Are people still annoying everyone with this saying?? I don’t know, but as cliche as it sounded, I was trying to figure out who I wanted to be. I had always had an idea of who I was and ever since me and Jack had split, I’d felt lost. Maybe it was because I never wanted to believe how much I cared about Jack and that relationship, but when I saw how damaged I’d become, I decided I needed a change. 

I don’t want to say I regret all of the decisions I’d made since we split, but I’d definitely done things I never thought I would or that I was able to - and the worst part? Those decisions I’d made? They got easier every time, maybe that’s what really frightened me. 

I liked to party, I considered myself to be a little ris-kay, but at the end of it all: I wanted to be the good girl. Here’s the thing about the party girl, everyone knows her, everyone likes her, but no one takes her seriously. I didn’t want that, but I felt it was happening. 

I had made little changes before ringing in the new year, but decided that once the clock struck midnight, the fun was over, it was time to turn back into a queen (what? I don’t want to be labelled a pumpkin either). 

School began and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed seeing some people, I never really considered anyone at school to be a friend really, I enjoyed their company and didn’t mind chatting over a beer after class, but I had no desire to see them once the program ended. That’s how I used to view it, but when I saw MJ and Yuna... I was happy, I hugged them and had even changed my schedule to match theirs.

I didn’t see Nick much anymore, he’d decided that D’s friendship was too important to lose and that our friendship was becoming too much of an issue. I’d also heard that he’d wanted maybe a little more than friendship with me, something that I could never support. 

I walked up to the Starbucks, got my stupid $3.50 coffee and headed to my first class,

“Damn Cecila, you’re looking good today, hot date after class?”

“Maybe, why do you care?”

I looked at MJ with the biggest smile and he shot me one back and told me to shut up. We’d become close(ish) second semester of our first year, I’d debated returning his advances, but ultimately decided against it. I liked MJ, but he was a bit too young and I just knew it wouldn’t last, or become anything serious. 

“So, I hooked up with that Crystal chick, god she’s hot.”

I looked at him and made a face,

“Are we supposed to high five now...?” I laughed and as he held up his hand, I eye-rolled and sipped my coffee.

“We’re working together on every assignment this semester, right? I lost Jade, so... You’re the replacement.”

“Will you buy me coffee?”

I gave him my best bedroom eyes and then put on a pouty face, it was such a pathetic look, but it often won people over - guilt tripping 101 over here. 

“No, you have a fucking addiction - I’m ready to sign you up for rehab, how many have you had today? 5?”

“This is only my second, relax...”

“I can see your Monster energy drink poking out of your bag... Get help, Jesus.”

I texted Kimmy around 6:10 telling her to squeeze into her best spanx and throw on that little black dress because the girls were hitting the town. I had just worked a 65 hour week and I was in desperate need of several gin and otnics, maybe a few tequila shots and some serious girl time.

 Is just you and I or are we going on one of your dates?

Yes, I, Cecila Palmer was dating again - except I wasn’t really dating. I was accepting offers from men to take me out, then bringing Kim along while I convinced them to bring a friend as well. We had a decent time, but there was never a second date and I always went home with Kimmy. I laughed as I read her text and then replied that no, we were going out just her and I.

I wore my most prized possession, 6” flatform wedges, they looked like a strappy sandal that a Barbie would wear and I had forced myself to learn to walk in them. They made me 5’6 (which is incredibly tall for me, considering I barely make 5’1) and I loved seeing peoples faces when I didn’t eat shit walking around in them.

We headed to the bar, arm in arm and quickly sat down to begin our gossip session. It wasn’t even three sips into my gin and tonic before Kim’s face soured and I swear, she almost snarled.

“Jack.”

I looked up,

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?”

“Jack is here and he’s-“

Before I could react, someone was tapping my shoulder.

“Oh, we know these girls! Guess we can spare our cheesy pick up lines,”

Evan was now embracing me,

“How’re you gorgeous? Long time no see, ha-ha.”

