#craaaaaaaaack

The night was young and the crowd was rowdy at the club. The band, each member wearing their colorful animal masks, was rocking out to classic cover songs; the people were drinking, the people were dancing, the atmosphere was bright. None of this was unexpected, of course; this was the happening night-spot in its section of Tokyo.

But when its owner is the undisputed leader of the Japanese underworld, that should hardly be surprising.

Upstairs, a meeting between said leader, her faithful bodyguard and a few other trusted henchmen was proceeding normally. Suddenly, the night was split by a piercing scream!

Meeting adjourned.

Stepping out to the balcony rail, they were witness to a troubling sight. The merry-makers were running for their lives, passing a pool of blood, a confederate of theirs now missing an arm... and a defiant figure with a katana in one hand, standing tall over the fallen woman, a mask over her eyes, a red-and-black jumpsuit on her body.

"TOMOE TSURUGI!" she shouted, in flawless Japanese. "You and I have unfinished business. You, and the other members of the Deadly Kwamis Assassination Squad."

The woman on the balcony nodded, slowly.

"Indeed we do, Code Name: Ladybug," she replied.

She motioned to her closest bodyguard to engage, and the bloody battle was on...

Quentin Tarantino and Thomas Astruc present:

The thing James hadn't expected about being The Bachelor is how lonely it is.

"Oh, woe is me, I have to hang out with hot women for ten weeks," Rebecca mocks down the line when he tells her this. "Poor you."

"Hey," says James feelingly.

"Are you expecting sympathy? You signed up for The Bachelor." Rebecca pronounces it much the way she would vomit. "Go make out with all of them and then tell them how you're really feeling something."

And so, balancing the tray in her hands, Bianca used one of her feet to wiggle the window open.

...What?  She's talented...

Val lounged on the couch with Clint and Steve in the common room. They were watching a documentary about something, Val didn't really notice, she was still rather tired from Kristoff dropping by yesterday morning. Not that she'd minded in the least, it was a fantastic day and when he'd left that evening to go deal with some Forebearer issues, he'd left with a kiss and a promise to come back that morning. 

She was starting to doze when the colors of the BiFrost reflected on the TV. She sat up slightly and looked over the edge of the couch. Thor didn't way he was coming down, curious.

Bianca was on the landing pad. Val leapt over the couch, a little wobbly on her feet as he head swam. Oops, she's gonna need fluids and a nap before Kristoff came back. She grinned as she came through the door.

Bianca grinned at her and paused, eyeing her shrewdly. "Val... when the fuck did you fall in love?"

"What...?" Val froze and looked at Bianca in shock. Love? That was so not a word on the tip of her tongue when it came to Kristoff. Boobie vexed her, intrigued her and turned her on, but love seemed a bit sketchy.

Bianca  grabbed Val's arm and dragged her towards the elevator, muttering the entire time about 'live for six fucking months and bitch practically gets married'. The two on the couch watched on in shock. Val was in love? 

Wait. She was seeing someone?!

Val wrenched her arm away from Bianca in the elevator and they glared at each other the ride up the floors. Despite the foot in height difference, Bianca nearly intimidated Val out of her snit.

"How long?" Bianca snapped. "How long have you been seeing him?"

"Nearly four months." Val hissed and glared at her. 

"And sex? How long have you been sleeping with him?" Bianca shot back.

"Almost two. And how the hell is it any business of yours? Last time I checked you are not my father and even he does not have that kind of right over me!" Val shouted as the doors opened and Bianca pushed her out. "Stop touching me!"

"It is my business because I'm Freyja!" Bianca muttered as she pushed her way past Val when she opened the door and went straight for the freezer, opening the whisky and downing half the bottle in a few moments. She handed it to Val.

Val finished the bottle and the effects hit her faster and harder than she expected. Whoops he had taken a bit too much. "What put you in bitch mode?"

"You have had a boy toy for four months, you've seen me three times since then and you haven't thought to tell me?! You're my best friend! I thought I was yours!" Bianca shoved Val in the sternum and gasped as Val stumbled back into the end table and knocked the lamp off the table. 

