#kwn

“if you’re horny, let's do it. ride it, my pony. my saddle’s waitin’. come and jump on it…”

“fuuuuck…” your spew of profanity came out in the sound of a dragged-out whine as you firmly clutched Kay’s shoulders and bounced your hips at a quick pace, your slick walls greedily sucking in her strap and not wanting to let any inch of it to go to waste.

her hands gripped your hips to steady you, but not once did she attempt to fuck you back. she wanted to wait until you were soaked and needy before she gave your body the final blow it needed for your orgasm to run its course, and she could tell it was only a matter of time before you started begging her to finish you off.

her dark brown eyes stared up at you and her bottom lip sat tucked between her teeth as she watched you attentively, noticing every tiny change in your expression and each time your voice would tremble or full-blown crack when you cried out for her.

the moment your eyes met hers, your rhythm faltered slightly, and she noticed it — just like she notices everything else. a knowing smirk crossed her face and she untucked her bottom lip as her hands slid down from your hips to your ass, kneading the flesh in her hands while maintaining eye contact with you.

“need some help, baby?” Kay cooed condescendingly, raising her eyebrows a little, as you whimpered with need and nodded your head, your hips now slowing down due to your lost of rhythm, “use your words, pretty girl.”

“y-yes,” you whined, a small furrow of sexual frustration forming between your eyebrows, as you nodded your head again and moved your hands up from her shoulders to her jaw, cradling it in your hands, “please, baby, i— oh, fuck!”

your pleas were cut short by Kay suddenly thrusting up into you and sending pleasurable shocks throughout your body, a cry ripping through your vocal cords while your head fell back. her thrusts were quick and deep, filling you to the brim like you desperately craved, and your noises grew higher in pitch as they echoed off of the walls, mixing with the occasional ass slaps Kay would give you.

your eyes rolled so far back that your irises were no longer visible and your eyebrows furrowed deeply as your jaw dropped and a small scrunch formed in the bridge of your nose, your hands moving from her face and shooting downward to grab ahold of her upper arms.

“ohhhh, fuuuuck— nnnnngh, you’re s-sooo deeeeep— ugh, shiiit, i-i’m gonna—”

“let it out, beautiful, c’mon. let me feel this pretty pussy cum. want you to give it all to me, baby.”

her words sent you closer to the edge, but the feeling of her thumb circling your throbbing clit completely pushed you over it. your legs shook and your grip tightened on her arms as a sharp cry fell from your mouth and your orgasm rushed through you, your back arching deeply while Kay continued fucking you through your climax.

“uh-huh, that’s it, baby. let it all out, there you go. keep goin’, i want you to drench these sheets for me, pretty girl.”

"hurry up, mama. we're gonna be late." k said as you did your makeup in the bathroom mirror.

"relax. that club stays open all night, we have plenty of time."

after a few minutes, you came out of the bathroom. "what do we think? can we get some commotion for the dress?" k looked you up and down as you spun, biting her lip.

and suddenly, k didn't wanna go out.

"maybe we should stay in tonight."

you walked over to you & k's joint shoe rack "no way, i've been looking forward to this all week, babe." you picked up your favorite pair of heels, putting them on the floor so you could put them on.

"how did you go from rushing me to wanting to stay in after i just came out the bathroom? who are you tryna fool?" you said. k smirked; she knew you were right.

you went over to the full-body mirror to check yourself out and make sure nothing was out of place. she came up behind you, snaking her arms around your waist, her head on your shoulder.

"you sure you don't wanna stay in?" she locked eyes with you in the mirror.

"yes."

you’d barely even gotten the word out before k started making out with your neck, her embrace holding tighter. she knew that as soon as her lips or tongue touched your neck, it was over. you practically melted into her touch, your eyes closing for a moment.

she pulled back from your neck and locked eyes with you again. "what about now, huh?"

you bit your lip "maybe we should stay in."

k turned you around by your waist "i knew you'd see it my way" she said with a smirk.

you pulled her in for a passionate kiss, your hands on either side of her face. one of her hands slid up to the zipper of your dress, pulling it down your back. you helped k get her jacket off, her shirt following. her hands moved to pull your dress down, sliding it off your body.

k started walking backward toward the bed, pulling you down with her onto the bed into a kiss.

you two made out for a moment before you pulled back. "i need to text the group chat and tell them we're not gonna make it" you said, reaching over to grab your phone. k ran her hands up & down your back as you typed and sent the text.

you tossed your phone aside and continued making out. she flipped the two of you over, making you chuckle at her strength. she kissed your jawline, moving down to your neck.

k continued kissing her way down your body, leaving a hickey on your lower abdomen before pulling back. she unbuckled her belt, pulling her pants and boxers down. she moved quickly, pulling the strapon harness on, giving the straps a tug before turning her attention back to you. she pulled your panties off, throwing them across the room. she aligns herself with your entrance, sliding in. her hips start to move in slow, deep strokes, earning soft moans from you.

"oh fuck.." the words slip out as a shaky breath.

k's voice is honey-smooth "you feel that, mama?" she punctuates the question with a deeper thrust, watching your face, your brows furrowed softly. her rhythm picks up a bit—deep & steady.

one of her hands rises to rest on your stomach, applying a light pressure that amplifies the sensation tenfold. a needy sound escapes your throat. your immediately hand shoots up, wrapping around her wrist.

