#crackz

Sebastian rolled over, his mind still dazzled by the sleep he’d just had. He sighed when his eyes met Jesse’s body. “Normal people smoke a cigarette after sex, my boyfriend reads a book.” Jesse huffed and let one hand stroke about Sebastian’s chest. “You love that about me.” "Yeah, I do.", Sebastian smiled and leaned over to kiss Jesse’s lips. His whole body rolled over when Jesse put his book aside and placed his hands on Sebastian’s hips. "I love—", Sebastian started but was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. "It’s 4am, fucking hell.", Jesse groaned and let off Sebastian. The younger boy rolled over again and reached out for his pants. Pulling out his phone, he saw the blue sign of Skype. “My mum.” "Bas, your hair totally gives away that you’ve just had sex; you’re not gonna—" Sebastian didn’t let him finish and clicked an the accept button.

Another two weeks passed by, Sebastian didn’t hear anything from Jesse again. Holidays would take place soon and Sebastian would be on his own in the dorm again.

Since he hadn’t anything better to do, Sebastian headed to the nurse’s room. Lith should’ve been working.

“Hi.”, he said when he entered the room, regret filling his mind. He actually was the worst friend ever, wasn’t he?

Lith looked up from the book she was reading and stared at him for some time. Her eyes didn’t look angry or sad but curious. “Today’s Saturday.”

Sebastian nodded and sat down. “Yep.”

“You’re never here on Saturdays.”, Lith stated and eyed him.

“Thought I should visit my best friend once.”, Sebastian shrugged. “I’m sorry.”

For a while Lith didn’t say anything but stared at him. “Okay, what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”, he answered and did his best to seem surprised.

“You look sad. Did you two have a fight?”, Lith asked. When Sebastian didn’t answer she sighed. “C’mon, something’s wrong and it probably is about your boy. I’ve been in love myself once.”

Sebastian’s mouth fell open. “We’re— I’m— I’m not in love with him.”

Lith raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “Yes, you are. You probably didn’t notice but, Sebastian, you fell for that boy. Hard.”, she explained. “You’re the happiest right before and after you meet him. I guess you’d prefer to stay with him.”

Sebastian snorted. But then— “I’m sorry.”

“What for? That you didn’t spend that much time with me because you only feel interested in one person right now?”

“That I never showed actual interest in you.”, Sebastian went on. “I didn’t know you’ve been in love. To be honest, I only know you are a nurse, you are a lesbian and you like to party.”

“There’s not much more.”, Lith laughed. “Really.”

“Then you can tell me. If you want, I mean.”, Sebastian added when he remembered how he felt about telling his story.

“When I came out, my parents sent me away and I had to look how to live by myself. Luckily I had already been off age by then and had actual opportunities.”, Lith said.

“What about.. um, her?”

Lith’s face lid up. “Her name was Frannie. Her hair was as gold as the sun and her eyes were… wow. She also loved books and her body… you wouldn’t know what to do with this information.”, she smiled. “We were together but one day she said I was not the one she was looking for and we broke up. Had a nice time, though.”

“What did it feel like when you were with her?”, Sebastian thought about what Lith had said about him and Jesse earlier.

“Completely different. In the moment we were together it was like… nothing else was in the world. Call that cliché.”, Lith said and actually blushed. “When she wasn’t around, I couldn’t keep her off my mind.”

Sebastian nodded, not sure what to say.

“And since it’s the same with you and Jesse, I guess you like him pretty much.”, Lith said after a while. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but you shouldn’t ruin your luck before it actually got to happen.”

“He’d tried to participate in something that was none of his business.”, Sebastian replied casually.

“I could have said my past was none of your business, too.”, Lith said.

Sebastian cocked an eyebrow. “Do you think I should apologize? Because there’s no way that’s gonna happen.”

Lith shrugged. “Your decision. But don’t make yourself sadder than you need to be.”

“Thanks.”

-

During the next week Sebastian found himself getting more and more interested in other people. Mostly he wanted to know if other people also had such struggles to tell their story like he did.

“Trent, can I ask you something?”, he said one evening.

Both of the boys were lying on their beds. Trent had been listening to some music on his iPod and Sebastian had been reading.

The smaller boy took out his earphones and sat up. “Hmm?”

“What happened to you? That you have this… you know.”, Sebastian made an empty gesture into the room. “You don’t have to tell me, though.”

“I’ve always been bullied, you know. I mean… well, look at me.”, Trent started.

“Trent—”

“No, that’s a fact. Anyway, when I came out things got even worse and I was bullied so much I actually got ill – and then my parents decided I should go to Dalton. That’s it.”, Trent said and shrugged. “Others have had it worse, I guess.”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow.

“You know, Jeff for example.”

“What’s with Jeff?”, Sebastian wanted to know.

“You don’t know? Well, Jeff’s an orphan. He says he was so young he doesn’t know anything about his parents. Still hard, I guess.”, Trent replied.

Again Sebastian tensed at the word ‘died’ but he didn’t get out of control. If that wasn’t a success. “Oh.”