Too bad it wasn’t that long ago and he was literally trying to pick me up in a bar a week prior, sans Jack. Evan was his sleaze ball “best friend.” I’d never eye rolled so hard in my life as I did in that moment,

“Hi Ev, hi Jack…” I gave them my best bitch face which I had been practicing, Kimmy had a super uncomfortable smile plastered on her face,

“What’re you guys doing here? Were you about to hit on us for real? Like you didn’t recognize the girl you were in love with and dating for almost two years and her best friend?”

I couldn’t help but smirk at her comments, she had a way of saying things in a way that made you feel like shit and an idiot.

“Of course I recognized Cecila, no one else would commit to the shoes she insists on wearing, plus… Her hair.... It always looks like she just got it done.”

I tried to make eye contact with Jack, but then scolded myself for being flattered by his compliments,

I chose to say nothing and instead stared off into the distance, pretending I didn’t care for his charm any longer.

Suddenly, the conversation just turned into awkward statements that were clearly meant to just fill the cold, dead air.

“I have to use the bathroom, excuse me.” I strutted off, feeling bad for leaving Kim, but I knew Jack would get the hint. This was a signature move that all women abuse, especially me to avoid uncomfortable situations. You know why? Because it always works.

I returned to the table two minutes later and low and behold, no more boogeymen.

“We need to leave this bar, right now, immediately. It’s tainted, onto the next.”

“Are you sure, C? We just got here, we’ve had one drink – besides, this place is huge! Come on.”

“No, I don’t want to be here, especially not if he’s on the hunt for girlfriend #77, please?”

“Okay, okay only because I love you and I know you’re buying majority of the drinks.”

I held out my hand, she gladly accepted and we headed across the road to one of my favourite places in the entire universe: Big in Japan.

We walked in and it was beyond packed, as always, Kim led me upstairs and I was iffy because 1) it was cold 2) I’d never really been upstairs at night and 3) stairs, my arch nemesis.

 I went to go sit at the bar when I heard my name,

“CECILA, CECILA PALMER, CECILA!”

I turned and there at a table in front of the bar, sat 4 familiar faces. The first was AJ Matsmith, someone who had come into my life during freshmen year of high school, he had also been roommates in college with a good friend of mine. The second was Kiwi, a nickname given to him in middle school, I never knew why I just always knew him by Kiwi, third was Spence, we were not friends and I didn’t see it changing anytime soon(?). Lastly, Nick Yu – someone who had always had my attention, but never knew. He was a cutie in high school, we’d attended many of the same parties, but words were never exchanged due to his long term girlfriends. (I am not a homewrecker).

I consider this group an extension of the boyfriend clan; they weren’t really apart of it, but often appeared at house parties, holiday events and random outings to the bar.

I quickly walked over and said my hello’s, it had recently been AJ’s birthday, but I was unable to attend because my serious intoxication at another birthday.

“HELLO,”

I sat down at the nearest seat, which to my luck was right beside Nick.

“How’re you? Wow, you look amazing! I haven’t seen you in forever, you never made it to my birthday, eh?”

“I’m sorry, I was incred- OH MY GOD THIS IS KIMMY, SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND.” I was so excited that I was being the person I hate – the ones who forget you exist when they see someone they know and then you’re left standing there, awkwardly wondering if you should introduce yourself or run away.

Everyone beamed at Kimmy, like they always did – she was a tiny little human, she was 5ft tall, size double 0 and absolutely stunning.

Hello’s were exchanged all around, when I suddenly had a brilliant idea; tequila shots.

“Be right back, I have something I want to give all of you.”

I run to the bar, ordered the shots and grinned at everyone’s disgusted faces when they realized what poison I’d put infront of them.

“Tequila? Seriously?”

“Don’t be a pussy, I brought limes.”

After the shot, I was shocked at that Nick began chatting me up, asking me where I was working now, what I was taking in school, etc. We chatted for a good ten minutes when it hit; I had to pee for real because before I was just fake peeing.