"k, wait-"

your words are cut off as she thrusts again, a louder moan slipping from your lips.

her expression shifts into something hungrier, pleased as she pins both your hands above your head, smirking. "i'm sorry, what was that?" she asked teasingly.

your hand moves to her stomach, pressing against her skin in a weak effort to slow her motions. k's free hand grabs both of your wrists pinning them above your head, her grip firm but not painful.

"uh-uh, don’t run." she said. "you wanna be a good girl for me, right?" she asked rhetorically "then you can take it. you got it, mama."

your walls flutter around the strap, your moans are closer together—you're getting closer.

k notices, of course she does. in response, she slows her thrusts, in speed & depth. "you can't cum yet, baby. we just got started. you can hold on a little while longer, can't you?" she cooed.

she leans down to kiss you "i know you can." k coaxed as she made a firmer press on your abdomen, making you whimper.

"you're doing so good for me."

you let out more desperate sounds as she buried herself to the hilt. she watched your face contort in pleasure as she brought her thrusts back to their regular pace—steady & deep.

"breathe."

you didn't even realized you'd gasped softly at the change of pace. you exhaled, your chest falling.

"good girl."

k pulled out, the dildo glistening with your wetness. she pulls you to the edge of the bed by your calves, kneeling. she drags her tongue up your inner thigh, making your breathing shake.

she latches onto your clit, sucking eagerly "shit.." your hand instinctively threads through her hair, your head falling even farther back against the sheets. "mmph!" you moaned as k moved her tongue up and down against your clit.

your other hand grips the sheets, mouth falling open to let your needy moans escape. you feel that yearning throb in your stomach, hips bucking against her face. heat spreads throughout your entire body as you cum—warm liquid gushing from you, your legs trembling, ecstasy etched onto your face.

k doesn't stop until you're completely spent. she pulls back, wiping her face as she comes up to kiss you, moving next to you. "you did so good, mama."

you laid there for a few seconds to catch your breath before getting on top of her. “your turn.” you said, hands already moving to pull the harness off.

i could never date a bitch that don't wanna make me main course. i don't want much, just want you obsessed with me, of course. is this just sex, girl. what's next? i need more.

zara hadn't drank all night and she didn't plan to. she'd been more of a smoker anyway, but drinking never ended well for her. not because she got sloppy or because she couldn't handle her liquor, but because when zara drank, the heat of the liquor melted something in her ribs and made her softer. made it easier for her to speak and smile and say shit that she ordinarily tried so hard not to say.

the party was hardly a rager. it was less a party and more a gathering of inebriated college students. between finals and preparing for summer, the entire campus had worked themselves to the bone, too tired for booming music and flashing lights. it was calm, everyone tucked into a different corner of the massive airbnb.

zara had been with the women's basketball team and those that associated. everyone was drunk and/or high and zara was no exception. she'd been pulling from her own blunt and a few others', losing herself in the haze of her high. she hadn't been talking much, but she never usually did. she'd always been an observer. she was fine sitting in the middle of the couch, watching the world swirl around her.

she'd been between AG and rian, arms linked under her breasts, flicking her lighter as a stim. her jorts sagged against her knees and the edge of her cropped wife beater hugged her ribs just enough for her to remember it was on. everyone was debating some sport topic, quiet but boisterous still, base laced in their voices but softened by whatever vice they'd picked for the evening.

she loved this part. when the noise around her matched the volume of the blood rushing in her ears and her head felt a little immobile. it would only last a few minutes— five if she was lucky— but it would be the height of her high. she sat there, eyes shut but grinning, hair spread across the back of the couch, blood humming as it pulsed throughout her body. a perfect world would always feel like this.

"what's good, ju?" that was AG, beside zara. she sat up to dap her teammate up, making the entire couch shift.

zara's eyes slid open, and her vision was fuzzy but once the edges sharpened, zara's eyes fell on the pillar of a woman accepting a blunt from AG.

she hadn't seen juju in about two weeks because she'd been somewhere doing something but she still looked the same. juju always looked beautiful. even now, with low, red rimmed eyes and aging fulani braids flowing down her back in a ponytail.

zara felt her chest get tight as she took the woman in. judea watkins was six feet two inches of smooth, tanned skin draped over endless planes of hard muscle. she was elysian— peaceful and perfect in all that she was. she just stood there with all that stature and grace, and zara wanted to make her a shell. she wanted to see juju crumble the way she always did when they were together.

"shit, chillin." juju smiled, turning towards the group. "hey y'all."

everyone said hi, some dapped her up, zara did nothing. she didn't have to. she knew juju had seen her, knew she'd say something eventually. and she was right because after she'd made her rounds, she stopped right in front of her.

"hey, zara." she smiled down, her teeth poking out from under her top lip.

zara leaned forward to return the dap juju was offering. "ju."

she'd put ju in every position. had goofy talks where they laughed all night, serious conversations that resulted in silence on both ends for weeks. but she couldn't put her finger on what it was about ju. couldn't figure out why she couldn't just move the fuck on.

it wasn't like juju gave her much to go on.

they'd met their freshman years through mutual friends, and at first, zara was completely taken aback. juju didn't seem like a real person back then. she'd been the number one recruit in her class. she'd taken her team to the elite eight at eighteen years old. she hung out in lebron james' backyard, and signed legendary deals with nike— all while smiling at everyone she spoke to and donating basketball shoes to poor kids in LA.

they hadn't gotten close, but zara become acutely aware of every time juju entered a room. she noticed every corner juju slipped into, every conversation that ended with juju leaving with some girl she did not come with.