“Nick on the other hand was bored at home and just wanted to experience something new. Not everyone has trouble.”

Something wasn’t right about that. “Did Jeff get adopted or… how does he pay for this… whole everything?”

“Scholarship.”

Sebastian nodded quietly.

Then he saw Trent grin at him. “Is Sebastian Smythe actually getting interested in his friends?”

“I am just collecting basic information. Guess that’s allowed after almost 2 years.”, Sebastian replied casually.

Trent shrugged. “Sure.”

-

The next week (holiday time!) Sebastian found himself in a situation he never thought he’d be in. There he sat, in the small colorful office that was Ms Sumers’s and faced her.

“Sebastian. Everything alright with your classes?”, the woman asked and eyed him.

Sebastian nodded. “That isn’t why I’m here. I actually… kinda lied to you.”

Ms Sumers raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. She wanted him to go on by his own.

“I… um, actually do know why my reaction is certain situations is so… bad.”, Sebastian explained. “It hurts me quite a lot and I don’t like to talk about it but I figured out that it’s not helpful in everyday-life and I guess… I need help.”

“I’m impressed. Not a lot of people figure things like that out by themselves.”, Ms Sumers answered.

“Well, actually it wasn’t me but a… very good friend.”

-

After his meeting with Ms Sumers Sebastian was quite exhausted and had thought of going into his room immediately but then he remembered he had promised Lith to visit her again. He’d thought that she – as his best friend – had a right to know about it aswell but actually telling Ms Sumers already had been very hard. In comparison to today the night he’d told Jesse had been a fluffy dream.

He wouldn’t tell Lith today but he should at least visit and inform her, shouldn’t he?

A sigh left his mouth when he entered the dormitory’s building again. He couldn’t wait to finally lie in his bed. The other boys were gone, there was nothing that could stop him from that.

Well, that’s been his plan until he arrived at Lith’s office. She didn’t sit there alone. Next to hair was a brown-haired boy, his hair coiffed up like it normally was at special occasion.

The moment he saw the other boy, Sebastian’s mouth fell open. “Oh.”

Then: silence. Jesse and Sebastian stared at each other, not saying anything. Their faces didn’t show any expressions – well, at least Jesse’s didn’t and Sebastian tried his best to make his face do the same. But somehow Jesse looked like he was pretty exhausted, like he hadn’t slept for days.

“Ehm… Smythe, you’ve got a visitor.”, Lith laughed awkwardly.

Sebastian didn’t stop staring at Jesse. “Yeah, I can see that.”

Jesse was the first to break off. He shot a short look at Lith. “Lilith told me you had a meeting and that I could wait for you.”

“You did.”, Sebastian stated and crossed his arms in front of his chest. His eyes still were fixed on Jesse. After a month of not talking, he waited for more.

“I wanted to talk to you.”, Jesse said. “… In your room?”

Now Sebastian stopped looking at Jesse, instead he saw Lith giving him an encouraging smile. Eventually he sighed. “Fine.”

He didn’t wait for Jesse, though, he just started walking towards his room and expected the other boy to follow. When he entered his room, he didn’t sit down but turned towards the door, arms crossed again. Jesse had followed him and closed the door behind himself. He stopped in front of Sebastian and didn’t say anything.

“So…?”, Sebastian asked after a while.

“I’m sorry.”, Jesse answered quietly.

“You should be.”, Sebastian replied.

“I should not.”, Jesse’s voice was casual. “I only gave you an advice and did not force you to do something.”

“It was none of your business.”

“Don’t you get it?”, Jesse stepped forward. “You’re part of my business. I care and worry about you. That’s what friends do.”

“You have problems yourself, Mister.”

“I know. But I don’t have a solution for those. If you have an idea, tell me. I’m open for that.”, Jesse answered. “But I had an idea for you and I wanted to help you. As I said, I didn’t force you into something.”

“I did tell someone.”, Sebastian heard himself suddenly say. “My psychologist.”

Jesse’s face lid up. “you did?”

Sebastian nodded. “Eventually… I thought you were right. That doesn’t make it better either way.”

Jesse raised an eyebrow. “You’re acting like you don’t know anything about friendship, Sebastian. If you like someone you can’t actually not be interested in them.”

“I can.”

“I don’t think so.”, Jesse said sternly.

Sebastian snorted. “Anyway, if you wanted a debate, why didn’t you come around earlier?”

Jesse hesitated a moment. “I thought… maybe we could need a break…”

“What exactly do you mean?”

“You have training, you have glee, your university classes, your work at the homeless shelter and your normal school. Your timetable is full. Thought you should have some time for yourself or your friends.”, Jesse elaborated.

“Are you nuts?”, Sebastian asked and put his hands around Jesse’s wrists. “I see Trent on a daily basis. We share a room, he’s in my Spanish class and one of the Warblers. Nick and Jeff are Warblers and Jeff’s also in Lacrosse.” He stopped for a moment. Had he actually just considered the morons his friends? “The only one I actually neglected was Lith but she’s pretty cool with that.”

“We are quite dependent of each other.”, Jesse stated.