“I need to use the bathroom, sorry, hold that thought.” When I stood, Nick’s eyes widened,

“Those are some shoes, holy,”

I smiled,

“They’re my most prized possession.”

“I have to go too actually, I’ll come with you.”

Kim shot me a look that said, are you trying to escape? Do you need help?

I just winked at her and smiled, she was such a good friend.

“I can help you down the stairs if you need it,” and with that, he held out his hand. I smiled,

“It’s okay, I’m kind of a pro,”

I suddenly regretted not taking his advance;

“… But these stairs are kind of steep and stairs are kind of my kryptonite, if you know what I mean,”

He laughed and immediately helped me, I was suddenly feeling what I hadn’t felt in ages; butterflies.

We both went to the bathroom and when I came out, I was expecting him to be waiting… Except, he wasn’t. I thought maybe he was in the bathroom too, I posted up on the wall and waited. Two minutes went by, then three… I suddenly realized what a fool I was standing here and that he most definitely was back at the table, I walked up the stairs thought what a doofus he was, who walks a girl to the bathroom and then doesn’t wait?! When I reached the top, there stood Nick out of breath and apologizing profusely.

“I’m sorry! I left something at the table that was kind of important and I had to run back, sorry!”

I just laughed, what the hell?

“It’s oka-“

Suddenly, closer by the chainsmokers was playing and I knew I was about to lose my shit.

“I apologize for what I’m about to do,”

I began dancing and singing at the top of my lungs and then like clock work, so did he. We looked ridiculous, dancing in the middle of a bar to this completely girly song and loving every minute of it. We didn’t even feel like strangers; something about it just felt familiar, safe, fun.

When we back to the table, Kimmy was grilling me and I was a giddy school girl. As the liquor flowed, so did our silliness, this night was doomed at the beginning and now I was having the time of my life.

When the bar began to close, we headed for food and I realized how incredibly unstable I was becoming.

“Need a hand?”

I smiled and clutched his arm and then sighed, I liked this boy and I knew it, I never liked the boys I went on dates with or met. Kimmy had been chatting up one of the other guys, leaving me and Nick alone which was nice, but also sad.

“Is everything okay?”

I laughed and then felt embarrassed by what fell out of my mouth next,

“I like you and I don’t want to like you, I mean, shit, I’m sorry that was rude.”

He was suddenly laughing and smiling at me in a way that just melted my entire existence. Stop it, dammit. LOOK AWAY.

“I like you too, you’re an honest and incredibly funny girl.”

“I’m pretty great,”

“so modest too!”

I smiled and looked away,

“Let’s go on a date sometime.”

Back at one of the guy’s houses, we exchanged numbers and then I did something I hadn’t expected – I slept on this miserable, tiny little couch with this wonderful human that had come into my life. I even let him cuddle me and didn’t hate it. We arranged to meet next weekend, on a Saturday afternoon for dinner and a movie.

Wow, I haven’t updated in many, many months and to be honest it’s mostly because I didn’t have time and also a mixture of the fact that the choices I was making... Were not the right choices. I’ll try to keep this brief, but every story needs a beginning, middle and end. Fact.

After my millionth fall out with Jack, I hated myself for constantly being that stupid, naive girl who constantly took back her cheating, dirtbag boyfriend. Enough was enough, so I said.. Then I ran into D at the bars quite frequently, no big surprise - it’s a small city and we were both miserable and single, AKA looking to get riggity wrecked every weekend because we don’t want to sit at home moping. 

Soon, our frequent run-ins turned into hang outs, which turned eventually ended up with us falling into bed together. I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning, but it helped distract me from the other miseries in my life. Eventually, we decided it needed to stop because we weren’t getting back together, we weren’t even really friends - we were just two people who used to love each other and now were alone and sad, seeking comfort in the past. Except, D wasn’t the same person I fell inlove with, in fact he was kind of awful to be around; he was bitter, rude and incredibly entitled. By the end of our sexcapades, I was actually disappointed that I had ever pined over this human being. 