the first time they'd linked wasn't planned— at least not by zara. initially, she had no intention of knowing juju beyond an acquaintance level. but then one night between her freshman and sophomore year, at some forgettable summer party, juju poured her a drink before lamenting on how exhausted she was. zara drove her home that night and ate her until all she could do was lay her head against a pillow and babble until she finally fell asleep.

they'd gone on like that for months, and zara appreciated it— she still appreciated their current arrangement, but there was something about that first summer that zara had involuntarily memorialized.

she was woman enough to admit she felt something at first. she felt a great shame about the whole thing, but she could recognize that somewhere down the line, she grown confused. allowed herself to expand on silly ideas like spending the day with juju, or going on a date.

but then she realized that outside of that post-nut fog, where everything was warm and smelled like pepper and something sweet, zara couldn't fucking stand juju watkins.

she liked juju's body, and the way she sounded when she came. but she didn't like the way juju perceived the world, she hated juju's lack of regard for her partner's feelings and she mostly loathed the fact that juju didn't give a damn that she was unliked by her.

she couldn't give a fuck less. when someone told her no, someone else told her yes, and zara quickly realized how significant she was to juju— how insignificant she'd always be.

the crush died there, and zara stopped feeling those little pangs in her chest completely, which was honestly a blessing. because there's something about a crush akin to humiliation, and as much as she hated this about herself; zara was a deeply sensitive person.

so to her, a crush was like ecstasy. a lack of information— yes— but one that allowed her a blissful altered consciousness whenever juju was present. it was an honest to god physical reaction every single time.

lungs wide, heart beating a loud against her ribs. judea— untamed, drenched in gold, painful and stirring and conflicting all the way down to her cells.

"how long you home?" that was gabi, asking before taking a hit of her nic.

juju took a hit of the blunt and shrugged. "bout a month. ion gotta be nowhere til the beginning of june."

gabi nodded, accepting the blunt. "'s what's up."

the night went on. the music kept flowing, and the conversation stayed drifting but it was all happening in a version of the world zara wasn't in.

she was too busy openly staring at juju. no one was paying enough attention to say anything, and even still…. zara never gave a fuck. apparently, neither did juju because she hadn't looked at her since she said hello.

but zara still never moved her eyes, taking juju in for everything she was. she sat deep in some recliner that had just been around and her ponytail ran down the back of the chair, the braids a dark contrast against the heather gray. knees spread wide, one hand holding her phone face down in her lap, the other routinely bringing her pen to her lips, each pull completed with the same eye-catching finesse that seemed to define the woman as a person.

most of the time, zara paid attention to juju's face, though. every feature was sharp— the downward angle of her cheekbones, the cuts of her eyes, the natural perfect arch of her brows— but there was a gentle roundness that made up for it. a softness in her cheeks and the curve of her lip. little things like the rounded tip of her slanted nose that made juju seem a little less godlike, and a little more like rest of them.

she took up an amount of space in zara's life that no one else was allowed, and she claimed it without permission. zara found almost everything about her irritating.

AG, following juju's line of sight to the group of girls standing on a wall, smirked and leaned forward so her palms rested on her knees.

"you see somethin you like?"

instantly, zara zeroed in on the group of girls. she knew which one juju was talking about before she said it. it was the girl on the left, short and dark skinned in a white bohemian-ish outfit. she held a red cup and a tube of lip gloss, and she'd been smiling big at something someone in her group had said. she was pretty. she seemed oblivious to the fact that she was being plotted on, like a gazelle waiting to be torn apart by some sadistic, waiting lion.

"yeah, girl on the left." juju looked down at her lap, checking her phone for less than a second, then flipping back face-down. "might have to head out with that."

zara returned to the conversation, face falling at juju's suggestion. it wasn't that she'd expected to leave with juju, but hearing it still made everything around her fizz into focus. suddenly, zara was listening to everything, was aware of the heat and the slightly stale scent of the room.

just like that, juju had blown her high.

"oh for real?" zara wasn't loud, and there was no bite in her tone whatsoever.

to the rest of the group, she was probably just high. that's why her jaw was so tight, and her nostrils had flared out, and she'd started gripping the legs of her jorts.

in actuality, zara was having an unnaturally visceral reaction to the idea of once again watching juju leave with someone besides her. she could physically feel herself get sick to the stomach.

across from her, juju caught her gaze, those angular eyes locking onto hers for a second, the corner of her mouth twitching upward.

"yeah, for real."

zara looked away first, annoyed that that felt like losing.

"bet that."

cause respectfully, i could have any bitch on all fours. got your favorite bitch and their favorite bitch in the corner.

zara knew with her logical brain that she had no right to be upset with juju for wanting someone else. she'd known she had no real claim over her, and that it was hypocritical to even feel the annoying possessive ping in her chest.

so yes, she'd acknowledged that her feelings were in fact invalid. she had no real leg to stand on, but she didn't give a damn. she couldn't. because the ping as actually more of a pang— a deeper blow to the ribs that hit harder than zara was willing to admit. she had to do something.

she didn't consciously make the decision to sober up but she'd excused herself from the rotation and that was a decision in itself. everyone noticed when she stood up and and quietly stepped away, and no one believed her when she said she was just taking a lap. but they let her go anyway, to focused on the conversation they were having to think too hard about what the hell zara was doing. juju didn't even pay her too much mind, but that was typical.

she'd grown accustomed to juju dismissing her. it was their Thing. but zara knew who juju was. she knew she hated being perceived, but she loved quiet, private attention. she figured out that juju wasn't an objectively good person after the sixth time they'd had sex. it was during that first summer, the night juju's AC went out, and she'd showed up to zara's house with deuce, a duffel bag, and the promise of a good time.

zara had been silently sipping from a water bottle, and juju was petting deuce, who had been laid blissfully in the gap of juju's crossed legs. they were tired and fucked out and trying to figure out what to do together after they got their nut off.

juju broke the silence, because of course she did. "ion usually do shit like this."

zara looked up from her phone, then slowly turned her head and gave the woman she'd just put through the mattress the nastiest duh, bitch face she could manage.