Sebastian shrugged. “I’m always looking forward to our meetings. They brighten my week. I don’t know what it’s like in your case but yeah, I guess we are.”

Suddenly Jesse’s face came nearer to Sebastian’s. Their lips met shortly – too short – and then he stepped back again. “I missed you.”, Jesse admitted.

“Didn’t miss you at all.”, Sebastian responded. Then he added: “Well, a bit. Wanna know what I missed the most?”

Jesse nodded and pulled Sebastian closer.

“Well, first of all… your hair.”, Sebastian stated and let a hand off one of Jesse’s wrists. He loosened a a few wisps of Jesse’s from the product and let his hand wander down a bit. It nestled against Jesse’s cheek. “The way your eyebrows move when you’re listening to the nonsense I’m talking about.”

“Not nonsense.”, Jesse commented but was stopped by Sebastian’s fingers that wandered over his face and stopped at his lips.

“I missed the brownish red of your lips and what they feel like.”, Sebastian continued and stroke with his fingertips over the soft flesh. He felt Jesse opening his mouth and licking over Sebastian fingertip. He took his finger from Jesse’s mouth and placed his hand on Jesse’s back. He pulled the other boy closer and pressed his lips onto the other pair. He moaned when both their lips drew apart and he could taste, no, feel Jesse’s smell. It had only been a month, but it had felt like years. Eventually they had to breathe, broke off the kiss. Jesse put his arms around Sebastian’s neck and Sebastian leaned his head against Jesse’s forehead. “And I missed you, yes.”, he finally ended.

Jesse’s lips brushed against Sebastian’s neck and let his hands wander down the taller boy’s body until he reached his waist. “Why are you wearing your uniform, though? It’s a Saturday.”

Sebastian shrugged “I like it.”

“You know what I like better?”

Sebastian chuckled. “If you’re about to say ‘nothing’, I’ll do something I’ll might regret later.”

Jesse huffed at that and let his hands play with Sebastian’s tie. Eventually he opened it.

Sebastian himself started to open the buttons of Jesse’s shirt and smiled at the sight of the other boy’s upper body. “God, I missed your nipples.”

Jesse stopped pampering Sebastian’s neck to put his hands down on his hips. “Sebastian Smythe?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Honesty. It’s your rule.”

“We also said no innuendos.”, Jesse mumbled.

“Did we ever care about that one?”

Instead of answering, Jesse let his hands wander down to Sebastian’s ass and let them rest there. He pressed his lips onto the other boy’s again. Sebastian had his hands going through Jesse’s hair again, completely freeing it from products. He felt Jesse’s hands go off his ass and rushing to his fronts to open the pants now.

Slowly Sebastian was getting impatient. As soon as Jesse had managed to open his pants Sebastian put them off somehow and led the other boy backwards to his bed. Jesse’s back hadn’t touched the bed sheets for too long when Sebastian was all over him, trying to kiss every inch of the body he’d missed for so long. He stopped at one nipple, kissed it, licked it, bit it. He loved the thought of that flesh harden up for him. Of course he knew that some other part of Jesse was probably reacting similar, but he tried not to think of it. After all, they had rules.

The beloved sound of Jesse’s moans, Jesse’s hands combing through his hair – all that should have kept him from stopping but after some time (Seconds? Minutes? Hours?) Sebastian crawled up to Jesse and placed another kiss on his lips, The arms that were placed around his waist immediately stopped him from rolling down form Jesse.

“Do you know how fucking proud I am of you?”, Jesse smiled after a while. “For telling your story.”

Sebastian narrowed his eyebrows. “Let’s not talk about that.”

“What shall we do then?”, Jesse asked.

Sebastian shrugged as good as it was possible in his position. “We could… watch a movie?”

“Sounds great.”, Jesse grinned and let off Sebastian so he could turn on the film.

-

The first thing Sebastian saw when he woke up the next morning was Jesse’s face watching him. He nuzzled his head back into his pillow – which turned out to be Jesse’s arm.

The older boy chuckled. “Morning.”

“Hi.”, Sebastian mumbled, eyes barely opened and the red of blood filling his cheeks. “How long have you been awake?”

“Dunno. Probably a few hours.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened in shock. “What? What time is it?”

“Dunno.”, Jesse grinned. “Wasn’t able to move.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”, Jesse laughed. “Did I ever mention you look cute when you sleep?”

Sebastian felt blood rushing into his cheeks while he sat up. “Um… no?” He took a look at his phone. 11am. “Oh god dammit.”

Jesse sat up now, too, and looked at him in a worried way. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah. Just… the boys come back today. That have been my holidays, woohoo.”, Sebastian answered with a monotone voice. “Also I think you should put on some clothes. Trent wouldn’t be pleased if he gets to know another boy slept here.”

Jesse raised an eyebrow. “I’m gonna meet your pals?”

“Let’s breakfast first.”

Jesse watched Sebastian walk over to his cupboard. “Hey, I know that jacket!”

Immediately Sebastian felt Jesse’s body behind his own, both their eyes at the grey vintage jacket that hadhung there for… how long? Nearly a year? “Uh, yeah… Forgot to give it back.”, Sebastian said with an awkward laughter.

