Hollanov Ficbunny: 'It's not what it looks like.'
AKA: Gayass Straight Bro Culture Farce:
Pursuant to that post about how homoerotically straight dudes interact with each other
+ the fact that both the Mets and Raiders fans apparently burn effigies of the boys =
The Raiders prank Ilya one day by buying a male Asian sex doll (complete with badly drawn-on freckles), putting it in a knock-off Hollander jersey, and leaving it in Ilya's seat in the locker room.
Cue Ilya (who is immediately thinking, 'FUCK if Hollander finds out about this he will be horrified this cannot be allowed to reach social media') having to laugh it off while also get sexdoll-Shane away from his depraved team-mates.
Ilya *sitting with sexdoll-Shane in his lap* 'Okei new rule! No one is allowed to fuck with Hollander. This is my job! Anyone tries to fuck with Hollander is doing bag skates for the rest of the season!' *boos in background*
Cue Ilya pulling a heist where he has to somehow shuttle this thing across the parking lot and fit it into his mercifully window-tinted but impractically-low-on-trunk-space supercar without anyone noticing / realising what it is.
Cue Ilya speeding home, getting pulled over by Boston PD, and having to Slavic-Rizz his way through explaining why there is a Shane Hollander sex doll propped up in his passenger seat.
'...Why do you have that, sir?' š¶ 'Emotional support?'
And, Plot twist:
The Mets also do this to Shane.
Only, unlike Ilya, this is his idea of a living nightmare, and Shane never manages to get rid of sexdoll-Ilya. It's too stressful to contemplate. He definitely has to enlist the help of both Hayden and JJ to get it into his range rover. His mother definitely calls while they're in the middle of doing it and Shane having an actual panic attack meltdown.
Cue Ilya, many weeks later, going through Shane's closet to borrow something to wear, saying, 'ohhh... Hollander... you have my jersey?!' š
And Shane realising, in absolute horror, that he still has sexdoll-Ilya hidden in the back of his closet.
Cue 'it's not what it looks like?!' and Ilya collapsing onto the floor weak with laughter.