"yeah i picked that up when you walked out the first time without so much as a pat on the back." she rolled her eyes, sipped her water, and went back to what the hell she'd been doing. "'s okay. i'm not trippin'"

it wasn't a complete lie. her feelings had been hurt, but she learned her lesson and charged it to the game. her being another notch in someone's bedpost wasn't something she wanted to dwell on, still. she wanted to changed the topic, or better yet— just stop talking all together.

but of course, this was also the night zara learned she was was fucking with the lightskin yap-a-tron3000.

"i mean you don't really have a reason to." she said. "we aren't together. you knew what this was when you signed up for it."

in the quiet, zara heard juju sniff, and she felt the headboard rock as juju shrugged, and it took everything in her not to choke juju the fuck out.

"…which is why i said it's okay." she repeated, still not looking up from her phone. "i know how friends with benefits works, judea."

"we're friends?"

zara's fingers twitched around her phone, desperate for a physical release of the anger that was growing in her chest. she didn't understand what the purpose of the whole conversation was. she was doing her part. she'd fucked juju, she'd cleaned her up and made sure she was okay. now it was time to sleep. this was the part where they were supposed to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night accidentally touching. and juju was supposed to remove zara's arm from around her in the morning and slip out and that would be the end of it.

but juju was making it a thing. she was making this something to remember. why was she doing that?

"you wanna stay here or not, girl?"

she looked at juju's face then, searching for any sign of getting further irritated.

crickets.

"exactly."

so they went silent again until zara finally decided to sleep away that awkward feeling in her spine you get after being hunched over for too long. or maybe she just wanted the morning to come so juju would leave. regardless, juju still took the flicking off of the lamp as a sign to make shit all the worse.

"so…." they both were still sitting up against the headboard, but zara had started rearranging her pillows so she could lay down. "we supposed to cuddle or sum?"

zara very rarely allowed non-family to touch her outside of sex or a light church-hug. but that was because physical touch was her love language, and she hated loving people. but juju was shaking and begging to be held moments before. who says no to a wet dog?

she looked over to juju, who was scratching at her palms. "i mean… we can."

it wasn't immediate, but juju readjusted herself and threw up an arm so the duvet draped down like an awning, waiting for zara to slide into it.

she did. obviously. and if felt just the way she thought it would. but she tried not to think too hard about the fact that she hadn't been spooned in… ever and she'd been craving this kind of thing since she learned what the word desire meant. she just reminded herself that this was nothing, and that juju was kind of a bitch, and that craving arises from a place in you that is empty. that's all it was— all it could ever be. fulfilling a craving. an external attempt to feel whole. temporary. but water will always spill out of the hole at the bottom of the bucket.

she blinked, pulled herself out of it, and let herself settle into the arms of a woman she didn't fully understand yet.

"why you gotta be such an ass?" she didn't mean to ask, but she wanted the answer anyway, so she bit her tongue and waited.

juju didn't say anything at first. zara could feel her breathing slow against her back, rib rubbing against the knobs of her spine. juju wasn't caressing her, or making her feel particularly comfortable, but she wouldn't have survived that anyway. so whatever, that was fine. zara was perfectly fine with a still hand along her waist, and the bicep that would occasionally flex under her head.

"what's the point in pretending this is something it isn't?" juju finally asked. "'s not like we're dating. we're not girlfriends, or soulmates or whatever bullshit."

truth. she and juju had never been alone outside of their bedrooms, let alone on a date. truth. they were not girlfriends and zara had no intention of them ever becoming. truth. whoever zara's soulmate was, was not juju watkins.

she couldn't really be mad at the statement, even if the delivery was harsh enough for zara to taste bile in the back of her throat.

redirecting her focus, she let her fingertips dance over the back of juju's hand, mindlessly tracing the raised skin of her tattoo.

tears dry…

"you think soulmates are bullshit?"

another pregnant pause. another change in breath rhythm. another flex of the bicep.

"i think people get too caught up in the idea of someone happening to them. like someone is just gonna fall into their life and just be there. like we're destined to have this permanent fixture in their lives just because "everyone has a soulmate.""

"you don't think so?"

"i think soulmates are a choice." juju started from behind her, shifting slightly. her body language had changed, but her voice sounded the same. she gotten softer since they'd laid down. quieter, gentler, easier to access. "it's not some like… divine intention for us to have a specific person. but i do think we have the option to stick by the people we love. ya know? like we make decision— conscious or unconsciously."

"so you think love is a choice?"

no matter the response, zara would have understood.

humans are the only animal that considered their mates with so much conviction. she understood that at some point, a dynamic— a relationship— becomes a choice. but then again, she was laying uncomfortable in her own bed, wrapped in the arms of a woman subliminally telling her she feels nothing for her. and she wasn't there because she wanted to be.