The girls watched the lamp fall and shatter and Val laughed slightly. "I'm gonna kick your ass now."

"Bring it, bitch. I've been itching for a fight." Bianca growled and launched at Val, taking her back into the end table, breaking it in half. 

Val arched and threw Bianca over her head, hearing the coffee table crack and splinter as the woman connected with a huff. "What is your problem!?"

"I don't want to lose you and you not telling me about this guy is just confirmed it." Bianca picked up the love seat, swinging it at Val, cracking the frame as she hit her best friend with it and sending Val flying into the stairs, breaking several of those in half as well. 

Val sat up and stared at Bianca in shock. "And breaking me and my shit is going to help your case?"

"Val, you're a Valkyrie, you breathe violence!" Bianca snorted. "And you're so drunk did that even hurt?"

"No." Val launched at her, snarling and knocked the couch over, sloppily dodging a few of Bianca's punches before she caught one on her jaw. "Ow! Fuck!"

"Why are you drunk already?" Bianca tossed her at the window, cracking it. Val came back and kicked her in the chest, sending her into the wall. 

Val wiped her bleeding lip and it already healed. "Blood loss."

Bianca paused. "Blood loss? What? How?"

Val grinned. "Vampire lover." She took a running leap and launched at Bianca, who caught her and slammed her into the kitchen breakfast bar, breaking the granite and knocking the wind out of Val. 

"Vampire? You're in love with a Vampire? At least he's immortal. Except the whole sun thing. Hey is he as good in bed as they say?" Bianca gasped as Val smashed the whisky bottle over her head. 

"Oh how dare you!" Val gasped.

Bianca cackled. "Your magic just spiked! He so is." She laughed for a moment and dragged Val off the counter, drop kicking her towards the dining room. "So, what's his name?" She jumped at Val, standing over her. 

Val took her knees out, taking her down. She scooped Bianca up, carting her to the table by her neck and slammed her down into the table, breaking it in half. "Kristoff Gravewalker. Vampire King."

Bianca huffed for breath for a moment before taking Val's legs out as Val held her aching ribs. "Fucking royalty, literally and couldn't even tell your best friend."

"Whatever. I thought you'd notice I wasn't as much of a bitch afterwards." Val snarled as Bianca pounced and they rolled around, wrestling, pulling hair and biting. There was blood smeared across the carpet from broken noses and split lips and cuts from broken glass. 

Finally they collapsed, exhausted and giggling on the carpet, Bianca's head on Val's leg. "You good?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah. You?" Val panted quietly.

"Yeah. You want more alcohol?" Bianca asked quietly.

"Oh fuck yeah. Your goddesshead burned off now?" Val asked, rolling onto her side. 

Bianca sat back down, leaning back against Val, handing her the new bottle of Macallan. "You get first rights. You need you fluids." Bianca snickered. 

Val grinned and took a few swigs. "Well he should be here soon if you wanna hang around." She lay down. "Man I'm tired."

"Kept you up all night?" Bianca grinned.

"Day, but yes. You're gonna help me magic all this shit back to rights, right?" Val asked, doing grabby hands for the bottle again.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, after we finish the bottle." Bianca snarked.

Val snorted out a laugh. "Things are going to get put back together all sorts of fucked up." She giggled.

They finished the bottle, giggling and laughing over sex tips by the time Kristoff showed up.

I think it actually has to be a novel, rather than a collection of short stories. BUT YOU COULD WRITE A NOVEL-LENGTH SHERLOCK AU WITH LOTS OF CRACK! :D

I can see this being a thing. Kind of. The narrative will be very loosely connected but enough to be considered a "novel". Some chapters will be heavily angsty, some will be extremely and ridiculously fluffy, and parts of it will be PURE CRACK IN WHICH SHERLOCK BERATES THE AUTHOR FOR WRITING HIM OOC AND HE WILL CALL ME AN IDIOT AND THEN ASSURE ME THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT BECAUSE PRACTICALLY EVERYONE IS.