#cpib

Where is my achievement for a new personal best number of times throwing up in an hour. I want a big trophy. I was one shy of 10, is that why I get nothing?

Switching your pointer and middle finger should be a surgery you can request at the plastic surgeon but nooooo it's dangerous and pointless. Right now what's pointless is my middle finger and I want to fix that by affixing the pointer in its place. Sheesh.

I love waking up next to my partner wondering if they poisoned me. They look so cute and innocent as I get to stare at them for the next two hours until I'm 86% sure I'm safe enough to put on a bedtime story podcast. Relationship goals.

Back pain? Try removing your third or seventh vertebrae. If you wish it to be gone and make a sacrifice to the dark powers, you never know, they might just do it. Then your nerves and spinal fluid can just wiggle freely in that little gap and it has to be good for you. The nerves will be your noodles and the spinal fluid your sauce. You will have delicious spineghetti in you at all times. Mama Mia!

If my cremated remains don't get mixed into the punchbowl at my funeral I swear to Dog that I will haunt each and every one of my so-called friends.