"i didn't say that." juju shook her head and tapped her fingers against zara's hip bone. "if that was the case, i'd choose the easy route and get a boyfriend or something."

fair enough.

"no, love isn't a choice. we love people even when we don't want to— at least i do— but we choose to stay. even when they hurt you, or yell at you. belittle you, hit you, make you wanna rip every hair out ya damn head— we still stay. not because we love them— you can love someone from afar— but because we decide."

zara had a million point she could make. a million applicable arguments and rebuttals but she was too worried about the single question at the forefront of her brain.

who're you talking about?

but just as the wah sound was about to leave her mouth, she stopped. because if she'd said something like that, juju wouldn't have asked that question— she wouldn't have asked any question. she wouldn't have argued, either. she'd probably have grown tired of the conversation by now, and given minimal responses until it died.

zara could have said fuck it and asked her question. she could have put the care juju needed into that moment. but for what? to learn more about juju and fall for her just to be rejected? or to be told it was none of her business and dismissed?

fuck that.

so yeah— zara hadn't expected juju to care much about what she was doing, or who she was doing it with. she was honestly envious of the woman's ability to be a sociopath. zara would never be able to do that, but she could redirect her energy towards something beyond… whatever she felt.

when she approached the girl in the white bohemian-ish outfit she didn't know what her goal was. she told herself she just wanted to talk to the girl, but she couldn't come up with a reason why. at least not one she could justify. because if anyone asked her what the hell she was doing, and she said ruining juju's night…. that probably wouldn't have blown over well.

but it was the truth. zara didn't completely know what she was doing, but she knew she didn't want juju going home with this girl— with lily. it wouldn't be right. she didn't get to make zara's chest hurt and then get her nut off at the end of the night. and if she didn't want zara, she couldn't want anyone else. at least not in zara's face like she wasn't even there.

lily was pretty, and she spoke with her hands. every time she laughed at something zara said, the corner of her bottom lip would tuck itself between her molars, and she'd tilt her head forward so she could shake her her shoulders. she was a cool girl, with a light in her eyes that zara was almost sure juju would snuff out without even meaning to.

"you come with somebody?" zara's eyes held lily's begging her to say yes, to become a willing participant in whatever game juju and zara were playing.

maybe it wasn't even a game. maybe it was just zara being spiteful.

lily blinked and bit back a smile before saying "no."

zara could admit that she had a bad habit of acting on emotion. that she often found herself in unnecessary situations because her feelings were hurt. and she could pretend to be sorry about it, or lie and say it was something she was working on. but she wasn't sorry, and it wasn't something about herself she planned on changing any time soon.

"you trynna leave with somebody?"

"maybe."

zara was doing this. she'd decided.

"c'mere."

—

the house wasn't big enough for zara to go unnoticed, and that was entirely zara's point. by the time they started moving towards the bathroom, zara was sure that she was seen by at least two people from her group. her actions weren't 100% malicious, she did enjoy kissing lily. it wasn't about her specifically, but it still felt nice to have someone pressed against her. to be able to grab at whatever part of a body she so desired because her touch was wanted wherever it was was accessible.

so, with her hand wrapped around lily's hip, and her mouth sliding against hers, it wasn't necessarily community service for zara to guide lily back into that bathroom. she was enjoying it as much as her, at least.

the dingy lighting in the bathroom didn't matter. neither did the pungent stench of hot boxed weed seeping out of the walls. zara was too focused on the way lily tasted, and wondering if juju had discovered that the girl she'd been planning to shark had been snatched from her. she lifted lily enough for her to be able slide onto the counter, and then stepped between her legs, hands bracketing her thighs. she wasn't pulling her closer, but her hands were there and that was something.

lily was touching her everywhere— hair, hips, ass— she was everywhere. her mouth moved against zara's, open and panting and licking past her lips so she could get even more. zara was making no move to take this beyond a make out in the bathroom, but lily was on go-mode. that was nice. it was uplifting to zara's ego. it was the whole point of this whole thing.

but zara wasn't satisfied and she knew she wouldn't be, no matter how far they took it on the bathroom counter. lily wasn't ignoring her, or driving her up the fucking wall. and she was too small, too easy to control. she wasn't who zara really wanted, whether she wanted to admit that or not.

she told herself she could do it. that she would do it. she'd decided, damn it. but she knew this was pointless. juju probably didn't even remember lily. she was likely onto the next visible gazelle. she pulled away, resting her hand on the linoleum under lily.

lily licked her bottom lip and drew in a quick breath, wide eyes blinking open in confusion. "what's wrong?" she looked over zara's face, then to the space between them.

zara looked for the words, but her throat felt too full to get anything out. she felt like she'd swallowed twelve cotton balls with no bev, and she didn't what she was supposed to say to this woman. but just when she was about ot start stuttering out some bullshit excuse, someone knocked on the door while simultaneously opening it.

it was juju. slightly red in the face, ponytail now a bun that sat at the base of her neck. untamed, drenched in gold, painful and stirring and conflicting all the way down to her cells…

"the fuck are you doing, bro?" she was angry, eyes sharper than normal, lips tighter than usual.

lily gasped and jumped a little in her spot, hand flying to cover her open, kiss-swollen mouth. she looked horrified, chest beginning to rise and fall faster than it had already been. and juju looked like she couldn't even be bothered. she hadn't looked at lily since she'd busted in the room. no, her anger was directly solely at zara.

this fucking girl.