Jesse huffed at that. “I don’t even think that looks good on you.”

Sebastian’s mouth fell open. “Excuse me? Maybe a bit displaced but everything is flawless on me.”

“Of course, if you say so.”, Jesse grinned. “So, can I borrow a shirt of yours?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Sure. You can also take that jacket.”

“Do you think that still fits me?”

“Dunno. I mean, you got bigger muscles but…”, realizing what he’d just said, Sebastian blushed.

“Aw, you’re cute.”, Jesse laughed and turned towards Sebastian’s clothes. “So… anything I’m not allowed to look at?”

“For god’s sake, Jess, just choose something.”, Sebastian rolled his eyes.

“Alright, alright.”

After a while Jesse finally chose Sebastian’s Lacrosse shirt from his old school that certainly would be too big for him, but Sebastian didn’t mind. While he chose something for himself, Jesse changed and Sebastian caught himself staring at the older boy every now and then. When he’d put on new clothes as well, he led Jesse into the dorm’s kitchen.

“So… We have”, Sebastian started and opened a cupboard. “Not much.”

In fact, inside of the cupboard stood a few groceries, bread and… tea.

“I forgot to tell Mr Sullington that we need new stuff.”, Sebastian said.

”Oops?”, Jesse made and shoved his shoulder against Sebastian’s. “I’m completely fine with marmalade by the way.”

Sebastian took the things out and put them onto the countertop. “There you go. I’m not gonna make a sandwich for you.”

“Not?”, Jesse pouted his lips.

“You’re in an oddly good mood, Mister St James.”, Sebastian reproved him.

“It’s relief to know that we’re okay again.”, Jesse admitted and took our some bread.

Sebastian didn’t answer anything. ‘Okay’. What did ‘okay’ mean? Because Sebastian did not feel okay. Since his conversation about Jesse with Lith, Sebastian had this odd feeling every time he thought about Jesse. Did he actually… develop a crush on the older boy?

When both of them had had their meal, Jesse asked what they were going to do now.

Sebastian shrugged. “Watch another movie, play something on the dorm’s Wii…”

“Yeah, let’s play something!”

They walked into the salon and when Sebastian turned on the Wii, he asked “What do we even play? Mario Kart, Just Dance, Super Smash Bro—”

“Just Dance? Pretty please?”

Sebastian grinned. He didn’t mind seeing Jesse’s hips in action at all. “Okay.”

They didn’t come that far, had just finished the first round of playing, when someone appeared in the doorway. Nick and Jeff.

“Uh, hello, Sebbo, and…”, Jeff started.

“… boy we don’t know.”, Nick ended.

“That’s… uh…”

“Jesse. Friend of Sebastian’s.”, Jesse introduced himself and went to shake the boys’s hands.

“I’m Nick.”

“Jeff.”

“Cute, Sebastian, you missed us so much, you got yourself a substitute!”, Nick grinned at which Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Go and bring your stuff into your room, morons.”

“We will.”, Jeff said. “But not because you told us to.”

When they left, Jesse grinned at Sebastian. “They seem nice.”

“You have no idea.”

“Ah, let’s see about that.”, Jesse replied. “Maybe they wanna join us?”

“Jess, no—”

“We’d love to.”, Nick, who’d just appeared in the doorway again, said.

“Yup, we would.”, Jeff agreed.

Jesse laughed. “Outvoted, Bas.”

Jeff won the next round, followed by Sebastian. Nick was the last place.

“I need something to drink.”, Jeff announced. “Anyone else?”

“We could play a drinking game.”, Nick suggested.

“On a Sunday.”, Sebastian said.

“With juice or something.”

“That’s not even remotely funny.”

“Sebastian, you don’t have to act like you hate us because your ‘friend’ is here.”, Jeff said. “Who’s pretty cool by the way.”

“I don’t just act like that, I actually dislike you.”

“You don’t.”, Nick gasped.

Jesse laughed. “You actually don’t. But… we could play truth or dare?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on, Sebbo.”

“I’ll keep them from doing some crap.”, Jesse whispered into Sebastian’s ear. “If I think something’s not okay, I’ll just say ‘stop’, okay?”

“I—”

“Sebbo!”

“Okay, fine!”, Sebastian sighed.

They sat down in a circle and the boys decided Jesse should start with asking. “Okay, um… Jeff. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

Jesse hesitated a bit. “Have you ever had sexual thoughts that included another boy?”

Jeff thought about it for a while. “Uh… yeah, I guess.”

Sebastian and Jesse whistled through their teeth.

“Okay, my turn.”, Jeff said. “Sebastian..”

“Fucking surprise.”

“Truth or dare?”

“Let’s start with… Truth.”

“Hmm… when did your first kiss take place?”

“Really? You go for that?”, Nick wanted to know.

“Couple of months ago.”, Sebastian answered.

Both the mouths of Jeff and Nick fell open. “What?”

Sebastian shrugged. “True story. Nick, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss Jeff.”, Sebastian grinned.

“I don’t—”, Jesse started but cut himself off.

