#cow level

Absolutely!!!!!!!

SGDQ 2017 Diablo 2

[ I had meant to write this during the Diablo 20th anniversary but considering it’s at least in the same year, it counts. When you have a Goblin that likes cows, it’s only natural that things get written.] Gem studded ears flopped merrily as their owner strutted down the streets of Dalaran. The clip-clop of gold covered hooves followed close by his side: His miniature cow Hamilton drawing the look of curious bystanders. “Haaa-mmy, look at this gorgeous day!”

It mattered little to the goblin, that Dalaran was indeed floating over an demon covered Isle, or that most of his inhabitants were fighting a war. This was his day, and trivial things like that were pushed to the side.

An old tauren woman stepped into his path causing him to bump into her and Hamilton to bump into Binny. An indigent moo showed the feisty bovine’s displeasure. She peered down and revealed eyes clouded with white. “Oh, pardon me. I was just trying to find the market. Can you be a good lad and point it out to me?”

He brushed himself off and then gave her a sincere but lopsided grin. “Of course!” It was then that the glint of something caught his eye. He knew that sparkle any where and it made him painfully curious as to what she was carrying.

“You just go straight and then make a left.” The glimmer of something rare perhaps? It caught his eye again and he wiggled his ears in frustration. He was a polite goblin. He was a good goblin. Centori told him that he had no choice in the matter. She wouldn’t be there to bail him out.

“Uh, pardon me, Ma’am but are you trying to sell something?” His ears waggled again and Hamilton gave a low, bored moo. Binny swatted at him before putting on his much more charming smile.

The woman looked down at him, a smile playing at the edges of her lips, but it never fully bloomed. “ Maybe, maybe, yes. An aging woman such as myself needs to eat! So regretfully I must part with this.”

She pulled from her bag what appeared to be a small walking stick. Odd for a creature of her size to have, but what was even more unusual was the perfectly modeled Tauren head for a handle, eyes set with star rubies.

He needed it. He yearned for it. He had to act cool as a cucumber.

“How much?” While his tone was casual, the desire burned in his eyes. The old woman turned it over, making sure to show off the rubies properly. “ For you? A hundred gold.”

Binny almost ripped off his belt giving her the heavy pouch that was set to be delivered to the bank. He liked money but he liked gems more. He would ask for a raise sometime. The old woman let out a low chuckle and accepted the purse, jingling it a bit before bowing her head. “Enjoy Binny.”

He was too enraptured to say much more to her. The glint of the rubies had captivated him and set his heart a flutter. Did his heart normally beat this fast? The city was pretty high up but he felt suddenly hot. Did she say his name? Confusion gripped him as he twirled the staff before keeling over. Hamilton huffed but then sat on his chest, like good cows do.

When he woke up, his head was pounding like the drummer of the E.T.C was performing a solo in his brain. “Gods. Too much excitement.”

He however didn’t notice a very large cow, standing on two legs, hovering over him. The benevolent heffer didn’t move and stayed silent. It was only polite really. There were rules and startling little green men seemed decidedly against them.

It was in that moment, that Binny peered up, and screamed before promptly passing back out. The elder cow shook his head and then prodded the little creature with his staff. After a few moments of the incessant poking, he stirred once more. This time, he peeked one eye open, and when the sight of the bipedal cow greeted him, it was a (very) little less shocking. “Uh, Have I gone insane?”

It was a fair question, and those around all agreed. It was the cow closest to him that finally spoke in a low and rumbling voice. “You are here quite by accident. In fact, there will be a lot of paperwork, a non disclosure agreement, and several threats to issue before you can leave. We apologize for all of it but those are the rules.”

Binny blinked and then looked around. There were so many cows. They were all standing on two feet and several looked to be playing badminton. While he had many questions, he couldn’t help but be impressed at the fact that racquets were being held by hooves.

There were more important issues at hand though. He was too young to be going crazy. Perhaps he had hit his head when he fell. He liked cows a lot and so naturally he would hallucinate such a wild scenario. Even the part with paperwork! A goblin through and through.

“What I can tell you is that you have not in fact, reached the cow level.” Another cow joined him with an arm full of paperwork and a pen. “You will sign here, here and here. If you do not then we will have to escort you to the great pasture. It will be quick and painless even regrettable but we have a lot to protect here.”

“The great pasture… do you mean?” He made a gesture with his finger slicing across his throat. The elder cow nodded solemnly and then pointed to the paper work. It took Binny all of five minutes to get through it. He didn’t want to become fertilizer.

The two consulted the paperwork, speaking quietly to themselves before the Elder spoke again. “Binny, you are to never speak of this place. Do not come back here. It does not exist. The cow level does not exist.”

With a great whack of his staff, the goblin was knocked off his feet.

Binny woke once again on the hard ground but this time he could barely breath. Hamilton licked his face and slid off of him. “I don’t know what happened Hammy but thanks for protecting me.”

A funny thought came to his mind and he stared at the miniature cow for a moment. “The cow level doesn’t exist?”

"Leads to a place that does not exist. The Burning Hells are not responsible for events that transpire there. If you claim to have been to this place, you will be called a liar. Void where prohibited."