"minding my business and staying out of yours." zara said, stepping back, but not completely away from lily.

juju squinted at zara's answer before putting a finger in the air. "then what's this?"

zara blinked, because she didn't have a response. there literally wasn't an answer because she didn't know what the fuck she was doing.

she was doing nothing and something seismic simultaneously. seconds before she'd been trying to figure how to walk out on her but she wouldn't say that. mostly because she refused to hand over that win to juju, but some itty bitty part of her wanted to push a boundary. because this was new.

juju had been mad at her before, that much was obvious in the way zara wasn't intimidated at all by her clenched fists or seriously heated gaze. but she'd never gotten angry with zara for messing with someone else. juju had never really cared about what zara was doing when they weren't together. until now.

she looked at lilly because she didn't have an answer for juju, and honestly she didn't need to be there for the conversation that was about to occur. she got the hint, thankfully, and slid off the counter, wiping her mouth and readjusting her clothes.

"i'm just gonna um—" she pointed to the door moved her lips into a thin line that zara thought was supposed to be a smile. "go."

"yeah, great idea." juju sidestepped and allowed her to walk out the door, before shutting it with her back and leaning all of her weight on it.

zara felt like she was on something stronger than the weed. she was going crazy— she had to be. because there was no way juju was looking at her like she'd just spit on her, and all zara could focus on was the fact that she had finally given her some sign of a functional emotion panel in her brain.

she looked over juju once again, eyes trailing from the woman's shoes all the way up to the blurring parts in her hair. she wasn't all the way put together but she still looked the fuck good. tired and pissed off, but fuck— so so good.

"you good?" zara teased because she knew she could.

juju shut her eyes, and took a deep breath that zara could see flow through her whole body. she looked like she was trying to keep her cool, and zara thought that was cute. juju wouldn't succeed, but it was cute.

"no." it was a deep, guttural use of two fucking letters, but the depth of it had zara's arm hair standing up.

"aw." zara fake pouted and rubbed her index and pointer finger together, playing the world's saddest song on the world's tiniest violin. "get over it."

juju puffed out an irritated breath through her nose and threw her head against the door. "why do you have to be such a evil bitch about everything?"

zara wanted to freeze. wanted to take a step back and think about what the question really meant. because the easy train of thought would be she's just saying shit because we're fighting. but zara, who had never been normal about anything in her life, took a different route.

why am i such an evil bitch about everything? what the fuck is wrong with me right now? fuck. i'm acting fucking insane and she can see it.

she felt the corners of her eyes beginning to itch, and the tip of her nose begin to burn and no— she wasn't about to cry. that was against the rules. she never cried, especially not over juju fucking watkins.

she let the question hang in the air, the choice to not answer it clear. and when she couldn't breathe the silence in anymore, she looked juju dead in her eyes and asked,

"you really mad?"

decisions. be honest or don't. be vulnerable or don't.

"yeah."

"you wanna argue?"

decisions. open the door. close the door. talk about it. keep doing what we're doing.

"nah."

"i wanna go home, ju."

decisions.

"come on, then."

but none of that don't mean shit when all i want is yours

the drive was a quiet one, everything zara could possibly say shoved in the dip between her collarbones. she passed the freshly rolled wood, following juju's hand as she received it and brought it to her lips. now, they were at her apartment. on her balcony. juju sat on the out-door couch, zara was draped over the railing like expensive curtains, bundles blowing in the LA summer breeze.

juju exhaled, head tilted back as she did so. "you miss me?"

the "fuck no." flew from zara's mouth before she could think about it.

she wouldn't think about how easy it was for her to lie. she wouldn't consider how far she would go to protect herself. there was a layer missing between them. a veil had been moved, a tide had turned and zara had the strongest feeling that she wasn't the only one who didn't want to figure out what that meant.

juju bit out a laugh. "bitch."

zara returned the laugh, equally as guarded, equally as destructive. "cry about it."

juju brought her head up in slow motion, an intentional space for zara to admire the lines of her throat, the way her chains rested on her clavicle.

"make me."

zara pushed off the balcony and made her way across the already small space of her balcony. she stopped just in front of juju's spread legs. she didn't do anything she wanted, like stepping further. dropping to her knees. climbing in juju's lap. pushing juju's tee up so she could see the dip in the middle of her ribs.

judea— untamed, drenched in gold, painful and stirring and conflicting all the way down to her cells.

she just leaned down so her face was inches from juju's. she was so close, she could see there was so little room between them. to breath, to think, to speak.

i'll let you take the light out of my eyes. decisions.

she stayed there only for a moment before she took the blunt from between juju's fingers and slid it between her lips.

she asked the same question, "you miss me?" and then took a hit.

juju waited until the smoke had completely left zara's mouth and then she said, "somethin like that."

"i don't know what's worse." zara started without fully knowing where she was finishing. "the fact that i look for wherever i do… or the fact that you're never looking for me."

"i'm lookin at you right now."

"you're always looking at me right now."