“Sorry to do that, Jeff, but I’m gonna smack my lips into your face now.”, Nick took Jeff’s face into his hands.

Jeff rolled his eyes, pulled Nick closer and shortly touched Nick’s lips with his own. “Tadaa.”

“Nice one.”, Nick commented mockingly. “New lipstick?”

“And you actually protested when I said you were a couple.”, Sebastian said.

“Jesse, truth or dare?”, Nick wanted to know.

“Truth.”

Nick didn’t have to think about his question for too long. “What Jeff and I have been thinking about the whole time… Jesse, are you straight?”

“Uff…”, Jesse made. He didn’t reply at once. “Uh… No, I guess not.”, he replied after a while which made a warm feeling spread out inside Sebastian’s chest. “Truth or dare, Nick?”

“Truth.”

“Your favourite sport?”

“Really?”, Sebastian commented. “You choose that question?”

“You try and think of a better one.”, Jesse replied.

“Basketball.”, Nick answered. “Sebastian—”

“Truth.”

“Awesome!”, Nick grinned. “Sebastian, why did you have to transfer to Dalton?”

Sebastian’s face went blank.

“Stop.”, Jesse said.

“What ‘stop’?”, Jeff repeated.

“Sebastian doesn’t want to answer that question and I’d say he doesn’t have to.”

“Maybe I didn’t want to kiss Jeff.”

“Sorry, boys.”, Jesse got up. “Let’s go into your room, Bas.”

When they entered his room, Sebastian smiled at Jesse. “Thank you.”

“Ah, I told you I’d stop them.”, Jesse grinned.

Sebastian pulled Jesse closer and placed a short kiss on his lips.

“How come I didn’t get one of those earlier?”, Jesse asked.

Sebastian chuckled. “Maybe you hadn’t deserved one.”

Jesse went for another kiss, this time a longer one. Their tongues fought with each other until one of them eventually had to breathe.

“Also I missed your tongue.”, Sebastian commented.

“How about you miss it for another week?”, Jesse snorted.

Sebastian cocked an eyebrow in question.

“Gotta go.”, Jesse explained. “Still have to finish some reviews.”

“Can’t you write them—”

“Have to be sent this evening.”, Jesse replied and let one hand comb through Sebastian’s messy hair.

Sebastian sighed. “Pity.”

“I’m coming and get you next week by the way. Wanna show you something.”

“Oh?”, Sebastian asked. “What?”

“Be patient.”

“My third name is patience.”, Sebastian responded casually.

“Ah, then it’s gonna be good.”, Jesse smiled and kissed the younger boy again. “Would you like to accompany me outside?”

On their way outside, Jesse wanted to say goodbye to Nick and Jeff. To their surprise, Trent sat there, too.

“Uh, Jesse, this is my roommate Trent. Trent – Jesse.”, Sebastian introduced them. “How come you didn’t bring your things into our room?”

“Uh—”

“We told him to better stay out if he didn’t want to be disgusted for the rest of his life.”, Nick explained.

Instead of answering anything, Sebastian grabbed Jesse’s sleeve and pulled him outside. On their way, Jesse said goodbye to Lith aswell.

Outside, Jesse got into his car, closed the door and let down the window. Sebastian leaned against the car, face turned to Jesse’s. “See you on Saturday then?”

“Yep.”, Jesse answered. “But I don’t know when exactly. Have stuff to do.”

“Alright. See you then.”

“Bye and… thanks for the clothes.”, apparently Jesse’d had to overthink his answer. Then he closed his window and started the engine.

Sebastian stepped back and watched the older boy drive away. Then he headed inside again.

“Smythe!”, he heard Lith bark when he was about to pass her office.

“Hi?”

“He didn’t leave last night.”, Lith said.

“Uh… no, he didn’t.”, Sebastian shrugged.

“And?”

“What and?”

“Sex, love, Rock’n’Roll?”, Lith asked.

Sebastian laughed awkwardly. “None of that. We… watched a movie.”

“Tell that your grandma, Smythe.”

“No, really we just… watched a movie and…”, Sebastian started. “Kissed.”

“You kissed?”

“That’s… normal. We always do.”, Sebastian answered awkwardly.

“You always kiss? Didn’t you say you just were friends?”, Lith raised an eyebrow.

“We are!”

They eventually arrived at Jesse’s flat, directly went into the bedroom. They sat down onto the bed, backs against the cold wall.

Jesse looked at the younger boy expectingly and waited for him to start. He didn’t say anything, for which Sebastian was very thankful. He needed some time to sort out his thoughts.

“I-I don’t really know where to start— I don’t want to annoy you, so maybe—”

“Bas.”, Jesse ran his hand through Sebastian’s hair. “You’re not annoying me. But as I said, you don’t have to tell me.”

Sebastian nodded. “I guess— yeah. When I was 14… my father left our family. Just like this. One day he suddenly disappeared.” He interrupted himself to let out a sarcastic laughter. “Left a letter. Wrote something about being in love with another woman. Hah— I bet she left him already, I hope so.”