We don’t speak when we see each other now, in fact he shoots me dirty looks from across the room and I just pretend not to see them. 

Allie and I barely speak now; she got into a prestigious Ivy League grad school and now feels she’s too good for me and majority of our other friends. I spend most of my days with Kimmy, we made some new friends that I met at a bar that I work at twice a week. 

I threw myself into exams, I was studying day and night. When I wasn’t studying, I was at the gym hauling ass. I’d acquired this awful(?) habit of trying to perfect myself in the gym whenever I felt rejected or not good enough for someone; I blamed Jack for my brain working this way, but on the bright side I’d never looked better. I was so focused on doing well mentally and physically that I was doing everything right in terms of diet as well as zeroing in on my studies.

I won’t lie though, some nights I felt so burnt out and lonely, luckily my endless work days has brought me closer to my coworkers and I’d made some really great new friends.

When I was at school, I hung out with Nick; he’d been a good friend of D’s, but we became close during our relationship and our friendship never really fizzled. His friendship with D on the other hand became rocky when he’d started dating Kate. We became best friends because we decided friends at school were overrated; I liked spending time with him because we could just sit in a room, not speaking, doing our own thing. It was so comforting and nice.

On the day of my last exam, I texted Ali to tell her it was time for some serious celebration, suddenly my phone started buzzing and the name that appeared shocked me. Magic.

Hey, can we meet up and talk? I found something of yours I need to return, btw.

Something he needed to return? I thought about it and then it hit me, my $80 VS bra, my most prized possession. I didn’t reply, I had to weigh my options on if the bra was really worth it or not. I texted Ali,

Hello, we have a date tonight with Jose

She texted back almost instantly,

Oh my god you’re done exams, meet me at the mall - we need to get new clothes to celebrate.

I already know what I’m wearing, but be my barbie doll?

Deal, also do my make up please queen cecila

As exams approached, Magic and I talked less and eventually, we stopped attempting to make plans. I couldn’t tell if we were just too busy or if he was losing interest, I didn’t spend too much time thinking about it, but as my exams came to a close I began to have too much time to think about it and Jack. 

I texted him one last time to see if he’d be free to study / grab coffee, or just hang out. We had both discussed our intentions on this whole... Whatever it was, but the bottom line was that neither of us had time for a relationship or really desired one. I figured maybe that’s why he’d been such a ghost lately and then I got a little bummed. 

We made plans for the Wednesday, which happened to be the first round of the play offs. I suggested we watch the game at a bar or wherever since we were both huge hockey fans. He agreed and a time and place where agreed upon, the day of however, I’d heard absolutely nothing from him. 

I didn’t want to remind him of our plans because it felt needy, instead I asked Kim what she was up to. Mer and her girlfriend ended up joining us and although I was a little disappointed by the sudden disappearance of my new friend, I was pretty happy to still have my girls. We ordered a few rounds and as I got progressively more intoxicated, I became more bold. I texted Magic to ask what was up and why he had bailed,

did you die?

It wasn’t the most intelligent move therefore I felt the text didn’t deserve a very intelligent opener; I would definitely live to regret this decision.

I didn’t hear back for a solid twenty minutes, when I was mid-sip of my beer when Kimmy death gripped my arm.

“Did you tell Magic we were here?!” She hissed,

“No, why?”

“BECAUSE HE IS HERE!”

I looked up and sure enough, there he was - too distracted by the entourage of females he was accompanied by, the man was in a suit for God’s sake. I had my glasses on, which made me look a little different a la Clark Kent style. He sat practically beside me and I did my best to duck, after a few minutes more people showed up and he was then seated directly in front of me, but his back was facing me. 

Kimmy and I were obviously freaking out, Mer and her girlfriend were dying of laughter when my phone suddenly went off, three times. I couldn’t believe it, it was Magic. Texting me. I thought maybe he’d seen me and was too embarrassed to come over, but nope, here is what his text message read:

Hey sorry, I was at a friend’s surprise birthday dinner. Just hitting the books tonight, I have an exam tomorrow! Let’s reschedule? 