"don't know how to do anything else."

zara leaned in then, dropping the half-smoke blunt into the ashtray beside juju. they weren't ever really gonna smoke—at least zara wasn't. she'd known what was gonna go down the second juju opened her car door.

juju tasted like cherries and salt, and weed. starving craving, wanting.

zara loved this part.

she kissed juju and suddenly the silence around them erupted and a world of colors she hadn't known existed exploded before her shut eyes. every thought that was beginning to form was stripped down and replaced with this. her.

her lips pressing into zara's. her hands pulling her closer, running down her arm and back up to her jaw. the taste of her mouth and the heat of her breath.

a perfect world would always feel like this.

she climbed in juju's lap. decisions.

she fit the way she always did, because juju opened up for her the way she always did. she widened her hips and spread her legs even more, hands sliding to the tops of zara's thighs like they belonged there. she opened her mouth wider so zra could lick into her mouth and take even more.

and the source of all of zara's issues came flooding in. that repetitive give me give me give me started racing through her mind, forcing her to scoot closer so that there was not a single square inch of space between the two of them. chest to chest. belly to belly. mouth to mouth. she felt like she was in a microwave, hot and reactive. ready to burst and they hadn't even started yet.

her body rocked as juju thrusted her hips up, but she stayed rooted, grinding down because she was just as desperate.

her hands roamed as they went, moving from juju's ponytail to her throat then her jaw until she landed on her chest.

juju's nipples were so hard they poked through her bra and her shirt. the tiny humps in the fabric were enough for zara's mouth to start watering, and thought of them in her mouth was enough for her to start peeling juju's shirt off her body.

when she got it off, she was met with an almost sheer black bralette. one that contrasted the even sepia tint of juju's skin. one that zara wasn't interested in removing entirely.

she pushed a strap down juju's arm so the cup dipped and juju's breast peeked out. pink and taut and begging to be tended to.

she slid so that she was able to slip out of juju's lap directly down to the floor beneath them. on her knee's, she took the peak of juju's nipple between her four front teeth. the hiss she got was like jumper cables, sending a tremor of electricity down zara's jaw all the way to the base of her spine.

"i know you missed me." she said, releasing the bud before sucking it back in, swirling her tongue where she felt her teeth marks still dented.

"oh my god." juju moaned above zara's head. "more. please gimme more."

she felt a hand slide up her shoulder, around her neck to cup the back of her head. usually she'd brush the hand away. make a cute little joke about her being the one in charge, even if it went without saying. but tonight, she let it rest there. she let juju trace the tracks in her hair while she sucked at her tits because though this was as familiar as zara had ever felt, nothing about this was usual. nothing in the last hour had been something ordinary or predictable in juju and zara's situation.

even the rhythm of zara's heartbeat was faster than usual, picking up even more at juju's cracking voice begging for more.

who could turn away a wet dog?

she tugged at the button of juju's pants until it popped open and tapped her hip so she'd help in getting them off.

and when they were off, zara could almost taste juju's pussy from memory. she could remember what spot made her curl, what position made her open the widest, the pace that made her see stars.she knew it all, and that was on the list of things she was most proud of.

because here was this amazing woman— with enough accolades to shame an over achiever, and enough confidence to have you in a corner somewhere sucking your thumb— and she was damn near folding herself over… for zara. zara made that happened.

"tell me you missed me, ju."

she'd never asked for something like that, but she wanted it more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life. to hear the words. to feel like juju meant them.

she pressed a kiss to the center of juju's chest, then to the gap between her ribs. the skin above her bellybutton. below her bellybutton.

when she was almost face down in juju's lap, she looked up through her lashes and traced her tongue through juju's v-line. she was warm there, a little salty with sweat.

juju's eyes started to rolled to to the back of her head but she caught herself. there was no point though, she'd already snapped her hips forward and let that look take over her entire face.

zara gave juju's pussy a single kitten lick, not enough for a big reaction but juju's thighs twitched open anyway. her lower belly was going up and down with every in/exhale, her toes were already curled at zara's knees. she wanted— no needed this. she needed zara.

finally.

zara dove in, pushing juju's legs as wide as they could go before she eventually hiked them up, they weight of them pressing into her hands. she could feel juju's muscles as they tightened and released against her palms, but she wasn't even paying attention to that.

juju was consuming every sense she had. as infuriating as she was, juju was everything zara's ever wanted, and during sex, it was easier to pretend that there wasn't a giant wad of resentment between the two of them.

later, zara would see that she shouldn't have started pretending in the first place. she'd see that she should have left judea watkins where she was that night she was just so exhausted.

but in this moment, on her balcony with the wind dusting her skin, and juju destroying her resolve, she gave juju everything she had.

"zara." juju sat up on the couch, eyes wide like she was scared of what was gonna happen. good. "zara." still, zara kept going, licking juju's clit. she kept her eyes closed, focused on the pace she'd set, determined to get juju where she needed her. she ignored juju's fist in her hair, the shaking of her right leg, the strained sound of her gasping for air that was never gonna come. she stayed exactly where she was as until she got exactly what she wanted.

she was right there, zara could practically taste it. she could feel it in the way juju's clit twitched against her tongue. and just like she always did, juju's entire body untightened as she was about to cum. "zar— huuuh fuck,"

but the second her head hit the cushions, zara pulled away entirely, sitting back on her haunches. her eyes caught on to juju's pussy, pink and pulsing and leaking onto the couch. she needed zara so fucking bad.

"noooo," juju whined, pressing her thighs together. "no, don't do this. not tonight. please."

she kept her begging up, even while zara reached to pry her legs apart. she didn't put up much of a fight, not that she ever did.