“Bas—”

“Anyway, my mum was pretty… broken after that. I didn’t know how exactly she’s tried to deal with the whole thing – I had to manage that somehow for myself, the whole new situation – and my own struggles. I was just about to understand I was not like most boys, you know? I found myself interested in other men.” He hesitated a while before continuing, he even thought of stopping, but Jesse put his arm around him and it felt encouraging. “I know that I should have cared more about my mum, but I was – I am selfish. Nel on the other hand had dealt with it pretty good. She visits our father every now and then – had already done that before. I didn’t. I thought – no, I think if he wanted to have me around, he wouldn’t have left.”, Sebastian cleared his throat.

While thinking of the next part of his story, Sebastian stopped again. He closed his eyes, pulled his legs up against his chest and started to actually quiver.

Jesse stroke his hair again. “Shh.. it’s okay, Bas.”

Sebastian shook his head. “No, it’s not – I should have been less selfish— I should have notice – I— but, no. Sebastian Pascal Smythe does not worry about others, the biggest asshole in existence.”

“Sebastian, you are not—”

“My mum tried to kill herself, Jesse.” He directly looked at the older boy and saw his eyes widen in shock. “Guess she thought we all didn’t need her anymore – I mean, we kinda acted like that— I did. I spent most time in my room, I didn’t want to see anyone. I thought maybe I could infect them, haha. I wasn’t homophobic, no way, but being gay yourself is… different. I thought it was an illness, I didn’t want anyone to judge me. Oh, I’ve been stupid, haven’t I? That was rhetorical. I was.”, Sebastian continued. “I don’t know if Nel noticed but our mum didn’t get better like we expected. Instead, she was getting depressed. More and more until…”

Jesse stroke with his hand Sebastian’s arm up and down. “Hey, Bas— I’m sorry to hear that. I—”

“When Nel and I came back from school one day – I went into my room and Nel— obviously not. Into the bath. I was just about to put my headphones on when I… heard her scream. I wanted— but ‘No, Basti! Stay out!” she screamed – but I saw the arm, covered in blood. I—”, Sebastian cleared his throat. Was he crying? It felt like that. “Nel called an ambulance – that’s the last thing I ever heard her say. And they-they came and brought my mum into the— hospital and they— took us too. I don’t even remember what went through my head. I got a syringe.”

He cleared his throat again and Jesse’s hand went into Sebastian’s hair. For a moment neither of them said anything, Jesse leaned his head against Sebastian’s. People actually said talking about stuff helps? Liars.

“They wanted to take me away from my mum.”, Sebastian stated. “Going to the man who’d caused all this? Who left me like a penny on the street? Think you can imagine my reaction. I refused to go to him. My mum needed me.”

With every word he said Sebastian felt himself getting weaker. Apparently Jesse noticed too, he kissed the younger boy’s temple shortly.

“Nel decided to stay, too. The doctors told us it would probably be better to get a fresh start. My mum actually is a French, did I ever tell you? We went back into her home state, France. Right into goddamn Paris.”, Sebastian smiled mournfully. “We all got therapists. I didn’t talk to mine. Thought they should deal with their own crap. Nel generally didn’t talk anymore. And mum? She didn’t have to say much.”

Now that he reached the part of France his story, he felt better again. Of course there were not only good things about it, but he had enjoyed his time there.

“Fresh start. I was gay and eventually accepted that. Is there a better place to come out than Paris? Well, San Francisco maybe. Anyway, I outed myself. And then… I became the asshole you know today. Like, completely.”

“Bas—”

“I am one.”, Sebastian said with a rough laughter. “But that’s okay. People in school got to know me as Sebastian Smythe, the gay kid with confidence. None of them knew my story. It was good. And one day someone actually hit on me.”

He felt Jesse sitting up straighter next to him, but continued.

“He invited me into a bar. Tom. Was my first. It was the same night. And I actually enjoyed it. ‘Yep, sex is awesome.’, I thought. And I started to sleep with the most random people. There were only three rules. First, never the same guy twice. Didn’t want to get feelings. My mum showed me how feelings would ruin you eventually. Second, condoms of course. And third… no kissing. Never.”, he blushed.

A silence developed, Sebastian wasn’t sure if it really was that awkward, but he decided to break it off anyway. “We all learned sign language for Nel. And my mum… she got a new job. Met a new man. Frederic. Awesome guy.”, he smiled. “They even are engaged now.”

“That’s nice.”

“As soon as she was sure mum was alright again, Nel started her trips. First only short ones. Germany, Spain, Netherlands. But eventually she disappeared even longer. Soon I was left with my mum. But not for too long. We moved in with Frederic.”, Sebastian continued. “Don’t get me wrong, I like Frederic, but I felt… like I didn’t belong there. Like I disturbed them or something. I don’t know— I decided to go back into the US. … Wow, that sounds a lot like Bella Swan, doesn’t it? But unlike her, I didn’t go to my father. That’s how I came to Dalton.”

He stopped again until Jesse said: “There’s more, isn’t it?”