I couldn’t believe it, why the hell was he was lying to me? And did he seriously not realize I was in the same bar as him? I wasn’t even at the original bar we had agreed upon!

I wasn’t going to text him back, but Kimmy grabbed my phone

Listen, I don’t know if you’re blind or retarded, but WE ARE IN THE SAME BAR.

His face was a mixture of panic, shock and utter disbelief; I simply raised my glass and chugged my drink, headed to the ladies room and intended on getting the fuck out of there.

Yeah.. This is just one drink, I’m going home in 15 minutes.

More lies, I didn’t even respond; why would I? Mer and her girlfriend had left to go get the car, I was about to settle up on my bill one of the gentlemen from his table had come over, Kimmy and I just looked at each other.

“Ladies, my friends and I can’t help, but notice that you’re over here all alone... Why don’t you come join me and my friends at the Irish pub down the street? We’re all going there for the 3$ whiskey special.”

I tried hard not to laugh at how ridiculous this was, had Magic sent him over or something? Kimmy already being on a roll and super hammered decided she was yet again, taking control of the situation (god love that girl).

“No thanks, we’re not interested in hanging around with fuck boys.” She said it so loudly and proudly, directly staring at Magic who was refusing to look anywhere near us. 

I shoved my phone back into my pocket, determined not to let this high I was on wear off. 

I headed back to Toxic with the girls and strutted into the bar; I saw Magic and he instantly lit up.

“You’re back blondie, had me worried for a minute.”

God he was beautiful, 

“I told you I would be,”

He grabbed some shot glasses, poured some drinks and I downed them. We chatted for a few more minutes and then I heard it, the song of the summer.

“Excuse me for a few minutes, there’s something I have to do.” He looked puzzled, as I cat walked to CC, grabbed her the hand and twirled her and then got ratchet as hell. 

We grinded up on each other, laughed and dropped it to the flo’. I was having the time of my life and I wasn’t regretting anything. The girls wanted to head back to the other bar and meet up with the rest of our coworkers, I wasn’t going to argue. I wouldn’t mind seeing Wes again and I knew he would be pleased to see me again so soon.

I walked over to Magic, grabbed his sweater and kissed him,

“Gotta go, Magic - It’s been real.” I grinned, 

“Wait, no, don’t go - or at least give me your number.”

 I grabbed my lipstick and wrote my number on his forearm. I did a little wave and did my best to look hot as hell when I disappeared into the night. 

We drank more drinks, danced to more hits and by the end of the night I had a few texts from Magic.

He insisted I go home with him, to which I was a little disappointed - I declined and told him that wasn’t my style, It just wasn’t that easy. When I got home, I drank 2 bottles of water and passed out. Work was going to be rough as hell tomorrow.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

The next day at work, I decided to text back Jack. I don’t know why I did it, but I guess part of me hadn’t let go. We had good times, but unfortunately he didn’t want to be the person I needed him to be. I nursed my hang over with a bagel and an extra large black coffee. I tried my best to get through my documents, but I found myself rereading paragraphs almost 7 times. 

Around 2pm, my phone buzzed - it was Magic.

When do you get off work?

Intriguing.

I get off at 6, but I’m barely alive today

Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you ;) 

How’s your day?

Bonus points for asking how my day is, however I still was getting the feeling he didn’t understand what : I’m not sleeping with you means. 

I was funny at first, then I just got sassy. I didn’t like where this conversation was going and I was too tired to deal with it. I told him he was a fond memory, but this is where we go our separate ways. We stopped talking for the day, I was a bit disappointed and frustrated, but I reminded myself that I didn’t want a boyfriend and he was a bartender in a club. When I closed up shop at the office, I had a new text from Magic. I eye rolled, read it and laughed.