"yes tonight." zara said, pushing her palm down on juju's clit. they met with wet slosh sound that made juju flinch and zara laugh. "you said you were just playing, right?"

juju shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut as she did it. she did her best to keep still, but she couldn't help the way her body jerked in zara's direction. and no one could really blame her. zara knew her, and even worse than that, zara knew how to work juju until she was totally debased from the version of herself they'd started with.

so really, she couldn't be held accountable for the way her pussy soaked in zara's fingers, or the way she lowered her hips she could take them deeper. because the situation was out of her control— or maybe it had never been in her control to begin with.

"right, so let's play."

i want you, even when you don't want me, i guess karma came around and brought a player to their knees.

zara's fingertips dug into the meat of juju's thighs as she held them open. she fucked into her with as much force as she could. she was tired— not as tired as juju, but tired nonetheless.

she'd fucked juju twice on the balcony. first with her mouth, and then with her fingers. on the living room floor she tasted her again before letting juju grind in her lap like a bitch in heat.

she hadn't let her cum throughout any of it.

some infinitesimal part of her felt bad watching juju shake and whine as she chased that feeling. but a colloassaly larger part of her felt so fucking good watching. holy fuck juju was so hot when she whined and moaned and begged.

every more and please only pushed zara to take it even further. to bite and slap and press into juju a little harder than she usually did. but juju wanted that. she always did.

by the time they made it zara's bedroom, juju's orgasm had been snatched from her four times and zara still hadn't been ready to give it to her. she was having fun with this control but more than that, she knew what she wanted. and she'd recieve what she wanted just like juju was.

so she kept fucking her— now with the strap— even when juju's legs tried to force themselves together. she was so wound up, pussy beat swollen and swallowing the strap as it pushed inside. she was warm all over and flushed across her face ad her chest and her lower belly. and her mouth was wide the fuck open, pink and wet, letting out breaths that didn't match the expression painted across her face.

zara had her laid the fuck out and it was so beautiful to her. juju was so beautiful to her with her sweated out edges and freckled breasts. zara was gone too, shiny with her own sweat and sticky where juju had left her mess. she was hot and wet and she had a point to prove.

she beat juju's pussy up, fucking her hard and long, hellbent on drawing out every sound juju's lungs could produce. and she was doing exactly that— juju had been crying out for her all night.

she kept juju's lets spread and pushed down on her toned belly. she felt juju's abs flutter under her touch before she felt a hand grip one of her hips as they moved. juju's nails gid into her skin, clawing at whatever she could.

she rolled her head to the side and opened her previously shut eyes. "you fuckin me so good, zara— god, it's so good."

she was so fucked out, eyes watered and low. her mouth was pouty, like she was about to cry. everytime the bed rocked, she let out a whimper that could only be described as meek. everything about juju's state was uncomposed and raw— form the way her toes curled into the sheets underneath her, to the way a dribble of spit had started to leak out of her open mouth.

fuuuuck she was drooling.

"did you miss me, ju?" zara asked, leaning down a little bit so she didn't need to be loud. she was right at juju's ear, kissing it gently as she waited for her answer.

"zara please." juju begged, back arching. zara felt her ribs open against her belly.

she still wasn't giving zara what she wanted—and that's not to say zara wasn't still enjoying herself. she was. thoroughly.

but she wanted more. she wanted to hear juju say it. she wanted to see her face, to watch her body language— she wanted all.

"i want you to tell me you missed me in this pussy." she said, thrusting a little harder, breathing a little heavier. "

she went and went and went and took juju along with her, until she could feel her heart about to explode in her chest. and just when she was about to accept defeat and move her hand to juju's clit, she heard a break in the cries beneath her.

"'s yours."

"whatchu say?"

"it's yours fuck it's yours." zara almost froze. "i missed you. the whole time i just missed you."

from shock or glee or whatever— zara almost stopped where she was so that she could reach her arms as high as they could and thank whoever the fuck as listening for this.

for the sound of juju's weak voice telling her she missed her. for the strength to wait it out of her. for the skills to drag it out of her.

she didn't, of course. she didn't stop, but her ryhthm changed— or better yet adjust to all the energy that hd just surged through her.

and then juju kind of disappeard inside herself. she disolved into the mattress right in front of zara, with a halt in her breathing and a fisting of the sheets. she came and cried and shook until everything else she might have wanted to say was floated around the room like embers burning off a page.

she was a blank canvas, satiated and tired and high. zara wanted more— she was a bit of a binge eater. but she knew juju was done, and that if she pushed for another round, the woman would say yes and then they'd never stop. so she just laid back against her pillow. it wasnt her side of the bed but she'd manage for now. juju would leave in a few hours, anyway.

except juju didnt leave that night. she didnt leave for another three days. zara recognized the pattern before it was ever really a pattern. she knew it would almost kill her, and that she'd never be able to go back to who she was, but she let it happen anyway. she stroked the fire until it inevitably burned her.

and later, when she was asked about her relationship with the great judea watkins, zara would say that there was no bad blood between them, and that sometime people just grew apart.

but in her mind, she knew she'd never grown apart, that juju would always own some minuscule part of her. she'd go home and let her headphones force her to remember the feeling….

we're in the bed again, both reeking of weed and wanting. god, i wanted you so bad that night, with your hand resting on the side on my ribcage, and the corner of my mouth brushing yours when i speak. all i feel is your hand at the inward curve of my back. i can almost feel your skin hot under mine, almost feel your stomach tighten when i push on your hip. i can hear you breathing, smell the twinge of your cologne burning through that tee. lungs wide, heart beating a loud against your ribs. judea— untamed, drenched in gold, painful and stirring and conflicting all the way down to your fucking cells.