Sebastian nodded slowly. “Dalton’s star had just stopped shining. The infamous Blaine Anderson transferred to another school. For love. Isn’t that cute?”, he asked sarcastically. “You know his boyfriend. Kurt Hummel.”

Jesse laughed. “You’re not being serious.”

“Well, I joined glee club soon and everyone – really fucking everyone – talked about him. I thought I deserved to get to know him. And lucky me, he appeared one day.”, Sebastian said. “Wasn’t as hot as they all said.”

“Wait – don’t tell me it’s that guy with the helmet of hair. Saw him dance with Hummel at Nationals.”

“He is.”, Sebastian shrugged. “Either way, I thought he’d still look good in my collection. Did my best to impress him. I even became Head Warbler.”

Jesse looked at his in confusion. “I thought you had 3 Heads?”

“Well… I can be quite manipulative.”, Sebastian answered. “I got pretty angry at Kurt, though. He was quite… sassy to me. So I decided he should get what he deserved. Actually I didn’t care about Blaine at all any more. None of New Direction’s members had respect for me. I couldn’t accept that. I did some… things.”

“Things?”, Jesse repeated.

“I blacklisted Rachel – well, actually it was about her fiance but anyway— and I wanted to ruin Kurt’s beloved clothes. Rock salt slushie. Blaine got in the way. He needed a surgery. I noticed after that that I might went a bit too far.”

Jesse shook his head. “You blacklisted Rachel. Rachel Berry.”

“Yep, your ex. I blacklisted her.”, Sebastian rolled with his eyes.

“You’re impossible.”

“I know.”, Sebastian nodded. “After that, Kurt’s dad appeared at my school and told them what I did. Dunno why it wasn’t Blaine’s, but it doesn’t matter. The Warbler’s had already decided that I’d been a crappy Head. And the teachers decided I should never even get the opportunity of being a leader again. Also, I was banned from Lacrosse for the rest of the year. Also I react… violently every time someone talks about death or killing and— I got a psychologist from Dalton.” Sebastian hesitated for a moment before continuing. “Not too long after that… someone tried to kill himself. He’d been at McKinley before and I met him at Scandals. Was still in the closet and I said… unfine things.”, Sebastian said and swallowed hardly. “It was quite a shock. I mean I already felt bad after the things with Blaine but…”

“I don’t think it was your fault.”, Jesse replied quietly.

“I met him at my trial. His dad was my lawyer. He told me so, too.”, Sebastian said. “Anyway, I’d say I changed a bit after that. And you know the rest of the story.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, shortly after that I was at The Lima Bean and some idiot who tried reading there caught my interest.”, Sebastian smirked.

“Idiot, huh?”

Sebastian didn’t concentrate on the question. Another thing crossed his mind. “Jess, can you promise me one thing?”

“Hm?”

“Please don’t… act different around me now.”, Sebastian said and watched the other boy patiently.

“I never would. And… thanks.”

“What for?”

“For telling me.”, Jesse answered. “I can only halfway imagine how hard this was for you.”

“… Let’s sleep now, it’s getting way too cheesy here.”

-

The next morning began rather quiet. When Sebastian got up, Jesse was already sitting in the kitchen, eating breakfast. A bowl full of buns stood on the table in front of him, next to the things to put on those. Jesse was reading the newspaper and ate something.

“Morning.”, Sebastian smiled and sat down across from the older boy.

Jesse smiled at him shortly just to look back at his newspaper again, which seemed quite odd to Sebastian. Normally Jesse paid attention on Sebastian, no matter how late it was. “Jesse.”

The older boy looked up from the newspaper and cocked an eyebrow. “Hmm?”

“I had asked you for something.”

Sebastian had thought he’d probably have to explain what he meant a bit further, but apparently Jesse knew him better than he’d expected. “I’m not acting differently.”, Jesse said. “I was… interested in this article about—”

“’Jesse, the rules.”, Sebastian said when he noticed the break in Jesse’s answer.

Jesse sighed. ”I’ve been thinking.”

Sebastian sat up a bit more at this. He had been thinking? About what? He probably didn’t want to have Sebastian around him any more, now that he knew the younger boy wasn’t quite normal. Who would want to deal with a crazy person on a weekly basis?

“I think you should probably… get some help.”, Jesse continued.

Sebastian couldn’t stop himself from laughing. “I should what?”

Jesse didn’t join his laughter. He looked at Sebastian is a stern way. “I mean it. You need help, Bas.”

“Are you actually telling me that I am crazy?”, Sebastian asked. He had thought that to himself before, but actually hearing Jesse utter these thoughts…

“No, Bas, I don’t— can’t you just— look, we live in a society where people talk about dying or killing because of fun.”

Sebastian tensed up at those words and hissed. “They shouldn’t.”

“I know. But they do. And you can’t attack everybody who does that. Remember what you got last time.”, Jesse replied. He went to grab Sebastian’s hand but the other boy refused that.

“And now you think – because humans are stupid – I should share my – everything that makes me me – my privacy with random people, yeah?”, Sebastian said and got up.

“You told me.”, Jesse stood up aswell.

“Yes.”, Sebastian said and turned around. “You’re special.”