Have dinner with me Cecila, I promise you won’t be disappointed

I had an idea of where I wanted to be at 23, I didn’t picture myself being married, but I did hope that I was building a life with someone. It wasn’t going to be picking out china patterns and baby names; I wanted to travel and do all the fun things you’re supposed to do in your 20′s. What I was doing instead? Creeping the (still) shared Netflix account I had with Jack and kissing bartender’s apparently. 

I had went out with Kimmy on a Friday night to celebrate a coworker’s birthday, Kimmy and I arrived a bit early as we had some catching up to do. We didn’t often see each other at work due to the endless amounts of paper pushing we were often buried under. We ordered some drinks and sat in a booth and began feeling sorry for each other that was our life at 23. It’s not that it wasn’t enjoyable, it was, but I wouldv’e much rather been at Jack’s playing Call of Duty on PS4 or watching some of our favourite shows.

I tried to push the thought from my mind, suddenly the bartender walked over and positioned himself so he was only facing me.

“Ladies... I’m very sorry, but this booth is actually reserved. Why don’t you come hang out at the bar with me?” I looked around and realized that it was a better option than whatever other company we may encounter. Kimmy shrugged and we headed over to the bar and I could see the bartender looking back shyly, I turned to Kimmy.

“He’s pretty cute,”

“Yeah he is and he seems to really like you.”

I laughed, thinking he must just be working for tips - I was a bartender in a club once upon a time, I knew how this game worked.

A few minutes he came over, grabbed a few shot glasses and began making a green mixture. I cocked an eyebrow and looked up at him,

“What is this?”

“Let’s do shots, I’m really hung over and as you can see it’s kind of dead.”

I laughed, took the shot and kind of brushed him off. I was here to have fun with the girls, not entertain bartenders.

“You go to school?”

Kimmy grinned at me, I did a slightly eye roll,

“Yeah I go to school, you?”

“Engineering, I work here and have a day job.”

“Engineering huh? That’s intense,”

“What do you do? Let me guess... Something artsy?”

I knew he was going to say that, I always got psych, art, or nursing, the typical traits girls took.

“She studies law.”

“Ho ho, you’ve stumped me blondie, guess you’re not just a pretty face. What do you take?”

“I’m not in school, it’s overrated; I’m taking over my mom’s business when she crokes.” 

Kimmy’s mom owned a beauty salon; it was one of the top rated in the city. She used to be a hairstylist, but now only works during prom season as well on weekends as an esthetician. She loved the trait, but she has commitment problems and ultimately wanted to be a business woman. 

Someone approached the bar and I turned to Kimmy,

“Ask him for his name, what are you doing?” 

“Okay okay, fine. As long as he keeps pouring our drinks.”

I looked back and saw a familiar face, not one I wanted to see though. There standing, holding onto the bartender’s arm was D’s old coworker. I had hated his female coworkers from the job he worked when we first began dating, not because of anything catty, simply because they weren’t females you wanted around your boyfriend. She had attended that awful party I had written about way back when. I rolled my eyes so hard and continued to sip my bucket of liquor.

“Looks like you have some competition,”

“Nah, I know that girl, trust me she’s no threat to me.”

I gave her the detes on our sorted past when the bartender approached with 3 more shots.

“Let’s drink more,”

After we all took the shot, I asked him what his name was.

“It’s Patrick, what about you?”

“Celie, this is Kimmy.”

“Celie? Wow, Irish girl, I wish I had known - I would’ve been pouring us shots of whiskey.”

 I told Kim his name and she blurted out this gem:

HIS NAME IS MAGIC? 

And thus, his nickname was born. We left the bar shortly after and I saw the sadness in his face, I gave him a quick head nod and grabbed my things, we met up with some other coworkers at another bar.

“Celie met a boy, a really cute boy.”

“I didn’t meet anyone, she’s lying, don’t listen to her.”

CC and love of my life, turned to me and shouted,

“Oh my god, you did meet a boy and you like him.”

“You’re both being ridiculous, he’s a bartender. At a club.”

“Which bar? Toxic? Let’s go back, I want to see this bartender boy.”

