#cpgkgf

I got news back in July my father is dying. It could be in the next several months or in the next couple years depending on how he takes care of his kidneys. I feel dead inside. I’m losing my best friend. My rock. My shelter. He has slaved away to provide for me and gets this in return? I feel like some day I should give him what he deserves in return. A kidney. My kidney. We match. It would be a perfect match. On the outside he seems so normal. Smiley. Happy. But I know deep down his body is just giving up on him and it’s making my body give up on myself. I saw him go through depression, I saw him go through suicidal thoughts, I saw him go through the darkness. And to know we’re back at point a. It kills me. It murders me. The gut wrenching is so repulsive. I don’t want to leave in fear he will weep to sleep. I can’t stay. He will be here for 5 more days then he’s home. Not a big deal? But it is. I need him home. My dog whimpers knowing her daddy is gone. She just wants him home too. We all want him to be better and it hurts like fucking hell to know God will rip him from my fingers through this painful way. Why!! Why now!! Why this way!! Death is such a cruel painful thing in this world. I can fucking believe that it can hurt this much. I have seen so many relatives die from cancer, to suicide, to car accidents, to old age. It’s never hit me this fucking hard. I love you. I can’t lose you. What about graduation? My wedding? My success in life? I need you here to celebrate me and insert your witty comments and advise me on what to do. I need you.

Find a boy man that compliments your eyebrows no matter how bad they look, a man that that loves your eyes and smile and nose and face on the days you don’t put a smidge of makeup on. Find a man that loves your hair even though it has been up in a pony tail all day and looks like a rat mess. Find a man that appreciates you and will go the extra mile just to see you smile. Find a man that will give your his jacket when it is pouring rain and you don’t want your hair to get messed up. Find a man that calls you fucking beautiful and will scream it from the roof tops. Find a man that will love you no matter what people think. Find a man that will kiss your cheek when your sad and your the top of your hand to remind you of the princess you truly are. Find a man and treat him like your prince. Find a man.

Why!! Why now!! Why this way!! Death is such a cruel painful thing in this world. I can fucking believe that it can hurt this much. I have seen so many relatives die from cancer, to suicide, to car accidents, to old age. It’s never hit me this fucking hard. I love you. I can’t lose you. What about graduation? My wedding? My success in life? I need you here to celebrate me and insert your witty comments and advise me on what to do. I need you.

I lost my innocence and dignity and the age of 15. Most people won’t be able to understand that gut wrench feeling of being forced to do something that you cried and begged to not happen. It sucks everything you are and have out of your being.

Today I realized something.. I never talk about my FAMILY. I talk about my mom, occasionally my dad, maybe my dog. But my family as a whole? When I mention a sibling everyone's reaction is "You have siblings?" Or if I bring up my father the reaction is "Oh, I thought your parents were divorced", my family is together, I'm the only one at home, my dad is never home because of work, and my mom is constantly doing something and never home. My home life actually sucks. Yeah, I have a loving mom and dad, but they don't love each other. They're only together because they want to support me. My home life has sucked these past few years, they buy me what I need, what I want and support me through everything but the love bond between all three of us and non existent. I don't feel like I have a family.

Kinda fucked up.