He hurried out of Jesse’s flat. He didn’t know if Jesse followed him, though, he ran until he was completely out of breath. Then he called a taxi.

-

Jesse didn’t call during the next week, which actually depressed Sebastian. He didn’t bother to do it himself, though. Jesse had been the one who had been wrong. There was no reason for Sebastian to address him, was there? This time he wouldn’t give in. Jesse should apologize.

Truth been told, it wasn’t as easy as it sounds. Though they normally always spend a week apart from each other, it was something different when it happened in a fight.

It was Saturday soon and Sebastian found himself behind a stage, together with the Warblers. It was Regionals time for them.

“Okay, Seb, show time.”, Jeff smiled at him.

Sebastian nodded slowly. He was not feeling ready at all.

Their group’s name was announced and he went outside, standing in front of the curtain on his own. He was supposed to start singing, but somehow no sound wanted to leave his mouth. Eventually he managed to sing, after all, Sebastian wasn’t a layman.

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord

Trent walked up to him, they had to sing together now.

And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord

Both of them starting clapping on themselves, creating an actual rhythm while the other boys got on stage.The boys started singing the background music and Sebastian restarted the song, just like he was supposed to. He was way more confident now.

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord

Trent joined him again.

Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

They clapped for a while again. Then the others started the background vocals again.

Well if you told me you were drowning, I would not lend a hand I’ve seen your face before my friend, but I don’t know if you know who I am Well I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you’ve been It’s all been a pack of lies

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord Can you feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord

Then it was Sebastian on his own again.

Well I remember, I remember, don’t worry, how could I ever forget It’s the first time, the last time we ever met But I know the reason why you keep your silence UP, oh no you don’t fool me Well the hurt doesn’t show, but the pain still grows It’s no stranger to you and me

He was joined by the others now, who sang the same text just a bit displaced.

I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord Well been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord I can feel it in the air tonight, oh Lord, oh lord Well I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh Lord And I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh Lord I can feel it in the air tonight, oh lord, oh lord, oh lord Well I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh lord, oh lord

Then all of them stomped with their feet onto the ground and were in total sync again.

I can feel it coming

Silence. Then: cheers. As loud as possible. Louder than any applause they’d ever gotten before.

All of the boys stood there, next to each other and started singing the melody of Lady Gaga’s ‘Just Dance’ now. Nick had the lead voice now.

I’ve had a little bit too much, oh oh ooh All of the people start to rush, start to rush by A dizzy twisted dance, can’t find my drink, oh man Where are my keys? I lost my phone, phone

What’s going on on the floor? I love this record baby but I can’t see straight anymore Keep it cool, what’s the name of this club? I can’t remember but it’s alright, a-alright

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance

They changed their melody.

I’m your biggest fan

I’ll follow you until you love me

Papa-paparazzi

Baby, there’s no other superstar

You know that I’ll be

Papa-paparazzi

Promise I’ll be kind

But I won’t stop

Until that girl is mine

Baby, you’ll be famous

Chase you down until you love me

Papa-paparazzi

All them continued singing a long “Whoah-oohh-aaah-oh-oh”. Another song change.

Want your bad romance

Oh, caught in a bad romance

Want your bad romance

I want your love, and I want your revenge

You and me could write a bad romance

I want your love, and all your love is revenge

You and me could write a bad romance

Want your bad romance

(Oh, caught in a bad romance)

Want your bad romance

Can’t read my, can’t read my No he can’t read my poker face (She’s got to love nobody) Can’t read my, can’t read my No he can’t read my poker face (She’s got to love nobody)

Rah, rah, ah, ah, ah

Roma, roma, ma

Gaga, ooh, la, la

Want your bad romance

Rah, rah, ah, ah, ah

Roma, roma, ma

Gaga, ooh la la

Want your bad romance

Again everyone feel into a cheering and while the Warblers formed themselves new, Eric in their middle now, they all were breathing heavily.

Bam Bam Badada Dam bam

Off to the land of sleepy time I go I’m gonna take my shoes off at the door I’m gonna go where dreams like rivers flow, whoa When the alarm goes off i just won’t go

Wont you, Come with me, Wont you, Before they’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning I feel alone when they’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning I’m gonna master all kinds of kung-foo I’m gonna live inside a tiny zoo I’m gonna grow myself a giant afro (incredible) whoa When the alarm goes off i just won’t go

Wont you, Come with me, Wont you, Before they’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning I feel alone when they’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning Oh oh, I don’t mind what’s in store I’ll make it in my own sweet time When I go, I don’t wanna go

Wont you, Come with me, Wont you, Before they’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning I feel alone when they’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning oh They’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning I feel alone when they’re gone in the morning I wanna know why they’re gone in the morning oh whoa

They all were breathing heavily when they got off stage, Eric breathing the heaviest.

Trent came up to Sebastian. “First I though you wouldn’t sing at all, man, what was wrong? But we kicked ass!”

Sebastian chuckled. “I was a bit… I don’t know. And for the ass-kicking part: we were the first, Trent.”

“Anyway, we were good.”, Nick cheered.