#cranmerhall

Before a person considering ordained ministry is sponsored for a Bishops’ Advisory Panel (BAP) where their vocation is explored, there is a process of ‘discernment’ whereby somebody thinking about ordination tests out their calling in various ways. We might think of discernment as a lone process and very personal to the individual (which it is), but it is often shaped by those around the person, who provide critical support and encouragement. Discerning can be scary, confusing and overwhelming, but with supportive people by our side we are never alone in exploring God’s call.

‘Mary said “Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word”’ (Luke 1:38)

Rachel Phillips tells the story of her Discernment:

“Over the last 15 months I have been discerning a calling to ordained ministry. This came as a huge surprise to me as I’ve only been a Christian for three years, having had a completely unexpected faith experience in Afghanistan whilst serving in the British Army. Following my first tentative steps into Christianity there, where ‘church’ was in a tent or shipping container, I began preparing for my confirmation. It was during this service in November 2014, only minutes after I made a commitment to live the rest of my life for Christ, that the Bishop delivered his sermon. It was when he recounted his own calling, that I became uncomfortably aware that my whole life had been preparing me for God in this way. I had little notion of what being a priest entailed, and only a handful of negative and unrealistic preconceptions of what vicars should ‘look like’ and how they should be. I felt I didn’t fit the mould at all, and that, combined with my relatively new and young faith made me wonder why I would be called at all. And yet the message was very clear to me. I felt I had to be obedient and at least see the process through until I was told’ no.

I told my husband immediately, who after the initial shock, was incredibly supportive. His concerns were practical (financial) but the concept sat very well with him. He believed in me, if not in God, and for him that was enough. I then contacted his friend, Padre Justin Bradbury, who had very recently married us. I told him how I felt and to my surprise he also recognised a calling and we talked about what to do next. I also confided in a close friend with whom I was living at the time, and had served with in Afghanistan. We knew each other inside out, and hearing that she also fully recognised my calling, was very reassuring. In time I became more comfortable with the idea, but still suffered from regular periods of doubt and ‘imposter’s syndrome’!

I kept wondering how and why I had been chosen and felt ill-prepared. I found thinking about Mary’s calling and her response to the Angel Gabriel was very helpful. What was asked of her was so much harder, more overwhelming and ultimately more painful than anything that was being asked of me. She just got on with it, and I felt I should get over myself and get on with it too! When I think of Jesus, I think of a strong, determined, driven and compassionate young man. When I worry about my future and when I waiver, I see Him kneeling by my side in prayer, and He gives me a stern look and a nod that says it all. I actually don’t have a choice if I keep my promise to live my life for Him. Reading about Jesus Christ’s ministry reminds me of my obedience and refocuses my mind.

In order to test my calling, I felt I must make a significant commitment, and not do anything by half measures. I promptly left the Army and was offered a place as an Undergraduate at Cranmer Hall studying Theology, Ministry and Mission. I began preaching in November at my local Church, Holy Trinity in Darlington, which for such a new and inexperienced Christian was very daunting. I have preached several times since and Nick and Lynda at my church have agreed to me continuing to do so once a month. Furthermore, as part of my Mission module I have been sent out on a 24-hour mission in a city centre with no provisions, money, food or shelter (a cold but enlightening experience!) and I have thrown myself into my theology studies. I’m doing all I can to test my vocation.

I have found a real passion for preaching, and am greatly influence by my exceptional preaching lecturer at Cranmer Hall, Revd Kate Bruce. Being at theology college has exposed me to so many clergy and ordinands and has helped me to see what a diverse bunch they are. It has helped me find my place and to not panic about such insignificant concerns about myself that I once had. I realise that it’s absolutely fine that a real-ale loving, rugby playing, tattooed, Army Officer extrovert absolutely can have a place in church leadership. My skills at stripping and assembling a rifle in lightning speed and my ability to deadlift colossal weights probably won’t be of much use in the church, but my varied and challenging life experiences around the world with the full spectrum of humanity in crisis, my deep love for people and their personal stories and my all-consuming desire to serve God certainly will.

The challenges I’ve faced so far have been mostly self-doubt about not being ‘holy enough’, but I plod on, having made a personal promise to keep on walking through those doors if they keep on opening. I must trust the older and wiser people around me who are certain of my vocation, and to work hard on my prayer-life. The obvious external challenge has of course been financial, and also the possibilities of a certain kind of future that I have given up. I only need to consider what Christ gave for us to be renewed in my determination to see out this calling, wherever it may lead. Of course there’s huge risk in what I have done, considering I have not yet been to the Bishop’s Advisory Panel, but I felt I had to believe in myself before anyone else would, so it had to be this way.

God has provided me with a welcoming and endlessly supportive church community who encourage me on my journey and give me very useful feedback along the way. In particular, my husband has shaped my response to my calling. He has been patient and reassuring and never misses a Sunday service, despite not being a Christian. Without his support, this would not be possible.”

- Here is Nick Barker’s (Archdeacon of Auckland and Priest in Charge of Holy Trinity Church, Darlington) perspective on finding his own Vocation:

“Ministry has been enormously rewarding and fun. The resurrection of Christ is materially clear from the evidence. But it stands at the interface between this life and eternity. The oddness of events and lack of recognition by others evidence the mystery which is necessary, for heaven lies beyond the categories of the world we comprehend. Therefore hope in that which we cannot see always drives me forward.”

-  Here is Dr Kate Bruce’s (Deputy Warden and Tutor in Homiletics, Cranmer Hall, Durham University) perspective on finding her own Vocation:

“The rewards of living this calling have been immeasurable. To preach a sermon and know you have the congregation with you as we wrestle honestly with scripture is brilliant. I particularly enjoy listening to others exploring the question of their vocation. It is great to see people growing in confidence and realising leadership potential. I enjoy taking part in vocations conferences, seeing people develop through training and encouraging them to be themselves and trust God. The main challenge is that this is demanding work. No wonder then, that in the liturgy of ordination the Bishop reads these words:

“You cannot bear the weight of this calling in your own strength, but only by the grace and power of God. Pray therefore that your heart may daily be enlarged and your understanding of the Scriptures enlightened. Pray earnestly for the gift of the Holy Spirit.”