I grabbed her, 

“Wait a second missy, we’re finishing our drinks here first and then getting another because I happen to know this bartender too.” They both gave me a look and I quickly followed up with,

“I didn’t do anything with him okay? ..... I lied, we made out once, two years ago. Let’s go.”

I approached the bar and he turned and his face lit up,

“Mrs. Pomer, what a surprise to see you here, let me get you some... Tequila shotS?” 

I nodded my head yes, Kimmy and CC were impressed and as we were about to cheers, I paused -

“Uh, I think you’re missing one, are you not, Wes?”

He laughed, grabbed one for himself and we cheer’sed. I ordered two more rounds for my ladies and him. 

“Hate to cut our goodbye short, but we’ve got another appointment elsewhere. It was nice to see you,”

“You just got here and now you’re leaving? Heart breaker.”

“You have me on Facebook, I’m never too far.” I winked, handed him 30$ and grabbed my things yet again. 

I was still at Jack’s when my phone went off at a whopping 8am, I ignored it and rolled over to snuggle up to him. Two minutes later, again my phone went off. And then again.

“URRRRRRGH, who is texting you so early?”

I pulled the blankets over my face,

“...probably my mother, let me silence it.”

I climbed to the other side of our massive king sized bed and I jolted awake when I saw it was Ally.

Where are you?

C, I’m at your place

Ok found your spare key and you’re not here... I’ll be waiting.

What is with my friends and breaking into my apartment? Also, must note that my spare key is disturbingly easy to find... oops.

I yawned and grabbed a few hair ties,

“I gotta go back to my place for a bit, Ally is waiting for me.”

“Huh? It’s 8 in the morning.”

“Yep, which means it must be baaaaad.”

I put on my pants, Jack gave me a pouty face and I blew a kiss before jumping into my car and heading to my apartment.

When I got to the door, it was locked, I unlocked it and yelled,

“Luuuuuuuuuuuuucy! I’m hom-”

Before I could finish, there was Ally at my island table, tea in hand and staring off into the distance.

“Hey, what happened?”

I sat in front of her and she sighed,

“Matty and I ended things, or rather.. I ended things with him.”

I made a sad face and asked what happened. After a long conversation about the stupidity of how the male brain functions, she sighed.

“We need to go out and get drunk.”

“Friday?”

“Yes, actually,” she got up and rummaged through my cupboards, puzzled I cocked my head to one side.

“What exactly are you looking for?”

“I can’t wait until Friday, I need a cocktail... Where is your booze?!”

“I guess Pinot Grigio is a suitable breakfast,” I got up and handed her the pear flavored wine I had picked up earlier that week.

“It has fruit on the table, it’s acceptable!”

She poured 2 glasses and I texted Jack,

code red, she’s making cocktails are 9am

guess that means you’re out for the day?

most likely, see you tonight?

sounds good, have fun

“Are you happy, C?”

“Hmm?”

She was almost done her second glass when she blurted that gem out.

“Uh, yeah.. I mean I’m not happy all of the time, but majority of the time... I am.”

“Do you think I’m jumping the gun with Matty?”

“I can’t make that decision for you, Ally... I’m an outsider looking in, plus everyone deals with the stress of a relationship differently.”

I have learned that when your friends are asking for your advice on their love life, they aren’t looking for permission to stay with them or break up with them, they’re looking for permission to feel the way they do. Is it okay to let this person make me feel so absolutely redundant? Is it okay for me to let him be so neglectful? Having the support of your girlfriends is essentially what seals the fate of your relationship.

We went back and forth a bit more and around 2pm we sprawled out onto my L shaped sofa and had a nap. We woke up around 5 and ordered a pizza for our afternoon hang over. I hadn’t spent a day like this with Ally in a long time, or with anyone to be honest. I began to realize how much I missed my friends and then wondered if I really had been ready to settle down. I loved Jack, but we weren’t perfect and there was bumps in the road, a lot. I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel, but I also wasn’t willing to get any more serious with him until I was sure we could go the distance.