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If you're friends with me on Facebook you already know that my cousin committed suicide. I don't know what to feel, or how to express the feelings I have. This has been the most trying two days of my sobriety and I'm happy to say I'm still on the wagon. As I drove around tonight, I thought, I can make a left and drive to ACE liquor, or I can turn right and go to a meeting. Obviously I made a right. Tonight we talked about relapse and what can cause that. Am I hurting? Am I exhausted? Am I angry? Am I resentful? Am I tense? Yes. All of the above. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. It would be the easy way out to run to the liquor store and get drunk. Or to find my old dealers name and call him. It would be easier for me to relapse right now, and numb the pain, to silence the thoughts, but I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that statistic. I relapse and who is to say I won't be in the same place my cousin is a year from now? Or even half a year from now... When I'm sober, my mind works right, if that makes any sense at all. When I'm drunk or high, and I'm not in my right frame of mind, my depression worsens and I'm that person. That person that feels unloved, that feels like there's no other escape. I've attempted suicide in the past and am so grateful now that I want successful. I have a lot of emotions, so this probably doesn't make a lot of sense. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, I took a right. Relapsing isn't an option for me... I'm either sober, or black out drunk on the side of the road. Tomorrow is a new day. I encourage you all to hug your family tonight. Tell them how much you love them. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
