucially it’s not quite a sex drive bc i could hook up w someone but without the preceding/surrounding conceit it would not make sense or sate the desire. demisexual not for being in love per se but for a tracy/hepburn situation. do Not show your children primarily old movies

can't really describe what's going on w me without getting into shit that's decidedly too personal for Online (despite everything i DO tell tumblr) so i'm just kind of. [mournful eridian honk]

do any of the gays in my head who can initiate spontaneous action want to get the grouchy obligate bottom laid

J said they probably assigned so many kids sadako and the thousand paper cranes in US public elementary schools in the 90s to push a soft 'nuclear disarmament for kids' agenda, and i was like ohh yeah i definitely got the message, i have been extremely NO NUKES since childhood, it worked on me and i'm glad. and he was like ok but what most kids got from it was just that you have to make a lot of origami cranes. well i got that from it too, i'm not a fool. when i was 9 my mom's entire office was engaged in folding 1000 cranes for her coworker who had melanoma. we never got to 1000 and she died. so there's no way to know if the cranes would've worked or not.

i hate being in charge i hate giving instructions i hate having to correct or train someone i hate even being in a position to do these things

trying to figure out whether the alter who watches northernlion is male or nonbinary so i know how i slot into his 'dismal female viewership' statistics